| Yep...too shy |
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| 02:51pm 28/08/2007 |
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music: Shy that way - Prettyman & Mraz (I learned how to play a bit of it on guitar!)
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If there are things that I hate about myself, it's that I don't take initiative, I feel inadequate most of the time, and I'm overly shy.
What am I going to do with my life? It's coming sooner than I thought. I don't have anyone to depend on, literally.
Sorry to start back with a somber post. I don't know, I just feel the need to post when I'm stressed and frustrated with myself. But, the good news is the time between my last post and now has been filled with joyful and thought-provoking(if depressing) preoccupations.
So back to the bad.
Why am I soo shy? I don't know. I know it's my fault because people do go up and talk to me and try to get to know me better, but I just don't know what to say at times. I act all shy and awkward in social situations, and it makes it a bit worse that some people think it's "cute" because that kind of unconsciously reinforces my 'ditzy-like' behavior. At least they don't hate me, right? ...they just think I'm weird? That's ok, I guess.
Several scenarios have occurred in these past few months to make me want to change.
Scenario 1:
A dinner with a few classmates. Everyone was going up to people and talking, and I was just sitting there staring at people talk for the whole time. One girl decided to come up to me and began by asking me a question. I smiled and responded with "I don't know." The conversation died there.
I was reminded of why I have avoided every social invitation. I'm just too predictable and boring.
Scenario 2:
There's a professor I'm working with. I basically just have to come to the lab and watch the grad students do their stuff. How hard is that for a normal person to do??? Well, not simple for me. I walked into the laboratory. The grad students were all doing their work, then looked up at me and politely asked "Do you need something." I said "no" and quickly walked away to the computer lab to post in my lj as I am doing now.
Scenario 3:
Yeah, I can think of hundreds of them....
I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I seriously thought I would change by the time I grew up, but I haven't.
It didn't bother me at first, but I'm starting to realize how it's effecting my life and career goals. The incident with scenario 2, there's more to it. That was actually the reason I came to post instead of being in lab where I should probably be. I started working in that research group last semester. I came in a few times, but near the end, I was overwhelmed by soo much that I didn't have time to come in at all. No one in the group knows what happened (which something did happen, but I want to keep it private).
So now it's the next semester, and I come to the meeting the first day. The professor looks frustrated with me or something? It's probably in my head, I don't know. He may have just been stressed out with his research. I need to stop being so self-conscious. But it's still making me more fearful to come in to lab. Like he'll think "Oh, you finally decided to come in and do work now, huh?"
I could tell him about what happened to me last semester, but he might brush it off and say "Oh please, everyone has to go through something hurtful and depressing in their lives, and they make it." Which is really foolish of me to think because he's a really nice and laid back professor. He did give me credit for the course (for the few times I did show up).
I don't know, I just hate disappointing people.
There's one girl in my class who I think is realizing it though. She's nice to me and seems to understand and interact with me appropriately. She talks to me, but not in a way to start a casual/superficial conversation or befriend me. Which is good because I won't know how to continue it. But when she came to me saying someone was looking for me to do something, I think I had one of my "Oh no, I disappointed someone" look, because she said, "Don't worry about it though, it's no big deal." Which made me feel a bit better.
But not everyone is like her, and I know people aren't always going to reassure me. I just have to learn that when someone looks mad/frustrated, or gets angry with me, it might be that there is something going on in their life that has no relation to me.
A few years ago, a student was talking about how a professor got mad when a student fell asleep in his class. The professor in the class(another one) then replied that when a student fell asleep in her class, she assumed he didn't get enough sleep, not that her lectures were boring. She tries not to take everything so personally...and I sincerely want to think that way. |
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| 06:43pm 26/02/2007 |
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I still exist. Don't know what I want to do with my life though.
Will update soon, reply to some of your comments, and add some people back.
Hope everyone's doing fine.
Bye. :) |
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| scattered thoughts |
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| 06:12pm 01/09/2006 |
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Ok, so I put this LJ thing off for a while to live my life.
Went to check my old email. Forgot my password to log onto my old email (that's why I couldn't reply. Please don't be mad, some of you). Suddenly remembered it, and read an email that made me come back here to add someone to my f-list. Forgot how to use LJ. Man it changed so much the time I was gone.
