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doll heart
11 September 2011 @ 07:35 am
So, you think we should still be friends, huh?

You text me time after time without receiving any sort of acknowledgement from me, hoping that one of these texts you send my way will get the reply you have been hoping for.
Yet, the words you write seem to come off as a finger pointed at me as if I did all the wrong in this situation, and you were just an innocent victim. Are you serious?
What makes you think I would reply to, "I tried calling you the other day FYI", "Just so YOU know, I still love you and you will always be my sister no matter how mad you may be.", OR [and this one is the best] "So, do you think we should go another YEAR without talking again? I honestly don't think that's necessary." ???????

Let's get something fucking straight right now:
1. You telling me that you tried calling me is completely POINTLESS, given the fact that my phone has already shown me that you called...yea, that is what a MISSED CALL log is for. I don't need to respond to that, but thanks, Captain Obvious.
2. I was never mad in the first place. I was disappointed by the fact that what I thought you were going to do was what you actually did...you proved me right. In this situation that is very sad. Also, my feelings were hurt. Yes, I do feel. I am fucking human. Do not act like this is all just a result of anger. You know damn well that is not the case at hand.
3. EXCUSE YOU, but I don't give a fuck about what you seem to think is necessary or unnecessary. BY THE WAY, did you forget that YOU were the one who decided to end this friendship EACH time??!! You are the reason we did not talk for a whole year! You freaked out on me over something that I had no control over that time. This time, you decided that being called selfish was enough for you to want to cut ties with me.

Now, why the fuck are you texting me and acting like it is all on me?? Where do you come off treating me like I am just some immature, angry girl?
Honey, your wish was to stop talking to me. I am simply granting what it is that you have wished for. Do I have a back bone? Yes. Am I strong enough to refrain from wanting to give in and ask for your friendship back? YES. Do I know that in any situation where my friendship with someone will end for whatever reason, and later someone will give in because he/she wants said friendship back, that person crawling back will most certainly always be him or her and not me? You bet your sorry ass I do!

SO, if you are expecting to get a response from me that will tell you that I am sorry and that I have missed you...that I want our friendship back, you are in for a great big let down.
I do not care if I ever talk to you again or not. At this point I am indifferent. Whatever will be, will be.
I am only responding to your last text to point these things out because you obviously do not seem to get it.

That will be all.
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: The Cure: Truth, Goodness, and Beauty
doll heart
04 December 2008 @ 07:18 pm
I feel as though this vicious cycle will never end.
I thought I was clear about how I feel.
You know my wishes, and yet you still continue to disregard them.
There is nothing else I can say or do to get through.
A lost cause.
You keep trying to push me.
Resentment will be your only friend.
This chase is beginning to tire me.
I've got nothing left to give.
A thorn in my foot.
What is it going to take?
Let life take its journey.
There's life underground.
I will stay content.
A gratifying experience.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: ruin:NILE
doll heart
15 June 2007 @ 12:09 am
I've got a bad itch for, well I don't know what. I'm rambling, and Im going to keep rambiling on until something makes sense. [not likely to happen]

last night I felt soooo sick, I couldn't do anything to help myself, so I eventually just stuck my fingers down my throat and proceeded to gag until a little bit of what I had eaten hours before came up. I felt a bit better when I went back to sleep, but it didn't last for long and I couldn't get in my usual comfortable position. Damn the pains of eating too late. all day at work, doing a stretch, I felt like shit, too..so that didn't make me feel any better. im okay now, though. thank goodness.

i get to leave work EARLY tomorrow, yess. and i am seeing eric's band play, loves them, and maybe jupiter too..then im going to a party with my sister that is for an old friend's birthday, lots of people will be there that we need to catch up with, im excited. :P

ashly is snoring, night.

Current Location: assly's bed
Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: the grabbing hands grab all they can. everything counts in large amounts..
doll heart
23 May 2007 @ 10:14 pm
it is a weird feeling to want to plan out when i want to cut myself. how do i get here? wanting to cut all the time, or just wanting it more when i hear of someone else doing it and reminding me of how awesome it feels to hurt myself instead of someone else hurting me. the astonishing power of a blade is breathtaking. meeting me in the bathtub, awaiting the flow of blood and water as i scar my flesh. i crave what i will endure. it is a hunger. it gives me satisfaction, bleeding.

give your blood, and i'll let you choke me.

it's a fix.
Current Mood: tiredtired
doll heart
03 May 2007 @ 01:09 am
melissa, are you ready for this?

Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: new order
doll heart
25 April 2007 @ 09:49 pm
heart and mind, please don't fail me, now.
Current Location: ashly's bed
Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: foo fighters: times like these
doll heart
My whole life is just a whirlwind of emotions and crazy. that is all I can think of to write right now. I don't even know what I am doing, anymore. or what is real. or going on. or going to happen. I don't even want to think about where I am going to be if ________________________________________. that's it. what is in the blank? I don't even know. I would just like you to leave my mind for enough time for me to be okay without you in my life, atleast for a while. and let myself not want you the way I do..loving you like this just won't get me anywhere, and I need to be strong for myself.
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: the cure: love song
doll heart
30 January 2007 @ 02:40 pm
So I am coming to terms with the fact that I won't have internet for a while still to come! :/ makes me sad, but hey..it happens. OH! I just remembered..I have to go to kroq.com for my dad. anyhow..

Zach Braff reminds me a lot of Karli in the way he speaks/writes. awesome people go hand in hand..I guess that is why.

I don't really know what I am doing here, writing about nothingness..for the millionth time. I just feel so great about actually being able to come on here and have time to write something. [UN]Fortunately I wasn't able to go to DISNEYLAND today because of stupid roommates making me pay more monies, so I had the day to come here and do some laundry and what nots. Time to look up some job opps. and hit up MAC, again! gosh, all I want to do is have some experience with makeup, can't they understand that?! ha, guess not. Something good will happen with that and me, though..so I'm not going to worry right now. I went to a LANCOME counter yesterday with my manager, and it was rather delightful. I got my skin diagnosed..and I am pretty proud to say that I am good on everything..except my firmness in my face, supposedly. I think that part was broken because it wasn't working at first..anyhow, doesn't matter really to me either way. I don't care about all that stuff. I'm quite content with growing old and getting wrinkles..its a part of life and I will enjoy it. :)

Time for something more clever to write, OR just stop writing all together..hm..
I think I'll take the second one.

But before I go, to let those of you who I haven't told yet know, I moved to Nuevo in a sweet house with some cool friends of mine, and we are currently looking for a sweet ass person to take the other room since gordo is GONE. it is 300 a month, plust utilities and you will LOVE living there. trust me. :P anyhow, if anyone knows of anyone..hit me up. if not, come hang out some time. hit me up for that, too. alright, well later. loves and good day. :P <3
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: toad the wet sprocket <3
doll heart
12 May 2006 @ 07:43 pm
doll heart
19 December 2005 @ 10:33 am
I haven't had a real update in a while. The truth is, I just don't want to write. I don't have anything to say because everything I want to say is sad and painful and just too much to put into words again and again. I don't want to pretend like I am happy and nothing is wrong. It is all a lie. I keep thinking that posting something funny will keep everything hidden and no one will know, but that isn't how I am going to work right now. I piss myself off doing that. There is something going on and some know what I am talking about. I really want to keep that some at a low number. I don't like telling people my problems, most people are too busy worrying about their own to care anyway. And frankly, that is how I feel right now. I will listen to you, sure, but a bunch of shit will just be going through my head at the same time and I will be more concentrated on that. I am a good listener, and friend..yes, but right now I don't think I can be. I need friends to be here for me right now. And some of the ones I thought would be more than anyone, aren't at all. That is pretty shitty, but you know I will get over it and never come to you again. So next time you complain that I don't call you, I am going to tell you to shut the fuck up. I am letting this affect my work, and that isn't good. But I have realized that and now I can do something to make it better.

I know what I need to do and I will do it. I keep getting different advice from people, ofcourse. But what it comes down to is what I know I must do. That is the bottom line. I won't turn away from it like I have in the past. I won't deny myself anymore. I am going to be strong and keep going. I won't give up.

I love you too much.
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: a movie is on