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| User: | dear_life______ (3787945) I like to write about myself in this journal
because I hate talking about myself in person. |
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| Name: | whycanticry | |
| Bio: | Life. Oh, such a beautiful yet frustrating phenomenon. There are times when I’m alone and left with nothing to concentrate on but the bare thoughts running deeply through my head. I’m always tempted to grab a book and distract my focus. But mostly, I’d lie in bed, trying to fall asleep just to stop the noise from gaining my attention. It’s times like these that I am acutely aware of all the miseries and sadness truly in me. It’s all lies, my life is one big joke -- the façade I put on, the repressed emotions, the innocence, the cheerfulness…everything. Many times, in this idle state, I wonder if anything ultimately mattered. Does if make any significant difference if I were to end it all, or if this entire humanity were to be wiped out? Everything eventually seems meaningless, and I sometimes don’t feel like putting any sincere effort into actively continuing to engage in this silly biological game of life. However, that quiet moment to myself soon fades away and I begin keeping myself busy as to prevent my true inner thoughts from having the sole focus. My life is spent suppressing my emotions and not letting my inner thoughts gain control and overwhelm me. Though, they always have a way to creep up on me unexpectedly, and I can’t seem to take it anymore. Should I then find something about life that makes it meaningful, so I can be more enthusiastic? Well, one concept I highly value is love and relationships, yet I’m too shy and afraid to go after either. It seems like I suffer from an avoidant personality, and can be painfully timid around people. I usually give off a reserved impression, and don’t allow anyone to get closely attached in my life other than as superficial acquaintances. It’s not that I dislike them; it’s more of my own fears, insecurities, and meek nature. So another idea I value is helping others by alleviating some of the suffering in this world, if not humanity as a whole. Even if it were to be a tiny amount, it's my one true joy of which I am capable of achieving. However, I seem to take this value to an absurd degree and it’s destroying my sanity. All I seem to do is live for others. I volunteer way too much, I do everything to please others, and in the end, I end up downtrodden and emptier. I do a lot and I realize I can’t do everything. I can alleviate the conditions of a few people, but always, the notion of millions more out there who are in need has a way to bring my mood down. The awareness that many others more capable of doing something, but using their advantageous resources to consume waste make it even worse. I want to do everything I can, but it’s never enough, and I realize that I am only one person again. I am one insignificant person who will mostly have no effect on humanity after my existence is done with. Regardless, I still don’t feel that I should simply stop everything now because nothing matters and I found no sincere joys. My last value, which I feel encourages me to continue on, is the ongoing quest for knowledge and understanding. I'm always learning and trying to know more, because that's where my satisfaction comes. No, it might not matter in the end, but I try to find a possibility that it might of meant something, because that possibility is always there. When I begin to read and study this universe with everything in it including myself, I soon discover my moment here is very small…but now, instead of viewing it as a reason to not do anything, I now see it in a new light -- as motivation to continue on and face my life here with an honest pursuit, because I truly do have an intent. There is a lot to know out there, and I know I can only achieve an infinitesimal amount of it, but it gives me something worthwhile and honest to do while I’m alive. When the inevitable happens and my life is taken away, nothing might matter; All the knowledge I strived towards would be stopped and lost, but I came a bit closer to understanding the vast complexities of it all, which is my true desire -- to understand it all. I know I can’t be too sure that an instant death will answer that for me. I am most likely not capable enough to grasp everything, and seeking knowledge doesn't always wipe away all my miseries. So I have one last appeal in life, which is accepting the absurb, random, nonsensical, irrational and chaotic. Embracing certain previously-held-displeasureable events as remarkable and intriguing seems to lighten me up. To realize I don’t have to take everything seriously, and get stressed out if nothing makes sense. I've been taking notice of simple pleasures I enjoy in life, and engaging myself in them before my time is up. The end will always be there, but I'll wait for it to come. It might take away my physical being on earth, but I shouldn't allow it to take away my life while here as well. Umm, yeah, you're right. Those are not good reasons that shows why I should continue existing. So why don't I kill myself? Here's why: Life is preparation for death. I may not be aware of any reason I have to live, but I have a reason that prevents me from ending my life. So everything I stated above aren't exactly what keeps me alive; they mostly act to facilitate my life by keeping me calm and a bit happy in the