he's worried his rent is too late
she's worried for her daughter who wants to drop out of school
she's worried she'll always be stuck here behind this computer, searching...
i sit back to listen and watch....eavesdrop....
other peoples problems...some in situations far worse than I
i hope that they'll get out of here...
i hope they go home to someone who supports them...
i hope they find happiness...
is always filled with
pain seems to fill the eyes of those that surround me...
i try to smile at them, pass on a bit of hope through a small gesture....
but sometimes i'm smiling just to convince myself of the same thing.
this will pass.
it will all be a memory.
- Current Location:edsi
- Current Mood: contemplative
- Current Music:fans
- Current Mood: bored
- Current Music:in the sun - joesph arthur
im keeping this smile on my face, and hope in my heart.
ive convinced myself this year is going to be amazing.
but doubt never fails to come far behind.
so im a little scared, my nerves are getting to me.
im fragile. i should have a sticker on my forhead that says "HANDLE WITH CARE"
because i only trust as far as i can spit.
maybe.... you can prove me wrong.
- Current Mood: contemplative
- Current Music:gym class heroes
The neighbors said she moved away, funny how it rained all day. I didn't think much of it then, but it's starting to all make sense. Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds are following me in my desperate endeavor to find my whoever, wherever he may be. I'm not coming back, forgive me.
I've done something so terrible, I'm terrified to speak. I'm not calling, I'm not calling, but you'd expect that from me. I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, you're driving me crazy. Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair and out of my mind, keeping an eye on the world from so many thousands of feet off the ground. I'm over you now, I'm at home in the clouds, towering over your head.
Pretending everything is right to make it better, I'll hide my make-up smeared eyes to show that I'm fine. Some how you have managed to get under my skin more than anyone ever did and if every hole makes a scar, and every scar marks its place then I will never live freely without your trace, and it'll never be fair. I wrote my songs for you and you never even cared, so I'll forget you. I'll wash your t-shirt and kill the pillow and cut you out of pictures.
- Current Mood: sad
- Current Music:tegan & sara- i know, i know, i know
[i broke up with her
i really believe it was the best decision.
it would have been so easy to let her take me with her.
that waking dreamland we escape to every now and then,
to be for her what she needs me to be.
...i do care,
so much, that i won't do that with her.
so she rips herself to shreds,
to prove that i am worth loving.
tears fall down my cheeks,
she has no idea that i will break her heart.
_when you break someones heart,
you also break your own.
i've got more to learn,
i have to keep growing.
- Current Mood: thoughtful
- Current Music:against me! - this shit rules
yesterday we had our millionth fight in a matter of days.
i choose to walk away,
forget about every promise,
because of everything im scared of.
i told her, "i guess im just no good at relationships."
and hung up.
she called back and yelled,
and asked "Why won't you let yourself be happy?"
It's like ive finally finished this masterpiece painting and it's a beautiful picture of what WE ARE, and who
SHE IS, and everything in between,
but my thought that her and i are invincible fails
as I fucking trip and pieces are everywhere and suddenly its no longer so pretty
and i see things i never saw before
and it scares me
the perfection is gone
and every pretty thought was just a fantasy.
she says all these pretty things
she does all these pretty things
they warm my heart
and im believing in love
believing in every word she says
i love what i have
i love her.
i love my connection with her.
- Current Mood: okay
- Current Music:all around me
over the weekend I watched kids i didn;t know graduate from towson.
[amy. maya. elizabeth.]
i couldn't pull myself to go to herefords graduation...
i felt like it didn't matter that i'd spent 2 and half of my highschool years there,
but im so disconnected from everyone there, whats the point?
i went to the house afterwards and stared at families and girls i'd grown up with,
girls i played in the sandbox with, dressed-up, and fought about taking eachothers stuff with.
i could remember when these girls were 5
and now their turning 18 and they just graduated,
blows me away...it hits home in this incredible way that
makes me get teary eyed and sentimental.
[best wishes and congradulations to amy, and maya]
- Current Mood: indifferent
- Current Music:when it all falls apart
1) if I look at things. write them out on paper. list them. i have so many ways i could go. so many things i could do.
putting into consideration. whats realistic, what's managable, what's easier, what's the outcome, and will this make me happy.
its all this weight thats just been put on my shoulders. and i don't know where to go or what to do.
there always lilttle glitches and catches to all these plans.
and im afraid maybe i won't be able to follow through and keep it together.
im worried and anxious.
2) i just want to be heard.
for the people sitting around me to REALLY hear me.
understand where im coming from. take me in.
thats why i got so frusterated last time
because i didn't know how to get them to understand.
to get them to hear me.
like i was screaming and no one heard me.
that's all i want, to be heard.
i dont' want to be treated like an object.
like im broken.
talked about like im not in the room, right there, looking into their eyes.
i'm a human.
and just like everyone else.
I WANT TO BE HEARD.
3) I don't know what to do. and that really makes me scared.
- Current Mood: scared
- Current Music:counting crows - raining in baltimore
and how tired I was from the past couple of weeks,
From the past couple of years.
Well, it hit me all at once,
On a balcony overlooking nothing,
With snow falling all around,
i keep trying to explain
but no one ever really understands
and some people i just dont even bother trying
docter after doctor
i sit in their office and spill out this sad story
and i try to explain where im at
and why and whats wrong
but they never get it
so they just keep asking questions hoping
to find an answer as to why im so fucked up
but the truth is if they would only listen
and stop telling me i dont know what im talking about
maybe they could hear me say it
they would understand
- Current Mood: aggravated
im making her a mix.
im writing her a note.
im writing her.
tonight i have my drug rehab group.
first time tonight.
i go back to work at 2.
but i'd much rather sit inside this office window
where i ate my lunch and watch the traffic go by.
tell me something...
- Current Mood: mellow
- Current Music:damien rice