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Damon

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[06 Aug 2004|11:00pm]
I have not been feeling well for quite some time. I don't know if it's due to the fact that I've not been doing much and boredom has caused me to think that I'm ill or if something is truly wrong. There is this pain behind my right shoulder. it's almost excruciating and if I didn't know better I'd swear that I'd fallen and broken a rib. Along with that comes a headache that snakes up my neck bone and charges behind my eyes leaving small balls of dancing light. I feel like I haven't slept in days and when I lie down it's easy for me to drift off, even through the pain. Medications don't seem to help so I've consulted a Doctor and had some bloodwork done. I'm still waiting on the results. In the meantime I've been told to take it easy and to rest and get plenty of fluids. You know the typical resounding medical advice. Even Mum says the same. She thinks I've been stressed out over the changes I've decided to make and that it's all metabolic. She's probably right but I'd be the last to admit I had made myself sick over worrying again.

Missy was here the other night and saw me in this state. I laid on the couch while she played and drew pictures. She wanted to pretend she was a Doctor and brought me all kinds of things to try to make me feel better. She stacked them around me and under me. She then brought in her doll doctor kit and took my blood pressure with this plastic thing that actually pumps when you squeeze it. The needle flew around and she said it was 6 and 32. Which probably means that I'm dead. She forced a large plastic thermometer into my mouth after much protest and turned the nob on the back of it to make the temperature go up. Once again I was dead as she read out 80 degrees C. I must have been on fire. *she placed her had on my head and told me she had bad news. I asked her what was the bad news.. she said "My bill!" I nodded.

I haven't spoken to Graham or Alex in a few days since I took ill. Hopefully they will show their heads again soon.

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just keep swimming [09 Jul 2004|11:33am]
[ mood | tired ]

I have come to the conclusion that not everything is worth the effort you put into it. I used to believe that you got out of something what you put into it. That adage is slowly fading with me as are a number of other beliefs. I'm tired of being let down. I'm tired of holding expectations as high for others as I hold them for myself. Too many times I have gone out of my way to do things for others only to have the payment returned by a slap in the face.I used to be admired and adored for the things I did for my friends. Perhaps I'm just having a bad day or week...I'm sure much of it has to do with the lack of sleep I've been getting.

There is this bird. Yes, I realise I'm talking about birds again, but this one is different. It's a small hawk and has a mate and I've been watching them as they circle my home and call to each other. The male often sits in the small aspen tree and spends most of his time making a load of ruckus while the female flies around and fetches food for the hatchlings. Sometimes I see her bringing back small twigs and making the nest better while the other sits on the perch calling to her and drawing the worlds attention. Nevermind I've just realised as I write this out that I have it all wrong and its so obviously the female who sits on the perch ordering her male counterpart around while she does her nails. I'll be waiting for Fiona's feministic qualities to come out and attack me on that one.

Graham has returned from a small hiatus and I'm hoping to get to talk to him more. That is when he decides to remove himself from the tub and stop pretending he's important.

(14 thoughts || share your thoughts || disclaimer)

[05 Jul 2004|01:49pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Contemplating in confusion, I'm often driven by my fears. It's not something I wanted to say but the words just came out and then they were exposed like flesh bleeding wounds. I knew even so that it was something I couldn't hold in. I've never been much for secrets only silence and reverie. I only hope it doesn't make you bitter.

And did I do it to prove a point or was there a heat of the moment, I know sometimes I care to much and you only make me feel. I hate that in you and you hate it in me. We try to push each other back but end up drawing closer like the polar magnets. Flip the sides and we push, flip again and we pull. There isn't much to say when you look into a mirror and you see all of your realities. Some of it is harsh and a bitter awakening, other time you want to draw comfort from it. And I don't know what to tell you, and you and you. I only know what I feel, and this pull in so many directions that has my mind spinning like a pervebial top. I just sit here wondering when it will stop. Will it ever stop?

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[03 Jul 2004|03:35pm]
I have a terrible headache again..
most of you are shite commenters and if I had to give a prize for being the best at
it, then it would go to Shakira and Justin.

where is the love people?

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[29 Jun 2004|04:18pm]
[ mood | amused ]

DOOLFACE!!

