i thought too much...you won't find anything worth redeeming

die young and save yourself

omg so it's my b-day today (actually, yesterdsay,) and this guy asked if i was pregnant. lol that is so depressing, like, kill me now! happy birthday, you have a fat fucking gut that makes you look pregnant! yayyyy!! so we wanted to go to the hodder, but robyn's car broke down on the middle of fort william road. so that sucks. CAA came for them, and we had to take a cab, so we decided to go to C-Folds. Whatever....I'm so depressed that people think I'm pregnant! oh and those same people broke my pipe! shitty deal. did i ever mention i hate guys?

So I am having extremely weird and detailed (and long!) dreams lately. Yesterday afternoon I dreamt that I was in a park playing Yoshi's Island for Super Nintendo (?) but I was playing it with a Guitar Hero guitar controller. Anyways I was doing this while swinging on the swings, and I heard someone call my name, but I was also listening to headphones so I pretended not to hear. When I looked up there were gangstas surrounding me with guns pointed at my head, so I ran like hell into the arms of an awaiting police officer. Oh yeah and Amie was there. Not too sure what she was doing.
Then later I dreamt that Miranda and I were sitting on my bed at my grandma's house, and we were mad because we didn't have any weed or other drugs. So we decided to crush up all of my Paxil and smoke and snort it. hahaha. Then my dad came down and wanted to take Nikkie (the dog) for a walk in some random forest-y area. So we did, and I was tripping out hardcore, like I could barely walk and was on the brink of death, because of these drugs I did. My dad had to call the police and they came to get me and took me to rehab because they thought I was addicted to angel dust. Rehab was a very detailed place with lots of fucked up people. I made one friend there and together we had to dodge the advances of really gross old men (it was a combination rehab/psych ward). Then in the cafeteria some of the girls decided to make a rehab "strip club" and everyone went up to take a turn, even the very unattractive girls, and the men. Except I was too afraid, so I went to the fancy rehab diner and had dinner with my aunt.

...I wonder what this means. Well, I know that it means I go to Centerfolds too much, that's for sure. I LOVE fucked up dreams like that though. It kind of makes me want to go to sleep, just so I can dream. How poetic.

In further news, while I was walking to work today (all the way across the street), I tripped on a curb and fell HARD on my knees on the pavement. There's a HUGE scrape on my knee, bigger than any I ever had when I was a kid that seemed to bleed buckets for hours. And below that is a big fucking deep gash, it has to be a few centimetres deep, and the skin is just peeling off. I also ruined my jeans. And it still hurts. Wahhh. I felt like a five year old. But seriously...I'm such a fuckin klutz!

Well, there's nothing to do here at work so I guess I'll practise some Spanish!

so over this.
Ughhhhhh my dad is so friggin IRRITATING. He just called to tell me he has to pick me up later because he has "something to tell me." I HATE HATE HATE when people say something like that, and don't tell you on the spot. I asked what it was about ten times, but he just said, "he'll tell me later" and "don't say anything to anybody." This drives me crazy...now I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon sitting here thinking what it could be, and the ideas are just going to get worse and worse as the day drags on. It's either going to be something ridiculous that I don't care about and he's just being dramatic, or it is actually something serious like, oh i don't know, he's dying or my grandpa or grandma has cancer, or something like that. I don't know why or how he would know that, or why he would choose to bestow such information on me like that. Actually I do, because he loves to be the bearer of bad news. But I'm overreacting. I have no idea what it is. But I'm being driven insane wondering.
I see where I get my dramatic nature. It's annoying, and I apologize.

Well I just called and got him to come get me now, so we shall find out.

