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[ Sunday, May 21st, 2006 @ 8:44pm]

Lately I've had this unexplainable smile on my face. Maybe it's because the sun has been shining or maybe it's because there is only one week left until summer. All I know is that I feel good and I haven't felt this way for a long time. I have to say, though, finals week is gonna suck. I've been studying, or at least trying to study, all day. I have so much homework, it's disgusting. Although, it doesn't seem to phase me much. All of my worries and stresses seem to disappear when summer is this close. One week. Five days. Summertime. Ah, I just can't wait. 

I took Matt to Prom at my school. It was fantastic.
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[ Thursday, April 6th, 2006 @ 5:19pm]
All I really want right now is SUMMER. I want the sunshine, the flowers, the birds, the trees, and the grass. I want the feeling, the freedom, the fun, and the friendships. I want the time and I want to spend it with the people that I love. And most of all, I want peace. Peace inside of my head and out.

Lately it has been so fucking beautiful outside. I just want to walk out of class and lay in the grass and fall asleep with the warm sun on my face. But, I can't. I'm stuck. And right now, I can't do my homework. I can't focus when it's this wonderful outside. Well, at least tomorrow is friday.

Image hosting by Photobucket
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[ Tuesday, March 14th, 2006 @ 5:40am]
The alarm clock just went off and I've been awake since yesterday. The moon looks beautiful. I spent the whole morning at Sharis (restaurant) drawing pictures and telling stories with a few of the coolest people in the world. Yeah, I snuck out for the first time, which is funny because I'm seventeen and a lot kids my age sneak out on a regular basis. It was a good time, but I don't think I'll do it again anytime soon.

I should probably start getting ready for school now. :(
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[ Tuesday, March 7th, 2006 @ 5:46pm]
You're all that I have and you're all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
I wanna to be close to you, yes I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there's no me
You're the air that I breathe
Sometimes the world is dark and I just can't see
With these, demons surround all around to bring me down to negativity
But I believe, yes I believe, I said I believe
I'll stand on my own two feet

-Matisyahu, King Without a Crown
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[ Tuesday, March 7th, 2006 @ 5:16pm]
Hello livejournal.

You must feel neglected. I apologize. There's been a lot of things going on in my life and I just haven't had the time or patience to sit down and write...or type.

Today was just your average day at school. I got back an essay that I wrote for History and, believe it or not, I got a B! This was exciting because lately I've been doing incredibly shitty in that class. Other than that, school was boring as hell.

I've started doing community service in the ER at Valley Medical Center. It's pretty interesting to see the different kinds of people and injuries that come through there. Some are gross, though. Also, this weekend I'm going to be at Casa Latina taking care of little kids for extra credit in my Spanish class. I did the same thing last year and it was so much fun I just had to do it again. The kids are so cute and they don't speak English so it's a learning experience, too. I'm pumped for it.

My mom has been bothering me about doing research for college and shit. I hate it. I have to take a history class in the summer because I failed last semester, which really blows. Oh well, there's no point in complaining. My mom also wants me to take some other summer classes, but those would be my choice. Eh, I don't even want to think about it right now.

Ah. I really need to stop biting my nails. I stopped for a week and they got all pretty looking, but then I started again and they turned to crap. I wish I could just stick with something for once. It's just like relationships. I can't hold on to them to save my life. If only I knew how to. I meet so many new people all the time that I lose track of who my real friends are. I'm losing touch with myself and the people that I need to be surrounding myself with. :(

Later. ♥
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[ Wednesday, February 8th, 2006 @ 7:27pm]
I must be walking through my life with my eyes closed because things keep happening that I can't explain or even begin to understand. I had an amazing boyfriend and I threw that away. Now I keep making choices that make me look like a horrible person. I'm ashamed of myself right now and it seems like no matter how many times I tell myself not to do something or to think first, I still don't listen. I need to listen to myself more often. Sometimes I think my head is going to explode because I'm in this endless battle with myself. I've been drinking a lot lately and I know I shouldn't. I know that I am better than that and that I don't need something like that in my system in order to have a good time. I put myself out there and I hurt myself. I need to stop.
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[ Thursday, January 26th, 2006 @ 7:14pm]
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”