I want to get back to writing some more here.
I deleted some people from my list because it was too many people to read. Bascially, I went down the list, and I deleted anyone's name who I don't remember much about them. Considering I've been gone a while, you're either still on because I remember something about you after all this time, or I accidently skipped past your name while going down the list, so you're left on.
So what's been going on in my life...
Major, major changes.
I might write more.
Still not happy, but I'm finally content with myself. |
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| 11:44am 10/04/2006 |
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Man, it's been awhile. I'm still here and will update soon. I'm surprisingly quite content with my life even though most things are still screwed up. I don't know why. Nothing's changed in my life. I guess I've finally realized, and believe, that it's not really events in my life that defines me, but how I react to and deal with them. More later. |
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| 03:31pm 24/01/2006 |
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It's been awfully quiet here. I haven't been reading any of your LJs, so I don't mind if you have decided to remove me.
But I haven't abandoned LJ completely; may just use it ocassionally though. |
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| What celebrity do you look like? |
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| 03:17pm 21/12/2005 |
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Taken from here,
What celebrity do you look like?
My 1st try:
73% Liv Taylor
72% Isabella Rossellini
72% Greta Garbo
72% Kareena Kapoor
70% Aishwariya Rai Oooo, I wish! She's so beautiful:
69% Shania Twain
69% Becky Griffin
69% Kate Winslet
69% Leonardo DiCaprio HAahaha, WTF????
68% Celine Dion
2nd try with another picture:
71% Kareena Kapoor
66% Kate Winslet
65% Lindsey Lohan
65% Liv Taylor
62% Shania Twain
61% Julie Christie
61% Anwar Sadat (Ok, this deserves a more WTF??):
60% Katerine Hepburn
60% Oliver Hardy
60% Sebastian Leob
Ok, this is getting addicting but last try with another pic:
68% Mariah Carey
62% Natalie Wood
53% Christina Ricci
52% Dan Aykroyd
52% Bipasha Basu
51% Aishwarya Rai
51% Mia Farrow
50% Ninet Tiyeb
49% Greta Garbo
49% Bette Davis
Hmmm, I wonder who they have in their database..because I'm not getting anyone close to my ethnicity, except maybe several Bollywood actresses(which is South Asian, at least).
Ok, so I tried a few Southeast Asian actresses like Woranuch 'Noon' Wongsawan and Janie Tienphosuwan, and many of them got some mathces for both Indian and East Asian(Chinese/Korean/Japanese) actresses. Which kind of works out...since SE Asians are sometimes refered to as Indochinese. heh.
I spend too much time pondering and doing useless stuff. |
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| We're not that different from each other. |
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| 04:27pm 15/12/2005 |
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Everytime I come to write in here, I get overwhelmed.
It seems one moment, I'm carelessly living my life; busy with school, planning for the future, and engaged in several 'courteous' conversations with casual acquaintacnes throughout it all. Then suddenly the ease in which I see life comes to end when I sit alone contemplating my bare thoughts and what I have worth to share. It doesn't mean anything in the end. It doesn't mean anything for me, besides the minimal satisfaction I derive from other people's temporary alleviation of pain.
Well, I know my entire future is based on other people...but that's because I enjoy seeing other people feel better. And it is a bit ironic that although I love constantly being around people and helping them, I loathe having any close relationships...friendships. My family is mostly all I have, and I plan to help them out with any money I earn so they don't have to worry or work so much either.
But I realize its my selfishness that does all this; I selfishly believe that I am more apt at dealing with pain and burden than others. And I do believe that, selfishly. I'm selfish. Did I get this in enough? I'm selfish, just like everyone else (but maybe in a less blatant manner).
Anyway, I've never really stopped to think about how others are potentially worried about any miseries I'm facing. But I know most of them aren't..because I rarely express them! :) So it's all good. But I do know I'm neglecting myself to an absurd degree, and I have resolved to make some changes such as eating more, and exercizing (because you can't help others if you're not physically fit). And I'm trying to read more because I need to be mentally well; I don't want my mind deteriorating early. But when I think about my emotional needs...I don't have any security.