does anyone even use this thing anymore?? probably not. i wouldn't either if i wasn't so damn frustrated. my dad's side of the family is driving me crazy. not one day goes by without a conversation about how fat i am. everyday i hear "you should be drinking water instead!" or "you don't need that cookie!" or "you should walk the dog!" or "you should cancel your cell phone and pay for a gym membership instead" or "you should weigh what you did when you were sixteen" or "well THAT's not your natural body weight!" JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP. i am not blind, nor retarded. i can see that i am not the skinniest person in the world. i know that that pepsi and that cookie are not going to aid me in weight loss. i know i was a stick when i was sixteen. i also know that i'm twenty now and being 115lbs is probably not realistic. thank you so much for the reminder, family. i feel so enlightened. my mom wonders why i'm so self-conscious, well, this is probably the reason. if i am even one pound overweight, that's all my family can talk about. i don't think i've had one conversation with my grandpa in the past four years that hasn't revolved around me being fat/eating too much/not excercising enough. He even went so far as to say that he's worried about "losing me," as if i am going to be walking to the car one day and simply drop dead of obesity. like, i'm not THAT fat. truth is, i don't really care that much. it sucks to be overweight, and ideally i would like to lose weight at some point. however, i like to eat, and i hate to excercise. i don't eat that terribly either. i'm not going to give up something i enjoy (eating) for something i detest (excercising) because my family of all people is not happy with my weight. aren't families supposed to be the people that love and respect you for who you are? they aren't motivating me to lose weight. i don't even think they see me as a normal person anymore. they just see like an ugly ball of lard. i don't even like being around them because i just feel like they're looking at me and judging me, which they are. and one of these days i'm going to flip out on them. actually i told my grandma all this yesterday, quite angrily, which is unfair because she's the only one who doesn't call me fat. and now that my mom is on this big working-out/eating healthy kick, it's even worse. they have a new insult to add to their vocabularies - "carling, even your MOM is doing better than you." love you too!

in other news, nicole's mom is eloping in vegas with her boyfriend and moving to his house in PA. she's leaving nicole and chantal with her current house, but still paying for it, and all they have to buy is groceries. nicole is ecstatic. why can't my mom elope with her friggin girlfriend (somewhere where it's legal, of course), move to red rock, and leave me the house?? it's more likely that she would just say, "carling, barb's moving in - you now have to abide by HER rules." somehow she's already influenced my mom to stop letting me smoke pot. ugh i'm so bitter and frustrated. lol.

oh, and my cat missy died the other day. so sad. :( i miss her.

me and nicole are horrible. both of us constantly complain about not being able to find a good guy who treats us well and also happens to be good looking. now we both have that and don't want it!! i don't know why i don't particularly like my guy...he's really into me. he's very stereotypically "hot," tall, very preppy, dresses very well, is a friggin personal trainer, relatively rich, etc. etc. calls me beautiful all the time, wants to buy me all sorts of stuff, walks me to the door, holds doors open/pulls out chairs for me...but do i like him?? nahhh. give me a guy who is an ugly asshole and i'll probably take him. wtf is wrong with me??

so friggin sad...
Nicole's dad died about an hour and a half ago. They thought he was going to make it, but he didn't. This is so sad, I can't imagine losing one of my parents to suicide. How could he leave behind his two beautiful daughters?? I don't blame him, but it's hard to understand.
Nicole can barely talk right now she's crying so much, understandably. oh my god i feel so bad.

Yesterday Nicole called me and said she was at the hospital because her dad was in the ICU, but no one would tell her or her sister why. They didn't find out until much later that he had tried to kill himself yesterday. He drove out somewhere and overdosed on Tylenol and passed out. If the cops hadn't found him he would be dead. I'm not really shocked because I know he's been really depressed for awhile now, but I am extremely sad about it. Poor Nicole and Chantal are absolute wrecks right now and I don't blame them. I guess they finally were allowed to visit him last night and he kept telling them "this is the last time I'm going to see you guys, I'm not going to make it through the night." Ugh, so sad. She called me and picked me up to drive around for a bit because she knows that my dad tried to kill himself too and I went through the same thing. But it doesn't seem like the same thing to me it seems much worse for them. I guess I did go through it, but I was just so used to extremely shitty stuff happening that I went to camp the next day. Nicole's family has always been very Brady Bunch - even she will admit that. Nothing bad has really happened to them before this pretty much ever, which makes it alot harder.
Of course I'm sure he did make it through the night because he has to have a nurse with him 24/7. It's a good thing that he's in the hospital now, at least he'll be able to get the help he needs. They're really worried what's going to happen when he's out of the hospital though, because he doesn't really have anything. He lives in a little apartment with his sister, he lost his job, he barely ever sees Nicole and Chantal. Nicole feels especially bad because she's been mad at him for awhile for not doing anything with his life.
I guess it shows that no family is perfect, and I thought that would make me happy but it doesn't.
Thunder Bay must be the suicide capital of Canada. There have been so many recently. It's weird that two best friends, both who had awesome childhoods, have had their dads try to commit suicide.
I hope he's okay. I feel stupid even feeling this bad about it, because I can only imagine how bad Nicole and Chantal feel.

ahahah i'm so irrationally excited. there's this website iamonmtv.com that's basically like the myspace for people on mtv shows who aren't really celebs, but more like reality show contestants...and since i am the #1 a shot at love fan, i thought i'd peruse. and it's so awesome, you can send them messages and shit and, presuming they're not assholes, they reply. so i've already got three replies!! makes me rethink who i want to win! haha. I'm sure no one knows or cares what I'm talking about, but I don't care 'cuz I'm just so excited!!

