Sunday evening: i have a panic attack in the shower when i randomly think of what was done to me literally ages ago. It was idiotic but i really felt my neck constrict, and it took an effort to callm down.
But i still maintain i've survived.
Can't sleep at all because the neighbours have a party till six in the morning (and my alarm demands my groggy arse to get up at eight).
Monday: work begins. I go in with intense trepidation. Nearly everyone is fantastic and wonderful and within fifteen minutes we're all laughing and chatting comfortably.
I make a lot of new pals. My immediate favourites are beautiful Laura, who's older than me by six days and eight hours and is such a sweetheart; another Laura, boisterous and seriously multitalented and friendly, who promises me lots of scalp massages and to teach me her skills (like sewing!) in exchange for teaching her grammar; Liisa, who is dead-on a döppelganger for Anniina, right down to her voice; and Kaapo the amazing therapy dog who's scared of people and whom i bribed to be my friend with some snacks. (it worked.)
Veggie lunch is a delicious salad. I'm positively surprised.
We spend the first day chilling out, getting to know each other a bit and painting our own coffee mugs. I decorate mine with an artsy Ariel and the Scottish saltire.
My membership card for the place says member #1 on it, since i was the first in the office to get it. (should've waoted to be 007!)
Leaving the place, Laura compliments me on my bracelet scar design and tells me about her scars. (i think i'm the only one in the entire place who refuses to wear short sleeves. It's wonderfully relaxing and not strange at all to see everyone's arms.) i mean, i've known this person for four hours and we're already discussing our scars.
Going home, i realise i haven't checked my phone all day. I haven't wanted to go on facebook, which i've avoided for over a week now. I haven't even thought of all the bad things at all, at ALL, during the day.
I see A looking wretched, absolutely miserable, and i laugh with glee at him.
I'm amazed at the day.
Tuesday: i wake up feeling sick to my stomach at five. At six thirty i give in and go shove fingers down my throat. Icky water comes up. I wonder if yesterday's salad dressing included egg. Anxiety for next week's dates bugs me.
At work, i bribe Kaapo again, check the allergy list to see my name is there, admire my and everyone else's mugs and go cheer at the people who are throwing theirs at the wall with a lot of shards flying about. What a delightful way to start the day! We start decorating our portfolios and i find a stash of pages from a torn-apart fauna encyclopaedia. I spend about half a bottle of Erikeeper glueing everything on my portfolio, but time runs out anyway and i have to stack it away till Friday.
Workshop sign-up sheets excite everyone, but i get in all the groups i want: dance and body control, creative writing, drama, and making books for the blind. (and now i wonder if i should have signed up for the yoga as well...)
Once again the lunch is amazing - freshly baked homemade French bread with sundried tomato paste makes me drool, and the also homemade coconut-veggie soup makes my breath smell like a Bounty bar for all day. Kaapo tries to steal my insulin pens, mistaking them for his treats. I don't even regret not bringing a book in (not even when i find out vampire Lestrade makes a cameo in it. I'll scream if Sherlock's in there too!). I check my phone just once, because i got my new medication recipe for the drug that recreates the same biochemicals as love, causes epileptic seizures and is a close relative of methamphetamine. I have a delightful little conversation about Disney animations with a junior boss staffer. I find out there are chastity, sobriety and arts&crafts groups after work, the latter of which is the only popular one.
Going home, i want to tell everyone i have the best job in the world for this summer. After two days i already know this. It's an easy ride from my home, the office space and the building are wonderful, especially now it's summer and it's so pretty out there, and most of the people are wonderful, boss staff in particular. Of course there are a few bad seeds, like the youth criminal, the obviously eating-disordered girl who wears horrible make-up, smacks her mouth loudly when eating and is generally all too high-strung, not to mention the tiny young lady who seems most likely to steal everything you own while you go to the loo and not even feel remorse about it when confronted. But all the amazing good pretty much negates out the bad. There's so much more to be positive about.
My new survival motto helps a lot, too.
And tomorrow i wake up at the crack of dawn to go hand-feed a tarantula at the Zoo, and i'm most worried about getting through the gate with my VIP ticket (whichs amounts to saying my name to the security guard).
I even got my first time-based bus ticket in yeeears today! I told the lady to give me six weeks starting from tomorrow,, but she gave me two months starting immediately. I was pissed off at first, but a quick math session told me i got off a lot cheaper. 40 euro for two months of unlimited bus travelling, when i've spent twenty every two weeks up until now.
Everything works out!
The only heartbreak i pay attention to, apart from a little cry about Hanna's dad's behaviour in Flawless, is Helmi perching herself on my bag every morning while i'm in the loo. Her overspilling joy when i come back home makes up for it.
Impromptu singing sessions in the foreseeable future.