....Blah, no wonder I don't write in here as much. It's all the same monotonous thoughts.
What I really wanted to say is that I don't think any of us are that different from each other when we strip away our facade.
One: I get a bit uneasy when people compliment me on how I'm so nice and selfless, but I'm truely not, as shown above. (Although, I guess my selfishness might be considered more admirable in that in helps other people besides myself? I don't know.)
Two: When people around me say I'm modest because I'm quiet, reserved and keep to myself...well, I have an LJ! Where I write out my deep thoughts to mostly strangers. So it does seem like I do crave some attention, just like many of us (although I really don't want the attention to be associated with me in person, but rather the thoughts I have).
Three: I'm also afraid of being lonely, and not being liked. I use to think it was solely me because I especially had a difficult time interacting with people in a non superficial way, but I think alot of us feel similarly.
I guess I can summarize all this up by saying, we just want someone to notice and appreciate us. |
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| Huh, funny how life is... |
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| 09:44am 10/11/2005 |
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I'm still here, and this doesn't make sense.
Why do I get yelled at for something I did in a dream? And I'm passively accepting everything senseless thrown at me. But I've realized something significant. Well, my dad is not mentally stable...and this person raised me. So that's the type of occurences that I experience: I get yelled at for something I did in his dream. When I was younger I would have agrued back at how irrational he is...but now that I realize there is no way to win an argument with someone who doesn't have the same reasoning as you, I've learned to accept it, and laugh at how silly it all is.
I'm actually thankful for him, because it has taught me ALOT of patience and understanding, especially in people who seem disturbed. It sometimes feels like many people who sound irrational and delusional seem to have alot of interesting insight to bring, they just don't know how to express it coherently.
On another note, in my philosophy class, we had a discussion about the age in which people realize that they are a seperate entity in the world. Developmentally, I thought it began at 3-4, when children begin to recognize and distinguish themselves in mirrors and photographs.
I didn't really say anything though, because I don't like talking in class. I just waited for someone else to bring it up, and someone did. But then people were wondering if children that young actually recognize themselves as a seperate person from everything else in the universe, or are they just acting according to what they're taught.
It was weird, because I was thinking...all you have to do is think back to when you were that age and recall how you viewed yourself. I mean, we've all been 4 or 5 before!
Then it suddenly hit me...I must have a boring life (according to outside percievers).
If I can remember the thoughts I had as a young child, and I am able to percieve the perception of myself and the universe at that age...then it possibly means there's not much going on in my life to take over those memories (either that, or I have a good vivid memory).
NO, actually, I think it's because I spend too much time consumed in my own mind. I would replay events and thoughts I believed over and over again, and they would eventually be ingrained in my mind.
again, and again, I'm trying to fit in, and be normal, but I realized my efforts are futile.
So I'm eating more...but I think I'll extend my absense to mid December because finals are after the end of Nov. "There is more to life than academia" someone told me this when I refused to do anything until I finished reading. So I will use LJ every now and then during my period of absense, which makes it not really an absense. Hmm, yes, LJ is what's beyond academia. |
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| 10:38am 10/10/2005 |
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If you're wondering where I am, I plan not to use LJ until I get accepted back into a 4 year university, and gain 10 pounds. So the time that I otherwise spend on LJ, will be spent eating or doing school work.
My desired date is hopefully by the end of November, which I will then be back no longer thin, and no longer in a Community college. |
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| Sometimes words begin to drain themselves out of my mind, and I wonder if I'm about to lose it, |
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| 06:04pm 06/09/2005 |
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...my self-identity
I haven't been around much; busy with the new school year. Readings, exams, assignments, applications...it's consuming so much of my existence. I felt I needed a little break from it all to reflect on my thoughts here, for the very IMPORTANT reason that I don't want my current self to vanish out of my memory(I'll get to that point in this entry). Oh, and guess what, I am now 20. I'm getting old, though I still feel young, very young.
So I'm a worrier. I constantly worry about things in the distant future. I've been doing this all my life.
I also have a fairly good memory and reminisce often.