process of living...since I at least have a reason not to end it all right now, and choose to live life. As you can see, I am very much confused about life. So please be patient with me. I’m very fragile, young and naïve…but I’m still learning, always am. And if you have to be harsh and brutal, I understand and will accept it. I know I can never gain new insight and perspectives without being attacked by severely hurtful criticism every now and then. Miscellaneous Notes on my Eccentric Behaviors: - I don’t trust most people on the Internet and I don’t reveal any personal info in my journal (only personal thoughts). So if you’re looking for info to stalk me on, it’s useless. But that does not prevent you from getting to know me. I feel I am more than my name, my age, my appearances, my school, my location, my daily routine, my family and home life, etc. I write about my inner thoughts, mostly about irrational thoughts that I try to make sense of, vague feelings/emotions with no situations described, and unpredictable moments where I become deluded, obsessive compulsive, absurd, paranoid, and...yeah...depressed. In this journal, I attempt to be myself and honestly express my sincere thoughts and beliefs (however wrong). - I don’t take the Internet/livejournal seriously (or even life for that matter). So I might joke around and seem like I’m mocking you, but I’m not. If you think I’m mean, you’re taking me too seriously. However, if you think I’m perfectly fine with everything, you’re not taking me seriously enough. I can have a morbid and immature sense of humor at times, and can find meaning/laughter in things most people see as disturbing, childish or cruel. If you get offended by something I say or encourage, feel free to call me a 'loser with no life' to get your satisfactory online revenge (hah, see how pathetic that sounds. Just don’t take the Internet seriously). I also think it’s wasteful to get angry in person as well. - Just because I say I don't take anything seriously doesn't mean I don't respect other people. I think it's when people take things too seriously, that they begin to put up fronts in an attempt to give a good impression to others. This, I believe, prevents me from truly getting to know anyone. We'd be too bothered worrying what the other thinks, if the other isn't offended with anything we're saying, or if you're presenting yourself as a complete idiot. So taking life lightly allows me to relax and honestly be myself w/o, not pretending to be someone I'm not in an attempt to appear likable just because I view life as some serious competition of popularity. - If you put your thoughts/opinions down in a public area open to others, I feel it is up for discussion and disagreement. I never acknowledged how people will add “well this is just my opinion.” I always wonder, 'why share you’re opinions in an open place when you don’t even want others to try and understand you?' - I usually have a pleasant and personable nature (to even the cruelest of people), though I can sometimes act in an agressive manner as well. I can seem a bit aggressive at times, and defend sides that I don’t hold. When I don’t fully understand your opinions, I might aggressively question you. I’m not necessarily doing it because I want to be mean and think you’re opinions are B.S. I simply think it’s more insightful for me to argue for sides that I sometimes don’t agree with or am uncertain of, so I am able to see your responses. I believe doing that will make me get a better understanding of your views and possibly strengthen your argument for me to agree with; if not, I’ll gain some new perspectives. I try to understand the people I meet and their beliefs, and am eager to learn new views that I can’t comprehend. - I might suddenly throw my random and non sequitur thoughts at you. This tendency to bring in irrelevance might be my embracement of the nonsensical. I can get uneasy when people take things too seriously, and would act unpredictably to confuse people so they are reminded that not everything can be staightened out. Don't try to analyze everything I say, thinking you would find a deeper meaning. I'm not trying to mess with you because I dislike you; I do this to everyone, and hope they know not to get frustrated for no real reason. I mean, it's silly to get angry, especially over the internet where people have a higher tendency to mess with you; it's like arguing with a programmed computer! You can't win, if you seriously feel you did, you only look foolish claiming defeat over something/someone that doesn't even care and is only bored. - I sometimes allow others to run over me with their verbal attacks when I'm trying to explain to them something, possibly in an attempt to give them a sense of control. I pretend I don't care, but deeply, it hurts. Then I laugh at myself for caring about my emotions. - But I do seem to have a compulsive need to be criticized. I only do it online though. I sometimes put the ugliest self of me on the spot for people to judge and attack me on. It's a learning experience for me to face other people's brutal honesty (or just plain brutality for the sake of making me feel bad). I believe doing so would turn me into a better person who is more able to see my flaws, or simply able to deal with random negativity (because this is not a nice world). Hopefully, I would become desensitize from all the attacks, and can behave in a more calm and collected manner when I get into arguments in person. - I