Sinuyo't Nabighani

This weekend was nothing short of monumental. So many "firsts" were knocked down in one go. And I had hella mad fun doing all of it.

Let's see now.

1. Radio show debut with Patti

See, for me... this one was a major curve ball. I had mentioned this previously but really, I'm still pretty stoked that this came out of nowhere. I forever will acknowledge as long as this radio show is alive, that Patti is the REAL DJ in the booth. I'm just the sidekick with the nunchuks. I don't even really SEE the board. I doubt I can handle that. Having the mic, the headset, my phone, a laptop (with twitter and ym jumping simultaneously) AND having to speak already blow my mind. So sitting at the board is something I am still very unprepared to do.

Now that I've finally gone official, I plan to step it up. As much as I can for as long as I can. I know what a privilege it is to be able to board with someone like Patti who just flows and churns that buttah. She makes ME sound good, and we all know I don't sound that good.

A few things have to be said. I know MTV/U92 took a MAJOR chance on me. I don't care what you think or what people say, I know I'm not the most deserving out of the bunch and I will continue to say that until I earn my keep and learn my chops. Okay.

I am blown away by how God set this up. It has been easy peasy from the get-go. I was wandering around the concert grounds and I happened to turn my head to the video walls they had set up on both sides of the stage. Suddenly, I saw it. "Shakedown with Patti and Carisse" up on the huge jumbotronic screen. The fact that they are behind us all the way leaves me no room to slack off or take any of this for granted.

That being said..

2. My first event as an MTV "employee"

Or rather... "talent". I came to the Katy Perry concert and got in backstage because of certain FAN GIRLS. I have never really had to do this because of Mark or other rockstar friends, but it was crazy knowing that I wasn't really legal in that area. I couldn't thoroughly enjoy myself either because I expected that at any moment, some bouncer would shoo me away or escort me off the concert grounds and then Rye and Bi-anne would get in trouble for having a bratty, belligerent DJ loose at some major event.

That being said, I have to say that I feel really spoiled so far. I know, I must be gushing about this new job, but honestly, its pretty sweet. And I had only technically just worked for ONE day at that point. Without going into much detail, let me just say that WOW. They really do go out of their way for you. That puts more pressure on me to give back even more. I just don't want to be a let-down. I don't want to suck and at this point the possibility of suckage on my end is Red Alert High.

But.

I'm also having so much fun. Thank you God for letting me go through this.

I wish Patti and I remembered to take photos of our first day. Good thing there's that video I took. (FROM MY FLIP VIDEO!!! WAAAH!!!!! I LOVE ETTT!)

3. A Pensive Moment

I remember telling a few friends last September that I felt something was up. Something was going to happen. I knew God was hinting at it, but I had no idea what it was. For the most part, I forgot it. Well, maybe after a week of randomly declaring aloud that "Guyyys, something's gonna happen. Something's gonna happen!" and they would say, "WHAT! WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN!"

And all I could say was, "I don't know, basta God's up to something."

Then...kaboink.

I have this sense that some Domino-like effect is about to occur. I'm trying not to analyze it at all because I know it's pointless to do so. That's like trying to physically open your christmas present and its only November. The gift hasnt even materialized yet.

But over-all. Yea. I'm just nodding my head at ya, Papa G.


Photos!

Katy Perry at Encore


"Emo boys who go clubbing" c/o Zach Gehring of MAE

With Dave Pogge, bassist for MAE
Bumpin the choons on his iPod


The COMPLETELY sober Dave Elkins. I kid you not.


The Fabulous Fan Girls I was with.
Haha may hearts pa talaga. Mga leche. Haha


Where I was not supposed to be.

Gaaah, its Arnel Pineda!

And.
Neal Schon signed my Moleskine.

I got to stand around and listen to him explain how record labels used to be afraid of bands and he remarked, "Ya think anyone can tell Led Zeppelin how to make records?"

To which I just nodded my head in agreement. What do I know right? Haha


Truly. What do I know.