 

yes that is my entry for the day, if you weren't in chat last night perhaps you wont get it and should start coming around more.

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update of sorts..rather sucky one at that!! [28 Jun 2004|10:56am]
[ mood | groggy ]

Alex is likely going to out-do me in the way of updates. It's true that I only do them rarely and each time I try to put as much into them as possible so perhaps it is time to stop caring and just type. Just say what's on my mind for the evening and not care a whit.

I'm listening to the strangest music right now, it's a bit like world beat but I'm very into it. It's in my head and it has the wheels turning. I'm thinking about Africa again but I probably wont plan another trip there for at least a year. I need time with Missy and my mates.

Speaking of, I was up rather late with Alex last night. We were just sitting there on the couch talking and sharing in a drink. He was figgety..and then the subject of Graham came round. It put me in an absolute stupper. I've been thinking about Graham as of late. Wondering if he was alright..how he was doing..does he think of me? That sort..eventually I went to bed at a very late hour. I'm still not very alert.

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Greetings once again. [25 Jun 2004|07:21pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Alex has made a proper update which in turn makes my update of having breathing skills look rather trite. I am however umongst the living but I'm still not sure what side of purgatory I am on. I missed everyone dearly and I know you think that's rubbish but I did. You are a lofty and terrible bunch but somehow you have all seeped into my heart and made me care for. Sick innit?

As Angelina had said she and I had spent some time with one another and our little M&M's We took them to the park and watched them play for a bit. They get along very well and Missy actually shares her toys with Maddox. Angelina is still trying to adopt a little Russian girl and I hope she is able to.

I also spent a little time in NY, I went to see Britney after her knee surgery. She semed to be quite the little gimp and we laughed as we played an ever lasting game of Monopoly. She's a sweet girl..yes I admitted to it. But she really is!

that is all I can manage from a half brain dead man..

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[25 Jun 2004|01:42am]
I am not dead I promise..

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[13 Jun 2004|12:47pm]
[ mood | headachy ]

I have an enormous headache and I want to share it with the world so they can feel my pain.

Yesterday I bought a new pack of filter lights and put them in my shirt pocket. When I bent over to pick up a sock from the floor of the bath they feel in the loo. This was after I had informed myself that the pack should last me all week. I'm trying to cut back again.

Sometimes I can't believe people like to read my bullshit words. I really am not that informative. I don't lend much advice. I just prattle on about my life which isn't as exciting as it may look.

Keira has spoiled my child something aweful and now I haven't heard the end of it. I've had to play dress up tea party twice now. But I look really great in the flowered bonnet.

Alex has been busy with his radio show. He thinks he's some kind of star now and refers to himself as a gentleman on air. He makes me laugh that's all that matters, but someone need to talk to him about some of the music choices he made. He seems to think I've forgotten him. But I couldn't if I tried to..

I miss Angie

Putting asterisks in your posts is really strange to me and almost unnessicary. The beauty of writing in a journal is that no one can see you. Why would you point out the silly little things you're doing. I guess it's alright.. a laugh here and a smile there. But I'd much rather type out that something makes me smile or laugh. It's all a matter of prefferences and I'm just too opinionated sometimes.

take care *SMILES*

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[10 Jun 2004|09:40pm]
damonalbarn_'s LJ stalker is bloomin_orli!
bloomin_orli is stalking you because they think you are rich and they want your blingbling. They are also stalking you in real life. Look out!


LiveJournal Username:


LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com


It's kismet!! Right Orli?

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I talk myself through life [06 Jun 2004|03:00pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

95% of the time I am sucessful in what I do. The other 5% is faked. It's sometimes difficult to deal with the thoughts of failing at something you put your heart into. Do you understand what that feeling of failure can do to a man. because ultimately I feel like all eyes are on me. everyone is looking for direction. I'm supposed to be a leader. I'm the front man. the spotlight is blinding my eyes. So really struggling with your own self worth becomes an issue. You can crawl on your knees untill the material is torn from your trousers only to realise you haven't moved an inch. I feel like I'm cutting thick paper with dull scissors, all it does it bend. And perhaps those are the times when you want to give up the most. When you are spent and you've stopped caring because you think no one else does. Those are the times when it's harder to pull yourself out of the hole because your fingers are left raw and bleeding. But those are also the times when you have to pick yourself up again and dust yourself off. Try to make a go at it. Maybe it wont work this time but maybe it will the next. I have never been a quiter.. And I hope I never am.