These two facts led to something that has been of interest to me lately. I've been thinking about my past self and the thoughts that have been going through my mind back then. When I was in grade school, I remember wondering what kind of person I would be when I was older. It's a vivid memory I have and I can imagine my little self sitting there thinking about my (then) nonexistant older self. It's eeire in a way. I recall that I often tried to plan for things in the distant future. I would also try to remember things in my mind that I didn't want my older self to forget about(one really disturbing thought I had was that I needed to kill myself when I turned 40, which I no longer hold though can't seem to erase from my memory because I've imprinted it in so hard). But it's not really the thoughts I had that seemed strange, it's the thoughts I had that seem to communicate a message to me today.
It's strange thinking about that, that I held in my memory messages that I wanted my older self to know. But the main thing I wanted to say is that, when I reminisce on my past self, I don't recognize that person as me. Not in a way that I've grown and changed, but that she is a completely different person from me, as I am from you. An abstract existence whose consciousness seems to collide with mine somehow. She (now?) only exist in memory, and never was a physical being. That's what it feels like.
But maybe it's the fact that I go through radical(and I mean DRAMATIC) inner personality changes abruptly and constantly. To the point where I think and percieve things in a whole new perspective with new beliefs.
Regardless, what causes fear in me now is that I still think about my future, when I'm 30 or 40. I think about what kind of person I'm going to end up like, and what I wish my life to be like. And when I think ahead to when I'm 40, thinking back on myself, I wonder if I'll recognize myself today (my soon-to-be, past self).
I know I don't exactly recognize myself when I was 8. However, even though it 'feels' like my memory of the 8-year-old me wasn't really me, I logically believe that it was. But I fear that I will not be able to logically conclude that when I'm older. My mind will deteriorate. And I fear that I will have no clear memory of me, no conception of me. I will disappear and my worst regrettable wish will unfortunately come true (because I know, in the past, I've said that I wish I could disappear forever out of existence, but I sincerely don't want that to happen now!).
I don't understand myself sometimes, and I worry if anyone understands me. I've always had a fear of going 'insane,' being mentally 'not there.' The fact that words now seem to drain from me scares me. I truthfully haven't been updating my LJ, not because I'm busy, but because I don't know what to write.
Well, getting back, there's many things I've written, and I never throw anything away in hopes that I will come back and read them. If my memory fails me later on, I hope that my writing will bring some of it back. I don't want my memories -- my identity -- fading away from me. And yes, I do cherish the horrible ones as well. I really appreciate any memory I have because I don't want to forget any of my experiences, I don't want to forget myself.
(side note: do you ever think about writing a letter to yourself in the future? Or maybe even a letter fully explaining who you are and that this was written incase your memory of self begins to disintegrate. So if you were to have some brain damage that alters/erases your memory and idea of your past self. It's really eeire imagining your future self reading it, and not recognizing the person who wrote it. That's how I feel thinking back with my memories of me as a child. But I do believe it's me because it's in my mind, my memories(why do I trust my memory anyway?). But will I trust a piece of paper? Maybe I'll think it's some kind of joke. Or get a tattoo like that guy in Memento, heh.)
EDIT: http://www.futureme.org/ <--related site I found. Try it! |
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| :-/ |
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| 10:29pm 23/08/2005 |
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Wow, a bit similar to the Rachelle Waterman case, another LJ user murders her mother. The news gets around the lj communities. Then people screen cap her journals for access after it gets deleted. People take the pics from her journal and pretend to be her, as well as creating disturbing photoshops from it.
Sick. It's occurences like these that always makes me fearful to post (clear) pictures of myself online, or my name. I don't think I'll ever be well known, whether for good or bad, so I don't worry too much. But still, I don't want anyone around me to trace me to this journal.
Also, from the news article "Breit reported that Tseng often wrote about her feelings on a Web site. One posting said, "I've had a huge problem with reality lately." She also wrote about problems with her parents and being an angry person."
Don't most LJ users' entries consist of that? I don't even know why that's worth stating. It's the same thing they did with the other girl's journal and the LJ of the boy who commited the school shooting. Makes people who are unfamiliar with blogs create these false speculations in people who use them to write these typical whiny rants, which is what people usually do in a journal.
