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[08 Dec 2006|11:37pm] |
I don't know why, but I'm so incredibly unstable at the moment. I'll go from being rather happy and talkative/bouncy, to wanting to rip something apart and feel it's gore in my hands. Then go from there to quiet contemplation, only to flip into a mood that taints the air with it's venom.
I really don't understand. There's a minimal trigger, I can't deny that. But it's very generally nothing at all. And there's some little things that are really effecting me lately.
An example:
I bought myself a new shirt while I was on the AFI concerts. It cost me 40 dollars, and it's my favourite AFI shirt. It was a girl's size since there were no good ones in the boy's sizes. It fit me tight, but really well.
I REALLY liked it. My favourite AFI shirt, good price, and fit perfect.
Wore it once.
Brought it home, Mum washed it. And clothes dried it. It's now shrunk that much that it's tight on my sister, who's 7 years younger than me. So she just got herself a new T-shirt.
Reading it, it doesn't seem that bad. But it makes me feel physically sick, every time I think about it. My brand new, 40 dollar t-shirt, that I really wanted, was really pleased to get, and really liked, ruined by my mother. I can't buy the same shirt again, 1) Because it took me almost a year to find that particular one, and 2) because my sister now has it, I can't wear the same one.
So 40 dollars, for a shirt for my sister. The first shirt I've bought myself in almost 6 months. And Mum didn't even apologise.
She actually told me off, for buying a shirt that was 'so small'. I shouldn't have bought a 'girl's t-shirt'. It fit PERFECTLY, yet I shouldn't have bought it. She ruined it, didn't apologise. Critisised me when SHE ruined my shirt. Didn't even offer to replace it.
First piece of clothing in 6 months, and she didn't care that she'd ruined it.
She still doesn't get it. Hell, I don't get it. I can't figure out why it makes me feel ill every time I think about it, or why I nearly cry. WHY does it make me so upset?
I think it could be a symbol of my possessions. Of 'me'. How I'm totally disregarded by my parents. It doesn't matter when they upset me, or hurt me, or disappoint me. Or insult me. Or whatever else they want to do. It doesn't matter when my stuff is damaged or ruined, because it's only mine.
There's no respect. I don't get any respect. At all. From anyone. And I can't deal with it. My ruined shirt is just a symbol of that, I think.
I don't understand how it can be possible that I stand out so much in public and social sitautions that I'm usually the first to be insulted, used, or otherwise negatively focused on (and I don't so much mind the attention), but then totally slip under the radar of notice at home. How can I go from being the biggest blip on the screen, to something that doesn't register?
How can I mean so little to those damn bastards, that they don't even respect me enough to not damage my possessions?
Seriously.. What the fuck.
I want to explode. I think it's going to happen. I don't think it'll really matter, because I do it often enough without a reason. I don't get anywhere before I do it again anyway, so why the fuck wait, huh?
Heh. Maybe if my emotional generators exploded again, I wouldn't have to put up with all these confusing fuckin' emotions. Self-sabotage MAY just have it's uses.
But no, that'd be a stupid idea. Because I can't fuckin' fix myself! I'd just be another annoying little dot on someone's radar, in desperate need of help yet again. Too fuckin' pathetic to help myself, so I need others.
Right.
Fuck this bullshit. I'm better than being used by people, rejected by others, and ignored by yet more. It's everyone else's loss if they fuckin' miss out on me, not the other way around. I know I'm not a nice person, but it's still their fuckin' loss.
Fuck it all. Life, the universe and everything. All a big waste of fucking time. You get fucked around, fuck other people around, then fuck off. What a pointless existence plaguing an otherwise interesting place.
Blood. I need blood. To be shed and revelled in. Some poor waste of air, with a head full of dreams, a body not willing to take them there, and a soul full of darkness. Any human being on the planet.
Told you my moods flip around. Maybe something's ALREADY broken. Hooray for being in pain and/or fuckin' dependant again!
Hooray for living in constant discomfort and pain, wasting your time with something not worth waking for.
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[14 Nov 2006|01:42am] |
So when I first came online, I was good. Really, really good. Just happy, positive. I drove home well, have my concerts to look forward to in a few days, spent some time with Megan (who's an awesome girl and I love her to death... (she's just a friend, people))... I was just happy. Pleased. A nice feed, nice drink, fun conversation in #Psiscape...