I refuse to give up on any of you!

(21 thoughts || share your thoughts || disclaimer)

[26 May 2004|09:45pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I was awakened in the night again by this myseterious bird that has been harking at my window. As I said before it's still dark out and this thing is singing to it's hearts content. I looked at the clock and it wasn't even 4:30 am just yet. But this time it wasn't in the tree by the window, it must have been a bit further off even though I could still hear it's echoey cry. so after listening to it for awhile it dawned on me that it's a nighting gale. Just though I'd share that little bit with you all.

I went to visit Missy this afternoon. She is growing so quickly. She's my little jellybean. She took my hand and broght me to her room wanting to show me the new doll that Meems bought her(meems is what she calls suzi's mom)and as we walked intot the room I turned to switch on the light and it had burned out. That's when she said the most adorable thing, that I had to come tell you all. She said "I think the batteries runnes out of the lightbulb." she was so matter of a fact that i couldn't argue. Not one bit.

side note: You people need to update more and comment but also if people comment you, please try to respond, this community is based on this and I'm getting ticked!

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Yes this is what comes of not speaking for so long... [20 May 2004|09:19am]
[ mood | awake ]

I awoke shivering with my backside exposed to the morning's chill. I turned to see the warm figure lying next to me had not only put their pyjamas on sometime during the night, but had also stolen all of the comforter. I tugged at it slowly so as not to rouse them. I knew they hadn't been sleeping well in my absence. It was good to see them so pleasant and restful. As I pulled the cover up over me they let out a groan and rolled to their side. A smoker's cough escaping their lungs. Something they've come accustomed to, something that no longer woke them. I tucked the covers around me enjoying the warmth and smell of their body that still lingered.

I starred at the clock for a moment. Not believing how early it was. Daylight hadn't even broke but soon the light would come flooding in the room, blinding our eyes. lying my head back on the pillow I attempted to fall back to sleep. There is a branch just outside the window here. In the daylight you can see that it is from an old majestic oak tree. In the night it creates a haunting shadow with knarelled fingers outstretched, looking for it's victim. In the past three days the silence of this dark and eerie creature have been interrupted. There is a bird that sits in it's fingering grasp. Just in view of the window it stands perched. It begins it's hallow call just before the sunrise. Cooing out a repeat in 4 time. As beautiful as it would be to the untried mind, it was extremely irritating at 5 a.m. At first I would put the pillow over my head thinking it couldn't carry on forever. I'd toss and turn hoping that it would grow bored and fly away with the dawn. But all my wishing wasn't going to make it disappear. I finally lost my patience flipping my newly acquired blankets off and hoping up to the window. I tapped on it lightly on the glass. It fluttered it's wings but persisted in staying. I quietly opened the pane and stuck my head out whistling. It just looked at me. So I yelled "Fucking bird bugger off!!" A pillow was immediately bunged at my head along with the words. "The Fuck Damon?" and the bird flew away.

I've been promising Angelina tales from Africa. I began to tell her about the street markets where you can buy almost anything. The variety of spices there alone is enough to make one want to spend all day just taking in the smells and textures. There was this dodgy old man with a short beard and very few teeth. The remaining ones we grey and dead looking. I wasn't wanting to get to close because I knew his breath would probably be acidic and I'd have to be revived. But he intrigued me. Especially since he had a small capichien monkey that sat on his shoulder. He sat there just leaning against a tent pole feeding it figs. I smiled at him and he held a fig out to me nodding. No sooner had I taken it when the monkey leaped from the man's shoulder to mine. He then proceeded to make his way to the top of my head. I fed him the fig and considered asking the man if I could buy the little blighter. But then getting him past customs crossed my mind. Eh not worth it.