So her journals were deleted today, but this is a copy of one of her LJ entries.
hhmm, she was punished for getting a B? and one of them was an even AP class so wouldn't that really become an A point-wise? Reminds me of this essay.
Sad. and I feel the most sympathy towards the dad/husband who suffered both loses. |
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| Lateral-thinking: trying harder in the same direction may not be as useful as changing directions |
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| 01:45pm 23/08/2005 |
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These puzzles are really frustrating to figure out.
There was something I wanted to say about those puzzles. It was number 4 from the first link, which provoked some digressing thoughts in me.
A man is lying dead in a field. Next to him there is an unopened package. There is no other creature in the field. How did he die?
Solution: The man had jumped from a plane but his parachute had failed to open. It is the unopened package.
This is sometimes given with the following rather elegant clue - as he approached the centre of the field he knew he was going to die. This is another of the top classics which is right up there with 'The Man in the Bar'. If the solver is thinking along the wrong lines (i.e. in the two dimensions of the ground) then the lateral jump to the third dimension can be tough to make.
I was thinking about, how sometimes, one can put so much sincere effort into accomplishing something, but never get it right because they were doing it/thinking along the wrong lines.
It's times like these where you wonder how everything could have gotten so wrong when it was never even right to begin with.
Oh also, get http://www.stumbleupon.com! |
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| This is a sad downward spiral.... |
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| 04:21pm 09/08/2005 |
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You could also see the downward progression in her facial expression from full smile to..I don't know. But it makes me really sad to look at. I know she choose to do hard drugs herself, but I can't help but feel sadden that someone could've prevented her from continuing on in this path..
I guess you can look at the last couple of pictures and claim this women has no future, and give up on trying to help her. But looking at the first couple ones, you just want to tell her that she sill has some hope.
Well, a few weeks ago, I was walking to a bus stop several blocks away from my school. There was this guy riding a bike towards me. I recognize him and his disfigured eye. I mean, I wrote a post about him. Writing about people is usually a good way to capture them into your memories.
As he comes closer, he stops his bike and asks me "Are you afraid of Black people?"
I replied no and he proceeds to ask me for money.
I don't think he remembers me, but I remember him.
He says he needs to get money to pay for his surgery.
He lifts up his shirt and it was really...sick. There was a cut and it was flabby. It was held together by some cheap towel, covered in blood. I wasn't disgusted, since I'm use to seeing such images (plans to work in a hospital). But I guess to the general person, his stomach could be described as disgusting..or I can't really discribe it, but he defintely needed medical attention.
He asked for $20 but I only gave him $2 because I didn't have anything. And I needed the rest for my bus ride home.
He thanked me and rode off.
Then I quickly walked away.
I really don't know the significance of this occurence, but it seemed significant enough for me to record.
I have an Astronomy test tommorow and I need 23% on my final to get an A in the class. [EDIT: Actually, I calculated my grade and already have an A (won Extra Credit points).] So I'm not going to study that much today because I'm so tired from writing a crappy 10 page paper(on evolution) in 2 days. But I will study the rest of Astronomy that we didn't get to in class on my own because I am just that interested to learn.
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( And I'm a robot! ) |
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| From my astronomy book |
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| 09:54am 06/08/2005 |
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“Legend tells of a race of remarkable insects, the Ephermera, who inhabited a great forest. These noble creatures were blessed with great intelligence but were cursed with tragically short life spans. To the Ephermera, the forest seemed eternal and unchanging. Members of each generation lived out their brief lives without ever noticing changes in their leafy world. Nevertheless, careful observations and reasoning led some Ephermera to postulate that the forest was not static. They began to suspect that small green shoots grew to become huge trees and that mature trees eventually died, toppled over, and littered the forest with rotting logs, enriching the soil for future trees. Although unable to witness the transformation personally, the Ephermera predicted the existence of life processes stretching over the mind-boggling periods of many years.”
Do you ever wonder how drastically different it really is? We’re alive for a short slice of time and being able to perceive a selective amount of space. Like those short-lived insects, alive for a few days to never see the progression of tree growth, surrounded by the vast green leafy environment….and that is all they know of existence.
It makes me feel truly unknowledgeable and lost as well as peaks my curiosity and interest about my existence.
