Divine intervention my name is spoken

clairvoyant_ @ 2005-01-06T01:11:00

2005-01-06T06:18:24Z

the scrambled letters randomly landed to display the word "mess" and it occured to me that's exactly what this is. a mess. so tonight i claim this sadness and tomorrow i'll clean it up or sweep it under the rug, at least for now. things get dirty, you know.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-08-22T17:43:00

2004-08-22T21:48:42Z

what you say reminds me of six months ago. every time this happens i seem to be in the role i was once across from. i don't mind this one, but i can't tell you why i chose it either.

in a completely (well, not really) unrelated story: re-attack of the summer boy crush :D haha, i don't know how this happened. am i just being utterly stupid? most likely yes.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-08-09T04:02:00

2004-08-09T08:18:00Z

the one thing you won't let me tell you is the truth. so i figure it has to come out sometime or another. the truth is that you scare me.
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i had it backwards all along. i'm not a "no" person so what was i thinking?
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i can't read this book anymore. but i can't stop either. it hurts when something so serious and frightening is so incredibly interesting- and then someone tells you it's part of your life with a different face. and i can't explain it, and i don't want to. all i can remember is the sound of her voice and her eyes and everything she said. all i could do was stand in silence and wait for what i didn't know was coming. i'm still not sure i believe her.
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this is the stage where i am anxious and excited and think about nothing else. this is everything and nothing like this time last year.

she measures time in music and swing sets, but this time it's silence and for once she enjoys waiting in the calm, anticipating the next step.
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tell me your story.

attack of the super-mom

2004-08-01T00:48:21Z

she can play this game as much as she wants, but i refuse to get pulled into it.

it feels like you're still pretending we're the cleavers. STOP.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-30T21:41:00

2004-07-31T02:04:36Z

i'm not sure what you're thinking when you speak, but sometimes i think it has to do with the lack of thought. the one thing you won't allow me to tell you is the truth. how dare you fucking take my safety.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-28T10:30:00

2004-07-28T14:31:15Z

and as optimistic as i am i've still got my insecurities over you. but hey, that's okay, because it just is :)

this feels like a paper trail i make you follow just to watch you squirm.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-25T08:37:00

2004-07-25T12:40:02Z

part of me wants to be able to say yes. most of me knows i can't. i wasn't lying when i said it wasn't you.

i hope he's here today. i haven't talked to him in weeks. maybe that's what the dreams are about? i need to figure that out.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-22T04:30:00

2004-07-22T08:44:42Z

just because you say you don't, doesn't mean it's true.

i have a hard time with defining necessary problems and those we create on our own. my troubles lie in coping with your mess, and maybe a bit of my own. i can't optimism my way out of this one, not after having felt the midnight insanity return. i feel like being okay about this is just another way of hiding, and i'm not sure i'm ready to be found (so why do i leave clues?)... i want someone to tell me i'm being dramatic and that everyone goes through this, i want to know i'm being stupid and petty and these aren't necessary problems. i'm not sure whether they are or not but either way i'm a fool. why do i care? oh right, because i'm inconvenienced and selfish.

i feel like i'm pushing people aside right now, and i don't mean to. i really don't. i'm sorry for not investing in the middle of all this- show me how.

answer me this:
does thinking insane thoughts make you insane, or does the lable demand an action?

someone's looking for an apartment. the PRP and j-town locations are starting to bug me.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-20T23:47:00

2004-07-21T03:50:10Z

reynolds-green family crisis of the summer number 2349100587509287 complete and out of the way! woohoo! we can stop with the all the non-humorous little-disasters now, they're getting old. with school starting soon, hopefully it'll be a new era. also starting is that era where i stop complaining and being emo so much. i think my problem lies in that i have no problem.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-19T06:02:00

2004-07-19T10:18:33Z

i found a cardtrick at the bottom of my drawer. i want to give it to you as a reminder and token of the magician but i'm not sure you'll remember what i'm talking about. details fade as do memories, but meaning stays the same. i just need to remember why it engraved itself in the side of my head.

the raffi tape is tempting me but i want to wait to watch it with frrrances. i used to love raffi so fucking much :D

i sat on the porch, her two concrete stairs above. a single star to my left veiled by a cloud of smoke coming from her burning ciggarette. and once again i was little, listening to the wise one. i will never feel at home with you, will i? it's not a bad thing, just so you know, it's just not home. and now memories run through my head, so much has happened this year, and the only physical evidence i have is the black ash mark on the stairs signaling the end of an era, creating the beginning of a new one.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-17T20:29:00

2004-07-18T00:32:23Z

i remember what i came here to say anyway.

something about needs and wants not matching up, intentions and timing and motivation being off at the moment. what do you do? i don't even know the situations i talk about anymore. that change i felt so hard last week left me and seems to be only manifested in my surroundings- don't leave me in the dust.

i want to do something really stupid just to see what you'll say. in the end i'd probably try to hide from you and tell sunscreen nazi little details that would make her worry over nothing. i'm not sure how little nothing is.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-17T20:25:00

2004-07-18T00:27:51Z

chloe i just had seedless watermelon and thought of you :)

courtney's coming home TOMORROW. it's so weird but i'm v. v. excited!

i didn't make it to ET or to the show tonight. i got lazy and went to sleep.

first on my to-do list right now? fix my sleep cycle.

i wonder if we're still going to the "family reunion" this year...

