+ Journal is half friends only, half public
+ I'll add just about anyone, just tell me who you are first
- Mood:
bored - Music:Lacuna Coil- Fragments Of Faith
I'll re-cap a bit on my week.
Friday night went to Kings Cross for Amber's birthday. Was really fun until about 3am when a girl started mouthing off to Claire, Claire started mouthing back at her so the girls boyfriend punched Claire in the face. Cole (Claire's big brother) went nuts (I would have too). 3 guys jump on him, 4 girls or so jump me and Claire. I was trying to tear everyone apart but then we all got dragged outside by bouncers.
The people run off to get police. Now THIS is where everything went to shit. One cop grabs Cole and puts his arms behind his back and was trying to calm him down. I was trying to calm Claire down while being questioned by another officer. Then another cop went up to Cole and punched him three times in the face. He had blood all over him. Claire went hysterical and tried to get to Cole and the cop grabbed her and threw her at a wall. I ran to Claire and the cop says something along the lines of 'hey girlies look at this' and elbows Cole twice more in the face, he still has his hands behind his back and is completely defenceless.
Girl cop starts talking to Claire and the cop who assaulted Claire and Cole shoves me and starts trying to get me to talk (I was silent the whole time except for when I was telling Claire and Cole not to say ANYTHING) I wouldn't say anything to the cop because I didn't have to so he said 'what do you know, you stupid little bitch' I just smiled and said well geez I work for lawyers and my Uncle's a barrister so I know my rights,and I'll have all your details thanks. So he gave me then (cause he had to) but I lost them. I remember his name though and what he looked like but I can't do anything. Anyway they finally let us go and everyone else came out and we had to go home basically. Cole's nose is totally smashed and he was covered in blood.
It was so fucked up.
Last night was my work Christmas party. Was SO fun. And the food was SO good. We got 'awards' they were so funny and mine were hysterical. I got a pina colada mixer box (just add rum and freeze!) and a litre bottle of vodka (hello new years!) and Sharon gave me $150 cash. Then we went back to hers to swim and got completely trashed. Smoked a cigar with Abby and Len then got picked up by Peter. Got home and realised I'd lost my award and my Phone. TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. But I left it in Peter's car and him and Abby dropped it back at my house.
Talked to Ben as well but don't remember it. Am so hungover today. Was meant to go to Centrelink today with Dad to talk about youth allowance and finish Christmas shopping. Opps. Guess I'll have to go it tomorrow haha.
I talked to Ben a bit this week because I'm trying to keep things civil. He keeps going on about how sorry he is and how he wishes he could do everything differently but bottom line is nothing can be done to fix it and I don't even know if I can be friends with him, am way too hurt. However I think being unforgiving is one of the ugliest traits a person can have. But I don't know what to do or think. I'm too gutted.
Can not wait for this fucking year to be over. Can not wait for February 2010.
I feel a great need to physically change my appearance. Maybe I will dye my hair red again.
- Mood:
contemplative
Weekend was pretty mad, but went so fast. Saturday went out to Manly which was fun but then turned awwwkward cause the guy Claire's seeing has a friend who has the hots for me apparently and we've met but I had NO recollection and was trashed so they invited him to Manly and I seriously thought they were all joking and then he showed up and I was like OH. :|....
VERY awkward. I mean he wasn't ugly but I know that he wants a girlfriend and I am so NOT interested in anything at the moment unless it's very disposable and understands that. Sounds horrible, but true.
Also went off at these kids who owed Claire money and wanted us to sneak them into Shark Bar and then one started calling her a slut and I was all YOU'RE TWEELLVE MOTHERFUCKER YOU'RE FUCKING TWWEEEEEEEEELVEEEEEE. It was so funnaaaay.
Sunday gave Dad an early birthday celebration cause he's in Queensland for work up until Christmas pretty much and I was PISSED CAUSE MY GRANDMA BOUGHT HIM WHAT I WAS GOING TO FOR CHRISTMAS FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK. Dang it. So yeah. I'll probably still get him a Ralph Lauren shirt as...mine will be so much better than Grandma's one!
