she says im fantastic

closetzombie_ @ 2006-12-31T09:52:00

2006-12-31T09:52:34Z

FUCK

like... people
and shit that people do
even the shit i do
because its actually really annoying.

fuck you
and fuck you
and fuck everybody
and all the things youre doing thats driving me insane.

fuck psycho boys
stranglers
molesters
rapists
fuck drunk pre teens
giggling
and screaming
and being all fucking scene.
fuck silly pseudo lovestruck boys
sweet
ass
bullshit

FUCK YOU
and me
of course fuck me.

because im stupid
and i do all the same shit
and put up with all the same shit
and im a liar.

[[[dont forget hxctease!]]]

so fuck everything
we do
and are
and think about

STOP BEING COMPLICATED
its not.

lovelove
so much love
HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS EVE AND NEW YEARS

<333

just life

2006-12-20T03:42:02Z

shit happens.
lots to me apparently.
but i think im okay.

and i really didnt think id be.
finished the week before finals in a numb happy state of mind.
finished finals week totally great,
with a few bittersweet moments but mostly great, hanging out, minimal school.

adventures have happened, connections made.
last friday was a blast. 4 hour dancing. mingling. not sleeping.

shitty austin trip sunday to monday
but im not holding that idea in case theres a next time.

montrose today with beauty.
i love when people visit. especially hot girls who live in egypt.

im missing things. a lot. a little. dreams here. twinges of feeling there.
i want to move to the next plane. i hate stuck in neutral when it feels more like a tough love limbo.

friday excitement comes this week. trashed. cute.
saturday night family dinner.
christmas monday. dont feel like it.

tuesday might hold magic ideas and weird sights but things are uncertain.
though theyre hardly ever actually accomplished, i love making new years resolutions.
hell yeah 2007.

syx.kyo.me.

closetzombie_ @ 2006-11-30T01:10:00

2006-11-30T01:10:31Z

so ive sucked at update lately anyway
but im taking more of a break so...

you dont like slackers on your list
defriend me now :]

closetzombie_ @ 2006-11-29T01:38:00

2006-11-29T01:38:35Z

WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO DO WITH LOVE?

no problem
no problem
can you say pms?
yes its for real
yes it feels awful

i am tears
i am anger
i am having a hell of a time trying to keep off an extra 5 pounds with all the shit i cant stop myself from drowning my sorrows in.

BLAH BLAH BLAH
vile.

im a freakin jekyll and hyde show.
lovelove

closetzombie_ @ 2006-11-28T23:57:00

2006-11-28T23:57:57Z

.5
pain
killer

happy day
pointless post

stfu

closetzombie_ @ 2006-11-26T20:02:00

2006-11-26T20:02:30Z

one month of bad karma and shitty feeling.
a whole month!
and the 4th week really killed me. MAJOR. i was dead i was ill i was missing.

then thanksgiving week. and what. im whole again.
theres no school
theres no people
theres me and things and love.

p o i n t l e s s.
but..
continuing..

i dont like holidays
except for getting a break
really,
food is sometimes good. but not lately
gifts havent held so much importance
people, there are only a select few i want in most cases

its lame! im such a humbug

anyway
i have a headache
i love too much
i dont want to work
and school starts again tomorrow.

Hope you all had a good one. i guess.

closetzombie_ @ 2006-11-18T19:01:00

2006-11-18T19:01:29Z

i say

you say

we say

touch touch touch

it's a lot to handle

it's a lot to deal with

hold on

grippinggrippinggripping

i don't leave cause im afraid to be alone

but it doesn't really matter now youre gone [-keaton simons]

no shoes

no shirt

no pants

no thought

lightly

tear me rip me
you taste like coffee creamer

[[[plague me synesthesia.]]]

I want to be that
that. t h a t love
flower child. crazy lover. baby angel.

no stationary pictures. nothing planned.

just blurs. always moving shifting, spontaneity.

over and over and over again

but always new and so calm it's never burnt out.

she paints warped works

dances like nothing

tells you things will be okay and they will.

expert liar, brutal honest

brightly clean

runaway grunged.

beautiful.

like those rare walkers of the 3am beach

2-day raver

up for anything.

shes emotion

surprise

connection

love.
whiskey haze and everything you want.

ive got one. ive got one
im
i m p u l s i v e
and that gets me...
nowhere

racey spacey

2006-11-16T04:02:07Z

we are so unalike. like.. too unalike to have thought of anything longterm.

hahaha
wow.
realization is awful!

all i want all i want all i want is something new and more.
filled pockets for dulled hours
a party in a bag
   party in a bag
             in a bag
                  a bag
                     bag. this aint my bag baby.
this. th is .t h i s nothing ness.

