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[23 Apr 2009|10:57pm] |
I'm feeling really strange today! Like my insides have become jelly and my thoughts are a mixed, bouncing bag of feelings.
I probably need to listen to more wise teachings - I must be getting lost in life.
Met up with old friends from pre-uni days today, caught up! Found out both their fathers lost their jobs in this recession ... It's never hit me like that. Some people I'm close to, it's becoming so real.
Living a sheltered comfortable life, no wonder, I realise my ideas are just naive and idealistic.
My supervisor is turning out to be ... so much nicer than I expected. I'm seriously feeling like I have to make it up to him, do a good job otherwise I'm letting people down. Funny, because things that I complain about eventually get better. Doesn't mean I should do it more, yea?
I feel weird, because for the first time in ages I'm able to talk frankly with a friend ... we feel similar? How strange.
At times I feel independent and brave, because ... oh I don't know. What, I recklessly managed to drive my way to hospital in the morning? Without a GPS.
This week I've also been lonely, when there were no good pals to chat with in the student common room at the hospital I'm now at. Miss old company? Sure do.
I'm determined to be more hardworking and appreciative. I've been lazy, idle for too long now. Time to do the right thing again.
Eventually, I think I'm loving myself more and more, and knowing myself and life better. That's good, I never did enough of that.
Well ... I feel unsettled. I'm surprised too, after a WHOLE string of near fail assignments, I'm getting positive comments and much better marks for the last 2 I did in my oncology and aged care terms. Wow... I'm very encouraged by those markers to be frank. I thought I was a gone case.
I'm a bit touched too, by that.
And the frailty, mortality, complexity of human life, memories, feelings. I'm reeling from the changes at home, outside, everywhere. One moment up, another moment down. Can never predict what's going to happen next.
I'm so uncalm I can't fall asleep now. Maybe I'm jittery. I'm excited. Over all these.
Feeling so much, no longer numb with pain and tiredness like I was for the weeks leading up to my exam.
This time, I will make it different. I will PUT IN MY BEST EFFORT.
Thus, ends the very fleeting entry that typifies its writer.
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[28 Jan 2009|08:06pm] |
Things on Earth in this time are not forever.
Just a few months ago - a time which perhaps exists only in the trickery of my mind, you were saying how much you enjoyed my company.
Even fewer months ago - we were laughing like crazy and pissing the girls opposite off.
But a few hours ago - it's like all that is stifled under the burden of time and driftwood, and there isn't that much to say anymore to each other.
And I remember telling you how friendships are evolving all the time. Because people are different every second. Like how our hearts flicker so much like a candle.
You've only exemplified this further.
No wonder I dislike opening up to just anyone, what a pain.
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[23 Jan 2009|06:14pm] |
Certain things.
Like how I wish I was more eloquent and calm and organized and diligent and intelligent and more warm and taller and more lucky and ... many many things.
But I haven't earned them and I should respect that.
I'm not true to my feelings.
I feel like an eccentric, lonesome ... abnormal. person.
I'm seriously getting into some sort of pre-CNY depression. yes, Yes. It's a public holiday here in Sydney on 26th the first day, but that's because it's Australia Day. Whyever else would it be? I feel so alone.
And it's not PMS.
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[22 Jan 2009|07:33pm] |
While not unusual, it is a tad disappointing and really strange - when senior professionals constantly have to remind students to study/do this do that etc. Does the profession not motivate students enough to work hard?
Something is lost there. It's like taking up an apprenticeship at say, a shoemaker. Surely you have to put in maximum, 200% effort to learn the skills to the best of your ability. It's the same isn't it, for medicine?
Talk about a black sheep calling itself black.
Anyway, I miss you. You, who seemed to be another version of me.
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[12 Sep 2008|10:46pm] |
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Packing for Singapore, and that includes stuff I need for work like my assignment that I got an extension for ... gee, it's going to be a brilliant break.
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[06 Sep 2008|05:45pm] |
Funnily enough, I'm enjoying myself this term.
Yes, I thought mums and kids would be hella boring. Super uber duper UGH. Not to mention the seasonal bugs going around those wards. Turns out I reaped a good harvest of those bugs, got sick 3 times in just 6 weeks. Now I have a very sexy, husky manly voice. Whee.
