I have forgotten this space; I should apologize to it.

I've been told by my colleagues, part of our job at the department is to write. And for a person to write well, they must right consistently. Regardless of what the subject matter is, words must flow from mind, to keyboard, to space. It also doesn't matter who reads it, for what is important is not that someone will read but that there is the potential of it being read, just like in the papers.

My days are filled with monotony; the greys, they line my life. But I get the best of silver linings; ever so often I get to see rainbows and the green of the other side. And that compensates for the grey. Grey then becomes a preclude. I look forward to grey, because it leads to so much more.

In trying to figure out why it is I am so cowardly in wanting someone, I realise that maybe it stems from having been a person that has never asked for the things she has. I don't come from a family that asks me what I want, because whatever it is I want I get without any trouble. My big want was always to get an education; my parents never thought of this as a want, for it really is a need. The trivial wants of cell phones and pairs of jeans don't count because they arent those I need.

And so here I am, in needing someone I do not know how to get, I gawk and secretly admire. I flitch and silently smile. I ponder upon states of being, and have secret conversations in my head about what it is that makes this person. I don't do and go for it  - people say I should. But it is beyond my comprehension to do so, because I simply do not know how. For a person who has everything (relatively), it isn't ingrained in me to pursue something, even if I know my want is really more a need.

I hypothesize my life to make it easier for me to live. I live in hypotheses. I theorize, and agree with my Self, then I forget the objective. I am aware; maybe that is a step forward.

SUFFICE to say I have not been good at updating, especially since tumblr became uber distracting. I still read your posts though, so don't stop!

In life's mundanity, I find solace in knowing it won't be such for much longer. 

I have also realised how costly my lifestyle is, and I don't really like it. I have been at home, reading books and sipping home-made coffee these past few days and it's great because I do not have to spend on much...except the books and the coffee; but it's homemade coffee that you buy in packets - RM4. I like to re-read my books, and I have quite afew still untouched so I'm basically set.

These times of silence I end up remembering; certain details of the past that I have forgotten, or simple forgot to remember come back as nostalgia, and it hits my consciousness like a brick to a pavement. We're not meant to dwell in nostalgia for long, for it begets a lack of appreciation for the present and future. But who can help but dwell.

 When I was in S.U., I made discreet notes on my study table at home, or on paper of which I would hide in my pencil case, or in my homework book that usually had more scribbles about self-pity than actual homework. And these notes were always to remind myself to work harder in school, and to not be lazy, or to always remember that I am not as stupid as I thought I was. It was always done to encourage my future self, to ensure self deprecation was overcome by the thought of success through getting perfect grades.

They never worked.

"Work hard! You are as smart as you allow yourself to be!"

"Laziness is not a form of virtue!"

These I would take seriously until I was distracted by boredom or anger, then later I found some friends and they became a great distraction. I was a very angry kid, mostly stemmed by being misunderstood by my parents and my peers. It was all very reactionary.

But after I entered university, these notes were not necessary. I didn't have to remind myself to work hard. So those notes were replaced with scribbles of love, and whatnot. Alot more entertaining for me than pseudo-motivational one-liners.

 I've boiled down my lack of motivation to find a job to my lack of courage in wanting to start something new in my life, and to inevitably change as a person to suit the world. 
The world is mean and I am scared of it.

But my mom is mean and I live with her everyday. So I guess there is some lesson to be learnt having a mother like her.

I went to Bali and Singapore. Bali was alot less exciting than I expected, it was disappointing and though I had the enthusiasm to speak of it when I first got back from the trip, I don't anymore as it doesn't matter in the present. I chalk it up to false expectations, and immaturity. Singapore was awesome; not only because of the festival,but because I got to go with Ina. I love Ina ahahahahah. I wish for us girls to have more trips together, for you guys have become my soulmates; with the world changing around us, it's nice to know some things don't. OK enough with being sentimental.

UK was nice. Nice and stressful. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be; my mom didn't throw any overt tantrums and my dad was being awesome and Sarah was fine. UK itself was what I expected; cold, and unamusing - same goes to the people. But I was glad I got to see Lula and Lali. I even managed to see Mooza, who brought me to an Anarchic/Post-existentialist Drag Queen show who was hosted by a ...person who was also, and not surprisingly, Freudian. That was the highlight of London for me, for I do not like the place, and probably never will.

