mr. jones

my head is .. empty.
i don't even know what i'm thinking about.
my new folder is covered in [new] dashboard lyrics.
it's all that's been playing in my head for days now.
and that's cause i don't have anything else to listen to.

my new layout is fucking hot.
hotter than your mom on a pogo stick ..
or a trampoline, for the selected few that has a mother with a trampoline.

ergggwlkf vlk wip345jt9opjnegv;lnsd;glnsf
fuck.

i don't know! i don't know what mood i'm in, how i'm feeling, how i feel about certain issues, i just don't know. i feel like no one likes me right now, but for some reason i am not going to be bothered by it. i am going to skip on my merry little way. there i go. i'm merry.
no, fuck, that's not it either.

i'm trying to envision myself doing something, anything, so i could just put my finger on my mood right now. nothing is working. the only compelling things i can think of are things like putting something on my head like one would put on a bandana, and tying it REALLY tight so that i could pay more attention to the existence of my head right now. it's so light, i can't stand it.

ahh elisa just sent me neely o'hara.
this song .. right now .. makes me think of casette tapes. and old wallpaper, and vinyl records. it makes me see a tiny person standing on a record while its spinning around and around, with wood and glass cabinets lining the old yellow wall-papered walls.
and then the girl on the record falls off.
and no one notices her, on the floor, not breathing.
until she wakes up in bed with hot coffee next to her, which is just waiting for her to drink it.
and then she goes to work, and does her usual rutine, but it doesnt feel familiar, she feels like shes looking at everything for the first time, but no thought is going through her head. she is sitting in an antique shop, on an old dusty couch, looking out the glass windows and seeing the black and white world of fast moving cars and litter on the sidewalks. and then her heart stops working and she grabs at the air and falls on the ground as the shop closes up because it closes up early every day.

do you think that someone paints your mirror?
yes im listening to it again.

im like .. not here. i dont fucking feel like im here. i want to lay down, but i cant feel enough of my head right now. it doesnt feel like its there and i dont want my body to be laying down headless.

im going to look back on this entry and call myself a loser and laugh and be embarassed for myself. but it's ok, that's what my life is made up of. la la la fuck la la la.

i want someone to come up to me and take pictures of me like a black and white movie star, with big glittery sunglasses and a dress that only helps me live. and i want to be pushed onto some fake set set in china and star next to a small chinese woman in a movie with subtitles.

isnt it just sometimes hard to believe that this is your life? THIS IS YOUR LIFE. THIS IS YOUR FUCKING LIFE.this isnt some movie youre just watching .. some movie that was done so well that it feels real. if you throw yourself at a wall, its gonna hurt. i always feel like its so weird that i contain a life that no one else can contain, cause it's mine, isnt that just a weird thought ? you can look at someone at a diner and try to picture their homelife. does that spanish lady have an abusive boyfriend waiting for her at home ? or does she still live with her parents, because she was never social enough to go out into the world? life is like a movie, youre always watching people, wondering about things, watching yourself, wondering about yourself.

HOW IMPORTANT IS ONE LIFE ?
look at me ! look! IM A LIFE ! i can run, i can jump, i can cry, i can smile ! i have emotions ! arent you jealous ? i can scream it on top of my lungs that I AM A LIFE! i can destroy myself in less than 100 seconds or i can attempt so very hard to stretch out this silly thing called a life for as long as possible, like a game that im trying to win and the objective is to live till 1000. im going to win! IM GOING TO WIN THIS GAME!

i need to stop posting before someone locks me away.

you ever wake up, start your day, end up somewhere that you are every day and realize that a year ago you were in a different place, and do you ever think back to how much things have changed .. and when the changes took place before your eyes, and at the time you had no clue it would change your every day in a way so insignificant to yourself that you wouldnt think of it until that very second of this thought ?

neely o'hara for the fifth time in a row. nifty little machine keeps playing it over. - pets the machine -


**EDITEDITEDIT
yeah i need to keep going to be satisfied.

I WANT TO TELL EVERYONE THE BRUTAL TRUTH ABOUT THEIR EXISTENCE RIGHT NOW. how people only pretend to love doing certain things because it makes them feel a certain way, but they dont really love doing it. they love pretending. they love lying to people and making themselves look like something else. like a poster. like the epitome of who they want to be. the imperfect vision of themselves is how they want to be, it is secretly the true way they wish to be. it is perfect to them. it needs to be. YOU DONT GO TO SHOWS BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU HAPPY. you go to shows because you like the way people look at you and know that you are at a show because they are in the same room as you, at the same show, you like the feeling of an unsure smile that appears to look oh so sure as people fold into you and crush your intestines through the pushing, as your eyes trace across the faces of the people you know are probably better than you, as they look at you and your friends the same way. little miss know it all.
HEY REFLECTION. you only do things for the approval of other people. you really do, YOU REALLY DO ! isnt it funny ?

you may be looking for answers but youll never find them, simone.

the sad part is that this whole entry has come from the very core of my heart, the very place where my blood is washed and pumped clean. it comes from the thing inside my head where my thoughts are produced, this is truth in my head, this is all truth, every word. im not pretending. im not clear-coated. you can see through me right now. look harder. it wont last for long, this is the one time you can read everything. everything. exciting.

FIN.