i want to get really mad at someone. i want to yell at them and cry and punch them and maybe throw things. that is the kind of mood i'm in. the mood that usually ends up in breaking my phone or slamming my door or snapping at my parents or something wholly unsatisfying like that.

it was such a weird week. i feel like i got dumped. it really dragged me down this week. i haven't gotten drunk in over two weeks. that might be part of it. i just feel like shit. most of the time spent with friends this week has been really good, but every time i'm alone i just fall into this pit of anxiety and sadness. i've asked people to rescue me in the middle of the night twice. i've been avoiding people i don't know how to deal with. i'm really nervous to go back to outdoor school tomorrow because last week was so hard and so unrewarding it wiped me out. this week was supposed to be my recovery time but instead i spent it flip-flopping through emotions and putting things off. i'm exhausted instead of refreshed.

i've been coasting for so long now that i feel like everything is going to come crashing down very soon. in fact, i think this may be the beginning. (of course, on a fixie you can't coast.. maybe i should start living more dangerously.) i keep pretending that if i just ignore consequences and do the things that make me happy then the consequences won't exist, but i've never been sure that was true.

i miss a lot of people right now, and i feel like that's wrong. i don't need to miss them- they're still here.