Then I don't know what happened. My mood just started slipping. Nothing was said that may have offended me. Nothing was done that could've given me reason to lose my good mood. Yet slowly but surely, it faded.
Until I wound up in a very bitter mood. So much so I had one person say I was in a bad mood and being a downer, and another person explain to me exactly what the mood felt like. They were spot on (as they always are with me) which led me to wonder.
This person, whom I trust and give a concurrent second opinion to, said that what he felt was a strong bitterness, a sense of scorn. With this particular person, I always joke about women. We're both teenagers, why the fuck not. When I joke about them, in a negative way (or positive), you can usually feel the warmth beneath the comments. The nice-ness hidden inside.
Yet even said person was forced to say, "I can't feel any niceness in you". Let me think of how to explain it.
Even in my deepest, darkest moments (barring a few rare, and exceptionally frightening instances) there's always been a glowing ember of hope inside me. Hope that things will get better. That I'll find someone, find something, understand it all and be able to live with that knowledge. There's ALWAYS (see above) been that ember. That glow.
There was no glow tonight.
I wasn't depressed, and I'm certainly not now. I'm not even 'angry' in the true sense of the world. Bitter is pretty much the only term that comes to mind to describe it.
It's possible that the dark clouds of this mood have come in so tightly that the light inside has been totally obscurred or hidden. It's also possible that they've quelled that glow, quenched that fire. Since it really feels that way.
That's not to say there's nice in me. There is and always will be. But most people get it wrong. They see me being me, and think, "He's a nice guy. Pays people out but he doesn't mean it. Nice *nods*". I've had people INSIST that I'm a nice person.
Tonight, and presently, I'm not. There's 'niceness' enough for less than 5 people I know. Only that many are held in high enough respect for me to not doubt or distrust them.
Everyone else... Well.
I was just... Am just... Furious at the world and almost everything in it. Sick of matters of the heart, sick of matters of the mind. Sick of my body being frail and weak, and my energetic system being roughly similar.
Someone called me Emo. I laughed at them.
Even they knew they were wrong. They just couldn't find the right word to explain the general 'loathing' I feel for (almost) everything right at this moment.
Aforementioned person, who said I was bitter/scornful, remarked that it just wasn't 'me'. I think his exact words were:
Him: You feel weird.
Him: This doesn't even feel like you.
Why am I mentioning all of this? I don't know. I don't have any idea why I've slipped into such a dark place so rapidly. I don't understand why, instead of depression as it usually is, it's turned into anger, malice and spite.
So much I don't understand about it. Problem is, I don't exactly dislike it. Good protection against the hurts of stupid people, ne?
Also: I'm going to AFI on Thursday! Then Saturday! Then Sunday! So I'm leaving tomorrow, and I'll be back approx. one week after this Sunday. So in theory, I should be back in time to check a post or two, by 2 weeks from now.
This is going to rock my socks so hard, my sock drawer will be quaking, at home!
Thanks for listening, people.
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| Depressed and late at night. |
[11 Nov 2006|12:22am] |
It's funny, really.
I know why people cut themselves, or burn themselves, or hurt themselves. But more than that. I know why people go into cage matches, fights, etc. All that bullshit.
And I know that the pain stops mattering much. When you live in pain, more doesn't make a different.
It doesn't stack, or add up. It builds to a certain point, and stays there. You can only feel so much before you go numb. Both externally and internally.
And of course, when you feel too much inside, you go to a numbness that doesn't end. You die slightly. Not an irreversable death, but a death that makes you (made me, anyways) place slightly less value on life.
It makes me laugh.
I used to be scared of the dark. Deathly scared. I slept with my light on until the age of 13. Then suddenly, I didn't need it any more. And somewhat to my horror, I know why I didn't need it, what the catalyst was.
My fears used to stem from the unknown. I was afraid something would harm or kill me during the night. I never grew up with a sense of comfort or security, more a sense of insecurity, fear and worry. I spent so many nights laying huddled under my blanket, a narrow channel to breath through, shivering at the thought of what might be out there, lurking, waiting to take me.
I even had nightmares within nightmares. Something would crash through my window, I'd wake up shaking, only to have something emerge from beneath my bed and kill me. Wake up in the cold sweat characteristic of nightmare's, to be taken via the window again. Then by the foot of the bed, or by under it. My record was 6 death's in one dream.
So many years huddled under the blankets. Not such an unusual thing perhaps, but to last until 13, with the light blazing every night... Not so common.
