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beyond today.

little terror
I have what I believe to be a modest goal. I would like to avoid meeting broken people who prey on my hurts and insecurities, mine them, and then eventually try to use them to destroy me. I believed until very recently that I could accomplish this by only associating with good people. it turns out my plan will forever fail because of the faulty premise behind it; as it turns out, there are no good people.

and thus the only ways to reach this goal are to simply not have have room for insecurities, and to be impervious to hurt.

so I have decided to become perfect. I have learned that integrity, kindness, humour, creativity, respect and honesty are mediocre offerings. I must now be amazingly calm and unfailingly correct. ruthlessly beautiful. exquisite. pure. absolute. efficient. discerning. wealthy. measured. logical. intelligent. immaculate. seamless. whole.

I will be an expert at everything I do. every word will be devastating in its depth of meaning. every moment mined for the opportunity to be great. every movement adored and fetishized. I will become everything I have ever wanted to be and compromise for no one and nothing. and then I will never be destroyed.

and there will be no more talk of "offering", only of creating a sublime existence for my own enjoyment.

and then I will never have to feel this way again.

pets are problems

little terror
today while driving I was reflecting on the fact that I never actually write about cool things that happen to me. I mean, this summer has been full of awesome. I realized SO many dreams this year. I visited so many cool places. but I never wrote about Dawson City. I never wrote about the John Wayne party. I never wrote about the random guys from New Zealand. but that seems to be the theme of this year. a lot of momentous stuff happened that didn't make it into this LJ. for example, I never really wrote about 3Boyfriends, except for the epic triple breakup, and I wrote almost nothing at all about living in Quebec for like a quarter of the year. this worries me because I like to keep a diary of sorts, and I enjoy rereading them years later. I feel like I'm missing out by only writing about crazy dating dramz.

that said, some dating dramz happened but I am deliberately NOT writing about it today.

instead I will write about my creatures. they are giving me problems. I'm currently in a sketchy motel in Prince George and had given the hams free run of the bathroom, while my new tortoise has been wandering around the main room. I realized too late that the bathroom wall had a hole in it allowing any intrepid hams to escape into the main room or possibly the wall itself. I managed to collect all but one, who is still on the lam.

ham on the lam. hamlam. that's right fuckers.

earlier today I tried to rig up a more comfy, less drafty travelling situation for the hams but a couple managed to escape. so I was driving up hwy 16, the sun is setting, I hear a rustling, I look over and a hamster is perched on the passenger seat just staring at me. WTF!!!! apparently hams are not content to sit quietly in their cages and listen to Bat Out of Hell on repeat for six hours. who would have thought.

so here I am. bone tired and weary. it's 1 am. the drive has been shitty and I'm getting over a cold and haven't gotten a proper night's sleep in about three weeks. I keep hearing strange noises, scritching and scratching, thumping, rustling. I can't decide whether it's the tortoise, the escaped ham, a ghost, or some other creature altogether. I'm going to consult the internet and find out what noises tortoises are supposed to make, and that might help narrow it down. though if it's a ghost or 'other', I don't really want to know.

day... 7?

little terror
I am in Prince George, BC.

I drove through Jasper and am still picking pieces of my brain off my car interior.

Edmonton was okay. it feels like a Good Place. I liked the parts that I saw. I enjoyed people watching. I saw a creature working at the liquor store who looked like Lydia from Beetlejuice except it was like 7 feet tall, had pockmarked skin and bad taste in jewelry.

I also saw this guy outside Tim's:









he gave me these:






it made my day.

day 5

little terror
I have just arrived in Edmonton.

google maps says I have driven 1140 kms today. I believe it.

not much today. had some fun with the highway. in the prairies there is no infrastructure, they just randomly paved swaths of the ground and the other roads are gravel. and instead of taking a proper onramp to get on the highway you just drive onto it from whatever side street... or INTERSECT IT!!! like you wait till there is no traffic and then drive really fast to get from one side to another. I imagined the disaster that would ensue if they tried that with the 401. then I remembered that the prairies have like twelve people in it so it's not that big a deal to go driving around all willy nilly because there are no other cars on the road.

wildlife tally thus far:
four deer, a red fox, a bunch of crows, a bunch of geese, and a weird mongoose thing.
disappointing.

I am smelly, disgruntled, and really really confused what with all the leaping of time zones in the last few days.

this hostel is super awesome, though. all my worries were dissolved as soon as I checked in. except I am too tired and stupid to find the shower... and I am worried someone's going to jack my shit off my car while it is parked outside. how can one resist the turtle top!? other than that I am fine.

time for cigarettes and CHEESE FOR DINNER. then sleep.

did you know that edmonton is the city of champions? I am clearly a champion. I belong here!!!



ETA: I really had to pee when I was in Saskatchewan but there were no places. and I was all "I should just park and pee behind my car" but it was so flat I knew everyone on the highway, both coming and going, would be able to see me. finally I pulled off on New Finland Rd (???) where there were trees and some little bumps in the road that might obscure the vision of a passing driver, and drove down this random gravel path and peed on the ground like a civilized individual and then booked it before a farmer came and found me. the end.

Apr. 6th, 2010

little terror
when you ask someone, "is X a dealbreaker in this relationship?" because you really truly want to know, because if it is you need to move on so you can both be happy.

and they say, no it is not.

and then months or years later you find out that X is in fact a dealbreaker, it is a very big fucking deal and the other person has been resenting you or even hating you for "making" them do X.

and when you ask them why they said they were okay with it, they respond, "because I thought you would leave me if I said no." or "I thought you'd stay with me if I said yes."



well fuck. the purpose of me asking wasn't to present an ultimatum. the purpose of me asking was to FIND OUT, because I am a person who wants X and I want to be with someone who honestly, truly wants X. I am not trying to "make" you do X just so I can be pleased even though you'll be miserable. I am trying to make us both happy, that's all.

and by lying, you made us both even more miserable.

and then you blamed ME, even though it was YOU who couldn't man up and tell the truth about what you wanted. I was honest, you were not, now I look like the bad guy for wanting my needs met and trying to find out whether or not we were well matched so we could meet each other's needs.

day 3!

little terror
... isn't shaping up to be too exciting at the moment.

I slept in till 2. I was right about the crap beds. oh god did I ever need that sleep.

I called Emily a few times but can't get ahold of her. I think she said she was taking her daughter to her grandma's house for easter.

I want to go on a scenic tour of Thunder Bay, but I am scared.

new rules

little terror
- within a decade of age FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!

- no online dating

- learn appropriate red flags and use them to gtfo asap. don't waffle thinking "oh he's a good guy, I am probably making too big a deal out of this." if it is something like "his shoes don't match his belt" then okay that is acceptable. if it is something like "he deals with every conflict by hacking my email, reading my messages and then accusing me of being like his abusive mother who he hasn't talked to for 30 years" then NO NOT OKAY.

- listen to what people tell you. they will normally tell you everything you need to know about themselves in the first few weeks of dating. ie. "I'm insecure and I hate myself and I snoop in my gf's emails".

- when people say they are okay with open relationships, don't believe them


feel free to suggest more!

I win

little terror
aly: 2
skinny girls: 0





sorry skinny girls, ilu, but I'm bigger than ever and apparently have attained Peak Hotness.

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little terror
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intense, blistering waves of fuck you

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