urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_ Beth, Ms. Jackson if you're nasty. Beth, Ms. Jackson if you're nasty. 2004-02-20T06:53:52Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:7427 2004-02-20T06:53:52Z 2004-02-20T06:53:52Z Of all the effective comforts I could have close to me right now... the fluffy pillow covered in purple soft velvet, the cushions on my bed like the queen of sheba.. the bath with the scented ylangylang and sandalwood oil with just a touch of jasmine.. The fresh deep blue/gray soft as waterwaves sheets and my cozy down comforter and my philip roth to loll me to suburban newark and suburban countenance with highly intellectual questionining...<br />For all the effective comforts brought with paper, bought with time, bought with interests given and recieved.. of all these interests, there's one that I feel truly unacessable right now.. at least in the most correct way.<br />Unacessable, Jim. and yes, I'm happy to accept a broken heart and tears and pain and I'm glad to accept the dunce cap once again, I wear it well.. I'm glad to accept aynthing that will give me connection and provide me with growth, memories. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:7222 2004-02-06T19:28:43Z 2004-02-06T19:28:43Z 80's I went out with a republican last night. <br /><br /><br />Please, dont tell anyone. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:6966 2004-01-31T08:00:24Z 2004-01-31T08:00:24Z The Clash Yick. cant sleep. this serial insomnia crap is getting on my nerves. I've been working out every night for five days and have been sleeping well until tonight.. when, I know that I can sleep in tomorrow morning.. I'm going to set my alarm for seven and get up no matter what.. force myself into and early rise routine. that's all there is to it. <br />I've been turning a lot of stuff over in my mind.. making plans for my future.. plans that for the first time ever, arent dependant upon some stupid boy.. plans that are realistic and not self depracating.. plans that (most importantly) put the responsibility of my future upon myself not someone else. <br />Yes, this is a big deal in bethland. <br />I sort of miss living out in the boondocks of greenwood (being a non-driver) and having to walk six miles to get anywhere without relying on the bus system. at least then I had cause to walk six miles. I feel ninety eight per cent healthier having been so active this past week. .. so much happier too. my energy level is phenomenol compared to the recent past. activity truly is the secret to positivity as far as I'm concerned. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:6908 2004-01-28T03:55:34Z 2004-01-28T03:55:34Z john vanderslice I miss the monkey. <br /><br />It was back to the gym today for a hardcore workout. <br />I decided after my physical today that there are some things that I am not going to indulge in anymore: shame and self loathing. <br />They dont come up as often as they used to.. but they definitely still rear their ugly heads from time to time. <br />Everyone has fucked up shit in their closet.. things packed away in tiny boxes that are packed inside of bigger ones. All my life, I've been stuffing more crap in there and each time putting a pretty cover on it.. like a fancy tapestry. but you can still tell there are bulges of junk underneath it. (yes, I'm trying to create a metaphor here).. anyway. I'm now making a heartfelt effort to expose all this dusty old shit, not be ashamed of it and toss it. Like that black lacy goth outfit from the ninth grade I still keep in the back of my closet that I'm embarrassed of and hope my friends or boyfriends never see. <br />It's coming out.. and after taking stock, it's not really as bad as I thought it was. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:6573 2004-01-25T19:28:48Z 2004-01-25T19:28:48Z That's All Mel Torme fucking rocks my pants off. <br />I feel like the biggest dork in the world for saying so, but everybody knows I have no shame. Everynight I leave rhapsody on with a playlist of mel, billie, ella and frank. The shainneh likes it too.. we sing "let's call the whole thing off" back and forth.. <br />We watched charlie's angels last night and then practiced our kung fu kicks. She's got some pretty badass moves. Better than mine. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:6296 2004-01-25T01:54:37Z 2004-01-25T01:54:37Z The instead cup is the greatest invention ever. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:6048 2004-01-24T18:03:05Z 2004-01-24T18:03:05Z NPR It's nearly the best line in the whole movie. <br /><br />I've been recently reminded of the time that I chose vodka and chaka khan and how incredibly stupid I got. Please god, grant me the good sense to never do that again. <br />Is it inherant to my personality to take things too far? to go to extremes *all* the time? How do I change something like that? <br />Jelly Belly and I had italian food the other night.. we had been downtown and decided to go to Isabella for dinner.. it was the sweetest thing. She sat with her napkin in her lap and sipped water from a fancy blue goblet.. we shared some mussels and clams and some pizza. We were a couple of fancy girls. <br />Dropped boy "A" last night. We were talking on the phone. He's just too demanding - high maintainence -. I'm glad I didnt have more invested. It's a lot easier to break ties with people that you havnt slept with. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:5727 2004-01-17T21:30:48Z 2004-01-17T21:30:48Z white stripes Ange and Abel broke up.. <br />This is the first major indication that the world is going to shit. I modeled my hope of a someday relationship based on their relationship.. it's just baffling. I cried when ange told me, I was crushed and confused.. <br />How do these things happen? <br />I'm dating two people that I actually like and enjoy hanging out with. I cant see someone more than twice a week though or I start to freak out and feel like they're invading my space.. yet, if I dont see them about once a week, I get inscure and imagine that they dont actually like me. However, I'm a lot less retarded than I have been in the past. <br />Boy "A" thinks it's weird that none of my dates or previous boyfriends have met bean (except for psychoexboyfriend and that is because we lived together for a time).. he says that my concerns regarding that issue are "unnatural" ... I think if he had kids, he'd understsand better.. maybe I do shelter her, but she's a child and who else is going to provide security and stability to my child if I dont? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:5404 2003-12-19T02:01:35Z 2003-12-19T02:01:35Z A post work quiet and thoughtful moment.. awaiting the arrival of the shaineh.<br />Why is it that goodness is either abundant or vacant? There never seems to be a balanced amount of goodness in the world or especially in my life.. I'm either overcome with wonderful people, things, food, feelings, goings-on.. or there seems to be nothing nice in the world at all. Everything is negative, all comments are derogatory and everything seems to go in the opposite direction than the direction I want it to go. <br />Is it a relfection of my ability for appreciation? That, maybe, I cant appreciate the goodness in the world if I cant see it in myself? or it just so much less my responsibility that it's just coincidence? I believe in karma, and the cosmos and a higher understanding.. I believe in things working out the way they do for a reason. Is that just a silly excuse like prayer is an excuse to believe that better things will come? <br />I want to start small, by finding one tiny thing to counter every negative thing that comes up. Just a field expiriment. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:5216 2003-12-14T06:07:21Z 2003-12-14T06:07:21Z And - <br />Everybody check out my friend, Les. <br /><a href='http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/getwriting/U247949' rel='nofollow'>http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/getwriting/U247949</a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:4956 2003-12-14T06:06:08Z 2003-12-14T06:06:08Z Bean thinks it's hilarious when I burp outloud. <br />I'd have to agree. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:4753 2003-12-13T20:23:43Z 2003-12-13T20:23:43Z We love the science center.. that membership I bought last year was the best thing I ever invested in. it's gotten us through many a grey weekend when we're short on funds to do other stuff. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:4394 2003-12-10T02:38:27Z 2003-12-10T02:38:27Z arab strap "If you go - go for good<br />No fucking joke. <br />Maybe we should"<br /><br />Why am I so crazy and how do I make it better? <br />I've been asking myself this question for as long as I can remember. I wonder if I am in a continuous fog with brief periods of clarity, or pretty much doing alright with brief periods of insanity. <br />I was doing so well - I hadnt thought about sweet hippy exboyfriend with his beautiful ideals and his soft, loving nature in ages.. ages. and then - bam. I get klobbered with brandon-ness because of an old association with a very particular smell and I get all sad and teary. It makes me completely doubt my footing.. like all of a sudden, I find myself standing on a very tall ledge and I'm not sure how I got there. <br />I'm secure enough now though that I'm able to enjoy the melancholy and recognize that the reason that I am not still in that place is because I grew out of it and moved on. <br />I think I'm lonely. I miss my little. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:4314 2003-12-06T02:49:40Z 2003-12-06T02:49:40Z silver jews I've noticed a trend in my refridgerator.. I am never without: <br /><br />wasabi paste<br />chili sauce<br />fancy beer<br />green olives<br />peproncinis<br />yellow mustard<br /><br />what does it mean? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:3887 2003-11-27T03:16:42Z 2003-11-27T03:16:42Z Stuck listening, for amusement <br />to tall tales of perfect unions<br />knocked out in the free round<br />view sways into carpet, <br />gives way to blacking out <br />With your nice cars and old man bars<br />give me a break, make him strong this time<br />All your bad plays, morning after days<br />don't mean a thing to this "hair of the dog" crowd<br />you say she needs it - do you think she needs it<br />the trouble with you is you just can't see the truth.<br />We'll meet at your house, have it all out<br />pull your clothes off, let's get this over with<br />Wash your mouth out, swirl it around<br />Booth sitter - trash tipper<br />all your weak complaints<br />they're just one more day gone wrong<br />you think she needs you - show it<br />cold strutter .. bad lover.<br />hot shit - sugar-rim licker<br />It's the twelth night of the twelth of never<br />We're just as classic and nowhere as pleasant urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:3758 2003-11-26T16:08:16Z 2003-11-26T16:08:16Z NPR pete's finely ground espresso roast coffee (at least two and a half inches)<br />steeped in the french press.. with a tiny bit of whole milk and no sugar is the absolute best and most incredibly satisfying thing that I can imagine at the moment.. and it's sitting right in front of me. <br />Fuck this two dollar americano every day shit. <br />The only problem is that now I have to drink the whole carafe because I left my travel mug at work... <br /><br />turkey and sweet potato pie..<br />sammy davis jr only had one eye. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:3389 2003-11-23T22:38:15Z 2003-11-23T22:38:15Z The arab strap show was fucking incredible. <br />I'm eating salt and vinegar soy crisps and dried peaches. <br />and that's all I can think of to say. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:3208 2003-11-22T17:55:02Z 2003-11-22T17:55:02Z tattooed love boys When I was eight and nine years old, I loved debbie gibson, paula abdul, and the pretenders. I wore my hair in a high pony tail, usually on the left side of my head. Purple and teal were my favorite colors and I loved wearing two pairs off socks, with the cuffs turned so that one cuff was the oposite color of the other one. I spent hours in the bathroom applying electric blue eyeliner, taking it off, and reapply it smoother. I strutted around the house to brass in pocket even though I didnt really know what the words meant. <br /><br />It's fifteen years later, I still rock out to the pretenders, I love purple and I'm an expert at putting on eyeliner. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:2951 2003-11-22T02:51:05Z 2003-11-22T02:51:05Z shootin' at the walls of heartache - bang. bang. <br /><br />Yeah - I'm baffled too.<br /><br />Nada surf is sold out -I should've guessed. So it's going to be a cozy evening with the sex and the city 3rd series dvd set (YAY NETFLIX!) and bath. My second choice, anyway. <br /><br />Shaineh has been insisting for the past three days that she be called Robin (batman and robin).. it's totally hilarious. <br /><br />I made a gigantor payment to my student loans today. It hurt.. it really, really hurt. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:2800 2003-11-15T19:18:57Z 2003-11-15T19:18:57Z kuow The shaineh and I walked to the grocery store for hot cocoa and mushmallows.. I carried her on my shoulders both ways. <br />We were about a block away when she said "Mommy, I can hear your brain" .. I said "really? what does my brain sound like?" she said "It's singing - I think it's singing yellow submarine"<br /><br />No shit. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:2325 2003-11-14T03:17:36Z 2003-11-14T03:17:36Z kuow A resolution is at the brink. I can feel it like an earthquake aftershock or a thirty second miss car accident..<br />"The phone is going to ring - I just know it!" <br />26, my number is 26. <br />there are some serious dermatological issues going on and <br />my baby and are cold from being outside<br />I want my old job back because I felt more natural there<br />it's my turn to be the normal, happy one while<br />my best friend is the sad, unstable one<br />but really, 26.. I like the number 26. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:2211 2003-11-12T05:17:29Z 2003-11-12T05:17:29Z KUOW once again - I've found my ability to let go in this yoga class.. this is something I can't accomplish practicing on my own.. <br />Michael wants to make t-shirts.. he says he's going to make one for me that says "Dope-ass Chick" .. That makes me pretty goddamn happy. <br />If I could spend the rest of my life just being a "dope-ass chick" - I dont think life would be all that bad. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:2001 2003-11-08T02:28:36Z 2003-11-08T02:28:36Z This headcold is kicking my ass.. I almost kinda like it though, makes me feel human. I could do without the green crunchy mucus though.. I love describing that shit as "crunchy".. it totally adds to the gross factor.. I'm starting to get really bored at work..<br />Oh! OH!<br />I went to Jen and Scotto's anniversary party.. it was totally sweet. they showed the DVD from WEDDING! The Musical (I love that!).. It was fantastic.. I was the only person there that didnt really know anyone else.. It was totally humbling. I was the token single girl - a role I'm beginning to prize. Anyway, I was sitting by myself and all these strange but friendly people were approaching me.. It was at first kind of alarming.. who, but someone desperately seeking something in some way would approach the token single girl?! Then I came to the conclusion that they were just friendly people that were interested in talking to someone new.. I lost a little bit of that cynical "I hate everyone" edge and actually enjoyed myself.. really, I just need to get over it. I dont want to be all "sex and the city".. but I dont want to be a cold raisin either. <br />That was a nice bit of self discovery and insight.. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:1642 2003-11-05T05:42:03Z 2003-11-05T05:42:03Z moved in but not unpacked. I love it. I'm stoked.<br />Yoga today was hard, but good. <br />Sometimes, I'm reminded of Dana Delaney from China Beach for absolutely no reason at all.. whatever happened to Dana Delaney? Wasnt she also on ThirtySomething? I loved that show.<br />This tea is too hot to drink and my twenty minutes free with coffee or tea is just about up. <br />So far, I havnt eaten at Tango. but I have eaten at the six arms, twice.. Mmmmm. Beer. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elspeth_:1376 2003-10-29T04:57:19Z 2003-10-29T04:57:19Z evening jazz- kplu less than one whole day before shaineh is here.. I pick up the keys tomorrow. Moving and I have a love/hate relationship. It's exciting, but a pain in the ass. <br />The season change makes me melancholy and nostalgic - as it does every year.. I'm old enough now where I recognize these trends and dont necessarily believe anymore than I need to completely change my life around to be satisfied when they come about. I'm planning this enormous potluck for the possee and I come thanksgiving.. I'm going to make a roasted vegetable soup and oysters rockefeller, and grilled leeks again and some kind of rice dish for certain.. christy, ange and abel are making stuffed pork chops and stuffing with duck.. it's gunna be all fancypants. Last thanksgiving sucked ass and it painfully reminded me of just how important silly traditional american holidays are to me.. I'm ordering the wine from esquin and I'm even breaking out my grandmum's old china. <br />A couple of years back I made some awesome morrocan rice and grilled leeks and the year before that I made a leg of lamb for the fam.. This history of extravegant holiday dinners pushes me every year to outdo the year before. <br />I'm going to start a painting class in a few weeks - I'm excited but horrified at the same time. I've always been terrible at visual art.. I have the desire to improve though and at this point in my artistic career, I've got no shame =).<br />I used to paint, waay back in the day on first and broad - it was just as bad then but at least it felt good.. I'm hoping it will feel good again, even if it's not exactly art to anyone but me. <br />It's time again to go shopping for a christmas dress for shaineh. We had so much fun last year, trying everything on her with the sweet little patent leather dress shoes. She's such a girly girl in a very tomboyish way. <br />I cant wait to get her art desk all set up at the new place. It'd be cool if there were painting classes like that for three year olds.. <br />finished the counterlife.. what a mind trip. Looking for the next literary affair.<br />October has been full and November will be fuller - several CME lectures already signed up for and three PA lectures that Mike is giving that I'm helping to put together and uber excited to attend. <br />MY fingernails are white. Is this supposed to be some kind of trend? it's really kind of stupid.