SPACE
is too often a need.

so, like, i was thinking, that like, all the things i never wanted
seem to happen. ha.
karamella. m m m.

i said we were waves.
i meant we were spirited. born again. and again.
it turns out we fade in and out. of us and each other.
like
any soulmate ive claimed. it happens again!
oh history history.

wish wish wish people saw me like this
wish wish wish people heard me like this
wish wish wish people loved me like this
i would be so much more beautiful all swirled in colors and sounds and waves

gosh im depressing!

2006-11-03T02:32:47Z

got myspace back. el oh el.

halloween sucked except the end. spent the night with babydoll and really it was the best feeling in forever, waking up in his house and just :]. wednesday had bad karma so i apologized for some of my awful habits and tried to be a good person. today was very long. and every time ive gone to sleep this week ive had shitty dreams. wtf. help me.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU FEEL LAME?

i need to know.

closetzombie_ @ 2006-10-24T15:38:00

2006-10-24T15:44:00Z

i tend to plan without letting others in on it.
i wish you would want to come with me.

i like to dream, but then i get caught up in hoping it would really happen.

school is mediocre
im a fuck up
i wish i could take things back. screw living without regrets. i really would take this back. it wouldnt change a hell of a lot in a crazy different sense so, i wish i could, and i most definitely would.

i deleted myspace.
i know it wont be gone for long, addiction consumes me, but while my phone is in possession of the school, aim annoys and myspace sits idle i feel a little more free, though out of the loop.

i want last semester back.
all those things that happened. all i felt and did right.
blow me.

i say im trying, but im probably not.
i think ive been on giving up edge for a long time.

things are okay.
i think
changed and awfully sad
but maybe okay.

closetzombie_ @ 2006-10-14T15:49:00

2006-10-14T20:55:22Z

ahhhh things are happening!
today is happy, i havent had a really happy day alone for so long.
my mom is finally getting her thoughts together, she's listened to some of my advice and is leaving behind the responsibility she's been carrying since she was 15. it was wonderful to actually see her dancing in the car this morning.

you have no idea.

our plans are so above school im not worried about how this year goes academically as long as i graduate.

birthday party tonight
i miss my weekends with love but if im unwanted id rather skip out until missing me comes back.

have a good weekend you guys

and though i sometimes feel a doom coming upon I LOVE YOU CR.

october babyyyy

2006-10-07T17:25:22Z

people need to stop lying to each other and they need to wake up and they need to chill out. its really grating on me and usually even if there are complaints i take it all in okay.
but christ

_{you do not look like a celebrity
you are not in love
you are not the hottest shit
you are not faithful
you are not trying
you are not sweet
you are not special
you are not my best friend
you have no fucking idea what you're talking about or what you're doing.}

life is not that hard. sometimes its awesome and sometimes it blows, that shit happens to everyone.

^{i do not just think i love you
i do not follow the advice i give
i do not know where im going in life
i do not only flirt with you
i do not think im huge
i do not think im thin
i do not want to listen to you talk about anything. ever.}

Austin weekend, girls boys college freedom.
i want to be someone else for the next couple days.

HAVE A GOOD FUCKING THREE DAY WEEKEND YOU GUYS
i dig a lot of you

-d.danger

closetzombie_ @ 2006-10-03T18:36:00

2006-10-03T23:36:31Z

screw that, life's shitty

FUCK YOU

closetzombie_ @ 2006-10-01T19:47:00

2006-10-02T00:51:44Z

just wrote a really long entry, that got deleted. thank you internet.

-im fucking needy
stopit.

-lifes not so bad. schools not hard. party party weekends.