But I also really soaked in the working environment, especially with the paediatrics teams. They're so warm and friendly! How can someone who takes care of kids be cold? As one of the docs put it so aptly, "We're all mushy inside actually. That's what we're like. The senior paediatricians will take care of the junior ones ... and so on. Do you hear stories [like the sad child abuse ones] from cardiologists?" Haha. One of the funny old eccentric-looking but kind guys. & I was pleasantly surprised to hear that, it completely summarised why I started thinking - hey, maybe i might do paediatrics after all. I was never interested in it, not remotely. And now I'm finding myself rather taken in.
Ok, song of the day that I have looped many, many times, I bring you -
I can't get enough of the beats and the sarcasm! :)
Man I need a break...
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[02 Sep 2008|11:02pm] |
I am guilty,
of causing people trouble,
by hurting them unknowingly.
Again,
and again...
I think
maybe
it is because
I think too much about myself.
Have to stop.
CHANGE from now.
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[02 Sep 2008|08:53pm] |
Why so serious?
Why so silly?
Why so selfish?
Why so stupid?
Why so self-centred?
Why so sad?
Why so sick?
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[31 Aug 2008|04:53pm] |
Doctor P is the paediatrician taking us for 4 days. He loves anthropology, geography, current affairs and likes to random quiz students, even in front of patients.
Question from Dr P to us students: So, what did Singapore use to be before becoming a developed country like it is today?
I stay silent, so I won't spoil the fun.
Everyone else stays silent and looks puzzled.
Well, I wouldn't expect anyone in the room except from Dr P himself to know.
Dr P drops a hint: So well, it's a island, yes.
The other students still look puzzled, and I'm not too sure what exactly is the answer he wants either.
Finally, J breaks the silence and hazards a guess: Er ... I guess ... a VOLCANO ...?
... HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Everyone nearly dies laughing (first time I heard Dr P crack up).
In my mind I imagined this volcano, spewing lava and ash over a billion years ago, and finally it sort of sizzles out as the ice melts and becomes the island. Fast forward and you get the tropical landscape, and then the merlion and the SG flag and all sorts of things popping up. It's like a history video all sped up with the cute animation.
---------------
I'M GETTING LAZY! TOO LAZY TO STUDY, DITTO WITH FREQUENT BLOGGING, AND NOW I FIND COOKING A HASSLE SOMETIMES.
This is goood.
The answer to the question, in case you guys want to know is: fishing village.
Back to reading the Straits Times my dad just brought back from SG. I miss it so much.
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[23 Jul 2008|07:46pm] |
I was reading anonymous comments on how I fared in my team, by my project group members, and this came up:
"she was a smooth personality to deal with..."
HAHA I LOL-ed so hard at that one!! Smooth?! Makes me sound like some dude good at picking up girls... or suave, like someone else said. Hahaha. Probably not something most people would describe me as. Haha!! Totally cracks me up.
Can't wait to find out who wrote this lol.
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[07 Jul 2008|07:09pm] |
Songs are about,
50% melody
50% content
100% musician
100% listener
Just like conversations.
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[25 Jun 2008|08:59pm] |
I suddenly realise what he meant when he told me I was inhibited! I mean all along I accepted it as true and I knew he was right but oh my, oh my, only today do I really comprehend what it is. It's not just about being reserved, but being reserved around strangers in a way that wouldn't happen with someone I knew well, and I would be even less inhibited with someone I know even more. I'm sure some people are like this too.
But I think the word 'inhibited' in drug & alcohol vocab helped me to get to my meaning today. I hear how amphetamines make one uninhibited - you know, do stuff you normally wouldn't :P On this note, I am loving LJ's spellcheck.
Ah and it is pretty surreal, to have normal looking normally dressed people on the bus, talking on the phone about stem cells and lab and publications and murine models and stuff... it's just so out of place haha. But yeah I guess alot of people getting on the bus are from the hospital area with a high density of research institutes anyway.
No doubt I know how my pals feel now. Getting questions from a clinical nurse consultant, and NOT knowing the answers to them... They aren't even random facts. IT MAKES ME SO ASHAMED. How could I have passed and gotten the marks I did.