Alex came... showed up about a week in and kept me from smoking too much Ghanja. We hung out in the hotel or at the studio most of the time. One of the days, we actually ventured out looking for a pub to relax in. The streets were packed that day for some sort of festival. And when we arrived at the pub it was wall to wall bodies. People coming in out of the heat to take a load off and have a pint or two. The smell of their summer's sweat was intoxicating enough before the alcohol. We wedged out way up to the bar and ordered a bottle of jack to go. We stepped back out onto the street hoping there were no open container laws and made our way to a small secluded park. We just sat there drinking and telling each other stories of the times when Graham would throw wild parties and we'd all be shit to the wind. When silence came between us we knew that words we just not needed at that time. That's how it is with best mates.. That's how it should be.

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haha FOOLS! [17 May 2004|04:25pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Today was really putrid
I got out of bed because I had to throw up. I'm really sick. I mean REALLY sick.

I feel sad, because Fiona and Britney are complete bitches. They told everyone I have an STD, just because I slept with both of their boyfriends on Saturday night.

I'm so stoned.

Last night I had to masturbate twenty times. I'm so horny. Click here to see my website.

I want to tell the world to get fucked.

I am making this journal Friends Only because of the perverts and stalkers who only want to see my photos.

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's some photos of my cock.

I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go.

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you you're a moron.

I'm looking up chees online.

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this thought - sharing your life with strangers on the internet is the cheapest form of therapy available. Leave a comment and tell me I'm beautiful.

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[11 May 2004|03:41pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I've officially returned home today. I have an amazing post in the works in which I will tell you all about my trip. Unfortunately I'm feeling very ill. I think I'm suffering some form of anxiety and I really haven't analyzed it to see where it's coming from. There is this feeling that I'm hopped up on caffeine or a small dose of cocaine. My hands are trembling and it's difficult to type. My mind isn't in focus and I can't seem to equalize. There's so much I need to do and I don't feel as if I can do any of it. I'm wondering if I've finally overwhelmed myself by my over bookings. I'm constantly running hither and thither, never giving a second thought to where it is I really should be. I miss my friends and most of all I miss my daughter. I stood outside the school this afternoon just so I could scoop her into my arms for a hug and take her tiny hand to walk her home. She opened up her pack and should me the school work she had done for the day. she is an astonishing child and I adore her. I then dropped her off at Suzi's house and walked away feeling as if I'd been punched in the gut. I've been fighting the feeling but somehow it's consuming me. I should lay down. Or maybe I should walk..I can't decide what to do..

Edit: I redid my layout with the help of a sweet lass.. looks like some psychedelic album shite..hope you like it.

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[07 May 2004|09:05am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

If you are in AC can you please take me and the rest of Blur off your friendlist! a_james, Coxon_graham, cneat_james, and fionafied (who isn't part of blur but remove her because she doesn't play there anymore either) If you are keeping us because you enjoy reading our posts then just comment and say so. You will be left on

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leaving on a Jet plane. [28 Apr 2004|04:48pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I'm making lists again. Lists of things I need to do before I leave. Lists of things I need to pack. Lists of things I need to bring back with me or rather lists of people I want to bring something back for. Some of them mental, some of them I've written on small pieces of stationary. There is definitely something magical about paper and hand written words. It doesn't matter if it's a poem or a shopping list. There is an intrigue that you just can't find in the typed word. It's as if a part of that person's characteristics suddenly become tangible. Certain personality traits are revealed in handwriting. If you've ever had a hand writing analysis you'd know what I mean. It's just something I've always held a fascination with and so I'm making lists. However, I keep welcoming distractions that lead me away from my task. I realise I want to post this before I get on the plane but I'm afraid it will have to go out once I'm in the air.
I'm flying out to Nigeria, Africa this evening. I'll be doing work in Fela Kuti's studio with drummer Tony Allen and other member's of the Afro-beat pioneer's band. It's a combined collaboration. Something I'm really looking forward to.
They say you should set your affairs in order before you leave on any extended trip. This of course isn't something new to me. It's a routine these days. Something that I could probably do in my sleep, I've done it so often. There are trust funds and death benefits set up for Missy and Suzi. That is in the event of my ill demise. It's something that reminds you of how mortal you are. Reminding me of a friend who I recently comforted. Each morning she wakes she puts on her armour. She builds her walls and reinforces her defences. But it only took a moment of reality to send it crashing down. And now she claims she is moving on and her moment of epiphany has passed. I wish her luck. It's all I can do.
I saw Alex briefly. We spent a few quiet moments alone. Not much was spoken but then not much needed to be said. I often caught his eyes looking at the floor or the ceiling. It was as if he was avoiding my face. My eyes were a constant reminder that I would not be there to look at tomorrow. I haven't seen Angelina in days and I miss her as well. I'm not too worried as I know she had a trip coming up with UNHCR. And that she wanted to spend as much time with Madness as she could before leaving him. Missy and I had some special one on one time as well. She drew me a picture of an aeroplane with me hanging out a window waving. Somehow I see the irony in it. I'm taking it with me in my guitar case. I'm going to use it as my inspiration in the studio. A reminder that I'm making the music for myself and for Missy and that is all that matters.

