cawees_

Could it cover history, transgressions made, could it resolve disputes that were not yours to begin with?

The bible asks us to remember that we are all the same - no sin is prettier or lesser than another sin. It completely negates grey areas. Wrong is wrong. Either you did or didn't. Either you're breathing or you aren't. 

We commit sins all the time, much of the time, we sin against each other. Despite our good intentions, our choices reflect the strength of our will, and where our priorities lie. We hurt each other over and over. Good intent is not enough. The trouble is, the really good things in life - those that are priceless - they take forever to build but are wiped away so easily with one tiny crack in the wall. 

And so you are left with the question - how far could your love go? Our frailty suggests that we have limits, coming to the end of how much our humanity can bear.

But yet there is grace. That spirit of grace that pushes us further when we know we cannot, and we sit there wondering how we could have gotten so far. It reminds us of our own shortcomings and failures, and how Jesus overlooks all of it anyway. This act of still accepting us despite being unworthy is what humbles us to start over. He accepts us even as we are unworthy because we were never worthy to begin with. 

So then, the truth is love is not about being worthy is it? It is difficult not to talk about worth and being deserving when we hurt so easily. With forgiveness should come repentance - lest you make a mockery of love. And this is also why we need Jesus - because human love can only do so much and go so far; His love though truly covers a multitude of sins. He washes us clean and shows us the way. So when it is our turn to extend a gracious hand, we know we have no reason to withhold our own forgiveness and set ourselves free too. 

Holding on to pain, hurt, anger and bitterness will eat you up inside. And letting it go doesn't mean what the other person did was right, or that you're okay. It just means you choose to move forward, with or without the one who hurt you, letting go of the pain and anger as much as you need to. And the enormous hole of pain that it creates in your heart is only left with a space that love can fill. Trust me, God can AND will fill it. But first you need to let go.

I'm learning my love has grown deep, wide and high - with its limits and aware of its humanity. I look to Him to show me the way, for I am lost without Him. 

1Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Almost 5 years after my last relationship. 

I say that because the 5 years have literally flown by, and now I am once again, hopefully FINALLY, with someone again. Chris made his way back to Manila, a year after we started talking. It was to be a good 9 months before we would see each other again. In the meantime, he kept pace with me in all my pushing and pulling, my running away, my shutting down. He was never in doubt, whereas I, the one with all the "faith" would slip in an out of certainty. Just like the breeze.

I have learned to calm my raging heart, to stay put when I am ready to bolt. I have learned that trying to control things under the guise of "standards" and "expectations" is a futile exercise. Now that I am here, I am more afraid than ever to get my heart broken, to fail, to have to start over. 

Who likes starting over anyway? But before I kill the joy that has been so graciously handed to me, I must willfully turn to other things.

Listening to the story of his coming back home to his family in the Bay, and how they missed him terribly, tells me that I love a man who more than anything, understands what really matters in life. Coupled with his burgeoning love for the Creator and the willingness to learn and be molded is precious to me.

It is all simple for him, and Little Ms. Complicated Me has to learn that lesson, still. I cannot use my upbringing, my habits, or even my circumstance to make things difficult. Not that I ever really intend to, but I've been built with the skill of over-thinking, wanting too much of what doesn't really matter at the moment, and trying to squeeze philosophy into everything. Could be the poet in me. But as it turns out, despite knowing how I have this almost extreme control over my emotions (being a woman, this is a feat) the truth is that between the both of us the drama queen is still me. 

Over-all though, I fell in love with Chris in the most natural fashion. I don't know the day, or the moment, but perhaps I have always known that he was to be the love of my life. A year has passed in a blur, filled with moments that are unique to my love story - spanning continents and time zones, countries and concerts but always weaving a thread that binds us tight. 

Do I know the end? No one ever really does. All we can do is hope, that what we've made is lasting, and what we're leaving behind will spark blessings to be passed down along generations. Feeble, imperfect, human I truly am but faith takes me through.

Maybe at the end of my life I will look back at the mistakes, the glories, the quiet moments of certainty and be able to say that I did right. 

I've never loved anyone like him.

He knows it too.

He thinks its because all the other guys I've dated are straight hood alpha male type musicians or immigration lawyers from New York who love hip hop and the blues (ironically, there was 2 of them - but not necessarily in the same year. Ha!), guys who have a burning passion to do good in the world but will also disappear on you without warning, whereas he will spend an hour cleaning his mama's kitchen because she isn't feeling well. He will sit with his sister to help her learn the National Anthem because she is singing it at school the next day. He will stay home with his dad who has no one to talk to and nothing to do. He thinks this makes him boring, uncool, common and plain. How far he is from the truth.

And with me, he is deliberate, honest, gentle, and attentive. He is the only one I know who appreciates my random emailed photos of whatever I deem interesting and in the line of my camera's viewfinder. He is also the only one I know who will reply with wonderful messages to each and every one of these emails, with a sincere and encouraging virtual high-five.