engage in many activity that might indicate delusion of grandeur, leading me to believe I am some sort of martyr suffering for other people's well-being. If at least one person became better because of me, I'm satisfied. I know they will accomplish more than I will ever try, and they are possibly the person I've always wanted to be. If I can't succeed in my own life, I might as well help others attain perfection. No one probably cares though, and the reason I behave in such a manner is to create a deluded sense of self-worth and importance that I feel I don't truly have or am able to achieve. - I can seem superficial, trivial and vain at times, and...well...maybe because I am. But I don't let it cloud my perception. - I don't follow any particular belief system. But I do believe I am a biological organism in this universe, and willingly enjoy my time playing with that. My opinions/beliefs presented here are transient and will most likely change in a year. I haven’t been able to hold onto anything for longer than that. formerly ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} whycanticryAbout the journal, me and you I add random people that interest me; addbacks are welcomed though not necessary. I also comment on random journals when I'm bored; usually because I see you post in communities or friend's entries. That's all, I probably don't know you. Now about you: Anyone's welcomed to add me and comment on my journal. I might not add you back immediately, but I check new journals listed on my friends of list every now and then, and will usually add you back. I also remove people every now and then. Not because I dislike you, but because I have alot of people on my list and want to keep it small to the people I've gotten to know more. Most of my post are public anyway; you're not missing much other than my boring personal life (zzzz...), moments when I sink into depression and desperation (stop complaining! you have no real reason to), and what I look like (but you can get a hint from my icons and the photos above). LJ addition/deletion track If you read all of this, either you find me extremely fascinating or you have too much wasteful time (but probably not as much as me), or both! I quite nice, I really am! | |
| Memories:: | 44 entries | |
| Interests: | 27: absurdism, aesthetics, becoming a better person, consciousness, dadaism, defending every side, discordianism, existence, gaining a different perspective, life, listening to others, nonsensicalness, philosophy, physics, science, simple pleasures, slight moments of optimism, strange musings, sudden realizations, surrealism, the ability to appreciate, the nature of existence, the nature of reality, waiting for whatever comes, wanting to understand everything, you for reading this, your happiness | |
| Schools: | None listed | |
| Friends: | ||
| Mutual Friends: | 64: 1913_massacre, _nietzsche_, arriya, au_contraire___, baileyflower, builtthenburn, catachrestic, chilledglove, comablink, daegwyrd, dagidham, dear_life______, desmonic, djcyco, elusive_fish, fangsanalsatan, generaleclectic, hohum, incognito84, infamousfink86, isea, iseeyoudancing, j03j03, kamunduhan, kikamer, killinyousoftly, lao_tzu, leiju, lizbeth_r9, loopylou, made_of_clay, makenoise, metastructur, midnightbright, misanthropette, nanikore, nix_nevermind, nosa, omni_anti, one_realthing, oodroidoo, ordoesitexplode, patzpatz, peramble, ravingcommie, sabastion_hides, saltjam, secretsquirrel2, srattus, starxplosion, talesofophelia, tarang, tear_stains, tebing, the_s3ntinel, theredsweater, thoughtnwonder, tiresias2, un_nouveau_jour, urbanpicnic, viledbeauty, vincentgiovanni, whycanticry, youngthales | |
| Also Friend of: | 40: 78four569six46, _____knifefight, __apodyopsis, __winterinparis, _nachtlich, akisstooquick, amrjn1, apoorexcuse, becauseilive, bofwa, crestfallen_xvi, d0ppelganger, dimpet, edaf, ediblehuman, endxgame, h8_2_d8, harmonize, hushed_hun, i_will_eat_you, ilikeyourface, justinpfister, kywhippets, maezy, mmailliw, mudwater, noobhat, paradoxology, plutima, potsy, reticentdream, sideshowanimal, sporatica, starvin2live_89, suicideromance, sweetgymnast72, thelala, wickedquill, x__infinity, xtraryce | |
| Member of: | 91: 2hot4philosophy, _fake_ljers, _free_thinkers_, _psychmedfree_, _sacred_chao_, _scientists_, _wtf, abstractthought, absurdgibberish, academics_anon, algorithms, allpaths, alluring_asian, alt_asian, aphorismia, asian_american, asian_beauty, asiancuties, ask_a_nurse, astronomy, avoidants, baneofexistence, bayesnets, beautie_tips, beauty101, biochemistry, biology, challenging_god, college_help, computerhelp, conspiracy101, convert_me, cosmology, dadarevolt, depression, developers, discord_society, discordianism, dp_dr, endcreationism, engrish, ethics_forum, existentialists, fake_lj_deaths, faux_philosophy, fogged_vision, foxyasians, got_physics, halls_of_psyche, internetcourt, introverts, java_dev, laneing, learnphilosophy, lifeoutside, literaryquotes, ljers4eternity, mad_scientist, mathematics, mentalmoments, metadebate, microbiology, mulholland__dr, neuroscience, nurse_students, phil_of_mind, phil_of_science, philo_debate, philo_majors, philoso_flakes, philosophy, physics, pro_ana, psychology, real_history, real_philosophy, refinement, runway_daily, sadintellectual, scientificwhims, shy_ness, skepticaldebate, societysucks, student_nurses, sublimethinking, thailand, the_anti_azn, thoughtclub, wordoftheday, worldpolitics, wtf_inc | |
| Account type: | Basic Account | |