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-16T18:27:00

2004-07-16T22:28:57Z

everyone has gone insane and there's nothing that can be done about it. just give me back a month ago.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-13T03:28:00

2004-07-13T07:28:01Z

chloe, i have something to tell you. remind me to tell you about thursday, okay?

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-13T01:19:00

2004-07-13T05:21:56Z

elated/confused

confusion reigns.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-11T23:25:00

2004-07-12T04:21:57Z

the things i don't say tend to mean more than what i do. this reminds me of hell yeah and also of you. i don't tell you things because i'm afraid it will mean less.

stoic or smiley? stoic or smiley? sometimes i wish you could read me. sometimes i wish i could read me.

i swear to god the sky is lying. we're inbetween full moons but everything is a million times more crazier than it has been in my entire life combined right now.

and the one time i expected the straw to break this camel's back he told me that even though i wouldn't physically be there he still knew i loved him. and then this blows me away because we were talking and the last thing i expected out of his mouth was that he'd pray for me- but that's what he said. and i just melted.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-11T22:59:00

2004-07-12T03:01:52Z

family's here. and not that i don't love her to death but just rrrrr. worst time possible as well.

yesterday and today wore me out, which is good because now i can finally sleep.

i may not be able to go to philly to get courtney. and i hadn't thought about it this way until tonight but: if i don't go, i will be here alone for the weekend with saint frances and the reverend. plllease no.

still grappling with stupid, stupid decisions and mistakes. always will be. not looking forward to it.

i'm just so tired.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-10T17:53:00

2004-07-10T21:59:13Z

i just got eaten up by mosquitos again, including a bite on the cheek the red paint on my arms looks like i'm bleeding. i don't mind it.

shopping around today made me feel independent and ready to be out on my own. i want to know home mantience and how to cook and sew and pay bills, but not in that housewife kind of way. if i ever become a housewife slap me. hard.

mother are trails of stars in the night, fathers are blackholes that suck up the light

2004-07-10T20:52:43Z

but one day we'll float, take life as it comes...

courtney comes home soon and it feels a bit less stressful. it will stay this way. it WILL stay this way.

room is clean, good music is on, xena will be rolling around in her ball, i'm about to finish painting.

i can't hold grudges. i tried to stay mad at my mother this morning but it just didn't work. gift or no sometimes i wish i didn't have it. except i'm glad i do because i feel terrible staying mad. she's actually good to talk to one-on-one, and i don't feel so offensive if i cross a line into emo-irrational-teenager. she's not the one to sit there and make you feel like you can't react.
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it's weird because i never felt this way until you mentioned it and then all of a sudden i notice it more and more. it never bothered me, i liked it, and now it's everywhere. even when the other person is a thousand miles away and you're mentally further. and then when you bring it up and i tell you how i feel it just gets abandoned. like everything else. and it's not like it effects anything, it's just...there.

i wish you didn't change faces in the middle a scentence.
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it's nice to know you don't have to have a reaction to everything- a hardcore opnion you stick to because of your beliefs and convictions. sometimes things just happen and even though they have major effects and then affect you a lot, it's just not something you have to feel something about. thank you joesipher.
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i feel like this journal should be riddled with bullets of poe lyrics- shots of haunted secrets and feelings. And for a moment they might fit but I'm not always so sure.

Word has it on the wire
That you don't who you are
Well if you could jack into my brain
You'd know exactly what you mean here
Mothers are trails on stars in the night
Fathers are black holes that suck up the light
That's the memory I filed on the fringe
Along with the memory of the pain you lived in
Hello

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-10T01:56:00

2004-07-10T05:57:57Z

this is the part where i'm just ready to leave so i'll do it all myself.

i don't care what the room looks like anymore it's just getting done.
not for her though, not for her.

/end emo here

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-10T00:26:00

2004-07-10T04:33:29Z

and she's the fucking counselor- rational and understanding. mhm...right.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-09T07:21:00

2004-07-09T11:21:32Z

If I had money:
http://www.katereed.com/final_art/primitive/primitive_1_r2_c4_f2.jpg

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-09T02:16:00

2004-07-09T06:20:24Z

someone's livejournal interests have been listed only as what follows below. they have no entries and their biography simply reads "blah blah blah. enough said".

books, chicks, drinking, food., herstory, history, museums, music, road trips, theirstory, tv.

i would date them in a heartbeat.

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-09T00:18:00

2004-07-09T04:30:26Z

okay well no movies but happiness came in strolling downtown talking about abnormal situations like they happen everyday (which they do). there's not much you can do about it but just go with the flow. so i do. it's weird because no one's behavior has changed. i just think no one knows what to do. i'm ready to let it go.

not much attention span on my behalf. not always such a bad thing.

hoping for movie soon. very soon.

how come when i get compliments i don't believe- or feel like i shouldn't believe because that would be cocky, i want to apologize?

clairvoyant_ @ 2004-07-07T22:28:00

2004-07-08T02:30:29Z

avoiding life ceases as of tomorrow afternoon at the movies. plllleeeeeaaaaase let it work out.

i didn't do family dinner tonight because i was watching SVU. ha.