-friday night, dancing, drinks bought by mister 30, we giggled and screamed and set off the jail bait thoughts even though 17 is legal in texas. laughed a little loud, danced a little crazy, played the hardcore tease.
-saturday night, homecoming, danced my ass off, sweaty as fuck. austins after. drink, dance, yell, pass out around 7am.
-sunday, hang around austins, watch waiting, eat too much ice cream, cant get off the topic of sex.

not looking forward to monday

next weekend might hold a trip to austintx. hellyes. college college baby.

tell me something you havent told anyone else yet. anonymous or not.
go go go.

lovelove
-chelsea valentine

closetzombie_ @ 2006-09-17T20:59:00

2006-09-18T02:05:03Z

thursday - mariah carey. hell yes. wonderful beautiful hoochie love. <3divaboy

friday - party. drink drink. topless sleeping on a fur rug. cuddle buddies awe. leave at 5:30 in the morning [sat]. ramen for breakfast. sleep until 3pm.

saturday - shopping w/mom. no party? unfair! sneak out 11pm. drink drink. fall out of a hammock. dance dance. leave with strangers. stranded in cypress. bad bad idea. heroes heroes, love kyo love bum leg. thank you. tears. home at 6am [sun]. back through the window. into the bed.

sunday - wake up 3pm. boyfriendboyfriendboyfriend.need.breathe.

weekends :]

closetzombie_ @ 2006-09-05T14:59:00

2006-09-05T20:04:27Z

good weekend. it was.

but maybe i shouldve skipped it.
now, all of those annoying relationship habits are coming back. not weak enough to push out of the way.

needy clingy pushy crying possessive jealous more more m o r e.

not just that. i know its not just that. love is love. grows dies heals, whatever.
but i dont know what else it is. stress stress. over what?

i cried for an hour yesterday. no stops. just tears.
on the floor with stupid reasons floating through my head.

i feel
stuck
naive
loveless
lonely
behind
tired
tired
tired

give me back a happy for nothing. a chill out its okay life view.
things turn out.
why do i feel shitty?

okay.

closetzombie_ @ 2006-08-29T21:40:00

2006-08-30T02:46:39Z

uhm, schools okay
classes arent hard i just get tired.

speech sucks. yes still. record for shortest amount of time spent up there, thats me.

love is, a trek. adventure. expected in an unexpected kind of way.
kind of pushing pulling tummy tension and heartthrob.

life is. life. tried to be enjoyed but not quite fully making it.
ive got time. one would hope. a long line of years to think of things to fill time with.

im pretty sure im kind of attracted to lil wayne.

theres nothing else.
-

p.s.
i hate the song lips of an angel by hinder.
not that its any matter to anything. i just felt like sharing.
i.hate.that.song.

closetzombie_ @ 2006-08-22T22:24:00

2006-08-23T03:26:06Z

the only thing in life you can count on is off campus study hall and rain.

thank you world.
you're so beautifully simple underneath

youcouldhavejustpunchedmeintheface.

newssss

2006-08-17T20:47:14Z

babydoll comes back soon.
like now. [lovelovelove]

classes dont suck except speech.
everything else is pretty kickass and easy.

i might be finally getting long awaited combat boots.
this weekend.

and then i got this

so yeah.
senior year begins..

closetzombie_ @ 2006-08-07T23:58:00

2006-08-08T05:04:44Z

i want venoms like you have no idea.
im [ this ] close to getting dreadssss.

im in high hopes of a night audit job
10pm-8am
friday-sunday
school monday, i can hang one day a week.
stfu. yeah i can.

rush:
hotel management x4
eng IV
gov
speech
off campus pm

yaaar.
++ plus im working on losing my chubby ++

i miss adventure.

bloody crotch week! sucks ass.

closetzombie_ @ 2006-07-30T03:31:00

2006-07-30T08:34:10Z

In the beginning, I turned him down three times.