What have I been doing?! SLEEPING? I think so! Lol.
Yeah. That's it for today.
I think I'm having too much to think about recently, deciding shit.
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[24 Jun 2008|08:39pm] |
It's good to chronicle things sometimes because it lets me reflect. Other times I just can't be bothered.
Anyway these past few weeks since I lived the dream of passing my major massive exams without knowing how really I've been half-intensive in my studies.
It used to be a quarter and now it's half so, that's not bad right?
Being attached to drug and alcohol services and seeing all the really crazy stuff that happens there blows me out of my mind sometimes. It's making me better though.
And all the paperwork trouble I went through to get my placement? Worth it. I swear my stress threshold had gone up a lil notch coz of that.
Wonderful, and today I once more get a chance to raise my semi-low systolic blood pressure. Not that I really intend to. Spend 3 hours travelling for nearly nothing?
Nearly nothing because at least I get to meet the people I might be working with next year, and! Now I know always BOOK a face-to-face meeting and really suss out what's happening there because peoples' opinions need not be reliable sometimes. I DID book but still?
So now I know why the healthcare system shuttles people around just like alot of admin people too because the healthcare staff are being shuttled around anyway ...
Dunno how people enjoy busy 9-5 no break lives.
Worth it? I ask. Depends.
And wow, 10 years does make a great difference to the way people handle things and think. I think we pretty much all agree that this 30-something student in my group is just impressive. The questions she asks. The way she starts working. Her approach. I think even a couple of years makes a difference for some people.
Well it's been a time of growing up for me. Reeeally much faster, and more than in the first 2.25 years of Med.
Cheers to another 3.75 years + 0.5 + another-gazillion... at least I know more about what I'm doing, and why I should do this.
I'm slowly falling in step with this. Not really love, that would be a bit like I'm getting sucked in. I still have a life out of it man, and I intend to keep it this way.
And getting picked up by a random I only know for 10 minutes? Pretty disgusting. And freaky. At least I'm now going to be better at dealing with this crap. Perhaps I should be less friendly to people around me. Staying too long at drugs and alcohol really warps me up abit.
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[23 Apr 2008|09:23pm] |
Now I understand your frustration.
The self-perception,
the feeling that I planted more seeds than someone else, but still got less fruit trees in the end.
Forgive me for having been so insensitive to how you felt.
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[22 Apr 2008|04:54pm] |
When I listen to foreign music I sometimes wish I could understand more languages, so that it brings out the art form at its best.
But real listening isn't all about words anyway.
Body language is universal.
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[21 Apr 2008|09:01pm] |
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I would gravitate towards someone who gave me love & concern. Wouldn't you?
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[17 Apr 2008|08:57pm] |
I can't believe it has been a week since I last updated (according to Livejournal).
It's almost as if everything was a product of my imagination, and nothing has really happened.
I've been ultra socially inept this week.
When my heart turns cold, the world freezes over.
Act your age?
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[10 Apr 2008|06:02pm] |
Sometimes I feel like the old me that I was. Nervous, and not confident. Especially now when exams are nearing and I find myself not being able to match up to people in so many things and making so many mistakes.
In general I've never really put that much effort into my training so now after two years of lazing around or dashing about aimlessly I find myself on the slow end. And that's not a feeling I'm used to, I guess hard hard work pays off.
Other times I start thinking if people will accept me because that's what I really yearn for but because of that I can't always be myself, what if they think I'm crazy?
Maybe I'm introverted or shy or just rude and anti-social sometimes when I don't feel like smiling and saying "Hi" because that's what I would do - on a good day?
Who am I to say if my days are good or bad, since I should always be looking up.
In the end I always conclude that I need to love more and show love more to others because in the end it will all flow back.
And I'm too naive and childish and not planning at all for my future.
Life was too comfortable.
Instead of demanding understanding from others why not reverse the flow of thought? What you have is what you have, but it may not be what you will have. So why worry about have and have-nots?
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[30 Nov 2007|10:05pm] |
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So, I'm the devil now eh.
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[23 Nov 2007|11:06am] |
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If I pass this exam I won't be upset but if I actually get a credit it'll be a miracle.
Congrats on screwing up my honours prospects.
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