I Want To Believe

What is the scariest thing that has ever happened to you?

2005-03-19T19:06:14Z

(private)

My partner died.
That wasn't the most terrifying part of it. We'd always known the risks.
If I had a dollar for every time one of us got hurt or was threatened by
injury, illness, violence, etc., I'd buy my own island. And I'd still have
money left over for a round-trip ticket out there.

I couldn't believe it, at first. I didn't want to. Classic five stages attitude;
never let it be said I don't do that by the book.
I got to where I thought I could go on.
Then--we discovered that he'd apparently come back. He and another man, somehow
latched onto a miracle.
Apparently.
Tainted blessings.
The other man looked, sounded, behaved almost exactly like who he had been. He may
have even thought that he was, to start with; I was never sure about that.
He wasn't.
Something had replaced him. A copy close enough to fool most people, but
still--Not the real thing. Not human. Changed from the inside out, and to the best of
my knowledge, the...transformation was very much a one-way trip.

I had to look at someone I cared about, respected, was half in love with once,
and wonder if he was going to wake up and turn into a monster. Literally.
I found myself planning ways not only to prevent that, but--
to make sure that either way, it didn't happen. If need be, find a way to,

to kill him.

And I felt almost nothing. I couldn't.
Survival mechanism. I realized that later.
Knowing that this might be what lay ahead, for either or both of us...
Once in a lifetime experience doesn't begin to describe it.
Let's hope that's all it is.
I remember that I was abducted too, at least the once, that they tampered with me
without my knowledge.
When I think that, I find myself being very careful about not looking in the mirror
for a few minutes afterward.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files

A woman's prerogative

2005-03-10T19:12:22Z

If you could change one person's mind, who and what would it be?
I'm torn.
Part of me is tempted to say I'd change a young Spender's or Bill Mulder's mind for one that was used more often. " 'Oh yes,aliens have arrived,let's trade them our family members as a form of insurance policy. Can't expect them to take State Farm, now, can we? '"
I wouldn't try to impose my own agenda or beliefs on them.
I would change their minds literally, for those of the men they would be after remembering,hell, embracing decades of 'compromises', lies, vicious torture and experimentation on innocent people, and deaths. Their children's. Their own.

Atrocity after betrayal after futile attempt to dance with the Devil but never fall.
Then I would switch them back. Let them live knowing what they were capable of, who they really were, when tested, if they could...or if they couldn't.
Part of me is a little older, sadder, and whispering, "Do you think they started killing with a whole leap over that line...or a single step where they knew what they ought to do, for themselves and the rest of the world?"

But not wise enough, or maybe it's not strong enough, because given the opportunity for real?
I'd still do it, no matter what the risks or the consequences were to me or anyone else.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: The X-Files

What can you say is truly yours?

2005-03-02T14:29:31Z

Everyone else seems to have covered the point that possessions are transient,
so I'll skip over mentioning things such as my album collection, my house
or my weapons. I do enjoy having them. "Truly" mine as in can't be taken
away, however, they're not.

What do I have that no one can take away, that I don't want to get rid of?
The first person who mentions the name Krycek is going to help me field test
my marksmanship skills. I may be rusty. Who knows?

Experience can't be taken away. Yes, memories can be altered or false, but
unless time travel's involved--That's not a suggestion! what one has
done, or not done, choices made, work accomplished,or failed, would still be
there even if I was not.
My family and friends are mine. Yes, I know death could separate us, and already
has in some cases. Emily...but, that's not going to change who we are and were to
each other. "The soul remembers."
I suppose that that means I should include faith in this post. It's always been a
part of my life. Not religion, per se, I've had too many questions and surprises
to hold to a set idea of "God" or "reality", "right or wrong", the "truth."
Belief that there's something better, greater than we are, and something to reach
for in the future. I have those. I've never lost them and I think they're here to
stay.

The mountain of paperwork on my desk, too, it seems. Duty calls.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files
Word count: 252

Wonderland?