I know absolutely

NOTHING.

How much love was in that relationship.
And now I ask what to do with these photos and memories.

Transatlantic, bi-continental love affair.

Its true that you'll never have a love like that again.
People would kill for that sort of thing.



And when you let fear overcome love, you're never gonna be truly happy.

Zo! feat. Phonte - My Flame

Shared via AddThis


Oh how long?
How long have you been away?
Oh how long?
I can't find the words to say
I've kept your picture on my shelf
Only there to remind myself
I have always cared for you
Do you still love me?
Oh my flame
Some things will never change
I still want your vision in my mind
Say you still love me

Oh my love will I ever make you see
Ooh that somehow you are still a part of me
Maybe we can compromise
Cause our love just can't be disguised
I have always cared for you
Do you still love me?

Oh my flame
Some things will never change
I still want your vision in my mind
Say you still love me

Sky is the limit
And you know that you keep on
Just keep on pressin on
Sky is the limit
And you know that you can have what you want
Be what you want

Have what you want
Be what you want

++

I've been dreaming of him again.
In these dreams, he tells me that we can work it out.
He asks me why he cannot find true love that doesn't slip out of his hands
I look at him wanting to be the answer
But always I say nothing
Then I wake up

I'm choosing to do nothing about all these dreams, merely letting him stay connected to me through certain social networks.

Essentially, this is what I did to HIM. I am terrible. Terrible, terrible, terrible. If he only knew how hard it was for me to think of the big picture? If he only knew how hard it was for me to go back to being alone after knowing what it was like to be with him?

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.  (via tumblr)


And yet I know, somehow...

...the best is yet to come.

For some reason I found myself looking through old memories I had apparently categorized on this blog. I had forgotten I had a category just for Pochoy. I'm sure I have more than 5 entries about him in this entire blog, but there were many entries I chose not to identify him directly so I guess that's why there are only 5. There's one entry about his birthday that we spent in San Francisco. I remember that day quite vividly. It was a beautiful, perfect day. I'm glad I wrote about it. 

There are other memories that were brought to surface because I was back-tracking. And now I realize how different things are for me. Much of it totally unforeseen. And always, I am learning about who God is, and who I really am. I am also learning that you don't need to achieve ALL the goals you make, because those that are most important, if you are being persevering) are the ones that will stick around.

It's November now. The last time November was significant to me was when I was in New York getting my heart broken. This year I imagine it won't be as emotionally wrenching. I've always had a certain resonance with November. I'm not sure why.

This Saturday I start a new phase in my life. Certainly it hasn't been a predictable life I've led. There have been really interesting twists and turns, and it has taught me to value direction, patience and commitment. As always, I am hoping to do as well as I can. Your standard should only be yourself - no comparing, no competing with other people. Like I told my Station Manager, I need to pay my dues. I need to go through my own baptism of radio fire. I've been publicly humiliated before, so this ain't nothing new :)

++

Some people have been making lists of Want. Can I make my own as well?

1. A laptop (yes, even if I have an iMac.)
2. A Flip video just like my kuya's.
3. A bike. I still want a low rider.
4. A slew of gear from Nike and Adidas originals.
5. A ton of accessories and clothes from SM department store

I can't think na.

Oh look, Biogesic.

Halloween (probably only my 3rd time to celebrate) would have been more fun if I wasn't sick. The worst time was at Encore (why oh why) but everything else was pure milk. Nasal drip is never fun ey?

Off to rest now.

I have a small voice. In varying degrees and many many instances, I've been laughed at, made fun of, been used as an example, mimicked, or just plain commented on because of how I sound. Believe me, I just live with it. I know how I sound, so what.

Another thing is that I am not normally talkative. This is why I have been labeled as suplada, mataray, feeling, mayabang, or plainly, a bitch. Yessirree, apparently, silence is not as easy to deal with as opposed to talkativeness.

