User Profile

One Upon a December
Julieanne was born in San Francisco, California in late 1988. She is British, Irish, French, and German. They say everyone's story starts prior to their birth, and her's really did. Her dad started having affairs just shy of 10 years into his marriage with her mom. Therefore, to try and keep her dad, her mom decided to take herself off birth control and alas, Julieanne was a fetus. An unwanted fetus who came into this world under very shady circumstances. Originally, her mom planned to abort it but then her plan wouldn't work, would it?! After a long pregancy filled with much crying and depression on her mom's part, Julieanne was born. Her father almost did not attend her birth. But, he did. He was a very absent father. Though he and her mother wouldn't get divorced officially until around '94, Julieanne can't remember a time when she lived with her dad. Her dad was always on "fishing trips" and stealing her mom's money to pay for hotel rooms and buy gifts for his various girlfriends. On the rare occasion that he was home, he would lock himself in the garage and talk on the phone with his girlfriends, instead of taking care of Julieanne as was intended. From the ages of 2 to 3 years old, Julieanne remembers lots of fighting between her parents. Her mom wanted them to work things out "for the kids" -- even letting him keep the girlfriend (albeit, secretly) so as not to disrupt her idea of a perfect happy family. When in reality, it was far from it. Eventually one day, he left. No goodbyes or anything. Julieanne would never see him again. She never knew him though. Which is sad because she can't even hate him. All she knows is that he was an alcoholic, fat, balding, perverted man. Luckily, she looks nothing like him. ;)
Things would never be the same but her mom tried to carry on with the "normalcy." Julieanne was sent to live with her grandma. She became really close to her. She was like a mother to Julieanne; braiding her hair, teaching her to bake and sew and doing all sorts of artsy projects. However, Julieanne would just have this mother figure in her life for two short years. After her death, Julieanne went back to live with her mother. Her mother, like most single moms and dads alike, became too wrapped up in her own life to salvage anytime whatsoever for Julieanne. Julieanne was forced to raise herself pretty much. Her mom was always at work and on dates so Julieanne just went to school and went home and read and did her homework. She got very high marks in school...she did this so her mom would notice her but sadly all she would hear from her mother on this subject was a simple "good job!" Julieanne continued to do good in school, regardless...she thought maybe one day her mom might take notice and learn to love her.
Julieanne kept to herself at school because she felt weird and different from everyone else. And she really was. Everyone else had dads to help them make snazzy projects and whatnot...but Julieanne just had herself. She didn't even have a mom to comb her hair and put babydoll barettes in it and bake her cookies, like most moms do. She became a bookworm and was adored by her teachers. She liked the adoration she got, even if it only happened Monday to Friday, August through May.
Then one day, while in first grade, a new boy transferred into her class from another school. His name was Joey and Julieanne positively adored him! He adored her, too! They both had to go to counseling sessions at school since they both had fathers that had rudely neglected them. They became best friends quickly and would remain so for a long time. They wrote notes, decorated each other's notebooks with stickers, played in the rain, and even played barbie dolls together (the last being Julieanne's favorite pasttime because she could make them have any life she wanted, the life she always wanted for herself). He was a very strange, very different boy. He was a tough person to crack...Just like Julieanne, a closed book.
It was around this time that Julieanne would get sexually abused while being babysat by a male neighbor one day. Though, there was no penetration she would be emotionally scarred for life. Adding to her already lowly expectations of males. During these years, she was also sexually abused by a relative; a female. This would go on for about 2 - 4 years. Off and on. And that's all she'll tell most people on the subject. She would never tell her mother or seek help from a doctor or therapist for either of these two matters.
So her life kept going....pretty stagnant. She really enjoyed having Joey in her life, though. They bonded over everything it seemed. They were really quite similar and she loved Joey very much.
Then, when she was about 12, her mom, who had always been diet-obsessed, became obsessed with Julieanne's weight. Mind you, Julieanne wasn't nearly "fat" and had very little baby fat left on her. Yet, her mom put her on a diet. At least she was paying attention to her though.
Both Julieanne and Joey had been going through tough times, and as they were still, they started cutting. They'd cut together mostly. Using the same blade; their blood mixing in one coagulated redredred blood mess.
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Things with Joey got worse and worse, personal things that she doesn't really tell anyone because it best be left between her and Joey. And on January 11, 2003, Joey committed suicide. He jumped off the Golden Gate bridge. Drowning in the currents of water below. Julieanne was devastated. She had seen him the night before and although he didn't seem super happy he didn't seem about to kill himself. She felt so alone. And she was. But at least his attempts at suicide had worked. It was such a popular place to commit suicide, not all attempts of those who've tried at this infamous site, worked. Slowly but surely, Julieanne's mental and physical health deteriorated...Julieanne became bulimic. Why did she do it? For attention? To please her mom? Because she just didn't like herself? It could be argued those could have been the reasons but she really just wanted to disappear. She constantly thought of saddistic things and was hyper-sexual due to her previous abuse and was very lonely and was teased horribly at school. Not ignored, but teased and shunned. She wanted to be ignored though. She wanted to just disappear."Let me be empty, and weightless and maybe, I'll find some peace tonight"
She hated and still hates the fact that people have eyes. Even though they might look at her and not think anything, it still troubles her that they look. So she thought they wouldn't look and wouldn't think things if she could disappear physically. She didn't want to die, but she didn't want to live either. She was bored with the mundane world that sadly she's still in. She wanted all the things she'd been denied of. Sadly, at age 14 and a half and at a mere 63 lbs, she realized she couldn't disappear. They'd still say things. They'd still think things. They'd still have eyes to see. But eyes make you blind if you just look at surfaces. She knew that and she knew they weren't worth the misery and the tearing down of herself but she did it anyways. Her mom didn't notice. Albeit, it's hard to notice changes when you see one everyday plus Julieanne wore lots of layers to appear more healthy in the weight department. She was then hospitalized and put in an institution, force-fed through an uncomfortable feeding tube. This is pretty much all she says on this topic as well. Her mom likes to pretend it never happened.
Then, May of 2004, Julieanne met John and everyone pretty much knows that story. She's waiting for closure and something that will never come. Yet again. Like a broken record....her life of waiting continues....
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need you now like i needed you then
You always said we'd still be friends someday
And now, Julieanne is currently stuck in a silent reverie. She can't escape her past and in a way she doesn't want too -- she wants the ghosts of her past to waltz right back in once again. She often gets really upset and though she usually doesn't cut unless there's a utility knife around, she does tend to purge her body physically, orally, when upset. She wants lovelovelove and has so much love to give but no one seems to want to be on the receiving end for long enough to please her. She's never felt love for long, and it's a rare, rare, occurance that she does ever receive any love. She's left with an empty feeling and will soon probably shut off all together and stuff her heart with icy, frigid air. She'll most likely always live a life of waiting.
She's the silent sufferer. You only know as much as she wishes to tell you and that's not much. What's been written of this is not even half of what she's been through. Will she ever learn to let go of the past and move on and try to be happy? Who knows. It's doubtful.
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

young lady.
obsessive compulsive disorder; social anxiety disorder & bulimia.
searching for chemical happiness.
fancies herself a poet.
journal completely friends only. feel free to add, though.

aurelia. she's me & i'm her. music box ballerinas on little girl's dainty dresser drawers; red kisses; flower stem neck; petals of hair; bird-boned & lithe. aurelia says she tries to dance, alone in her room. she can't even dance with herself. she feels silly & shy & clumsy.
she's me & i'm her.