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[28 Dec 2010|12:12am]
my nana is dying.
i can see it in her face, from the pictures posted on facebook.
she's 66. like 90lbs.

my mother says i should call her. write her. something.
i can't

i don't know how to deal with death approaching.

Grown-up Life [19 Sep 2010|10:39am]
Accepted the Assistant Director position at Fund for the Public Interest.
I'm really excited! I get to work with awesome people & learn how to run a campaign office.
It will be great experience, I just hope I can manage it for long enough (70plus hours a week).

senior thesis [28 Apr 2010|12:18am]
I wrote this after an emotional breakdown friday. I'm really happy with it.


Today was the original deadline for me to complete this thesis. I still have editing, and need to make some sort of substantial conclusion. I'm scared to finish the conclusion. Scared to turn in a complete and finished senior sociology thesis. Scared to stand up and say “hey, this is what it means to rave,” because really, is this what it means? Are raves defined as social spaces to perform and create multiple identities, and alternate communities? Or is it just what myself and other 'ravers' I have spoken with interpret them as?

In high school, my eleventh grade honors literature and creative writing teacher emphasized ideas of Descartes, “We live in a world that has been imagined. A world that has been imagined for us.” At raves, we escape social constraints that limit us to exist within a world that has been imagined for us. We actively imagine and construct an alternate world. And for that evening, or weekend, or six months, we are a part of an alternate community. A community that shares similar notions, similar feelings, similar beliefs that we can truly be whoever we want to be.

But at some point we have to return to 'real life,' the world that has been imagined for us. And when you don't return once the rave is over, it can be detrimental. I, as well as many ravers I spoke with, recall vividly just how seriously problematic this was to our health and our relationships. It's painful to look back and remember how much I couldn't care about 'real life' because in 'fake life' people loved me. People cared about me. Even if it 'was just the ecstasy,' it was the closest I had ever felt to freely opening up and embracing love and community. Except there were people in 'real life' who did love...


We just hadn't found the way to step outside those boundaries and communicate it. We hadn't found a way to move past out histories, past our differences, and past our fear of re-defining ourselves and our relationships. Looking back it makes me sad to remember that raves were the only space I felt that I could escape these barriers. Because once I stepped out of 'fake life' and consciously chose to re-imagine my relationships to others and to myself, boundaries became more malleable. I began to experience love and community.

For all those people in 'real life' I left behind, I'm sorry.

I hope through this thesis, through these stories from many different voices, you can begin to see exactly why we dance to forget real life.


[02 Apr 2010|07:14am]
i'm so glad he asked me to walk away from him.

[13 Mar 2010|02:40am]
i don't want to go to sleep and wake up to reality.

[22 Feb 2010|12:09am]
it's been a long week.
i fucking love being ignored by people i care about.

probably shouldn't have eaten half a roll.

i miss james.

justin hoppensteadt [16 Nov 2009|01:02am]
is the worst person alive.

dreamland [05 Nov 2009|01:49pm]
i've had three different dreams about James since sunday night/monday morning. They have all been so vivid, real. And when I wake up I am so fucking depressed. I have no desire to get out of bed after these dreams and face reality. Maybe if I stop longing to be with him he will stay out of my dreams. But the dreams bring him back into my conscious desire. I'm behind in my school work because I'd rather go back to sleep and try to keep the realtionship alive (through my dreams)  than accept that it's over. I constantly want to text him about these dreams. but i can't. i need to leave him alone. he can't be there for me anymore bc i pushed him out.
it's so fucking difficult.
i've never regretted a break-up as much as I have this time around. I can't let go of my fear that I let other people influence my decision to break-up with him (sarah, justin). I know that there were some concrete reasons for the break-up. But what if we could have worked it out? He recently stopped drinking so much & starting going out more often......

whatever. it's over. james and i are not james and me. i am just me. and i won't find happiness until i accept that.