Then came my change, the removal of the light, and the total lack of need for a blanket. I wasn't afraid of sleeping by an open window. I in fact relished it, enjoying the breeze, the moon and the pure vulnerability.
In one simple step, I'd gotten over my fear of the dark and unknown. I stopped caring whether I lived or died. My life no longer mattered to me, and the thought of something coming through the window to eat me alive, or take me away for torture before devourment... No longer frightened me.
I spent so many nights laying there, willing something to come and end it all. To take me by the throat and make me a creature of the night, to ravage me in bed and leave a grisly reminder of why you should fear the night.
At 19 years of age, I carry a slight fear of the unknown, yet not a true fear of death or destruction. On occassion, I'd welcome the vicious attack of something intending to end me.
Nineteen and I don't value my life.
Don't get me wrong. I love life and everything in it (to a degree). I just don't really care whether I live or die.
Perhaps that's because I know a little about what comes after. Or perhaps I've realised that no matter how famous I become, no matter what I do, I won't be remembered by anyone.
Perhaps it just really doesn't matter. It does scare me somewhat, though.
Anyways, what originally started this post. Pain.
People are so afraid of pain. Yet it doesn't matter to me at all. Being punched, cut, kicked or hit. It just doesn't matter. I hate the marks it leaves, I hate all marks on my body that don't look stylised. Bruised, cuts, scars, hickeys, all of them. But the pain doesn't matter.
You see so many people afraid of being hurt. I dislike the aftereffects, but the pain itself is something so trivial and ignoreable that it's funny when people get scared of it.
I enjoy it. Helps me get just that little bit of life-fire back into me.
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[10 Nov 2006|09:53pm] |
Swiped from Storm-face.
You get to ask me 3 dirty questions ... Any 3 questions, no matter how crazy it is, and I will answer them truthfully in a future post.
The catch is, of course, that you have to repost this and see what people ask you....So go for it!
COMMENTS ARE ALL SCREENED!!!
Do it or die, pussies. Don't be afraid. I'll bite, but only sexily for blood.
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[15 Oct 2006|01:20am] |
Oi, I'm pretty sure Michelle Branch is one of the most attractive people alive today. I'm so totally in love with her music, her vocals, her lyrics and her features. She's so... Incredible.
She's my goddess.
Going on four years and I can still listen to her lyrics with the, "Aaahhh" a teenage girl feels when her boyfriend says he loves her. Hear her voice and feel my troubles fade slightly, look at a photo and melt.
But you get that when you're obsessed/in love with a celebrity icon.
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[09 Oct 2006|02:55pm] |
I often wonder just why I bother. When it becomes obvious my presence is more tolerated than it is enjoyed...
When I'm more some amusement to play with when it's suitable, than someone to take seriously and donate some time to.
More and more often it happens. Leaves me wondering why I even bother waking up in the morning. Walking out of my room when I get up. Signing into MSN/AIM/IRC...
It's hardly worth it, really. I'm not 'rejected' so to speak. If I were outright rejected or shunned it would be a confirmation and hence I could get angry. No. It's just a 'toleration', which leads me to question whether they value me or not. It's the fear that keeps me in check, keeps me depressed, stops me from getting angry.
I hate being tolerated! Love me or hate me, don't put me in the middle ground! I can't stand being 'just another person' in the grey, I need to be in the light or in the dark.
I really don't care if people put be in the dark, or blacklist me, or hate me. I've gotten it enough to be totally used to it. At least they've made a decision. And I know I'll never shine for anyone so I don't expect that.
I hate feeling used. Being used.
Knowing that the feeling comes entirely from me and no-one external has anything do with it at all... That a common-place gesture from them will leave me a quivering wreck inside, purely terrified that they're another person who merely tolerates me.
Why do I fail at being liked? At being loved? I know I'm a bad person but surely I'm not THAT bad... I can't be that bad, can I? Then my parents would be right =/
Then I would be better off just leaving... Everything...
I literally feel like throwing up. Internal shudders wracking my body, pushing pressure into my stomach, lungs and heart.
All because of intense emotions. I'm pretty sure I could die if I just willed it to happen strong enough, so great a sway do they have over me.
I can't be that bad... Unless there's just something about myself that even I'm blind to see. I guess self-hatred does blind you to the truth though, I've definately been called blind often enough.
I just hoped I'd be worth the time one day, for someone. For anyone. One day.