He's the kind of man who may not be the baddest on the block, but he sure knows how to stick to his guns. He may not have ever been in a fight, but he fights for me everyday... every second even. He may not look like the others I have dated and loved, whether they were the model or the pugilist or the painter or the DJ or the MC. But infinitely to me, he is the most beautiful man I have ever known, and I tell him so. To hurt him would pain me to no end. Just thinking of it burns. And I already know I want to bend my life's will into his, and it wouldn't even hurt me one bit. He is a constant surprise, and I intend on getting to know him 'til the day I die. I want to give him the happiness he has never known but believes exists, be his support system, his ally, never forsaking him, never embarrassing him, or making him believe I have no respect for who he is. I know he will never have to experience me coming home drunk, or me flirting with another man in any form or fashion, never lying to him even if it will make me look selfish or stupid, and I know I will do my darndest best to keep my things in order even if I thrive in creative chaos. My things are always a little off-kilter and perhaps that's just part of who I am, and yet I will work on keeping things in better order. (I'm not a slob though if that's what you're thinking!)

I will remember these days apart from him, missing out on the big things in his life - his birthday, Christmas, New Year's, dinners, concerts. I will remember listening to him ramble as he falls asleep on the computer, telling me how his day went and mumbling a good night and sorry he's unable to stay awake. I will remember each and every painful thing he has told me because I want to make sure that I will never be the source of that same pain in his life, ever. And I know I will let him watch his beloved American football, each and every game, on those football-designated days, and I'll just sit on the couch next to him, waiting for it to be over.  (He's like that with baseball too. Why do these games last over 2 hours anyway?)

Soon enough, he will be here and I will be with him again. And I write these words so I can remember; when the days are long, the distance unbearable, the memories beginning to fade. I'll come back to this entry and remind myself that he is the most beautiful man I have ever known, and my life is all the better with him in it. No matter where we roam.

This time last year, I was busy bundling up in Northern California, trying to keep warm from the sudden change in temperature and sudden quiet all around.

As I lay in the dark of my friend's guest room, it was a realization that I also believed that I would find love again. Finally, after battling with it for quite a long season, I was ready to believe in "that stuff" again. Heart wide open, heart ever ready.

I also came to terms with the deep love I have for San Francisco. How I confirmed that my love wasn't shallow or confined to a time in my life when I was truly happy. I love the Bay through and through, and it honors me right back by allowing me to be exactly who I am. No questions asked.

Today, I am pining away to be in its arms again. Mostly because, as you may know by now if you've been reading me lately, that I do have Chris. And that means I am still lost in the chaos of Manila, this tangled city of a lot of too much. Why I haven't been able to shake this longing is not even a question anymore. Its just the way it is. And as I am tied to this city for now, I look forward to the day when he finally arrives.

A year later, one that moved so quickly. Much has changed, and some things have stayed the same One thing I know for sure though, is that this time next year, I won't be the same girl I am today. Hopefully better, hopefully wiser, and hopefully... on an even bigger journey than ever before.

xoxo
C.

Me: So Chris, what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

Chris: Well, of course I would love to be a successful and influential singer/song-writer who makes an impact. But really, more than that, what I really want is..

Me: Mmmmhmm?

Chris: ...what I really want is to be the best husband or boyfriend that I can ever be. That's it.

Me: *speechless*

...but I officially hate my day job.

1. International event organizing
2. Grant proposal writing
3. Business plan making
4. Drum playing
5. Local government proposing
6. Sales strategizing
7. Deeper vision casting
8. Leading
9. Listening
10. Soon - pole dancing!

(just had to throw that in there. You didnt think I never had any fun, did you??)

Partial list only, but pretty representative so far.

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1. For music. That good, life affirming, unshakeable, undeniable lovely kind. The kind we all grow up with, grow with, and send on to the next and to the next and to the next. May it thrive and continue to live within our bloodstream.

2. For the musician. To be heard, for their legacies to certainly outlive them, and for them to be remembered. I certainly do not believe there should be a starving artist out there. Not one.

3. For the teacher. Fighting the good fight everyday where it matters the most - the classroom, next to a student who needs it the most, foregoing their own personal pain, problems and comfort to get down deep with a child who is looking to them that they may GET it.

4. For the parent. Praying each moment that the choices they make are the right ones, not thinking twice about their own selves but for the good of the family. Parents who strive to be the kind of man or woman their child will look forward to being like one day. Who understand that the hope and future of a nation is built firstly and most importantly at home. This will stand true no matter how technology, or science, or statistics will show us otherwise. It was true centuries ago, it is true today.