blast from the past [22 Oct 2009|12:49am]
mike perris came over friday. interesting time. except he's 30 & balding. 
kim & i went to an underground party in LA on saturday. saw justin and johnny there. cops busted the party, we went back to their place & continued to drink. somehow got into a wrestling match with justin on his concrete floor. must admit it was kind of hot. went out again to another bar & club. made it back to his place at 5. he crashed on the couch, kim and i slept in his bed. ha.

sunday i drove up to santa babara to see / interview larry for my thesis. it was really good to see him, know that he is doing alright.

james' birthday is tomorrow. part of me really really wishes i could spend it with him. i miss him...seeing these other boys made me miss him even more.

[25 Sep 2009|02:21pm]
i kissed matt sosun in my dream last night. ohh my long lost lovers...

i just want to wake up next to a warm beautiful body.
being alone is a lot harder than i remember. but i know its good for me.

he felt it coming [10 Sep 2009|09:15am]
for the past four weeks.

even though its for the best, it still fucking hurts.

i just want to collapse within myself.

goodbye james.

Today was Fantastic! [05 May 2009|06:41pm]
(Besides over-sleeping & missing my last ceramics class...)

I received a call this afternoon from the two reps I interviewed with on friday at the Planned Parenthood Advocacy Project. I am going to be a Public Affairs intern this summer!! The job description is EXACTLY what I want to do, and the cause is so important to me! They sounded excited, I am very excited!!! And, I will be starting out working thurs & friday, then sunday in June. So that means weekends in Los Angeles!

I got my soc stats midterm back. I didn't really study for it, didn't feel too confident about it while taking it, but I got a 94%!! highest grade on a test in a verry long time.

Now, I get to write 2 papers tonight. I can do it! lol.

next month [11 Apr 2009|05:15pm]
is going to be fucking fantastic.

May 14th - last final paper
May 15th - My 21st birthday & party!
May 28th, 29th, 30th, 31st - LAS VEGAS!!!!!! my parents already booked our rooms at the Golden Nugget. Although its not on the strip, i heard its a gorgeous hotel.

Now all i have to do is get through:  3-5pg paper, two 4-6pg papers, 5pg paper, 12-15pg paper, 4 1-2 page papers, a final project, and 3 group presentations,  and finish 3 ceramic projects.

[16 Feb 2009|11:35pm]
every single fucking day i am so anxious about the future. only 3 months and a year until i have to face the real world. only 3 months until summer, when they kick us out of the dorms and i end up floating around, technically "homeless" by legal definition. only weeks left until i have to turn in a bunch of apps for internships I don't feel confident in the actual possibility of securing.

fucking sociology. makes me miserable. i've been reading all week about "The Power Elite," and how outside structural forces socialize individuals into certain positions in life. i feel so inadequate. and angry. angry that on paper i will have the same degree as my fellow classmates, but in actuality i will not have the same opportunities. and this should motivate me to seek ways, available opportunities right at my hands, to change this and thrust myself up in the applicant pool. but i'm so fucking pessimistic and don't. instead i'm still 16 and my whole world is crashing down on me. instead i'm bitter that i have to worry about all these extra expenses, working enough hours, and uncertainties on top of trying to maintain good grades, apply for internships, and develop relationships with faculty and whatnot.

god i hate this school.
really, i'm just scared. and tired. and jealous of everyone at this school, who don't have to worry about finances, now or in the future, which their are a lot of those.
(my dad made his FINAL payment for my tuition, which leaves over $25,000 left to pay for within the next 15 months, on top of my already $22,000 in loans i've taken out so far, and he cancelled my car insurance policy, all within the last few days)
01 | comment

better late than never? [15 Jan 2009|02:59pm]
Goodbye 2008.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
sex with girls. rode a greyhound, saw the South.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my cousin brittany. she was only 21 or 22.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
i don't think so.