Oh, and I found this on ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) j03j03's userinfo and liked it:
"Because the speed of light is finite, you can see only a limited slice of the universe. Your position in spacetime is unique, so your slice is slightly different from everyone else's. Although there is no external observer who has access to all the information out there, we can still construct a meaningful portrait of the universe based on the partial information we each receive. It's a beautiful thought: we each have our own universe. But there's a lot of overlap."
http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?articleID=0007E95C-9597-1DC9-AF71809EC588EEDF&catID=2
I'm so depressed right now.
and Masuimi Max(NSFW) looks so fucking gorgeous in her photographs. She also has such the captivating confident attitude that I want:
"WORDS TO NEVER USE WHILE TALKING TO ME:
assume (you shouldn't assume anything with me)
I think you should (I don't listen)
what did you think you would get out of.. (none of your goddamn buisness!)"
Oh, um yeah. and I also wished I looked like her. But her confidence is so alluring to me.
I wish you were happy; I sincerely do. |
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| Huge picure |
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| 03:57pm 05/08/2005 |
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( Creationism vs. Evolution(huge picture) )
Hmm, I think I fall between theistic evolution and materialistic evolution. I accept evolution, but also have a slight belief in God or something, I don't know. I don't know if it's even worth stating that I believe in something like God because it doesn't really influence anything about me and how I live.
and look it this: Latest picutes to be posted on LJ (potential NSFW)
Edit: Yay! I saw the picture I posted above on that site! ...but for a second, then I refreshed it and it was gone. Wow, so many people are posting pictures every second. |
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| Illusions |
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| 04:53pm 26/07/2005 |
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Well, what about that? A whole entry gone in seconds. Maybe it was better never being said.
Anyways, look at this illusion:
Stare at the + for several seconds and all the pink circles will disappear, leaving a green circle going around the +
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| Discovering my purpose and the world around me. |
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| 05:42pm 14/07/2005 |
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I seem to spend more time reading my f-list, or updating my user info than updating my journal. And I copied my user info onto word and it's 4 pages single spaced. I don't know if anyone even reads it all. But I keep on adding stuff to it. I'm trying to make my bio explain what it's intended to, my life. I also want it to be an accurate description of me, which is impossible to do in a few paragraphs. Everytime I read over it, I find I left out stuff. It never explains me fully, so I will keep adding and adding until...um, until I stop.
Anyways, new discovery in astronomy: A planet orbiting 3 stars!
And new self-discovery: Findings on my depressed mood!
So I seem dispositioned towards depression, and I feel it's because I try to push beliefs into me (ever since childhood) that I don't truly believe..only leading me to the despair of trying to hold onto false hopes. I do think there are people who could believe in God or have some kind of religion to follow, and be happy. But I realize I am making the mistake of assuming what works for them must work for me as well.
I'm not really the type of person who wants to advocate anything. So I want to stress that this is an explanation of my past beliefs, and what I currently believe and live by. My beliefs might not work for you, but it does make me less depressed about life.
Well, my parents never communicated their belief system to me, so I was never inclined (or indoctrinated) to follow any path. But kids are very questioning about life and the world. So it might rather be unfortunate that I didn't have anybody to tell me everything will be alright. All my questions about why I am alive and what it all means was up to me to figure out, going by what I observed. And what I subjectively saw and interpreted around me was people living mindlessly without a care as to what it all meant, and what it all meant was nothing. So since I was about 4 or 5 years old, I use to believe I was nothing more than an organism with no special purpose to look forward to after it all ends. Even robot-like, and put into this universe for no higher purpose than to engage in a meaningless game of life until my death. I was unaffected by that concept.
I guess there are others who are religious around me, trying to push their beliefs onto me. It seems to be what caused many of my depressed feelings. I sincerely don't believe in that, and have already set my beliefs on life that time. But I'm young and willing follow what other people preach to me. Though trying to believe in something that you can't only makes you feel hopeless. So that's what I felt, misery. There was nothing in any religion for me to be happy about, because I don't think any of that is true.
Now currently, I don't care about trying to have faith in any religion, and I feel more satisfied. I don't have to worry about why I can't belive, or how I might be hopelessly doomed to hell.