2005-02-21T15:52:15Z

Welcome to my world.
They do say that 'complete truth could equal madness', so I would have a reason
to wander down the rabbit hole.
Oh yes, this is deja vu.
What would I do there? Like most people, probably get very lost, to
start with. I'd be interested in the Cheshire Cat before the caterpillar.
Chemical use or firestarting for fun, smoking included, is more "Alex's" style
than mine, sadly. I'm used to invisibility, so that wouldn't faze me.
I'd avoid the cards, I think--I love gardens, but there's been too much red, or
changing of one's colors, on my job.
Stop for a cup of tea, and toast Chaos? Or insanity? Sounds good.
The Jabberwocky and I could trade riddles before I'd go to pay my respects to
the Queen. I always manage to keep my head on my shoulders, though so far I
haven't woken up from strange dreams very well.They keep coming back.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files
Word count: 157

What does the word "love" mean to you?

2005-02-10T15:00:06Z

Everything.
The word has a few hundred different possible meanings. Friends, family, partners,
lovers. Passion. Caring. Strength in bad times, laughter in the good. Inspiration.
They're all part of the whole. Of a force that created worlds...

For me, the best example of love in my everyday life is someone I know. A man who never forgot either the causes he was passionate about, that were his goal in life, or the people whom he called "his", never let himself stop caring for and cherishing others; those he knew, those he didn't, all had value to him. Worth.
I try to emulate that, to never forget.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files
Word count: 106

dana_scully_ @ 2005-01-31T17:17:00

2005-01-31T22:17:11Z

You scored as Air. The predominant element in your life is AIR. Air rules intellect and logic, and the signs Gemini, Libra and Aquarius.

</td>

Air

50%

Fire

40%

Earth

40%

Water

35%

Spirit

25%

Which of the Five Elements are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

dana_scully_ @ 2005-01-31T16:45:00

2005-01-31T21:58:43Z

Happily ever after?

I don't believe there always is such a thing, not for everyone.
Dreams change as we grow older, though we can always dream. The
stories I used to read as a child made me smile, laugh, imagine.
Sometimes I still do.
I have a good life, but it's nothing like the fairy tales where the
heroes slay the monster, and go on to rule the kingdom, or the princess
finds her beloved and they go off to wedded bliss.
There are no neat, formulaic endings.
The future, my ending, ours, will be what we make it.
I don't see a "ride into the sunset" happening for me. I can't speak for
anyone else. I'll continue until I can stop, or walk away, or until
it's time to go, finally.
I have people I respect, some that I love, work that truly makes a difference,
that benefits those I protect.
Now and again, yes, there are hints of--magic, of the old stories. I'm glad
for that.

For myself, I'll let someone else write out what my "ever after" was when my
adventures end.
Those that live the tales are not usually those that write them, that's another
tradition.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files
Word count: 200

dana_scully_ @ 2005-01-28T09:45:00

2005-01-28T14:54:10Z

What's the furthest away you've ever been from the place you were born/created? How did you get there? Why did you go? Did you return or even want to come back to where you came from?
Antarctica.

I and my partner flew up there. We were investigating a case that--
Isn't it always a case? I certainly didn't go up there on vacation, nor
did he.
We were called in on a case that involved terrorists in the United States,
and yes, those were there before 9/11.
From there, the whole situation snowballed. Aliens, rogue(by my definition) or
corrupt FBI agents, and extraterrestrial plagues, random/deliberate explosions
and deaths, all that good stuff that looks like special movie effects but is,
believe me, no fun to be on the receiving end in real life.

Where I came from?
In any sense of the word, I don't believe that's possible, no.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files

Description of my exact opposite?

2005-01-12T17:23:39Z

I don't know that I'd say 'male' was necessarily the opposite of female. It's one of two choices. If anything, I'd say 'asexual' was the opposite of both, but leave that for now.
My opposite, if we're referring to humans, would be young, innocent, just out of her "training wheels." She'd believe in a reality that had no hidden traps or odd phenomenon that couldn't be explained by science. She would never have talked to a god or danced with immortals, or met a certain sorcerer who made her smile,bastard or not.
She wouldn't have had her resolve tested by most of a decade in the field, and earned that yes, there are monsters out there, a lot of them wearing human faces...and that yes, she is strong enough to deal with betrayal, with ongoing madness and searching for truth, with all of it.
More innocent, perhaps happier, but weaker. Knowing far less, and blissfully
ignorant.

If we're adding in physical likeness, she would be short, overweight, wearing a hair color that was not what God gave her, and not know that black goes with everything from forensic chemicals to pixie dust. In other words, your average teen geek/mouse potato.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: The X-Files
Word count: 201

Do you believe in the possibility of a true friendship between a man and a woman?