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[07 Oct 2006|11:06am] |
Tech is so freakin' hard for me to understand! I've been using it on and off for probably close to two years, yet I still don't even know what the damn stuff is. It just doesn't want to click with me... Though given what this guy on the forums is saying now, I think there's a chance it'll work in my head some time soon.
When I'm able to understand how it works and use it effectively, I'll be able to build it. Then I'll be able to start understanding most of what happens/goes wrong with me. Hopefully =P That's the theory. But not getting ahead of myself...
I've still got a lot of work to do with it. I don't understand why it won't 'click'... I've been dealing with it for such a long time... It's so incredibly frustrating!
I'll get it. I know I will. I'm going to make sure I do. In the mean time, I'm hoping to get some more raw-will power =P
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[06 Oct 2006|03:16pm] |
Wow, this thing is old.
=P
I don't think anyone really expected me to come back here, did they =) But I did, and proved all of them wrong!
So, a short write-up about my life is in order I do believe.
What I'm Doing
At the moment, I'm living with my parents at the family home (which is located in the bush, far removed from most of my friends but positioned suspiciously close to my food source (Mum =P)) and having to deal with the assosciated arguments again. This time I'm bigger and arrogant enough to deal with them all easily.
I'm working at the local Pizza Hut, training to become a Shift Manager. Currently have worked three shifts =P I still suck, but that's to be expected.
I teach a regular Taekwondo class on Tuesday nights. It runs for approximately 1 and a half hours but usually lasts for two. Rather conveniently, one of my students, a fellow black belt by the name of Anthony, is a fully qualified personal trainer. This makes every lesson a learning experience for both me and him as we're able to see how other people's bodies work for different things, and he's able to teach me the safe way of doing a lot of things I really need to work on (like weight loss, flexibility, strength, grr-ishness)
Umm.. I'm learning Shaolin healing, which is a combination of the martial arts and muscle testing, ancient chinese medicine and medirian/chakra healing. It's mind-blowing at times, jaw-dropping at others, and fun at all times.
As a result of the small amount of training I've had so far, I know which spots to push to make some things happen, and how to work certain muscles. Apparently I give drool-worthy massages too *grins*
Apart from that...
Who I'm Seeing
Spending a lot of time with my friends, since I'm doing a Tafe course with three of my four or five closest 'best' male friends. Also been hanging out with a few girls I quite like. One of them a really like... In that way... But nothing will happen there because she's currently enjoying being single for the first time in a year. I'm pretty sure I'll like her for a while though, so if/when she still wants me when she wants someone again...
We'll see what happens!
Now then:
During the writing of this, someone made a comment that changed my mood. So it's not going to be as bubbly and happy as I'd hoped. As least it's still an "I'm back" write-up =)
I'm currently studying Certificate III in Information Technology at Tafe (which is like College, for you US people). I'm approximately half-way through the course, and my attendence is probably a little bit over half. Me and my three friends who attend the course (though I'm now friends with every person my age in the course) are coming top, despite the attendence rate. That sorta says something about it's difficulty. I can't wait to finish it though.
I chose to study IT because I thought I'd enjoy it. I was wrong. It's nto that I dislike it, it's just so boring and not what I want to do that I know now I could never work in the computers industry for a living. I could definately work 'with' computers but I could never be a network specialist, or a website designer, or any of the other various pathways. Especially not client support *shudder* I can see myself designing websites at home, as a private thing... Even getting payed to do it... But not for a living. Never for a living.
These last few months has shown me a lot about what I want to do for a living. I could never work in a food store (cook/chef/whatever) for a living. Being a food producer doesn't do it for me. It's alright for money, but not a 'career' or life choice. I couldn't work in IT because it's generally pretty tedious and just 'not me'...
I do know one thing, and working as a baker for 6 months taught me this. I have to do something with my life that will have a lasting impact. Whether that's as a builder that is able to build a house and step back, look at it and say, "I fucking built that.", a megalomanic business who can say, "I dominated this part of the world for that long"... My point is, I have to have somethign I can look back on. And none of this 'family' bullshit that some people seem to strive to achieve.
That's why I'm pretty sure music will be the best way for me to take my life. If I release an album, I can always look back and know that I achieved something when I made it. Even if it's not successful.
Which brings me around to that point. I've decided I'm going to be a musician. I don't care what I have to do to be one. I've got a good enough voice to be a singer of a musically-dominated band. As long as the music doesn't focus on the vocals we should be right =/ Having said that, my GOAL in life is to develop a voice as good as Robert Plant or Axl Rose, because those two are probably the best singers I've ever heard, ever, in my life.