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[22 Apr 2004|11:56pm]
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[19 Apr 2004|03:52pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I grew up in Colchester, Essex. I attended six form at Stanway Comprehensive. That's where I met Coxon. We had several classes together and I had taken notice of him a few times. He was always quiet and kept his head down and his hands in his pockets. His shag brown hair hanging over his thick rimmed glasses. Not much different than he is now. He minded himself. Chewed his fingernails and had a shite pair of brogues. He didn't have many freinds. But neither did I. It's to be expeceted when you move as often as my family had. My father was just starting a new job. It's hard to make friends when you don't know if you will be staying long.

I approached Graham one day just to tell him his shoes were crap and mine were the proper sort. I wanted to wind him up and see if he ticked. He looked down at them with eyebrows raised and nodded his head. Then he looked at me. He had that sort of look on his face, the kind where words are invalid. I knew what he was thinking. He wanted to shove my expensive shoes up my arse. And looking back I really don't blame him. I'm still in shock that the first words out of his mouth were, "what music do you fancy?" And not "sod off", or "up yours." Because as it turned out we both liked the same bands. We seemed to click and I invited him over to listen to Madness on vinal. Sitting in the middle of the floor not saying much of anything, I took out a pouch of clackers and we played at marbles. He won most of mine and I never saw them again. We were fast friends from then on. Graham wasn't they type I usualy hung with but something about him stood out. Or maybe, I just wanted to help him. He seemed so lost. Like a cat in the rain. I had the confidence he lacked. Was I like clueless? Thinking he was so clueless but it was really me? I wasn't liked much for my vanity. It gained me many nick names. Like "prat fag" and "posh stroke gay." I had always been very into the arts. I learned how to play violin and piano at a very young age. I was a weird child. But I didn't let the names bother me at the time. I knew who I was and had the aire to rise above the ignorance of others. Looking back now, those words really had left scars. Scars of things I burried deep inside of me. Now those words cut like a knife. "Damon I always knew you were a poofer. I always knew you'd grow up and kiss boys."

We don't plan who we are..... I look into the faces of Graham and Dave, faces I have known for so long. I only seek for them to treat me the same as they did before.

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It's your life [15 Apr 2004|10:24am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I'm going to be forward with something. It is something that is becoming less and less of a secret. There are those who know. There are those who pretend to know. And there are those who will find themselves in utter shock and disbelief.
I've come to the conclusion that life is to short to waste on formalities.

Over a period of time I have developed feelings for a certian person. Feelings that I often tossed aside and construed as confusion or caring. You spend enough time with someone You begin to care. And sometimes there are feelings that can be felt deeper than that. A drunken kiss brought reality to my door. I desired this person beyond the friendship level. I had been supressing these feelings far too long.

I want, need and love.....Him

And there are other factors involved. This is not meant to hurt anyone. Just to bring to light a simple truth. An honestly that must be revealed. And this does not in anyway negate or lessen my feelings for Angelina. She is close to my heart as well. She is something delightful and special. She is aware of what's going on. Claire is all too keenly aware as well. I want to tell her that I am sorry. This was not planned. This wasn't meant to of happened. I am not gay. I am not bisexual. I am just me and it was never about the gender. I fell in love with a human being. I've never had attractions to men and the thoughts of that still disturb me. He is different..

I'm leaving for Africa at the end of this month. I'll be away for sometime working with some very talented African musicians on an Album. It will be interesting to see what transpires while I'm away.

What will I come back to?

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