2004-12-29T21:10:12Z

The possibility? Yes, but remember who you're asking.
After most of a decade on this job, I don't believe that much of anything is impossible anymore.

Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship.

You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.

I haven't done well myself in the past, keeping it to "strictly friends." I've been successful sometimes, but not invariably so. Emotions and relationships don't come in neatly labeled little packages.

What I need to be a true friend with someone is honesty, patience(ohh yeah),
caring, curiosity, laughter. Those weren't gender-based traits the last I'd
heard.

Were Mulder and I friends? Are Monica Reyes, John Doggett, and I? Yes, but in at least one of those examples, the line was crossed.I think it can only work if the people involved agree on what friendship means, and don't let society's assumptions influence what happens between individuals.

A friend is not a lover, though he or she can be. The reverse is
also true by implication.

So my simplified answer is that "yes, but be prepared to work at it, like any relationship."

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files
Word count:237

What are your religious beliefs?

2004-12-17T16:10:16Z

I was never a big fan of organized religion. To my way of looking at it,
prayers, services, holidays, churches or temples--those are for the benefit of the human worshippers. A way for them to relate to their chosen deity/deities, but
not necessary for them to be heard or cared for by that Supreme Being. An
omnipotent Power might take joy in such displays but then--what of those in
His/Her creation who don't know of them? Are they less than the humans who
do offer worship?

I believe that there is a greater Power, yes. I don't agree that that Being is
required to match human expectations. In Christian beliefs, which is how I was
brought up, God is the Creator of the entire universe, all that is or was or
will be. I doubt very much that "He" or "She" is as we imagine, or can imagine.

My family tried to convince me to turn to the divine for assistance, or spiritual
support/guidance, when my cancer was diagnosed. "There are no atheists in foxholes"
and all that. While I appreciated their efforts, it still felt wrong to me to try
to...revert to older habits, at the eleventh hour. Like trying to crawl back into
the clothes I had worn at thirteen years of age.

I've seen indications that, for me, were a source of hope that there is something beyond humankind. I don't try to label it, or understand and analyze,
just...accept that hope isn't unrealistic, that I don't have to understand everything.
Do the best I can, with the tools I have, and the work I've dedicated myself to
doing, for as long as I'm able. If I have a form of "worship", I suppose that that's it.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom:X-Files
Word count:290

stolen from bestbeloved--the Bad Hats meme

2004-12-15T04:01:26Z

Step 1: Pick out a friend's icon
Step 2: Badly edit a Santa hat onto it
Step 3: Profit

What do you want for your birthday?

2004-12-10T14:46:52Z

[private]
Home is where the heart is?
Cake, and presents, and silly hats...
I want to be able to lock my door, and have that be enough to
feel safe.
I want to hold my son, on his next birthday.
I want to be...
What? Innocent?
Keep it simple and realistic, Dana.
I want to spend a week where I don't have to think about the
latest crisis. Go somewhere quiet, and peaceful, but fun.
I can't remember the last time I just thought of myself.
Go out sailing, or on a road trip, drive til I run out
of road. Let someone else 'serve and protect' for a while.

Vacation. Time spent with friends, laughing, go out and dance
or do silly stuff like karaoke in public.Get drunk. Whatever whim
strikes.

Hm. I wonder...

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files
Word count: 139

What am I thankful for?

2004-12-01T21:17:46Z

Faith.

Second chances.

Work that makes a difference, even if at times I feel like I'm fighting
the tide's going out.

Magic. Surprises. New ideas.

Families. The ones that're found as well as the ones we're born into;
my parents, my friends.

The new friends I've met since joining this ~~sometimes bizarre but amazing~~
community.

The truth and the challenges that are part of finding it.

The people that inspired me to keep on no matter how bad circumstances
got, and those that showed me...who and literally what I didn't want
to be throughout my life.

Simple things: snow, changing seasons, laughter, pencils in the ceiling,
music, home and hearth, the open road, unlocked doors, dreams. The literal
kind as well as those I have awake.

My life. My freedom, humanity. Those I learned not to take for granted,
which is a lesson I'm also thankful I had.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files
Word count: 148

dana_scully_ @ 2004-11-23T18:47:00

2004-11-23T23:57:59Z

comeuppance

n : an outcome (good or bad) that is well deserved

I wouldn't wish for my fate to change--I did that already, at Samhain, and
expected or not, I got what I asked. I won't play 'what if'.