I just want to leave my mark. And do it with style. And be rich, famous, get all the groupies I want (even though I dont' ahve the personality to have sex with groupies), lots of houses/possessions... I want people to talk about me, ask questions about me, not know the whole truth and speculate. Like the aura that surrounded Jimmy Page, with his Black Magic/Occult dealings, his womanising and alcoholism, his sheer brilliance and people's retalitatory jealousy... I want that. People to talk. People to worship me.
Humble, isn't it.
I couldn't stand to live my life as someone who has a family at the age of 25, and spends the next fifteen years working of their house mortage while raising two or three children, only to have them leave when you're mid-forties and realising that you've achieved very little.
I couldn't be someone who quietly works in the background, doing the work that other people take credit for. Being the research assistant who makes the breakthrough, only to have the credit stolen by the head of research. Being the person who recommends a take-over of rival companies, only to have the CEO take all the credit for doing so. Being anyone BUT the person in the lime-light.
As arrogant, egotistical and downright selfish it is, I need it.
My personality has changed somewhat in the last year or so. But let me explain. Underneath there's been some changes, but most of the changes are on the surface.
I'm a lot more arrogant and self-assured/cocky than I used to be. I've always been cocky, but I'm very arrogant and I give the impression of being able to back it up. Charismatic is the Dungeons & Dragons equivalent term. I can talk shit and have people believe it if I want them to, or I can tell people the truth and have them totally disbelieve it. I'm considered 'mean' because I'm not nice, but people still want me (in general). I get called attractive often, and whilst I don't dress outlandishly there's something about how I carry myself that lends people to comment on my appearance, or at least notice little things.
Basically, I've got the persona of a frontman/singer =P I know I have the goods and I know that most people don't deserve them.
On the surface.
I was actually asked about this by Helena and Nick (Nick is one of my best mates, Helena is the girl I sorta really like at the moment)... Helena knows me reasonably well, Nick knows me extremely well. Nick knows it's an act, Helena does now. Anyways...
Helena asked something and I responded, which caused Nick to comment on me talking shit and being a big softy under it all. I felt I had to justify myself and actually explain how things really are.
On the surface, I act incredibly arrogant and egotistical. Because in general I don't want people to get close. I want people to WANT to know about me, but not ACTUALLY know about me. I despise being called attractive because I don't believe it, despite the face I put myself in a position to hear it regularly. I don't like becoming close to people because I've found that trusting people will inevitably lead to pain.
The arrogance helps keep people at bay. Only the smart people, or the people I choose, get to see through the mask on the outside, and they're the only people I want inside because they're actually worth it. I don't generally offer my help to people, not because I don't care but because I know it's not usually appreciated. There are always exceptions to that rule of course.
I'm called mean, and that's because I am. I know logically I'm not a 'mean' or 'bad' person because I care too much to be so. But more people see nothing but me being mean, paying people out, etc. It's all in good humour when I do it though, and it's recognised as such. I'm not mean in a 'mean' way, I'm mean in a 'funny' way, and I rarely get people genuinely upsetted by what I do. But they think that's who I actually am. I'm called mean because I'm not nice, because if I'm nice I get used/hurt.
I talk myself up in front of people because part of me is hoping they'll agree and another part is hoping they'll disagree and tear me down. To justify how I feel inside.
Generally, I still feel like a failure but no-one that meets me would think that I do. Most people think that I think I'm the best thing since sliced bread, and I couldn't be bothered dispelling their false belief.
I know it's totally fake and a bad way of living. But it is doing well for the time being and the mask acts as an effective screening process...
'Mask' isn't the correct term... I don't consciously sit and think about how to act like that. It just happens/is. I think it's actually a totally different aspect of my personality. Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde sort of thing. There's the totally outgoing, full-on, self-assured centre of attention called James, then there's the weak, emotionally-fragile, extremely needy, affection/love-craving romantic called James. Only a handful of people know about both of them, and I think that handful think it's a bad way to live as well.
Nick has commented on the fact that he didn't think I used my arrogance and charisma as a mask. He thought I genuinely thought that, and that it was only when I spoke about emotions and such that I was 'lying'. But I'm pretty much like that, through and through. A big mish-mash of contradiction.