This weekend I have epic plans. Seeing paranormal activity on Friday. Saturday need some SERIOUS sleep then have to go to Bondi to get tattoo checked on (FYI its looking totally amazing) going to pancakes on the rocks with family for Dad's birthday dinner part 2, then going to Club 77 with Claire. Sunday I will somehow manage to drag my ass out of bed because I'm volunteering at Bear Cottage's Christmas party. My Mum works there. It's a palliative care childrens hospital so yeah :( all very sad and they get NO GOVERNMENT FUNDING at all so yeah DONATE TO THEM :) they are truly an amazing hospital!
I got offered tickets to Soundwave AND Placebo's sideshow this weekend too but I'll be at orientation week for Uni. Omg omg...Omg. Major. Depression. BUT my Brand New tickets arrived! Now just a way to get to Melbourne and back that weekend. har Har har.
I also am buying this
IS IT NOT THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER OMGOSH.
- Mood:
drained - Music:Queen Adreena
My dearest lj friends, I can not even word to you how much this tattoo I got today means to me.
Hopefully later this week I can post a clearer photo. The outlining and shading is just amazing, it is absolutely what I wanted.
This tattoo is a forever reminder to rise above bullshit, move on and let go when it needs to be done. It's a reminder of everything I've learnt the past two-three years, how much I've accomplished and overcome.
I'm absolutely in love with it.
Pete did it and he was fantastic! Totally going back there for second one. They were all really impressed with me cause I sat like a rock and wasn't bothered by it at all. I actually quite enjoyed it to be honest. Tim said I'm as tough as nails and the manager said I was the toughest girl she's ever seen and told me this huge mr self important tough guy came in yesterday to get his ribs tattooed too and was in tears the entire time!
Saturday I went to the beach with Claire. It was amazing and I felt very content, even though I need to do something soon that I really don't want to but needs to be done.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Australia, New South Wales
I got my hair cut.
I hate it, but it needed to be done. My ends were really split and damaged. I've managed to get rid of a lot of my stupid layers though and have cut off all the hair damaged from when I bleached it. Now it just needs to GROW DAMNIT.
Also a client from work cut it. Very awkward. I pretended I didn't recognize her.
Some interesting stuff happened this weekend. Saturday night went out to kings cross. In afternoon was waiting for Claire and her bro to pick me up outside kfc and this guy walked past me and goes "eeeeyyy... Oh you're really skinny ew" I was like EXCUSE ME?!
Then later on when we were waiting for bus to get into city and this other guy comes up to me and is all hey I'm rob how you doing nice to meet you and I was like uh huh hi and he held his hand out for me to shake but I didn't and he was like aww and I was like uh huh.. Go away please! Then him and his mates walked off and be turns around and goes oh yeah I know where you live you live off so and so street in warriewood don't you?
And I was like WTF.. You fucking creep cause that's where I live he just got the street name wrong but I live off a street than the one he named. Fucking freaked me out especially when I walked home later that night at 4am.
Night was a total bust. Didn't go to the onlove reopening like had been planning on for a month because John said he had us on a guest list for world bar but couldn't remember the name when he got there, Ryan hit Amber and when we eventually got into the Soho club Cole cracked the shits and made us all leave at 2am!
Total waste of time and money ended up spending $200 and have nothing to show for it except the memory of a really tasty subway I got mmm.
Called Tim as well. Getting tattoo at 12pm on Sunday. So excited!
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Australia, New South Wales
This is my last weekend of smoking!
I'm going out clubbing Saturday night so I will definitely be puffing away. After that, no more! One, if I don't quit before Uni I know I will NEVER quit and I really want to now.
Two, I am beginning to find comfort in it rather than it just being a bad habit. I don't like finding comfort in smoking, much like I don't like finding comfort in eating. I think comfort eating is stupid and is a huge lack of control. I like being in control. After years of training my brain I only see food as sustanance and a neccessity rather than something to enjoy. People say this is why I'm so skinny, but I'm really un toned and unfit and in general dislike my figure.
