I feel as if the one I had loved is dead, but the pain is worse. Not dead, just lost. Everyday we are 2 miles apart or perhaps in the same building. And do we ever cross paths? No. Maybe it is for the best, though I have no idea what the best is anymore. I have been asleep my whole life, thinking all of it was real. Was it? Did he really happen to me 4 years ago, and then return to me 3 years later to just fade away. I couldn’t bear to be in his presence because then it really all is real, he is real, he is here, he is not dead. Why is it so hard to move on? Five and a half months later and my feelings are nowhere near diminishing like his existence in my life has. I have taken all the so called necessary steps in order to move forward. I’ve deleted it all, no more pictures, no more gifts, no more him. There is no solid, in your face, tangible proof that he was ever mine, no reality. Just my memories that overcome me everyday are here, that’s my reality. It doesn’t get easier, time has not healed me, some days I hardly think or feel, other days it’s all I think about. If I knew what I did to deserve the sting I have been given, I would be sure to never recreate it. His hate for me was brought on by lies, but not my own. It’s astonishing how many people believe the things that you truly wouldn't want to believe, but do anyway. I never gave him any pain on purpose, and I wouldn’t have started to towards the end. Once a friend, she quickly became an adversary, keeping only her self-interest at heart. So she lied, she won, I lost. It’s heartbreaking when someone so undeserving is rewarded with two loves, and the ability to get away with lying and ruining someone else’s love with no regard. My side of the story has never been believed or told properly and it never will be. All he knows are her lies.
I want to be released from my bitterness.