5. For the Philippines. We WILL rise up from the ash. There is no other way. And we will not be stopped.

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As a student, I once wrote an essay to The Recording Academy’s Chapter Office in San Francisco. I took a chance that they may perhaps hire an international student as their spring intern.

I wrote, “I believe I can change my country, and music is the way to do it.”

Needless to say, I got hired.

Find your why, and go after it. With everything that you’ve got.

It's today. I am stalling as I write this. The room pitch black, my face illuminated by this laptop's screen.

It is also 3 am.





Here I go.

Not much has changed since I came home from the US, and yet so much also has. I haven't written in almost two months, a little strange for someone like me who needs the verbal outburst. There's just too much that has gone on, I do not even know where to begin. But I decided today would be that day when I stitch together the old me (the one who needed to write here) and this new me that I am still getting to know. Either way, I like where I am at, and who I am becoming.

When I think of the rest of the year, I know it will move in speeds unlike any other year has. Make me or break me, and even as it breaks me I know myself to be a phoenix.

Him and I - to be diplomatic about it, is a story that is still being written. A good one, I believe. We evolved quickly into strangers and yet are still incredibly connected to each other that there are no words that can describe exactly what that is like. I do not regret any moment or emotion that I had given him; in fact I have him to thank for allowing my strength to come to the surface in even greater fashion. There are things he has asked of me that I haven't let go of. Why that is, perhaps only the future will be able to explain. I certainly don't have the answers; I don't need to be here but I am. There are many things I have endured: silent aggression, being told different things about this man (that he is saying things about me, telling people another side to this story, that I am being used, whatever) and allowing myself to be put in a room with a person who certainly cannot stand the mere sight of me because I seem to cause much distress. Either way, whatever chaos is going on on the other side of this story, I am calm and perfectly still.

The dark days passed through me and quickly; today I am renewed and ever so hopeful still. Not necessarily for him and I in particular, most especially now.  I am hopeful for the future because I know it is good, hopeful for restoration because I know it is possible, and hopeful for my dreams and plans that are all coming into maturity.

Republikha is on the brink of breaking through into the country's psyche... this month has shown that we are moving at a faster pace than before, and I am overwhelmed at the amount of work I need to do. Being a strategist I have a terrible sense of time. Urgency doesn't always move me because if I believe my decision is done without wisdom I'll have an even bigger problem on my hands. Nevertheless, I am blessed and grateful that I am able to influence the industry and its leaders. This is a privilege I know that not many have in their lifetime - I do not intend to abuse it. Most especially that the cynics and jaded music industry players are looking to Republikha, expecting the worst for us but also in most need for it to succeed. I don't plan to let anyone down. There is the manual I need to finish, the photo shoots I need to do, the money I need to raise, the funding agents I need to tap, the album I need to get out there, the artists I need to meet, the business plan I need to put together, the training module I need to design, the meetings I need to have, the budgets I need to fix, the networks I need to create, and the volunteers I need to find. This of course, is the simple, incomplete version.

Julianne as well is posing a challenge - I've never been a manager before and I am certainly learning the ropes along the way. There are glaring shortcomings that I had anticipated, and thankfully I have more often than not risen to the occasion. God is still training me, giving me the words and the audacity to stand firm on many things. How long I'll be manager is another story. I know that season will end when it is supposed to. For now, I learn and grow.

The music fest is perhaps the biggest challenge as yet. I didn't expect to come home with such a big responsibility on my hands. I had the impression that I would have more help than this, but ended up taking the challenge because truthfully I believe in supporting people and their dreams. This is something that he has wanted for a long time, and I did wait for him to tell me that he wanted me off the project. He never said anything. I spent a month waiting, unsure of what my role was, ready to give up. There are still days that I expect him to tell me he wants me to go, but it hasn't come. So perhaps this is really what is meant to happen, and at this point I am a mere project hire.

It is incredibly hard because I have never done anything of this magnitude, but it is teaching me discipline ever so much more, and stretching me to be an even better person. I certainly hope to start finding money in June all the way to the end of the year. I am confident this will happen - mostly because music is still God's idea and the heart of this event is to redeem the music industry. Why would God oppose that?

The other thing is the Girls Club I am heading with International Justice Mission - an anti-trafficking organization that rescues (mostly) young girls from the sex trade. After meeting young men and women who have suffered that fate and been rescued, there really is no way you can find respect or justification for prostitution or pornography. It destroys your heart, mind, body and soul, slowly. It truly will betray you. I will be meeting with about 10 girls once a week and teaching them literacy skills - to speak up, write their stories, listen to truth and read only what can nurture their hearts and spirits.

Lastly, there is spoken word. For so long I have battled with this - do I dive into it or not? Do I turn my artistry on or not? This is the year I have decided that I am an artist and a I WILL live that reality. I plan to activate young people through poetry and education and music. How is yet to be seen. But the what and why have been rumbling in my heart. This has to happen and I am finally going to let it.