So next week I'm gonna try and exercise after work now too. Woohoo
I'm becoming quite restless with everything else. I really want to get out of Sydney. The only people I can stand currently is Ben and Claire. Everyone is being shit. All of bens friends are being horrible to him too. It makes me so angry. Danny has picked drugs over a friendship. I seriously don't know how I managed to meet so many dropkicks it actually amazes me sometimes.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Australia, New South Wales
Yesterday I got a letter in the mail. An early offer of acceptance to my first preference course at my first choice university for new souh wales. I never ever thought I would get this course, let alone an October offer! I didn't even know they did October offers!! This also means I get a higher priority for accommodation.
Dad is so happy with me. This was the uni and course he really wanted me to go to. I haven't told him I applied for any Melbourne unis yet though, or that I have a good chance at getting one either. So I don't really know what to do. Do I risk everything, a really fantastic course the one I REALLY wanted but never thought I'd get, or do I just take it and kick myself later if I do get my melbourne course?
Aggh it's so complicated. But regardless, I am 100% leaving Sydney next year for good. Thank god. I'm ecstatic!
Now Im going to meet up with Claire to get ready for the Halloween party and the city. I'm sure I will have many hilarious pictures to post!
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Australia, New South Wales
So I bought a new plant today (an alive one!) and a new fish!
I know it seems really insensitive to replace my fish so soon, but I just felt so sad staring at her empty little tank :(
Not a very good picture of him. He's quite orange! I normally like female siamese fighters because I resent that people don't like them because they're "ugly". But this guy was so unique to his fish neighbours I had to get him. I can't think of a name though. I was thinking Leonardo.
I also got my passport photo done today but I look disgusting in it and I don't think it will be accepted cause it's not exactly straight one. I can also not stand it being my passport photo for a decade so on Saturday I'm going back to the photo place to say it hasn't been accepted haha. FWHAA. Beating the system, oh yeah.
I also forgot to show this off. Ben bought it for me off ebay!
If you don't know already, I'm beyond obsessed with TrueBlood and the Sookie Stackhouse novels. BEYYYOOOOOND. NOW I HAVE A NEON GLOWING BAR SIGN HANGING IN MY ROOM. Now I just need to get those Alexander Skarsgard bedsheets!
This Saturday night is going to be ridiculously fun. Me and Claire are dressing up as sparkly vampires for Halloween. Going to BenDannyTim's joint birhday/halloween party then heading into the city to club hop. I even bought blood capsules today at a costume place so our vampire looks can be perfected! By the way, we both hate Twilight. More than you can even imagine.
- Mood:
ecstatic - Music:Muse
I think this will be my last public post for a while though, I didn't really realise how many people were lurking me/aware of this blog :|
Not a big worry really, just midly irritating.
Anyway
Oh dear I keep getting up and walking away from the computer. I'm going to sit and write now. Had a super fast week at work. Nothing really fantastic but nothing horrible. Except Friday we got to wear jeans! woo!
I discovered my jeans all don't fit anymore. They are too big, which is really odd because I've put on weight. I'm back in a hating-my-body mind frame again. Today I really want to go for a bike ride but I can't find the pump and a tyre is flat. boo. Anyway Monica said I could join her gym but I hate gyms I like being outside. And I really live in a perfect place to go for a run, paths and shit everywhere.
Tomorrow is Father's day. We are taking Papa to his favourite restaraunt which means its really expensive. And it is, gonna cost me $200 alone.
Not much else to say except I haven't smoked in THREE WEEKS. Yup, THREE WEEKS. I think I may have finally kicked it to the curb. I have never been a big smoker, in HSC I was, but I always have some when I go out or whatever. Thursday night when I was waiting for Claire out the backdock all I could smell was cigarettes and it made me feel sick.
P.s I was told this week that LiveJournal is totally "lame" and everyone uses some other site now. Fuck them man. We are the best blog!