Apart from what's written there, I'm not actually unhappy. I really have fun and appreciate the fun I have. Every laugh is genuine, every smile is real. I've learnt over the last few years to value everything I get or have. My friends and what they do for me. The time we spend together. Every little thing, whether it's Joel picking me up from my house because he wants me in town, or Helena using me as a pillow rather than her friend Bonnie... Just little things like that, that make you feel totally loved and wanted. I cherish them all, and whilst there's a lot that I want, there's so much I'm happy I have.
I'm able to value my life, though I'm not yet able to value myself. I'm getting there.
ARGH! My monitor is fucking up! *crosses his fingers* Don't die on me, I can't replace you! AHHHH! The screen is yellow now! ... Fuck. I think it might be my graphics card... Scary, but gone. Let's continue.
Now for the actual reason for re-activating this thing and posting on it.
Magic!
I've decided (again...) that I'm going to get good at magic. But I'm definately sick and tired of being weak and hopeless. It's becoming a part of my life again for reasons unknown to me, but possibly stemming from the fact I've got a new person to 'prove' myself to. Instead of rushing into it like I usually do though, I'm taking the safer route (though I recognise it's lazier because I don't have to do anything at the moment) and identify what I need to do. It's no good me just charging in and exploding, then not being able to do anything for a long time. Like Sib explained, I need to learn my own limits.
I need to learn when I'm going to explode, instead of realising the line was a hundred metre's back and I'm missing a leg from running straight over it. I still haven't figured out exactly where that point is, or why it's so close to home for me.
But there is hope.
A few weeks ago things started to re-arrange inside me. What some people called preparation for 'enlightenment', I had it looked at by a few people (who weren't that interested and hence only gave me cursory details, that helped nonetheless) and they all agreed that there was a lot of activity and remodelling of the James engine going on.
My hope is the changes made me slightly more durable, because for reasons unknownst to me I'm fragile. Not fragile the way a crystal glass is, but fragile the way an old car is. You can beat the shit out of it and it can still keep going, but then you can push the gas pedal a little too hard and it'll die. I can take a beating and come out of the other side of it, but I can't exert myself too hard or I'll suffer the consequences. Which is a good thing, in a way. Well, it's the only good way to be fragile. Other peopel can't exploit it as a weakness because the majority of the damage comes from within.
But at the same time, it's bad. I have a habit of exploding whilst doing the easy things. But that's going to change.
Enough about me exploding though. It makes me feel weak and it's not going to happen any more. Not until I get amped ;) Then I'll explode, heal, and be amped =P
There's been a lot of activity on the Omnimancy forums as of late. Myself and Miri asking Art various questions and getting some pretty full-on answers. It's filling in a lot of the blanks and making the pieces I have seem like dots on the page instead of pages in the book. But it's definately a good thing!
Except for the envy =P Not so much for what Art can do, or Ogre, Strider, Contrary and the rest of them. What they can do my brain can't understand yet. I can recognise that. I'm rather incredibly envious of the new face on the forums who's created his first bit of tech.
I've even read how he did it and my mind still doesn't grasp it properly. I don't understand what the go is with me and tech, and why it just doesn't seem to work for me in general. I can't understand it properly, it's so frustrating!
I can use it, but using it without understanding it is dangerous. And I'm not able to change things around...
I think I need to talk to a certain person and learn what I 'should' be able to do with the amount of knowledge I have, then actually work on my abilities and get to that point. Get some decent raw-will magic ability, some good senses, then get into the tech scene again.
I sorta know what I need to do to get good. I'm just scared (still) that I won't be any good at it even if I try my best. Stupid reason to not try, because you fail by not trying... But it's easier to ignore...
Either way...
I'm back! Prepare to be commented, people =)
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[02 May 2006|11:12pm] |
It's been SO long since I've posted here. So here's a new post.
Umm... I'm still working, still living with Unit, and I still owe you an email. Sorry Stormish! =/ I'll get around to responding, I promise!
The net doesn't exist at my house, and I'll be moving in two months anyway so it's pretty pointless for me to connect it now. BUt as soon as I move I'm going to get it connected, because basically, I'm sick and tired of not having the net =)
Sick of my job, too. Being an apprentice baker isn't any fun. It's repetative and every day I fill the bakery with bread. Every day, it's either sold or thrown out. There's never any lasting... There's nothing that I can look back on.
BEcause everything is made again every day I'm left without any lasting effects, anything I can look at and think to myself, "I made that." or "I played a part in that."
Carpentry would be so much better. You build a house, it's still there the next day. And the next week, month, year. But anyways...