- From Walden By Henry David Thoreau
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[ Tuesday, January 10th, 2006 @ 6:44pm]
Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

-Maya Angelou
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[ Sunday, December 4th, 2005 @ 10:03pm]

I wish the snow hadn't melted. It was pretty fucking cool. Not going to school on Friday because of it was also pretty cool. I took Troy to tolo at Prep on Saturday night and it was alright. I mostly just liked dressing up and spending time with him. The dance was pretty lame, as usual. Not too many of my friends were there like I'd hoped. Oh well. Other than that, this weekend was pretty uneventful. Today I did homework and cleaned my room. My mom and brothers got a christmas tree and decorated it. Usually I'm a part of all that but I wasn't and that makes me sad. I miss my big sister (the one who lives in San Diego). Something pretty shitty happened to her recently and I wish I could be there for her. She's coming home for Christmas, so that's something to look forward to.

I wish homework didn't exist. I have this research paper to write for history and it's driving me insane. It is supposed to be around 2,400 words and I'm not even close. It is also supposed to be up to 6-8 pages long and so far I've only got 3. I've been working on it all day. Something happened to my writing ability. I think it got lost somewhere between last year and now. I used to be able to spill my whole heart out onto a piece of paper and now all that comes out is a bunch of crap.

All I want to do right now is be with Troy. I wish everything else would just go away for a while. Yea, I'm going to take a shower and then go to sleep. Peace.

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[ Monday, November 21st, 2005 @ 11:18pm]
I don’t know what is going on with me lately. Why can’t I just focus? Focus. Focus. I’m dropping a bomb on my schoolwork. I don’t know why I am doing this to myself. By not doing my schoolwork I’m not harming anyone but myself. I want to do well and I don’t know what’s stopping me. I know that having a boyfriend and seeing him all the time might have something to do with it, but there is no way that I can cut back on seeing him. I need him, he makes me happy. Sometimes I feel like I have to choose between happiness and success. Happiness to me seems so much more important. But at the same time, I wish I knew how to have both. Over and over I have tried to figure this out but more and more times I have failed at this. I need answers…I need a simple life. “Our lives are frittered away by detail” Yes, they are, Mr. Henry David Thoreau. My life has too much going on in it at once. I need peace, freedom, solitude. Not work, worry or fast-paced living. My head feels congested and my muscles ache now more than ever. The pain behind my eyes is terrible. I hate migraines. I want to go to sleep now and wake up in summertime.
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[ Monday, November 7th, 2005 @ 5:18pm]
I am finally realizing things that I should have realized years ago. People change and no matter how bad or how hard it is, you cannot prevent that change. And along with change comes loss and we must not dwell on it because if we do we will only end up hurting ourselves more. I've moved on, for those of you that think I'm still obsessing over something that ended a long time ago. I did what I could and I can't do anything more. I am not happy or sad with the way things turned out. Things are the way they are supposed to be. This is all part of growing up and figuring out who I am. Lately, I've made friends in the most unlikely places. For instance, my own neighborhood. I can't remember that last time I had friends that lived close to me and now I have one that lives just down the street. I don't feel so apart from the world anymore. I am a part of things and people know who I am. I am doing things instead of sitting at home all the time. I am meeting people, making friends, and finally enjoying who I am. I don't rely on one friend anymore, nor do I follow one crowd. I've learned that I can't do that because in the end someone always feels like they are being dragged down by the other or like they have to make the other person happy. There isn't someone else defining me, I define myself now. I guess "best friends" doesn't really mean much when you get older, but all I know is that one person helped make me who I am today and I will never forget her, even if we are not good friends anymore. I hope she understands that.

"Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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[ Tuesday, November 1st, 2005 @ 6:08pm]
I hope things turn out okay. I put him through a lot of shit and all I want now if for him to be happy. I want to be friends. I want to be someone he goes to when he has no one else. I wish that I was someone that people could confide in. I want to show people that they can trust me again. I'm confident that I can do this.
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Happy Halloween. [ Monday, October 31st, 2005 @ 8:06pm]
If I hear "trick-or-treat" one more time tonight I'm going to go insane. The constant ring of the doorbell makes my head hurt. This Halloween hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to.