- Mood:
complacent
They were the most pathetic things I have ever read in my life. People always say 'Oh don't delete them because you can read back on what you were like or how different things are.' No, I don't want to read back. I don't want to remember. Last year was absolute HELL for me and reminiscing is the last thing I'd like to be doing.
I wonder what it is about me that turns people off so much. Whenever I try to reconcile with somebody I've fallen out with, regardless of whose fault it was, something always goes wrong. They'll throw it back in my face, or hold things against me, or think I have ulterior motives, or think it’s a joke. I don't understand what it is about me that is either insincere or causes people to be so apprehensive.
Monica once said to me one of the things she likes about me is I can admit all my faults. And I can. I can be vindictive, selfish, conniving and vengeful and I'm really fucking good at it. I'm also incredibly judgemental, critical and generally quite snobby. I don't like sharing and I don't like letting people in.
However I know there are good things about me too. I can generally accept myself for the way I am, faults and good qualities alike. However I think what my downfall is I yearn for people to accept me soso much. I'm independent, and I don't need a person to lead me, but I crave acceptance to the point where I think people either can't figure me out or...actually I have no idea.
The only people I have ever felt at ease with were my group of friends in Melbourne (FEEMSH we called ourselves) and for a period of time JET too. In one of my past entries which I've deleted, I said how I considered Jack and Tim to be my brothers almost, and Fonia, Marlee and Vanessa like sisters. The first point is an absolute fucking joke now, beyond a joke actually.
Fonia, Marlee, Vanessa I still hold so close to my heart, and have never wronged me. I can happily add Claire to that list too (and God, I hope I can keep her there because I simply adore her) but all my friendships in Sydney have been so disposable, so fake. And I really can't quite pinpoint whose at fault, or if it’s anyone's fault at all.
Earlier I was reading work Claire's facebook notes and she wrote this on one of them:
If you can't forgive someone, just forget them.
I think that’s what I need to do now, just forget everyone. There is no point trying to amend anything with anyone anymore because they simply don't care, or want to put effort in, or hell I guess I'm just a really bad fucking person. Or I guess just can't forgive. I realise now when you try to make something right, both parties need to forgive or it simply can not be fixed.
I need to accept that Sam and Ryan are no longer "my friends", and I need to let them go. As much as they say they love me, and miss me, and consider me a "best friend", real friends don't do what they do.
I need to value what I have now, and look to what I can gain in the future, rather than live in the past, dwell on things I can not change and remember people who I can not get back. It is simply a waste of time, thought and feeling.
I think in a way this post sounds incredibly depressing. It’s not meant to. I want it to be reflective, as a reminder to myself of things which have happened and what I can do to avoid them in the future. This is a change for the better, a fresh start and a clean slate!
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
If you can't forgive someone, just forget them.
- Mood:
thoughtful - Music:Brand New- Not The Sun
Sunday night I barely slept and then threw up all morning. I FINALLY got to sleep and Minh (recruitment lady) rings me and wakes me up and is all 'oh yeah you sound really sick but you forgot you're meant to tell me too, not just Sharon' and I'm like 'I'm sorry you're not the first person I think of after I spew my guts up Minh, won't happen again!'
So I dragged my ass to work this morning anyway and got sent home. Went to doctors then bought a huge bottle of water and a salad sandwich. Both were so tasty, except my throat is so swollen (and infected apparently says Mr. Doctor) that it was painful to enjoy tasty sandwich.
Now I'm really hungry again but there is not much to eat in the house, and it hurts to eat. I'd actually really like another salad sandwich. They never taste the same when you make them youself compared to buying one though.
- Mood:
sick
Saturday was going to get my tattoo, which failed cause 1. I forgot to call 2. really need to put that money towards America 3. Felt like shit.
Today I was going to go to movies with Ben then go out to dinner with Claire and Simone. Now I'm stuck at home while my family is at Ikea. I LOVE IKEA. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. My glands are so swollen I can't eat and can barely talk.