I get shit-house pay, as well. Work fuckin' hard for 40 hours a week and take home 300 dollars. That's less than ten dollars an hour, people. Sure, it's good that I'm working and bringing in money, but I'm not really enjoying it at all.
So yeah. Lots in my head, as per usual. Still haven't moved on from a certain someone, still nothing has changed. I'm still fucked in the head as a result, and I still know it's stupid.
Oddly, I can now totally recognise my (most glaring) faults and issues, yet have no success at changing them.
I guess I still live in fear =)
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[05 Jan 2006|10:58pm] |
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Big news!
I am now part of the working class. Yes, I have a job. I'm surprised, actually, but there you have it. Me...
Doing what, you may ask?
I'm an Apprentice Baker! Which means, amongst other things, 4:30 starts. So, with that comes the next major bombshell.
I'm moving. Next week.
Me and my friend Justin are moving into Nambucca next week, hopefully. We've found a place, and we're putting in the applications tomorrow. It's a three-bedroom house for 150 dollars a week. Excellent price, really nice house, close to both our works (We work at opposing bakeries :P), close to friends... And it can support broadband *nodnods*
So... This means... I'll be without the internet (for chatting) for most of next week, I imagine. Maybe a little longer. Then I'll be back on, on broadband, keeping crazy, crazy hours. Stuff like going to bed at 7 and waking up at 3. I'll be even harder to catch online =P
Wanna know something cute, though? One of my first thoughts. "Hey, that wouldn't interfere with Omni lessons!".. I'm so hopeless =P
Love you all =) And of course I miss you, Mic, you bitch! But I miss you a bit differently, 'cause I NEVER see you =P It's less 'sharp'...
This year will be interesting =)
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[01 Jan 2006|11:35pm] |
Weird, weird, weird mood.
Shit-loads on my mind. I intended to type it up today, but I think my food must've been bad. Twice while eating it, I got stabbing stomach pains for about 5 minutes. (and here comes round three)... Weird, painful.
Happy New Years, everyone. Love you all, and miss you too! Keep your eyes peeled, talk soon my precious'ouses.
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[19 Dec 2005|01:28am] |
Put X's by the ones you've seen (and add three movies onto the end):
1. ( )Napoleon Dynamite
2. (x)Saw
3. ( )White Noise
4. ( )White Oleander
5. ( )Anger Management
6. ( )50 First Dates
7. ( )Jason X
8. (x)Scream
9. (x)Scream 2
10. (x)Scream 3
11. (x)Scary Movie
12. (x)Scary Movie 2
13. (X)Scary Movie 3
14. (X)American Pie
15. (X)American Pie 2
16. (X)American Wedding
17. (X)Harry Potter
18. (X)Harry Potter 2
19. (X)Harry Potter 3
##. (X)Harry Potter 4
20. (X)Resident Evil I
21. ( )Resident Evil 2
22. ( )The Wedding Singer
23. ( )Little Black Book
24. (x)The Village
25. (x)Donnie Darko
( Look! More! )
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[14 Dec 2005|01:18am] |
Open iTunes to answer the following. Go to your iTunes. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.
How many songs?: 3339 items, 8.7 days, 16.32 GB. Please keep in mind I've approximately 600 songs on my iPod that aren't on this PC. Possibly more.
Sort by song title--
First Song: (-) Ions - Tool.
Last Song: Zoe Jane - Staind.
Sort by time--
Shortest Song: Well, there's a few here. I've got a 2 second file that's a recording from a friend of a note... The first official thing is "Intro" - Entwine (0:02)
Longest Song: Soundtrack to Reuiem For A Dream (51.58).. I should delete that, I've the soundtrack in individual songs now. Next is 4 Walls - Staind (33:08)
Sort by album--
First Song: Hemisphere - Maaya Sakamoto (RahXephon)
Last Song: Ignoring the thousand or so without a listed album, Wait - Death Cab For Cutie (You Can Play These Songs With Chords)
Top 10 Most Played Songs
1. A.D - The Butterfly Effect - 145 times.
2. Perfection - The Butterfly Effect - 119 times.
3. Perfect - A Simple Plan - 117 times.
4. Epilogue (Relief) - Apocalyptica - 112 times. (Trivia: I used to listen to this continuously. Then I made myself stop listening to it, because it always reduced me to tears. *puts it on, checks if it still works*)
5. Here With Me - Michelle Branch - 100 times.
6. Beautiful Mine - The Butterfly Effect - 98 times.
7. 'Till I Get Over You - Michelle Branch - 81 times.