I have two weeks before my part time tutoring job starts, though I don't even consider it a job as I'm required to watch alot of movies, read about film theory and talk crap about the two at tutorials. It sounds more like fun than anything else, but thats just the nerd in me speaking. My father has given me three months to set myself straight (no pun intended) and find a job worth having. Worth having; that is my worst nightmare, looking for something like that. Am I meant to grow up and look for a job that pays? Is that all growing up is meant to be? I always find it rather impotent to fall into such an expectation. And my are the expectations there; my mother has been dogging me about the types of jobs I can do, she has narrowed it down to Civil service via diplomacy, and working for Petronas. My dad thinks I can do whatever I want, but he would be happy if I did the latter. I won't be happy in the long run doing either, so yeah. The proverbial dilemma. I've honestly become tired of thinking of what to do, and I'm pretty damn sure the people around me have had enough of it as well. 

I want to be happy. But happiness is a distraction in a world of consumerism and shiny things. 

New Year's resolution:
-to turn 24
-to fall in love (YES, I want to be in love. It looks like alot of fun, and it seems like something worth the effort. Shashi once said being in love is a choice, and I've chosen.)

Amin.

No one is updating anymore hahahah. I'm currently at Starbucks, reading and doing work. I was upset a week ago because of the extension, but yesterday as I was about to sleep, and as that heavy headed feeling lingered, I felt relieved of its presence because it was familiar. Since university, I've enjoyed doing school work. We all know how much I love doing what I do so I won't get into that AGAIN but I suppose as much as I disliked the idea of doing the same shit I've been doing for ten months, at least I know I'd rather do this than something else. 

I find it a triumph of sorts that I didn't have to fool myself into thinking I could live in a lab coat all my life or God Forbid become a lawyer, cause I know I would not be as happy as I am right now. Debbie's mom always likes to rant about deb's and my younger days when she's drunk, and this was no exception during their Christmas dinner. One story she never NEVER fails to tell for some reason is how I used to look so angry and sad. She says I smile so much more now. I'm glad someone notices, even if it's only during her state of intoxication.

Anyway, we had our last Sunday of the year last weekend and 2010 has been eventful and really nice to me and for that I am grateful. Now on to greater things!

What good is company if not for what it provides? In the end nothing anyway, of no good.

December has not started the way I wanted it to; I still have not handed in my thesis, I suppose to my defense it isn't my fault I've had to extend its due date but the fact that everyone else has is making me feel disgustingly incompetent. I feel so inadequate knowing my hard work all year has not been validated by the simple act of submission. The new due date is this Friday, and I'm all set to hand it in then BUT my supervisor has mentioned how we might have to extend that to Monday. Another weekend of this, and my head will explode. I am jaded; reading my own words over and over again can become an activity even a narcissist will hate. I can't quite blame my supervisor, although it is all I do; his mother has cancer and she is in the hospital right now, and he is generally a busy man BUT then again all of this doesn't discount him from doing his job, especially when I have been doing mine. I don't know. I've been waiting for my chapters so I can edit, and I'm waiting as we speak. He promised my chapters at 1pm today, and I still don't have them. He used Insya Allah, way to work religious sympathy. He just pisses me off, and although it isn't fully warranted, I feel that it is. IT ISSS!

So this is why December has been shit so far. When you've been waiting so long to feel accomplished, and someone stands in the way of it, it makes you feel like an incompetent douchebag. DOUGHEBAG is how I feel. Also because Paulista is like leaving in nine days and I was really looking forward to spending time with her with no thoughts of guilt or work, and yet here I am; she times our dinners and tea times cause she knows I have to get back to work.

End of incessant rant, and lack of empathy. I really do hope his mom is alright; the worst person in the world shouldn't endure the worry he has to go through.

Tonight I tried to write my acknowledgements for my thesis. I thought maybe I shouldn't do the normal template, and go with something alot more obscure.

"Nothing, like something, happens anywhere" - Philip Larkin
From whence I started, to here I end, and quietly I thank; seemingly gratuitous, and ungracefully hiding gratitude.

Tentative at the moment, but I'm sure my lack of care that has technically overrode the whole thesis will mean I will just use this come Tuesday.

I don't like it, but I don't hate it either - just like my thesis.