5. What countries did you visit?

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
7/22/08 the first day of an almost 2 month break-up with Justin.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
finally breaking up with Justin.
fundraising $20,000.00 for one of the most successful teen homeless shelters.

9. What was your biggest failure?
saving money.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
5 or 6 colds. i think i had a terrible flu virus too. i broke / fracture my tailbone from a drunken fall on top of a perfect pushup thing.

11. What were the best things you bought?
a greyhound ticket from colorado to south carolina. Electric Daisy Carnival ticket.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my sister Melissa.

13. Whose behavior appalled you?
my step-sister Allison. kim.

14. Where did most of your money go?
booze, gas, food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
EDC. Electro-Techno Disco Pop! in San Francisco

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Chromeo- Tenderoni.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
happier, but more anxious about the future.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
plan for the future.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
facebook & other internet time wasters

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
i spent christmas eve at my uncle's and christmas day at my parents and then christmas night with James.

21. How will you be spending New Years?
I went to Together as One. it was awesome.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
yep, with many people.

23. How many one-night stands?
one, in January.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Curb Your Enthusiasm.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i don't like someone as much as i did last year.

26. What was the best book you read?
Dry. and Brazen Femme: Queering Femininity.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Radiohead (i don't know why they weren't a part of my life in high school...)

28. What did you want and get?
an A on a sociology paper.

29. What did you want and not get?
a bike.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Milk, Choke, Sin City.

31. What did you do on your birthday?
wrote some of a sociology final paper. went to Bucca with my family.  and went to Heist, a club in hollywood, with my college girlfriends and Justin. it was a great birthday.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if i didn't get hungover so frequently.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
bright colors.

34. What kept you sane?
friends like vanessa.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Amy whinehouse. ha.

36. Who did you miss?
gato, my little brothers. justin.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
James. Matt Sosun. Kira. Joshua. Elektra.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
i'm responsible for me.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars

This is our decision to live fast and die young
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun
Yeah, it's overwhelming but what else can we do
Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?



a drunken toast. [15 Nov 2008|04:09pm]
"Here's to the most troublesome girlfriend I have ever had. But you are totally worth it." -James

i guess i'm difficult

pillowtalk. [06 Nov 2008|09:10am]
"you're beautiful. like the beautiful that makes people want to do beautiful things."

my moon my man, my moon my man. [15 Oct 2008|02:01pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Today I realized I will not be able to make a 2year commitment (right after college) to TEACH FOR AMERICA unless I stop drinking.  I waste so much time consuming alcohol in the evening and spending the next day hung over and spaced out. I hope I can learn to cut back by the time I reach senior year, but really I don't see that happening. Once I start I can't stop. I can't just have "one drink" I need two or three or seven (depending how weak they are).

Life without alcohol seems very frightening...

in other news I'm falling in love. never have i ever felt as happy dancing with one other person than i did last night. it was an awesome moment. previously i had been so self-conscious about my lack of rhythm and what not, despite the act that i truly enjoy dancing. but last night it didn't matter. last night it was just him and me and the music in a dark room.


when blue leopard print looks like blue camouflage print. [03 Oct 2008|12:53pm]
"so a friend of mine overheard your 'sister,' earlier say: 'gosh James is seeing a lot of people.' i'm a little worked up."
"she's just a dumb freshman. trying to start drama. how could that be possible." he calmly replied.
"i don't know...."
"it's just i've turned people down recently. i got phone calls this week, i told them no."
"well that's good..."as he kissed my neck.
"because I actually like you."
"i actually like you too." he said.

it's weird. i don't want to see anyone else but him. this is new for me. emotionally risky. dangerous. 
i'm nervous. fearful.
i feel like it only takes hours to fall in love with people. i do it too often.
(i'm not saying i've fallen in love.)


marijuana girl saves [26 Sep 2008|02:58pm]
i woke up this morning and saw a post-it note on my desk. in his handwriting it reads "Call James (818) xxx-xxxx"

i'm giddy.

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