I don't exactly still believe the things I did when I was 5 either (about humans being programed automated robots), but I still feel life is meaningless. That belief does not make me depressed though, it actually never did. I'm starting to feel that it was the fact that I tried to believe in something higher for me(like an afterlife), just because many others happily did. But all it did was cause me to fall into desperation trying to believe, when I honestly didn't. I realize I'm more satisfied knowing my life leads to nothing. I mean, eternal life scares me. That my 'soul' would live forever. Now that seems even more meaningless, and even hopeless, than a life that will eventually end.
So I just realized this as I was reading some book reviews. Someone recommended me this book, The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins (you know who you are, Thank you!). I was in the middle of reading many other books, which I don't feel like I'll ever finish. But I started reading this book, and breezed throught the the first couple of chapters the day I brought it home loving it. Then I went to read the amazon.com reviews. There were mostly good ratings, but several of them mentioned they enjoyed this book but got depressed reading it. Which is odd because the opposite happened to me, it really brightened up my mood and interest in life, my curiousity to understand who I am. I guess if you come from a strict religious background, this book might challenge many of your deeply-held beliefs and could make you depressed. But it made me more content with life and eager to continue on to see what scientific discoveries await us in understanding the fasinating world we live in.
Discovering the world around me, and my place on it through science is truly the thing that has made me feel excited and hopeful about living. I understand it might make others feel meaningless, but they have their own ways to cope with life. There's some people who would tell me, "so you think this is it? That our lives are ultimately meaningless?"
Well, yes I do. But I don't look at is a something to be miserable and agonize over. If we lived forever, would that take any of the meaningless away? People often question their purpose in life, and seem to turn towards a higher system (religion, social movements, etc) that the feel can bring their lives meaning; But couldn't you continue to take that bigger system, and bring it down to the same questioning you do for yourselves? This only leads to an on-going chain of meaninglessness.
My way of dealing with it is to accept that life might be meaningless. There is nothing to look forward to after death. Roaches don't seem to question why they are here. They continue to live, looking for food w/o a care as to if it even matters in the end. But looking at them, we can conclude that their lives are meaningless. And we can also look at our own lives and conclude the same thing. So that's really beautiful, that we are capabe of understanding our limitations as an organism in this world. It really shoudn't upset us. Would we rather live like a roach going on in life, not ever knowing their life is ultimately meaningless because they don't possess the ability to question and go beyound their immediate thoughts? I wouldn't want to live that life.
This is what I believe for now, and has kept me content with my life for some time. It's not everyone's thing, and I understand. |
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| That's all I want |
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| 09:04am 13/06/2005 |
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I finally have my mediocre face as the icon -- though, looking down and dimly lit. Plain and boing, yeah, but I do like my hair in this photo, which you can't see because it's dark. So I’m pretty sure I’ll take this icon off once my paranoia sets in.
Well, I want to get back to writing out my thoughts in this journal but I can’t seem to find a way to say these things that have plagued my mind recently. To start things off, I’m not very satisfied with the way my life is going, yet somehow there is a guilt that is in me; it tells me I should appreciate everything I do have because others have it worse.
But is that how everything is supposed to work out? I end up silently depressed. The only self-absorbed joy I get is waiting to lie in bed at night and live out desired dreams in my mind, hoping they would come true one day. Even then, it’s only fleeting, fading away the moment I fall asleep.
It’s really easy to go on in life not caring. It’s easy to have someone insult me for pathetic reasons, and realize it’s not worth it to argue back because their minds can’t grasp how useless it is. It’s easy to go volunteer at a hospital every week and work everyday, then come home knowing I have some worth in society. It’s easy to go to school and get good grades, and verify how disciplined and capable I am. It's easy, for me it’s all easy.
And, people would occasionally acknowledge some of my behavior that they feel is admirable, which always brings a sense of validation and a boost of self-esteem…yet I feel I don’t deserve the praise (however, I’ll take all the compliments I can get; they’re the only things that make me feel special). But I am naturally disciplined, observant, analytical, calm, empathetic, kind, weak, whatever. It doesn’t take much for me to achieve these things. Now the confidence that so many others have is the challenge for me. To go out there and own the world. To make quick decisions without thinking everything over. To believe you will be liked by others and not worry about anything. Etc. Now this…it’s hard for me.
