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[29 Dec 2004|10:34pm]
[ mood | restless ]

What the fuck is the point of life? Like seriously? It's nothing but bullshit drama. The only escape from reality is fucking drugs. Now, if you ask me, that's pretty sad. This is gona be a long entry.

So me and Bradley got back together for a whole 2 days. I thought it be different this time. I thought it would work. But not only was it too hard to keep hidden, it's not the same, he's not the same, and I'm not same. We saw each other once the whole time we went out, and it was the day I broke up with him. I know it seems like I did this all in spite of Melissa, and to get back at him for all he's done to me in the past. But it wasn't. I do care about the kid, and I do love him. But that day I hung out with him and Shane, each time he opened his mouth, it was like I didn't know who he was. And it gets worse I guess, I kissed Lance even though I was with Brad. I'm Kait, man I'm not a cheater. I've been cheated on many times, but I'm not a cheater. But it was my decision, I did it and I'll take full responsibility for my actions. So needless to say, I broke up with Bradley that night.

I thought maybe he'd understand, I thought maybe we could be friends. But no, because he doesn't really love me. I can honestly say, I doubt his love for me. But it's okay. It doesn't bother me. I know what I want in life, I know where I wana go, I know who my true friends are... I hope. Yes but it seems little Rae was right. A few days ago she told me that one person in the relationship always loves the other more, and in mine and Brad's case, I loved him more. I agree with her. So the other night Bradley told me how he's gona make Zach and the rest of the family hate me. I guess I'll never see the baby anymore, or the girls. But fuck it man, he just doesn't understand. I give up trying to help that kid. I gave him my all for 15 months, and I'm done now.

So I slept over Michelle's last night. We had a pretty good night. I woke up at like 11 when my dad called, and Brittany was at my house. Crazy. But it was like what was I supposed to do? I haven't seen Britt in a while, but I was at Michelle's and had already made plans with her. It woulda been beat to just bail on her. Now I think Britt's mad at me cause I dissed her? I didn't mean to. So I hear Jess doesn't like me anymore because I'm friends with Cheese. And Michelle and Brittany don't get along too well either. It's like damn, what the fuck happened with everyone? Everyone and their mom's hate each other. Kinda crazy, iuno why Jess doesn't like me for it. But Cheese has become one of the best friends I've ever had, I've put so much trust into her.

I love my Cheesecakes. I spend basically everyday with her. It's one of the few things I wouldn't change.

I miss Britt. I miss how we used to be. And I do wana see her. It's been hard to though. My school and shit. Her school and work. Iuno, things have changed a lot. Me and her have been through a lot.

I miss Michelle. We still make time for each other so it's all good. As long as she's making my brother happy it's all straight if we can't see each other much.

I miss the old days when it was always me and Brad and TJ and Britt. The Delco days.

And I miss Bobby Toland. The mall days with this kid. The mall days with everyone actually. Kinda died when I got banned I guess.

And I guess it's straight if Jess doesn't like me. I think it's pretty beat if that reason is true and all. But she's with Jon now, and they hardly see each other much anymore, and I feel bad just tagging along like it used to be.

And I wish me and Brad could have a civil relationship. I've come to grips with the fact that a relationship will never work. It really didn't work too well when we were together. But one thing I won't deny is I did fall in love with the kid. That's why I wish we could have a friendship. We never really had a friendship, we kinda just jumped head first into that relationship and it didn't end so well.

And I wish Lance still lived here. Maybe if he did things would be different. But he's happy out there so it's all good.

I talked to my friend Danielle from grade school. It was good catching up with her and all. We have many great memories.

It's crazy how much life has changed in the past 2 years.

And I've come to grips with the fact that I should be alone. I can't get close, cause I get way too easily attached. And when I try to have some type of relationship, I fuck it up like it's intentional but I don't even notice I'm doing it. Maybe one day someone will love me, and accept me no matter what clothes I wear or what color my hair is. But for me.. I guess all I can do is wait, I have the few friends I can rely on so I can do anything I set my mind to. It would be nice though... To have someone to turn to. Someone's arms to hold me. Someone to care and all that shit. But the time isn't right for Katers.

Life at home is insane. I'm loving this break. I really really don't wana go back to school. Then again I do. I wana get it over with. I should be getting my permit soon, I'll be driving in the summer. That's pretty crazy. But if all goes well. I haven't been home in a while, and I'm home now. And god damn, I'm ready to pce again. I can't stand being here. Kevin went to some party in New York. My sister's turning into what I was, she just got bitched at for pants with chains, and spike bracelets, and Manson playing. She tried pushing my mom down the steps or something. Iuno but yo my sister definitely needs a good ass beating to straight her up. And my mom is supposedly trying to stop drinking.. that's insane. And my dad's getting over his cancer so he's a fucking dick anymore. My sister found my dagger the other night. That's pretty cool. But yo being in this house drives me insane.

I believe Cheesecakes is sleeping over for New Years, my dad said me and him can go out and get drunk... I was like hell yeaaaa. My daddy's my drinking buddy. Good ol days man. I remember this one time I was making him and Frankie drinks, daddy wanted his Bloody Mary, and Frankie Vodka in Red Bull. So I brought the Vodka down with a shot glass, my dad said I could so I was like fuck and killed the bottle. But the point of all this is. I don't even remember. I'm so burnt out man. I gota shower, call up my Cheesecakes, get some food, I'm still fucking hungry, and I gota sleep nig.