This journal doesn't know me very well anymore. I've grown apart from it. So many things have happened that I have not recorded, and some for a good reason. For now I'll just say that I found someone wonderful, and with such a good heart but then I took it for granted and broke that heart. Making things right again is going to take a lot of time and patience, but I need this person in my life in some way, so I will do all that it takes to get that. I hope he knows how serious I am about this relationship. He means so much to me.

It's been raining too much lately.

I want thisCollapse )
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[ Tuesday, September 27th, 2005 @ 10:17pm]
I had a good day today. My school was going to donate one of their iMac computers because they thought it was too slow and I asked if I could have it and they said yes. So, I basically got a free iMac with adobe photoshop cs, in design cs, and illustrator cs! It's hella tight. Those programs are expensive and I didn't have to pay a single penny. Yea, anyway, I got some reading to do. Peace. <>Collapse )
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[ Monday, September 26th, 2005 @ 8:56pm]
Today I went to school with a cold. It was quite miserable first and second period but it got a little less uncomfortable after lunch. My friend Garrett surprised me with a gift today, Coldplay's album X&Y. I wanted that album so bad and it made my day so much better. I'm happy to have a friend like him. When I got home I washed my car windows because they had my little brothers' dirty handprints all over them. I've decided that I need space. I need time away from the people in my life that make me the most emotional. I don't have the energy for that right now. School is where my focus needs to be. Not friends, not boys, not partying. I need a break from all that. So, I'm taking one. I already feel a lot better about the rest of this year, even just by saying these things to myself.

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it's not worth it. [ Sunday, September 25th, 2005 @ 1:48pm]
I'm done with drugs and smoking. I just can't do it anymore. I hate keeping secrets like that from the people that I love (aka. my family), so I've decided that I'm going to try stopping all of that. I don't need things like that in order to be happy. I need my family and my friends and music. For so long my happiness has depended on other things, I'm so sick of it. I need to let go and start over. This year is a chance for me to focus on my education and my future, and in all seriousness, that's what I'm going to do. I don't care how stupid you think i sound or how bizarre. I'm serious. I may not succeed at this but I'm going to at least try to start over. If that means losing friends, then so be it. If these so called friends are people that have helped me to make bad decisions, then maybe that's what is best.

My throat hurts like hell and I have loads of homework to do. Here we go...
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[ Monday, September 12th, 2005 @ 7:02pm]
Summer should never have to end, but it has, and I'm heartbroken.

I need to start thinking before I do things with guys. I need to be able to hold onto something for once without fucking it up. This shit won't happen again, that's the only promise I can make right now. School is fucking insane lately. I have so much to do. A six page history research paper, 30 hours of community service, projects, tests, reading, regular homework, etc. Plus, I really need to get a job. I have to start paying for my gas or else I'm going to end up owing my dad 238,529,857 dollars. Tough shit.

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[ Tuesday, September 6th, 2005 @ 4:33pm]

School has started. I'm a junior now. I have my license, finally. My 17th birthday is next Friday. I am looking forward to this year. I feel pretty happy for once in my life. I haven't felt like this in a long, long time. It's good to smile and actually mean it.

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[ Monday, August 8th, 2005 @ 5:13pm]
(taken from an old notebook)

I'm not smart when it comes to boys and that's the bottom line. Why the fuck do I even bother. All I do is fuck things up for people and for myself. Why do people have to keep coming and going? Why can't someone just stay in my life for once. It doesn't make sense for someone to have to feel the way I do. I'm more than just lost and this thing called life is more than just a maze. I'm a scatter-brained teenager with selflessness writtin on my forhead. I am losing my thoughts in this endless swirl of pen and paper. It's funny...this page seems to grow longer by the minute. I'll never reach the end of it.
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[ Thursday, August 4th, 2005 @ 8:48pm]
I just finished Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I think I might cry. It was a really good book, but I'm ready for the next. I am supposed to read this HUGE book called East of Eden before school starts, but forget that. There is only a few weeks left of summer for me so I am out of luck. Well, I am exhausted.

Until next time, ciao.
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