Knowing these facts, I didn't really plan on a media career that has a lot to do with talking. The most I have done is a voice-over or two, and have made it a life-long dream to voice a Pixar cartoon. (Yes, kahit random noises of some background character). This is why it was  surprising that I had been encouraged on different occasions by several friends, to try out for radio. I did a demo here and there on a whim, without expecting any results. 

True enough, there was none.

Last year, though, I was working the spoken word circuit in Makati and made friends with the DJ holding down Soul Food at Absinth. He happened to also be good friends with my brother (as a lot of people are) and told me he wanted to help me out with my pieces. I had no clue that he had such a long history in music already, and actually knew what he was talking about (currently he is part of The Chillitees and heads Corporate Lo-fi).

I bumped into him almost a month ago and he mentioned his move to a new radio station. He also mentioned he needed shows to fill up the weekend time slot. *idea!* I mentioned it to my now-radio partner, Patti and we pitched our show to him a week later. Two days after, we found ourselves speaking with the Station Manager who verbally gave us a go-signal that same morning. Officially I got my offer last week.

It's pretty astounding, and very very cool. While waiting for that email, I half expected it to fall through. Or that they would change their mind. I am used to people changing their minds about me. Offers and contracts also get revoked right at the final stage as well (I can give you a number of stories about this). I know where I stand in the radio world. I have a kiddie voice. I'm not talkative. All I have going for me is a deep love of music, really. Currently, the line up of my station (how strange for me to say that) is daunting. Former MTV VJ's (and one current one) fill up most of the slots, and if not, they are either radio personalities already, or are already active in media.

Then, there's me. Former preschool teacher, uber forgetful girl who has a tendency to be too quiet.

Don't get me wrong, I'm super grateful and really want to give this 100%. In the grand scheme of radio, it really is just a small, weekly Saturday morning show. But as with anything, I want to make it into a great show. I know I'll make a lot of mistakes, possibly earn some haters, and maybe I won't have a looong career in it. But so what?

All these things considered, I know most of it isn't my own doing. I could not have foreseen this development at all, even if I had a standing offer to be trained by a certain DJ veteran. (Flattering and very humbling but somehow it just didnt pan out). Suffice to say, it reminds me that my life is completely out of control. And I like it.

+

Tonight is my debut as 1/2 of the Shakedown duo! Patti and I will be at the CCP Main driveway for Rock Med, part of the relief efforts to help Ondoy and Pepeng victims. I'll be on at 6 PM.



Shakedown premieres on U92 FM (92.3)
on November 7, 2009
10 AM
Tune in and show some love :)

I think one of the things I always talk about is busyness. So l won't. Haha.

2009 has been a supertough year. I should have known because when it came in, I got really sick. In February, I fainted and broke bones in my foot. Over the summer, it was a series of highs and lows where I saw Republikha make some really bold moves, and at the same time the reality of how tough this is really hit me. My mom was going through a series of tests and once again, it was hard to watch and wait.

When I turned a year older, it brought with it the reminder of where my heart really stood on certain matters. There were opportunities to pursue a relationship, but the magnitude of it, as well as the meaning behind it, was too much for me. I've been learning to simplify, accept, and move on. I've been learning about how Manila breathes, thinks and behaves now that I'm sure of who I am and where I need to be. In a sense, I am back to where I started, when I started this whole Christianity thing. What I mean by that, I really cannot explain. I know I have been hurt terribly, have had to deal with feelings of betrayal, being misjudged and misunderstood, and having many turn their backs on me. But you know, I survive and continue to thrive. I don't know how to live without being myself.

Relationships will always be a theme in my life because I like to believe in the best about people. I've come to understand that people will always choose who they really want to love. I've learned that to be in a relationship with ANYONE at any level, requires bravery and compassion. I've learned that for relationships to survive, you need to overcome fears such as confrontation and pride. I've learned that relationships are anchored on habits, opportunities, sometimes schedules and routines. When those are taken away and not augmented, they can and will suffer. Sometimes, irreparably.  I have had to learn how to discern and find that line between patience and acceptance, and speaking up. And knowing that when you do so, there is no guarantee of peace or compassion or forgiveness, or restoration. Thus, you move on. Priorities are seen by the choices we make. We don't need to ask sometimes, when the answer is plain and clear.