Hopefully I get a few days off work because I feel like I've barely slept, even though I have its been really restless. But I'll still have to go in tomorrow morning at least. AGH.
I am home alone right now. Which is nice. I really value my alone time now. I never get alone time, especially at home. Home normally is my crazy family running around doing crazy things. I love my crazy family, but I love being alone too.
I'm going to start a new Zelda Twilight Princess game right NOW. Right after I check if the new Brand New album has leaked.
It hasn't. Laaaaaame.
- Mood: sick
- Music:A Perfect Circle
I hate almost everyone I know in Sydney.
Simply because they disgust me so much that I've lost so much faith in humanity due to them, their words and actions.
I can't wait til I'm an ecologist and just study the environment and animals. I can't wait to move next year. I could cry by how much I ache to leave Sydney. I'm so unbelievably unhappy here that I'm beginning to become completely isolated from everyone except Claire and my family.
edit; I've lost it. I just cracked the shits over not being able to find my work pants and then burst into tears and just cried on mums shoulder. I. Have. Lost. It.- Location:Australia, New South Wales
Rather interesting weekend. Friday me and Claire hung out playing guitar hero, vodka and krispy kremes. At one point we sat out the front of the house and bagged kitty our because she's still being a rank bitch. So when Claire got picked up I walked her to her car, came back and saw kittys car gone. She had also locked me out of the house, at midnight in freezing weather with weirdos walking around the street. I absolutely cracked the shits. When she walked through the door (after I'd gotten back in by breaking through the back door) I started screaming at her. Fairly immature but whatever.
Saturday night went out for seans birthday. I bought some new clothes including this mega hot dress! Started out at pub and went to manly. We got kicked out at first bar which was fucked because I'd hardly had anything to drink. Second bar Hannah, who was so pissed she stumbled through the door got let in, but I got denied WHEN I WAS THE MOST SOBER!! Manly is a fucked up place.
After that we bought two bottles of wine and a six pack and went back home where eventually everyone else joined us. I fell asleep on the couch watching Harry Potter.
So good weekend overall. I guess me and Kitty are kind of okay. We had a little chat at the pub. I really greatly dislike her though.
In fact the only real thing getting me through at the moment is "in march I'll be out of here, in march I'll be out of here"
Tonight I also smashed a bottle of oil. The shopping bag it was in just slipped from my hand and oil went everywhere! It was also a 12 dollar bottle. Uuggghhhh!!!
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Australia, New South Wales
You know, it's odd in my last entry I didn't mention Sam as someone I can count on. Very odd indeed.
Today was a looooong day. Did uni campus tours at Albury and Wodonga. Here is something fantastic, la trobe HAVE to accept me because my uai is high enough! I'm not guaranteed accommodation though, which is nerve wracking. I got the degree, now I need a place to live. Their accommodation is limited and high in demand which suuuuucks.
Have also realised Kitty not speaking to me is a fantastic thing! Now I don't have to listen to her blah blah blah constant bullshit. Oh yeah.
Here is my plan for week'
1. Polish remaining vodka off with Clairey
2. Harry potter duh ><
3. Pay off debt to telstra. Final bill came, $400something. Not too bad really!
4. Find new makeup. Skin is beginning to react to something.
5. Download all eps available of true blood season 2!!
Okay so not really awesome solid plans but whatever. I need sleep now, Tata!
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Australia, New South Wales
Pieces of my puzzle are sliding back into place, despite having had a really shit week and people treating me like crap.
I will summarise;
1. Have spoken to Ben and actually managed to sort a lot out, which is nice. I think I need to let things flow on there own rather than try to control everything. Is my last entry void though? I don't know, I really don't. But right now I need to focus my energies into the now and uni.