8. Empty Apartment - Yellowcard - 76 times.
9. Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven - 71 times.
10. Take It Away - The Butterfly Effect - 70 times.
(do we see a pattern? I think we do. I love the guy's voice, though it's been a while since I've listened to them.)
First song that comes up on Shuffle: "Straight Out Of Line" - Godsmack.
"sex", how many songs come up? Two.
"death", how many songs come up? 87. Holy crap :P 40 are from Death Cab or "In Love And Death" by The Used.
"love", how many songs come up? 128. 12 from The Used *points*, a shitload from HIM, and random for the rest.
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[07 Dec 2005|02:43pm] |
lmfao, is Hotmail/LiveJournal suffering from Christmas congestion?
I just recieved an email from LiveJournal, notifying me of a comment on an entry (which I'd already reviewed and responded to) that was left on the 22nd of November.
The comment notifier was sent on the 22nd of November, and I recieved it today, the 7th of December. That's over two full weeks delay. Not to mention the fact that I still haven't/won't recieve notifiers from a plethora of other posts.
Stupid LiveJournal :P
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[05 Dec 2005|06:36pm] |
| You Are 17 Years Old | 
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
Surprise, surprise? Though there were a few answers where I picked best-fit, rather than the 'correct' one.
And this one.
Luke Skywalker
You scored 75% airiness, 63% squishiness, and 42% edginess! | | According to our patented JawamaticTM technology, you are most like Luke Skywalker in personality.
Luke is a dreamer and a romantic. He's excited by possibilities and
has strong core values that affect all his decisions. Luke is loyal and
idealistic, always coming through for those he loves.
Luke is, in a word, heroic.
(The polar opposite of Luke Skywalker is Yoda.)
The eight profiles are as follows:
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My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 83% on airiness | | You scored higher than 72% on squishiness | | You scored higher than 46% on edginess |
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Again, are we surprised? I'm such a dreamer... =/
Stay tuned, more later.
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[24 Nov 2005|08:22pm] |
Well, due to mechanical issues, I won't be going away this weekend. That pleasure will be reserved for next weekend.
Probably for the best, to be honest, as I've developed a rather nasty problem with my hip. Depending on factors unknown, I'll get massive shooting pain through my hip, and down my leg.
Now, this differs from my regular back/hip pains. The regular pain is a dull ache, and I'm absolutely certain this is a nerve compression thing. The pain is... electrifying. And agonising.
It's upsetting me, and frightening. I don't want this sort of pain.
My hope now is that it's from a fucked-up sleeping position last night. Last time I share a double bed with a big fat guy. Stupid Unit *shakes a fist* Of course, I'll wind up crashing with him again, because he doesn't have any spare beds...
So yeah, I'm hoping the crushed-up-against-a-wall position I slept in is what caused it...
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[21 Nov 2005|02:27am] |
Twice, now.
My monitor is... Acting odd.
First time. I stare at the screen, and generally just hate. A burst of lines ripple through the screen. Sorta like intense magnetic interference.
Second time. I look at a link, and move the mouse to it. Lines streak the screen and spread out from the spot I was looking at.
The lines are like... Sorta like the refresh rate is dodgy. I can see individual lines on the screen, it's unusual. Happens when I get really emotional and scream music, too. I think that's because of my eyes, though these two couldn't be.
The second was by far the strongest.
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[17 Nov 2005|07:27pm] |
Ok, it's really screwing up for me, this whole internet thing.
Any appointments that've been booked with me, scheduled meetings, sordid love-affairs or similar things should be shifted into Email, since... This really isn't working reliably.
I hope I can figure it out =/
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[13 Nov 2005|11:38am] |
Ok, my computer is starting to scare me. Every time I turn it on, there's an unhandled access violation in svchost.exe
Like, I understand what that means (>.>), but the first time it happened the internet dropped out, and the second time it happened was just after I connected the net.
YOU AREN'T TAKING MY INTERNET FROM ME! *clutches*
More to come later.
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[01 Nov 2005|05:16pm] |
It's been a while since I've put a real update on this thing. And this won't be a real update. It'll outline some basic things that've been going on.
My emotions are still getting the best of me. There's a yearning pit of depression that... For some reason, I can't fall into, but yeah! It's interesting!
And I'm off!
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