I have also learned that my center still relies on my source, and not on its manifestations. I have learned that I cannot be stuck in a category. I refuse, to a certain degree, to be stereotyped. And I will always do things with God-confidence. Not my own, because truly I am a scared, pathetic little girl who knows no better than to be alone and quiet in a corner.

Now that I am almost done with 2009, I am determined to keep the peace. The past few days I've been spending much time with older, more settled women who have spoken so much life into me. I have to say that none of them are in their 20s. I think that says a lot. I don't mean that in a condescending way, but really... these women UNDERSTAND so much more about where I am at.

No matter what, I just have to keep going forward. I see everything even more clearly now.

Yes, it's so right on. Stay tuned for more. Or don't :)





Here's where I used to spend my Saturdays in San Francisco.
My teacher is the big black guy in front. LOVE HIM.

Yes it was the beginner's class, but it was tough yo!



Dance Mission Theatre, SFO.

...

And a song that got me through some turbulent times:





Enjoy, kids.

I do not believe that I am.

But wow. Its 439 am an here I am wide awake. Sleep hasn't been easy this month. Mostly because much of me is suddenly burdened with the temptation to throw everything away everything I've done so far.

The same stands today. I'm supposed to have an event in 2 weeks that involves 235 people. I don't have food or enough transportation yet. I wake up at precisely this time in the early morning and have this feeling of doom. That I need to postpone or cancel this, because it is unwise.

I've been praying about it and I seriously cannot tell if I'm just being a stubborn event girl, or if I really need to heed this call.
Discernment is a tricky thing. But now that I sit here again in the dark, I'm asking for calm to settle. And for wisdom to reign. Mostly, I do not want to endanger lives. Second, I do not want anyone going hungry.

Its also a classic self pity moment, where I feel like there's so much work and it's just me who is moving.

ANYWAY. Its 5 am. I cant sleep. But I'm gonna try.

I'm never gonna leave you.

Some have gone because they realized no one was really reading them.
Some have gone because they got attracted to a new interface, more customability.
Some have gone because they don't wanna write anymore.
Some have gone because they didn't really want a blog anyway and were just testing out the fit.
Some have gone because LJ isn't uso anymore.

Me?

I've met the most amazing friends through you.
You have never failed me. Except when I am on a PC. Haha.
I'm spoiled by your usability.
I'm glad that there are less people on here now. Less clutter, more quality, more reality.

Even if I never have a reader again, I never wrote for a reader anyway.
Well, minsan. But not really.
If I wanted to, I could post this on any one of the social networks I am on to get more readers.
But that's not what you are about in my life ;)

Plus, I believe I'm about to meet chuvaness! *hee hee*

++

Rise above!
Getting disappointed is a part of human interaction.
Constant disappointment? Well, let's have another look, shall we?
And just wait. Disappointment doesn't last forever ;)

++

CONGRATULATIONS EAUJ! And my favorite Pokwang.
Sunod sunod lang ang mga nae-engage!

And... I also bumped into my most awesome ex's fiance.
She doesnt know me though. I think she fits Ian really well.
Her ring was very pretty. And no, walang tinge of sadness or jealousy for me.
Bakit naman ako magseselos?
She's going to be a very lovely wife and a very happy woman.
Ian is awesome sauce x infinity.
I remember him well :)

++

Daming work.
Yun leng.

Basking in the mystery until that bubble bursts.


++

Am happy to be home but am itching to get out again.
Am happy to be hearing so often from Rob.
Am happy to be able to move despite the circumstances.
Am happy to be able to write a nonsense post in the midst of all this.

++

How can I help you today?
Can I offer you up a tune that sounds so soothing?
Are you weary and tired, your soul needing mending?
Come see me :)

++
++

My dear sweetie,

Someone else's jealousy should not be your problem. Don't worry about it na okay?