Mama's Boy Michael said:
"Thanks, you know I used to go to Montreal for new years alot back in the day but not this year, if you ever venture down south you should try to reach me. And I'm actually in the process of moving in with some friends in Jan. I'll keep you posted on that."

Little Italy Domenico:
"Ciao bella, i send you a lot of loveeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"

and sexy Eric:
"lol..thanx for the love young"

so clearly Michael is my new fav haha...
Still awaiting replies from: Brandi, Ellie, Dani, and Keasha...all the girls! bitches better get back to me!

OMG i am so lame.

R.I.P. Corey Hakli
The cousin of my best friend from my childhood (Ashley Stewardson) hung himself on Thanksgiving. I haven't seen him in years, but when we were younger we played together quite often, and I had a huge crush on him back in the day. I wish I did know him more recently, because he seems like an amazing person. It's sad that on Thanksgiving, a day where we're supposed to be happy and grateful for all we have, someone is in so much pain that they feel the need to kill themselves, especially someone as wonderful as Corey. Something should be done to help these people. I know that I have wanted to kill myself many times, but after seeing all the pain that this has caused his family and friends, my mind has definately be changed. But I still think that people realize that depression is not something to be ignored...it's not just a part of growing up or wanting attention, or anything else. It's serious, and I think that suicides have become far too common, because people don't give depression and other mental disorders the attention they deserve. I really feel for Corey because there have been so many times I have been on the brink. The only difference is that he is far braver than me, even though that may not be a good thing. I attended his funeral today at the Slovak Legion, and there were hundreds of people there. Obviously he was immensely loved. The slidshow and speeches were heartbreaking. I hope Corey is doing much better wherever he is now, free of all the hardships of this world. And I hope his family and friends, particularly his mother, for whom he was her only child, are able to carry on.


Corey Alexander Hakli, age 22 years, passed away on Sunday, October 7, 2007.

Corey was loved by all his family and friends, and he ensured that everyone knew he loved them too. He was a personable, generous, and open-minded person. He always made everyone feel comfortable, with his charismatic and humorous personality. "Hakli didn't shake hands... Hakli hugged". He was always willing to lend a helping hand, even if that meant giving you the shirt off his back, literally. He was dignified by his actions and excelled in everything he did whether it be guitar, a new job or even fish tank maintenance. Corey was intelligent, he enjoyed books by his favourite authors Noam Chomskey and Naomi Klein.

Corey was passionate about world issues, and kept up with the times with his infinite amounts of Ad Busters magazines. He called himself an "optimistic pessimist" He spent many summers hanging out with his friends playing hacky sack and enjoying the fine outdoors of Westfort.

Corey had many dreams and plans to travel, go to school, live in Paris, to be involved in a G8 summit, and get a tattoo from James Tex. He was one of a kind, with his heart of gold and his unique perspective on life. He loved all animals, especially his cats. He would feel guilty if he stepped on an ant. He had a growing interest in Quantum Physics, and could absorb the complicated material with ease. He loved his mom Marjorie, and admired his dad Grant.

Corey will be sadly missed by his mother Marjorie Ulmanis, father Grant Hakli (Diane Prystay), siblings: Alex Hakli, Sasha Prystay, Erin and Cory Quesnelle, grandparents Andy and Lori Ulmanis. Numerous aunts, uncles, cousins and numerous friends also survive. He was predeceased by his grandparents William and Marion Hakli and Aunt Karen.

A celebration of Corey’s life will be held on Thursday, October 11, 2007 at 1:00 P.M. at the Slovak Legion, 801 Atlantic Avenue. If friends so desire memorial donations to the David Suzuki Foundation or to City of Thunder Bay Animal Services would be greatly appreciated.

Cheers to you
Corey Alexander Hakli
"upsies downsies outsies insies"

now that my rant is done...
My dad is moving to the Dominican Republic at the beginning of October. I'm going to miss him so much, I don't know what I'm going to do. How could he just leave me here? This time it's for real...we had to find homes for all of the cats. I know that once he gets here he won't even think about me. He'll be relaxing at the beach with sexy ladies and lots of booze and primo marijuana. If I had any money at all I'd be down there in a heartbeat. I know it's selfish, because he'll have the time of his life...but I want him to stay. He's the only one that understands my life.


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