---------------------------------------------------
but doubt never fails to come far behind. 
so im a little scared, my nerves are getting  to me.
im fragile.  i should have a sticker on my forhead that says "HANDLE WITH CARE"
because i only trust as far as i can spit. 
maybe.... you can prove me wrong.

The neighbors said she moved away, funny how it rained all day. I didn't think much of it then, but it's starting to all make sense. Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds are following me in my desperate endeavor to find my whoever, wherever he may be. I'm not coming back, forgive me. I've done something so terrible, I'm terrified to speak. I'm not calling, I'm not calling, but you'd expect that from me. I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, you're driving me crazy. Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair and out of my mind, keeping an eye on the world from so many thousands of feet off the ground. I'm over you now, I'm at home in the clouds, towering over your head.

Pretending everything is right to make it better, I'll hide my make-up smeared eyes to show that I'm fine. Some how you have managed to get under my skin more than anyone ever did and if every hole makes a scar, and every scar marks its place then I will never live freely without your trace, and it'll never be fair. I wrote my songs for you and you never even cared, so I'll forget you. I'll wash your t-shirt and kill the pillow and cut you out of pictures.

[i broke up with her
i really believe it was the best decision.
really.
it would have been so easy to let her take me with her.
that waking dreamland we escape to every now and then,
to be for her what she needs me to be.

a
and
...i do care,
so much, that i won't do that with her.
pretend.
so she rips herself to shreds,
to prove that i am worth loving.
tears fall down my cheeks,
because 
she has no idea that i will break her heart.
_when you break someones heart,
you also break your own.

i've got more to learn, 
and 
i have to keep growing.

yesterday we had our millionth fight in a matter of days.  
i choose to walk away,
forget about every promise,
because of everything im scared of.
i told her,  "i guess im just no good at relationships."
and hung up.
she called back and yelled,
she cried,
and asked "Why won't you let yourself be happy?"

It's like ive finally finished this masterpiece painting and it's a beautiful picture of what WE ARE, and who
SHE IS, and everything in between,
but my thought that her and i are invincible fails
as I fucking trip and pieces are everywhere and suddenly its no longer so pretty
and i see things i never saw before
and it scares me
the perfection is gone
and every pretty thought was just a fantasy.

she says all these pretty things
she does all these pretty things
they warm my heart
and im believing in love
believing in every word she says
i love what i have
i love her.
i love my connection with her.
im loving.
loving.
loving.
loving.
and
holding on.

over the weekend I watched kids i didn;t know graduate from towson.
[amy. maya. elizabeth.]

i couldn't pull myself to go to herefords graduation...
i felt like it didn't matter that i'd spent 2 and half of my highschool years there,
but im so disconnected from everyone there, whats the point?

i went to the house afterwards and stared at families and girls i'd grown up with,
girls i played in the sandbox with, dressed-up, and fought about taking eachothers stuff with.
i could remember when these girls were 5
and now their turning 18 and they just graduated,
blows me away...it hits home in this incredible way that 
makes me get teary eyed and sentimental.




[best wishes and congradulations to amy, and maya]