Well, that wasn’t really the beginning, more the middle. In the very beginning, we were wordless, strangers in mild attraction. Completely oblivious that we'd get to know parts not everyone knew, and captain pirate ships and dance and doze together. Back then there were only glances across a classroom, thoughts and wonder in-between me pretending to sketch well and him annoying the teacher. Though, I cant quite remember anything but the white t’s and intimidating feeling I got in those looks I cast a few times to his side of the room.
A year later and he was still breath catchingly, butterfly giving, face brighteningly attractive. Tougher, maybe, but known as sweet through a few words exchanged in another class. Hugs whenever I could get one, he’s the best one, wishes to not let go.
Another year and we still don’t really know each other, but we’re closer. Starbucks hang outs a little here and there, brushing hands, wants to kiss me, drawn out hugs, 'I love yous' on occasion and speaking over AIM. His break up, life crushing catastrophe. My break up, slightly heartbreaking, good end to a mistake.
So then, the online turndowns.
Why? Fear! Oh I was so afraid. Intimidated, like major. Sometimes still. But so much then.
And how come? He's sexy! And sexual. Passionate.
Likes me? No way! Hang out? For real? Just us? Oh yes!
And on that day, I’m hung over, but he’s sweet, our first kiss, in the wind, in the grass, horrid blushing on my part. Apartment break-in, such adventure, lets me sleep. Talks and talks and dilated eyes, thoughts and cuddling, we’re so close, already? I love you. I love you.
And four months later, still love, adoration[?] different fear, mild intimidation, extreme joy. He’s a wonder. Oh I never thought, sitting in my back row desk, that three years later mister bad ass, too cool for school, attractive beyond belief, would be mine.

p.s. i have bangs.
that arent so nifty
but hair grows[?]

better picture later maybe.

closetzombie_ @ 2006-07-28T19:53:00

2006-07-29T01:02:54Z

"chelsea" by stefy, makes me super happy.
just, for no reason, now you know.

ahhhh
some days havent been bad!
i feel like summer and party
[lonely still]
but oh things things to do.

and i dont have a job, but im going to apply for housekeeping! haha. maid. cute. i know its lame. stfu.
and i probably wont get it, because my bangs are blue [i have bangs now! .. awful]
but its okay, because im giving books to half priced, and clothes to buffalo, and will be getting a bit of money.

ive got a couple of worries
that are driving me crazy
and probably if i let myself stew over them
i would cry and make myself sick like the first stew period
so im leaving them at the back of my mind.
until i cant anymore
in which case i'll tell myself
worse things could happen
and, its not such a big deal.

right!

-Captain
spazzzz

school soon, terrrrrible. but the last. year. unless i fail again. haha. <3

closetzombie_ @ 2006-07-23T00:43:00

2006-07-23T06:11:06Z

dear silly journal,
my lover is leaving.
i know the plan. the no girls, find yourself, be in love.. with the world around deal. but, its so soon.
i mean not really, 4 months. it seemed like a long enough time. time enough to get my fill. but i want more love. im not finished yet. i mean. i suppose all hope and soul isnt lost yet... but.. well. there are endless possibilities, which i knew, i did, and i stated this with a bitter face the facts attitude.. in the beginning. except not really now. now its changed.
not the stating.
not that facts.
not the possibilities.
but me. ive changed.

being carefree and rolling with the punches is a little bit harder when your heart is tied to the ride.

he could return, a different lover than the one that left.
he could return to, a different lover than the one he left.
he could return unloved.
he could return unloving.

i admit ive liked this dramatic adventure.
ive liked the tensing pulsing more than the end that seems to be around.

dear heartboy,
i love you major.
i will, until.. well i dont know when.
but i think you should do whatever you need to.
pain is in the path for any decision.
you asked, my answer
i wont die if we do.
dont worry.

people pick up. re do. i can.
we could be friends? lol.

love,
captain
babyangel[yours]

p.s. nothing could be happier, right now,
except to actually be in the arms of,
but as far as net goes...
(2:05:55 AM): muah baby girl i love you so damn much
(7:34:53 AM): I LOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU!

closetzombie_ @ 2006-07-22T03:38:00

2006-07-22T08:49:25Z

each year i feel the same way but its getting a little late to still wish for.

i always wanted to be that rad chick, up for anything,
shower together close best friend.
hot summer days, and every day was spent together.
like in the movies.
swimming. adventures. new ~~records~~ ~~tapes~~ cds. late night movies. our tree house.
stomping through forests and bayous. summer of the awkward sweet first kiss.
night talks. photographs of all the adventures and crazy happenings.
bubbles and chalk on the sidewalks. kites maybe.
numerous beach trips and road trips and wild trips.

the best part of this summer, didnt even happen in the summer.
it started late march and carried on through april.
there were park walks and adventures and new ideas and swimming and soul.
id wanted it to carry on.
i have had a few note worthy experiences during the actual summer.
and they were complete love. but, id wanted more.

maybe next summer.
i can still be a carefree kid at 18.
right?

closetzombie_ @ 2006-07-20T02:00:00

2006-07-18T09:38:05Z