Beth, Ms. Jackson if you're nasty.

Of all the effective comforts I could have close to me right now... the fluffy pillow covered in purple soft velvet, the cushions on my bed like the queen of sheba.. the bath with the scented ylangylang and sandalwood oil with just a touch of jasmine.. The fresh deep blue/gray soft as waterwaves sheets and my cozy down comforter and my philip roth to loll me to suburban newark and suburban countenance with highly intellectual questionining...
For all the effective comforts brought with paper, bought with time, bought with interests given and recieved.. of all these interests, there's one that I feel truly unacessable right now.. at least in the most correct way.
Unacessable, Jim. and yes, I'm happy to accept a broken heart and tears and pain and I'm glad to accept the dunce cap once again, I wear it well.. I'm glad to accept aynthing that will give me connection and provide me with growth, memories.

I went out with a republican last night.


Please, dont tell anyone.

Yick. cant sleep. this serial insomnia crap is getting on my nerves. I've been working out every night for five days and have been sleeping well until tonight.. when, I know that I can sleep in tomorrow morning.. I'm going to set my alarm for seven and get up no matter what.. force myself into and early rise routine. that's all there is to it.
I've been turning a lot of stuff over in my mind.. making plans for my future.. plans that for the first time ever, arent dependant upon some stupid boy.. plans that are realistic and not self depracating.. plans that (most importantly) put the responsibility of my future upon myself not someone else.
Yes, this is a big deal in bethland.
I sort of miss living out in the boondocks of greenwood (being a non-driver) and having to walk six miles to get anywhere without relying on the bus system. at least then I had cause to walk six miles. I feel ninety eight per cent healthier having been so active this past week. .. so much happier too. my energy level is phenomenol compared to the recent past. activity truly is the secret to positivity as far as I'm concerned.

I miss the monkey.

It was back to the gym today for a hardcore workout.
I decided after my physical today that there are some things that I am not going to indulge in anymore: shame and self loathing.
They dont come up as often as they used to.. but they definitely still rear their ugly heads from time to time.
Everyone has fucked up shit in their closet.. things packed away in tiny boxes that are packed inside of bigger ones. All my life, I've been stuffing more crap in there and each time putting a pretty cover on it.. like a fancy tapestry. but you can still tell there are bulges of junk underneath it. (yes, I'm trying to create a metaphor here).. anyway. I'm now making a heartfelt effort to expose all this dusty old shit, not be ashamed of it and toss it. Like that black lacy goth outfit from the ninth grade I still keep in the back of my closet that I'm embarrassed of and hope my friends or boyfriends never see.
It's coming out.. and after taking stock, it's not really as bad as I thought it was.

Mel Torme fucking rocks my pants off.
I feel like the biggest dork in the world for saying so, but everybody knows I have no shame. Everynight I leave rhapsody on with a playlist of mel, billie, ella and frank. The shainneh likes it too.. we sing "let's call the whole thing off" back and forth..
We watched charlie's angels last night and then practiced our kung fu kicks. She's got some pretty badass moves. Better than mine.

The instead cup is the greatest invention ever.

It's nearly the best line in the whole movie.

I've been recently reminded of the time that I chose vodka and chaka khan and how incredibly stupid I got. Please god, grant me the good sense to never do that again.
Is it inherant to my personality to take things too far? to go to extremes *all* the time? How do I change something like that?
Jelly Belly and I had italian food the other night.. we had been downtown and decided to go to Isabella for dinner.. it was the sweetest thing. She sat with her napkin in her lap and sipped water from a fancy blue goblet.. we shared some mussels and clams and some pizza. We were a couple of fancy girls.
Dropped boy "A" last night. We were talking on the phone. He's just too demanding - high maintainence -. I'm glad I didnt have more invested. It's a lot easier to break ties with people that you havnt slept with.

Ange and Abel broke up..
This is the first major indication that the world is going to shit. I modeled my hope of a someday relationship based on their relationship.. it's just baffling. I cried when ange told me, I was crushed and confused..
How do these things happen?
I'm dating two people that I actually like and enjoy hanging out with. I cant see someone more than twice a week though or I start to freak out and feel like they're invading my space.. yet, if I dont see them about once a week, I get inscure and imagine that they dont actually like me. However, I'm a lot less retarded than I have been in the past.
Boy "A" thinks it's weird that none of my dates or previous boyfriends have met bean (except for psychoexboyfriend and that is because we lived together for a time).. he says that my concerns regarding that issue are "unnatural" ... I think if he had kids, he'd understsand better.. maybe I do shelter her, but she's a child and who else is going to provide security and stability to my child if I dont?

A post work quiet and thoughtful moment.. awaiting the arrival of the shaineh.
Why is it that goodness is either abundant or vacant? There never seems to be a balanced amount of goodness in the world or especially in my life.. I'm either overcome with wonderful people, things, food, feelings, goings-on.. or there seems to be nothing nice in the world at all. Everything is negative, all comments are derogatory and everything seems to go in the opposite direction than the direction I want it to go.
Is it a relfection of my ability for appreciation? That, maybe, I cant appreciate the goodness in the world if I cant see it in myself? or it just so much less my responsibility that it's just coincidence? I believe in karma, and the cosmos and a higher understanding.. I believe in things working out the way they do for a reason. Is that just a silly excuse like prayer is an excuse to believe that better things will come?
I want to start small, by finding one tiny thing to counter every negative thing that comes up. Just a field expiriment.

And -
Everybody check out my friend, Les.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/getwriting/U247949