++

Salamat Panginoon na inilikha mo ang musika.

Don't give up. Don't give in.

++

The message I keep getting again and again is for me not to waste my time. Not to let moments pass me by.
I hope I live up to that calling. I hope I learn how to let go of procrastination.

++

Life goes on.

I sat in the middle of a group that had gathered because of death. There have been too many deaths this year. From natural causes, to accidents, to violence. I particularly see how much of it has to do with the music and arts industry. I know there is a reason for it. Perhaps life is making space for growth to happen. Perhaps a new season needs to be ushered in. Whatever it is, I know we all still haven't fully grieved.

I don't ask God why these things happen. Instead I wonder how to push back against evil that gets the best of us once in a while, always nipping at our heels, convincing us to follow its lead. Plainly stated, evil's main goal is to overwhelm us and make us sink into its depths.

There was a girl there this evening that has been hurting me for almost a year now. I know she does it because she is hurting too. So in a way, I let her. I know what that pain feels like. I care about her enough to let her heal at the cost of my own pain. There was another one who hurt me deeply, and now I just let it be the way it is. No focusing on the past, no wondering about the present. Their presence reminded me that I must remember to always always always choose well.

When I die, and IF I die violently, suddenly.... I'd like to be let go of quietly. I do not want vigils, or gatherings, or any statements made. Let me go, let me be free. Let my death, if it was sudden and violent, be the message in itself. My life coming to an end means that the message I was supposed to send was already sent. There is no need for a call to action. Just live well, live right, and love as hard as you can. Don't be spurred on by my death (or anyone else's for that matter). Just do it because its the only way to live.

++

Lord, I pray for courage. The courage to be honest, the courage to be steadfast. The courage to be compassionate, and honorable, and true.
If there is anything I need in great measure, it is courage. You have called me for such a time as this, and I have taken two steps forward and sometimes three steps back. Help me replace my fear with faith. Help me stand strong for you and be that voice calling out in the wilderness. You created me to turn the tides, and although my feelings tell me often that I am all alone, I know you and me together spells triumph.

You have not given me a spirit of fear. You have given me a spirit of POWER, of LOVE and of SOUND MIND. I choose to move in that spirit, and to abide in that Spirit regardless of the circumstances presented. I choose to move in step with Your heartbeat, turning a deaf ear to the cynic in me.

I will draw my sword. And I will stand my ground. I will run this race, and finish strong.

And for that, I need the courage that only You can supply. And I know you are able to do abundantly more that I can ever hope for or imagine, for You, the one who has called me is faithful. You will finish what You started. And You loved me first.

Everything else pales in comparison when measured against a strong, mighty and immeasurable God.

++

Tomorrow is a new day.
Let's start over, shall we?

¹⁸There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4: 18)

⁵Then the one sitting on the throne said:

   I am making everything new. Write down what I have said. My words are true and can be trusted.(Revelation 21:5)

Shucks. Lindsay Lohan/Ornussa was the peg. I'm like, Lindsay isnt really a role model, yea? But whatevs. haha.

So my friend tells me, 



Never ata ako masasabihan ever in my life ng ganyang comment. "Hey, saw you in FHM!"

Happy Monday! I'm starving!

Paul Meany is a yes!


++

Hi Zee. You're gorgeous, you know? Thanks for chilin' with me the other night. Again again again!

++

You...are like a cool breeze on a summer's day. (soft smile pillow kisses everywhere always)

++

Baguio tomorrow!

Mga leche.

It appears that 2009 is a strange year.

( Glub glub )
++




K-os. The first song of his that made me fall in love with him.
He is awesome sauce.

Jabbawockeez here next weekend. I wanna meet theeeeem. Please Lord? (super hopeful)

+

Crazy thinking and praying weekend. Gotta settle this Gino thing in my heart too, among other things.

*firm resolve*

That was a nice walk we had at 2 AM.

Yes.

...one day, I'll feel like this for someone again.