To see myself as important in my own eyes, that’s difficult. It seems like I constantly need reassurance and acceptance from outside sources to show I am important. It’s beginning to become a burden on my mental, emotional and physical health. I never really stopped to think about what I selfishly want, and now that I do, I realize it’s quite plain and simple. I want to be truly happy and sincerely in love.
Now finding what makes me happy and who to love me, and attaining it…eek! |
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| Math and love..or, math is love. |
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| 12:10am 04/06/2005 |
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2+2=5 ?
Quick Proof using simple math:
-20=-20
16-36 = 25-45
16-36 +(81/4) = 25-45 +(81/4)
(4-(9/2))^2 = (5-(9/2))^2
sqr[(4-(9/2))^2] = sqr[(5-(9/2))^2]
4-(9/2) = 5-(9/2)
4-(9/2) +(9/2) = 5-(9/2) +(9/2)
4=5
2+2=5
Again with explanations:
-20 = -20 (I think this is easily agreed upon)
16-36 = 25-45 (both equal -20)
16-36 +(81/4) = 25-45 +(81/4) (add 81/4 to both sides)
(4-(9/2))^2 = (5-(9/2))^2 (factor out both sides)
sqr[(4-(9/2))^2] = sqr[(5-(9/2))^2] (square root both sides)
4-(9/2) = 5-(9/2) (square is removed)
4-(9/2) +(9/2) = 5-(9/2) +(9/2) (add 9/2 to both sides)
4=5 (replace 4 with 2+2 since 2+2=4)
2+2=5 (?)
Can someone find where it went wrong? ..if something did go wrong. I'm sure something is wrong, but I can't seem to find it. Or is it a valid proof?
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Anyways, I think love is one of the highest feelings to experience. I've had that on my mind lately and I've been wanting to capture it down, but I'm always left blank on what to write when I actually begin to record my thoughts.
I usually hear people (of both gender) talk about how they want someone who is smart, funny, nice and good looking. It's always amusing how people say the same general thing (though it might actually be because they can't quite pinpoint what it is they like in another person). Well, I do know what I want, and it's not general at all. I think that's why I don't fall in love or into relationships easily; I know exactly what I want in a partner, and it's specific.
First, I'm crossing off looks on that list. I always feel that I can come to regard anything as physically attractive if I abstractly believe it to be beautiful. (though I want them to make at least an attempt to look good for me in what they can control - dress, weight, hair, etc.) And he has to be attracted to me as well.
I want him to be smarter than me(in one area) and secretive, but doesn't look down on me or make me feel stupid. It's always bothersome to me when a guy is always predictable.
I don't want him to believe love is some higher form of emotion, that we're destined to be soulmates, or any of that stuff. ..because I don't :-/ , and I don't want to disappoint his expectation of our relationship. But if he feels that love is heavenly and all, I have no problems with that. I delude myself often as well(doesn't mean I believe it).
I don't want someone who is romantic and takes love seriously, but at the same time, I want him to feel that love is the greatest good ever, and craves to experince this joy.
I'd probably want someone who doesn't talk constantly(and not someone who I get uncomfortable silences around either). But someone who I feel comfortable around that I don't need to say anything to keep their interest, and they understand that they don't need to say anything to keep mines either.
Finally, I really want someone who has more of an interest in science/math/philosophy/etc. than in me. Their primary concern is understanding the universe they live in, but they want another person to share their moment here with them so they don't go insane from loneliness (..because that's probably how I feel about them as well). So that honest shared understanding of eachother is what I would regard as love, which I believe makes the feeling significant in it's own way.
Now when I read over this, it doesn't sound like I'm being idealistic, but in reality, it feels like I'm being ideal to meet someone with those same values. I don't know if I'm being too ideal or not at all, but it's the truth in what I want in a person for an intimate relationship.
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Anyways, don't forget my initial math question. Anything wrong with the proof I gave for 2+2=5? I love math, heh. Some interesting stuff you could do with it. |
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