am·biv·a·lence /æmˈbɪvələns/ [am-biv-uh-luhns
1. uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
2. Psychology. the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.
oh my god... there is a word to express my life, me. i am ambivalent. without a doubt. i used to just say oh well im a gemini, the twins, two different people. hah. i am not crazy. i do not have multiple personality disorder, i am just always stuck between different choices. this is probably normal for most young adults (since i cant call myself a teenager anymore). i cant let go of the fact that im not a kid anymore and now i have to be this person who is mature and responsible and everything an "adult" is supposed to be. i really thought i was ready for this, but honestly i think i turned 20 before i was ready to. but thats life. it doesn't wait for you to be ready, it doesn't stop. it doesn't care about your past or the hardships you went through. its time, it just keeps going.
so back to my problem, my ambivalence... "uncertainty and fluctuation". i live in uncertainty every day, all day. i always question myself and the people around me. yeah i have trust issues, who doesn't? but i think this is more than a simple trust issue. i mean i trust people, i tell my friends about my job, school, the guys i see, blah blah blah. but no one really knows the inner workings of my mind and how fucked up i think i really am. i am very moody and i can change my mood at the drop of a dime. so im pretty uncertain and untrustworthy of myself. so how the hell am i supposed to trust others?
"inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things." again this relates to me on a ridiculous level. i have trouble making decisions, making decisions is scary as fuck for me. even at the grocery store i take FOREVER to decide on things i want to get. like i will take things out and put things back in the shopping cart like 5 times and then eventually not get it. which leaves me with just wasted time and aggravation. so obviously if i have such a hard time with shopping, making important life decisions is frightening. i really think that im a good actress. i can play two different roles brilliantly. the only thing that fucks me up is that i am just one person, and sometimes those roles that i play conflict and make me look like a liar, fake, or crazy. i really believe that i am none of those, but i guess actions speak louder than words. i think i am a good daughter. yeah i could spend more time with my family, but overall i believe i play a good daughter role. as you probably know, my mom is 4 years clean and sober. my whole family is against alcohol and drug use. and i am the oldest out of 5 grandchildren looking up to me. so what does that mean? i obviously have to set a good example and be that clean and sober role model for my family. so even though i go to meetings, alateen conferences, take drug and alcohol abuse classes, and talk about how drugs are so bad... i smoke weed probably 3 to 4 times a week and drink usually on the weekends while i party with my friends. now that isnt conflicting hahahaha.
"the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions." now this line, is probably where my biggest issues lie. i have strong positive and negative feelings towards everyone in my life. my family and friends whom i love and respect, but at the same time hate and regret. i love to be around them but sometimes i cant overlook their faults and punish them by pushing them away or hurting them. the guy i have been in love with for almost four years is the one person i feel the strongest feelings of both love and hate for. i would have to say that he is the biggest conflicting problem in my head and heart. everyday is like a roller coaster. i love him, i hate him, i want to see him, i want to see him dead, i want him to be happy, i want him to be in pain and miserable. when i look at a picture of him i find him completely unattractive, but when we are together i cant stop looking at him in awe. i really dont understand this. like i understand why im stuck in life because im at this turning point of leaving childhood behind and coming into adulthood. so i work and work and go to school and be perfect during the day, but at night i act out and party and play with the fire of addiction.. i TOTALLY understand that. but with this fool, and my head, my heart, i am completely dumbfounded. its crazy how in 4 years so many things have changed, but this guy, this situation with him, and my feelings for him are exactly the same, well maybe a little stronger, as 4 years ago. my friends will never understand it, which is why i dont get angry with them or defend him anymore around them. i really just pretend that im over it. i dont only do it for them though. i do it for me and for him. i know that we will never be together again, and i have finally accepted that so its best for everyone if i just let it go, or at least lock it into the back of my head and never let it back out.
this isn't the beginning of all this. i really believe that i have almost always been torn and stuck on decisions and people in my life. i dont like being this way, but its who i am. i just hope that is a piece of me that i will not carry out into adulthood and maybe learn some new ways to cope with making decisions. i guess i'll just have to find out.