Who else?

Mulder, and "that chain-smoking son of a bitch", respectively.
We worked on hundreds of cases, some that relate to Mulder's theories about aliens,
others that were duty rather than his or anyone else's agenda. "To serve and
protect". We risked everything for those purposes; Mulder, because he more than
anything wanted the truth, wanted vindication. Then, anyhow.

The other--I wish I could put him through every bit of grief and damage
and bleeding nightmare struggle we went through, that Reyes and Doggett and Gibson and
Absalom and Marita and so many others endured. Decades, over a generation worth
of hell, and he stood there laughing, taunting us. Sonofa...Scully trails off.

And most of all, for putting us in the situation of having to choose...No.
If you know me, you know what I chose, what I/we had to do.
If not? Don't ask. You'll be much happier not knowing. Trust me.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: The X-Files

?

2004-11-13T20:49:47Z

You are Film.
You are the youngest of the art forms and you have
a lot to prove. A blend of Photography and
Drama, it's difficult to see you as a unique
individual.

What form of art are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

What is the biggest lie you've ever told? What were the consequences?

2004-11-11T02:47:47Z

In the interest of having this finished before Thanksgiving, I'm going to be
a bit less...indirect. I'd think the fact that I do lie should hardly come
as a shock to anyone, by now.

"I trust you."

I've said that to any number of people over the past ten years; enemies,
friends, co-workers,murderers, monsters in human or not so human skin.
I said it to keep them safe, to protect myself from them, or others,
to lull them into inactivity until I was ready to move, to gain information,
...to see them either locked up, or dead.

I spent most of that same decade with people trying to murder me, my
partner, or our friends. If you all thought things would never change,
that I wouldn't, then you simply haven't been paying attention.

I still hope, yes, still honor my obligations, but in my.own. way.
Those who can't or won't understand that...are the ones who shouldn't
have trusted me, no matter what I said.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files

OOC, general notice

2004-11-09T22:03:38Z

Any muses who enjoy music, either as the audience or to perform, might find
this
of interest. 'Tis open to anyone who might like to stop by, the more the merrier!

What would you put in a personal ad?

2004-11-04T22:38:33Z

A personal ad.

Great. What's next, collagen and Botox? Yoga? It's sad. Too, how often have I worked cases where women or even men picked up their own personal stalkers by writing one of these things?

Let me think.
I'm not in the market for a romance. HOWEVER...

(Professional adult female seeking partner, or more than one. Must be intelligent, experienced, gender not a consideration. Ability to multitask a plus. Patience, ingenuity, flexibility. Pay good and hours open to negotiation. Will assist qualified candidates with training. Travel required. Unique situations and
opportunities to meet a variety of people in various fields. No immortals or Russians need apply. )

Satisfied?
Good, then, that makes one of us.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files
Word count: 124

What happened the first time you were drunk?

2004-10-22T18:35:27Z

I've been there exactly twice, so it's not hard to remember.
I was eighteen, celebrating high school graduation, and at a party
with half the senior class. The class valedictorian's house, I think.
His parents were away. My date was boring, and I was curious.
Bad combination. I started on beer, and then someone persuaded the
"host" to open a bottle of Scotch.
At some point, I wandered off the premises. A girlfriend of mine
and I hit a nearby tattoo parlor. I was buzzed by then, but not so
bad that they refused to take my money. The tattooist showed me a
wallful of designs, or "flash." I picked one. Yes, I went through
with it. No, I won't tell you where. What, yes. It's a rose twined
around a sword.
I was brave through most of it. Liquid courage, but don't let anyone
tell you that those needles don't hurt. Even with my gal pal providing
moral support, it DID. We went back to the party afterward and drank, just
listening to music on the stereo. She suggested we "go party by
ourselves." I was too drunk by then to think it was anything but
funny.
However, I passed out on the couch halfway during the conversation.
So I never found out if she meant what I thought she did.
The hangover?
Shrugs.
I didn't have one.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files

From Oldestbeloved

2004-10-19T15:38:19Z

1. Tell me something obvious about you.
2. Tell me something about you that many don't know.
3. What is your biggest fear?
4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money.
6. What is your most treasured possession?
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often?
8. Tell me something sexually about you that I don't know.
9. Tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows.
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
11. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again.
12. Are you the jealous type?
13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to?
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
16. When was the last time you cried?
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
19. Name something embarrassing you did while being drunk.
20. If you post this in your journal would you like me to answer it?

dana_scully_ @ 2004-10-13T10:59:00

2004-10-13T15:10:47Z

If you won the equivalent of $2000 and had to spend it, what would you buy?