There are other things in between that are on my plate - connections with other international artists, offers from big management companies, inquiries about speaking engagements on leadership, requests to oversee other projects.

I fully well know that you should not and must not say yes to everything. Good ideas are sometimes the enemy; we need to say Yes to those things that have the potential to be great and make US great. Not for fame or fortune, but for our characters to be stronger, wiser, and better. There are so many things I have already said yes to. There is not much space for more; I still need personal time to dance, to write and to learn how to be a decent drummer (plus a top-secret personal project for November. Stay tuned!) and of course, to sleep. ;)

Him and I - it is not a sad ending, it is a revelation of our truths. Once accepted, there is no room for sadness. Only remembering, gratefulness and evolution. All of which are blessings.

Our stories are being written; they are ours to write. Make sure yours is good.

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"I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again."

Charles Bukowski

 You know how everything inside you tells you that its just about that time to walk away?

I've said so often that walking away is easy for me. It helped me avoid several crazy circumstances that wouldn't have done me any good. Yes we hear that life is short so live it up, but precisely my point. Life IS short and we don't need to add junk to it. It's hard enough as it is. Instead of collecting short stories that teach you nothing, why not work on the epic novel that will span generations?

There is a silence here, pervading what was once vibrant, electric, abundant, promising. I had moved forward despite the fears. Listening to him, and listening to Him. Until a huge stumbling block presented itself. And now, silence.

I was told that I was deleted from all social networks, and the very few twitter conversations exchanged between me and him felt like eavesdropping. I was told that I was needing to be super-protected and I wonder what could he have done so wrong, and so terribly that I would need that kind of protection? And how can deleting me, ceasing a burgeoning friendship with me, tell me that I am being protected? Apparently, my presence was hurtful. My presence was not entirely met with neutrality, nor was it celebrated. Suddenly everything was difficult, confusing and more complicated than ever. 

The value I place on these precious relationships haven't changed, but the hurt has placed itself smack dab in the middle of my heart. It is not jealousy or even fear that I have felt. It really is a desire to understand and also uphold honesty. It is not a question of me doubting my worth. My worth was never anchored on a relationship or perception.

There was hope abundant here. And now, fog. Mist. A sandstorm. A desert.

Each and everyday that passes, a battle. I am choosing to stay. Because I had decided I would. I decided this is where I needed to be. And I will need to be told to walk away if that's what it is. I refuse a secretary, a valley of rejection to tell me. I need to be told. 

I've also been often told that I am too much to handle, that I am intimidating, that I am too tough, that it seems like no man can match up to me. Now I don't put that on the forefront of my mind and use that to measure anyone or anything. It may be hard to believe but I don't like measuring sticks. 

Besides, this story with him - he knows I come undone in front of him. I've seen him the same with me and he would often tell me that makes him nervous. There were things he had told me about himself that he would repeat to me and would be surprised to know that I already knew. I know that no matter what he does I will always speak highly of him. To me he is still that man who held my hand as he slept on the cold, hard floor on New Year's Eve after making sure I was comfortable on the couch. That, and so much more.

He once began to tell me that he was proud of me, because compared to him, I had made so many wise choices whilst he had much regret. I had to stop him immediately in mid-sentence. This isn't a checklist. This isn't a game of comparison. This isn't a game, period. 

I knew from the beginning that there were many things he was holding on to, baggage as he calls it. From the second day I was with him, I knew. I was even told that I "deserved better". I hate that term though. 

He also urged me to stay, and allow us to know each other better; asked me to form my own opinions of him despite what people seemed to be feeding me. That's all that I was doing anyway. Besides, I believe knowing another takes a lifetime. That is the depth and breadth of each one of us.

And you know what? I choose not to form any opinions. I just want to accept. That's all. What right do I have to pass judgment? I am fully aware that I am not God.  Passing judgment - that's not my role. My only role is to love. Yes it is difficult, but that's how simple it is as well. 

If there is a lesson that God continues to show me, its that we are all broken people, we are all the same. Not one of us can come close to perfection and that's not the point of life. The point is to let love permeate our lives, taking us on that journey of freedom.

Next week, I asked someone to sit with me. I've been praying for this friendship to be restored. Being cut out of someone's life, and seemingly hurting them with my presence is something that I need to understand. I just want the truth. I just want courage to prevail. And honesty, and yes, love. I never stopped loving anyone in this story.

In the meantime, I contend with this silence. I wait as everything is working itself out. I have faith that we all want the same thing. Coming into this story I knew it was going to be a fight. And I am a fighter. 

Just because you can't see it doesn't mean nothing is happening. For God is ALWAYS moving, working. He doesn't need rest, and nothing intimidates Him. Not pain, not rejection, not anger, not disbelief, nothing.

It's just a matter of time.