2. Sorted things out with Mon about all the Pauline bullshit, but Kitty is being a right fucking bitch to me. Last night I was exhausted, emotionally drained and had read all the nasty things she wrote about me to ben all week. Normally I could let that reflect back off me, but because of circumstances I just snapped and could not stop crying. Her and Glynnis then sat whispering and making snide comments. Very kitty behaviour, Glynnis not so much. Then I was sitting out on the balcony and Glynnis came out,ignoring all the tears running down my face and just chatted away to Ben. Later he said she asked if I was okay, oh god I'm not even going to start on that, totally pathetic.
3. Work was shit. Lynne is a bitch and tries to undermine everything I do. It's like, you're 60 and threatened by a 19 year old. UGH just AAAAAGGGGHHHHH
4. I hate that the only people I can count on is Claire and Ben. I'd say Allan, Marlee and Fonia but they're too far away from me. My safety net is too small and I'm feeling very insecure. I have my family too of course, but with moving next year I feel like I need to break away and build some more independence.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Australia, New South Wales
</a>It's so pretty. We pick it up on Wednesday!
Spoke to Allan today as well, which was really nice. He's moving to Melbourne now which is AWESOME cause that's where I'll be in another year!
( Here are pictures of my room. Cause I got bored. And wanted to use my iphone camera. Actually kinda shit quality. But whatevz. )
On Monday 20th me and Dad are heading to Albury to look at two uni's. Should be sweet. Haven't asked Sharon for the day off yet though. Shouldn't be a problem.
I need to go get ready now. Going out with Claire to see the Hangover. Then heading to Bens for the night.
- Mood:
rushed
Anyway so Alex picked us up and we had a sweet as night. Met a lot of cool people and Claire was so drunk ahaha. Played pool against Alex and only JUST lost. By one ball man. So unfair.
There was a little bit of drama around midnight which I won't talk about because its about stupid people I don't want to write about anymore, but said people can't stop talking about me. I'm super important u c.
Ben and Danny picked us up around 2 I think which was mega lame cause we wanted to stay but it was FREEZING and Danny was all I NEED TO SEE GLYNNIS (his girlfriend) so yeah.
Next weekend I'm going to get my tattoo. I KNOW I ALWAYS SAY THIS I KNOW. But I'm getting it!
Time for a shower and getting ready for bed now. Workies tomorrow!
- Mood:
happy
But I got a sleep in which was awesome. Totally needed it, I feel really refreshed!
This is what I wore
its turned idk why anyway I really like that dress!
SO back to work tomorrow. This weekend I'm going to watch all of trueblood season one (cause I got it yesterday HEEEHEEE:D) and go through all my clothing. My closet is ridiculous at the moment. I've got a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear!
I ALSO GOT PHOENIX WRIGHT THIS WEEK. I love Kylee! I've bought all this super cool stuff lately, I really need to start saving for America.
- Mood:
content
I got my iphone and tried to post an entry from it and totally failed. It's really hard to get used to the touch screen but otherwise I'm in L-O-V-E with it!
Life has been pretty fucking fanastic. I finally opened my eyes to this great realisation, like completely turning a new leaf. Or...like when everything just finally snaps together like a puzzle. Everything has just managed to come together in the last few weeks and I can not find a thing to complain about. Let me summarise.
1. I've finally figured out what I'm doing next year. I'm moving on and moving away, literally. I'm no longer hellbent on people who aren't coming back. I found my Uni course at Charles Sturt University (environmental science and management). Charles Sturt is on the border of NSW and VIC which means I'm moving out baby and I'm SO excited! For one, I fucking hate Sydney and almost every person I've come into contact with here. Moving out means a brand new, clean slate and a new found independence before I move back to Melbourne (if I get into the University of Melbourne, hopefully for a bachelor of environments and arts >.<).
It's all really odd because I'm normally a make-it-up-as-I-go-along kind of person, but now I have my sights set firmly on my goal and nothings getting in my way.
2. Because of said decision to move I no longer need $8000 for my pathway which means I can save all my money for a family holiday to America at the end of the year. Fucking sweet as.
Thats all really. Life is no longer shitting on me. I feel great.
and my hair is getting long again.
- Mood:
satisfied
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