That wouldn't suffice to pay for what I want most, when it comes to something that
can be bought. It's also too much money to ignore. I would find something
useful to do with it, that would give at least one person--other than me--relief from
work, or worry, if I could. Not a charitable donation. I don't have much faith in
altruism anymore and I'd rather my money went to an individual, than to an organization that would take the lion's share for their operating overhead .
My father always said "found money should keep walking"...

I think I'd either do as some have suggested--throw a party, perhaps for the coming
holiday--or buy a gift for a friend. Give us something to smile about.
No, I will not pay for a trip to the Bermuda Triangle, Reyes. Stop asking me,
please. It wasn't funny the first three times.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files

Does heartache make you stronger?

2004-10-05T07:12:56Z

I'd say that depends on the circumstances, as well as the person affected.
I lost my sister, the partner I trusted--twice-- my belief in a lot of 'reality'
was ripped and shredded and had to be thrown out like wet newspaper.I had to
fight, plan, scheme against people I should have been able to trust.
I listened to a doctor tell me I had only a few months to live. I never knew
why it happened, why me, or why I was spared after all.
I grieved, I cried, I cursed God, demanding answers, when I was alone. Oh yes.
I may never tell others my doubts, my questions, but I have them.
Somehow, every time, I managed to pick myself up and go on. Sometimes alone,
sometimes not. I don't know if being alone would have broken me. The past is a country we can't revisit.
However...I don't think it would have done.
I do think I'm stronger, yes. It doesn't work that way for everyone. Some never
stop hurting, some find they can't go on, and give up--some find they like
causing pain, or even living it.
For myself--Yes. That's my short answer.
Because I can't and won't believe that all of this has been for nothing.

Fandom: X-Files
Muse: Dana Scully
Word count: 209

dana_scully_ @ 2004-09-25T14:14:00

2004-09-25T18:27:40Z

Adventurous?
Not sure I like that label, it always make me think of supermarket aisle romance novels and bungee
jumping, or these days, "reality TV."
Friends-list, dears, if any of you feel absolutely feel determined to kill someone, I won't investigate any mysterious deaths of "The Bachelor" cast members. Promise!

Sorry. (brief pause while in search of Midol and hot coffee)
Do I consider myself adventurous?
Weelll...
1)I work for the FBI.
Not that that would qualify as particularly adventurous by itself. There are many personnel
who have other work, that doesn't involve field trips investigating weird cases directly, up to and including homicides. However, that leads us to:
2)I chose to be assigned to the X-Files division, and to remain for most of a decade. Partnered
with Fox Mulder, no less, and then with John Doggett and Monica Reyes--who,I swear, are nearly as capable of finding trouble with their eyes closed and standing still as we were.

I try to be honest with myself. This was my doing. I may not have chosen all the difficulties, challenges, threats, I've had to contend with, but who made the first move? Hint: It wasn't "don't
call me that" FBI agent.

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files

dana_scully_ @ 2004-09-18T15:52:00

2004-09-18T20:06:49Z

[private]
Do you confront your problems or ignore them until you're forced to do something about them? Do you procrastinate?

Ignore isn't always a bad option. My superiors at the Bureau have specialized in denial that could have earned them Egyptian visas,in the past. They've managed to cope. Obviously.
Of course, it doesn't hurt their cause that I haven't enlightened them that they aren't being ignored. I am neither stupid nor suicidal.
Let them think they're untouchable if they like.

If you want to avoid confrontations altogether, work in the post office or some such, not in law enforcement. The training directs us, not to fight, but to know when to look for other options-- and to know when the 'polite' alternatives stop being viable.

I've done both. I find confrontation more effective in the long term. Ignore can be a short-term fix for temporary annoyances. I don't have the time, patience, or aspirin, to waste on every paper-pushing idiot, disgustingly chirpy telemarketer, or chauvinistic 'what's a pretty woman like you doing in this job' boor who comes my way.

Procrastinate?
That would imply I have free time on my hands, wouldn't it?
*eyeroll*

Muse: Dana Scully
Fandom: X-Files