Me and Michelle rocked it out like MiMi today. Bright ass pink and purple eyeshadow and purple lip gloss. It was crazy as hell looking, but it did look good, I must say.

I hardcore cleaned my room the other day. Put all my Christmas presents away, put posters on my ceiling, and dude I got home tonight and their fucking falling off.

Yeah dude, I'm in a shitty ass mood. But a little better now. Came upstairs, listened to some music, I'm straight.

But yo I'm like losing my voice. Crazy.

So my decision with all this bullshit soap opera drama... I ain't calling no body anymore. Fuck that shit yo. I'll call up my Cheesecakes but it's like fuck the rest of the world. I'm sick of getting pulled between people. Why can't I just be accepted for who I am? I'm Kait mutha fucka... Deal with it.. Damn.

So life is pretty normal. I go back to school the 3rd. I'm single again. Rarely home. Same Riverside drama bs.

I just wana get my license, graduate and get the fuck outa New Jersey. I've thought about staying, I love it, yet I hate it.

Whatever... I'm gona go.
Time to call up my Cheesecakes.
Leave some comments, that be cute.

5 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

Follow you're heart, it'll lead you home.. [28 Dec 2004|12:40am]
Well last night I was up all night, talking on the phone. I finally went to bed around 6 and woke up at 10. I got up, got ready and Cheesecakes picked me up and we went shopping for 5 hours. I got new shoes, and a dress, and some other clothes. And I got my Michelle a present too : ) I'm a sweetheart, love me <33 We went to Wawa. Her mutter brought us back to my house, I let her borrow a skirt and we peaced out and went to her crib, and gave each other 397 presents. Then she went back to Philly and I wondered around. I called up Super Victor and we chilled for a while. Then I went to Michelle's and chilled with her and TJ and went home at like 7:30. Talked to Bobby while I cleaned my room. Took a shower, made some soup, didn't eat much though. And now I'm sitting here shaking cause I'm so cold and so tired and feel so shitty.

I'm a peace out in a little and catch up on my sleep. It's break yo and I'm getting up made early everyday. 10 today, 9 yesterday, and can't remember the day before. If it was Christmas I got up made early then too, at like 8-9 but went back to sleep. Too cute : ) But yeah man, it's freezing up in here yo. I'm sick and blah like. But I'ma get lots and lots of sleep, I hope. Then I gota get up, and peace out again. I think I got lessons tomorrow. I really don't feel like going but I've missed my last 2 or 3. Oh well, the guy's not bad, but he's not Al. And I don't really need the lessons, but daddy said I gota or he won't buy me my bass. Pretty beat. I can't really do shit, the guy, he's old right, and he talks sooo much, he doesn't teach me shit really. And what he does, I never remember. I was doing better, teaching myself. But whatever, when I get time, I'll practice and shit.

Dude, I keep yawning.Crazy man my cell is ringing, hold up. It was Bobby yo. And Big JV dawg. I saw his nipples. Oh boy, their making videos, crazzyyy. He's screaming, lighting themselves on fire and shit. Crazzyyy.

Alright niggas, pccceeee
1 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

[26 Dec 2004|12:09am]
[ mood | blah ]

My life is just one fucking continuious soap opera.

4 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

I could take every fucking word she said and throw it in her face [24 Dec 2004|10:51pm]
[ mood | sad ]

So, its 11 o'clock on Christmas Eve. I'm quite in the Christmas spirit this year. Yesterday was great, I got to give almost everyone their presents, I loved Vic's reaction. lol. And I made my Gina Bina smile. And TJ is still thanking me. And that all makes me feel good. But, ever since I was little, all I've wanted in my life was love. When RJ would bring Karen on vacations, and to all the family parties, I wanted that so bad. And last year, I had that. I had the best Christmas ever, I had my love there with me. I know I'm not alone this year, but it's still not the same. I still feel alone. And when my family comes over tomorrow, he's not gona be here with me. I don't know, man I just don't know. Nothings the same anymore. But I can't say my life sucks, cause it really doesn't. It's pretty close to perfect in my eyes, just not the same. And I miss the old days, so so much.

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I could say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

*Dedicated* I love you <33

3 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

What have you done? [21 Dec 2004|01:35am]
[ mood | giddy ]

Well, today my daddy woke me up at 12 ish. We went shopping. I went to Riverside, saw Edd for a little bit then went up to the school and saw some homies, finished my camera and went to Cheese's. We dyed her hair, got my pictures developed, made brownies, and decorated a box. It was a purty good day. I came home, scanned my pictures and all that. Jerry picked me up and took me to Wawa. Then I came home, hung my pictures on my wall. Just gota outa the shower. And now I'm gona go to bed. Night night.

I LOVB LISS 23043287985 times more then anyone else. : )

okie bye bye

Mwahs <3333

1 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

I Know You're Worth It <33 [20 Dec 2004|12:03am]
[ mood | artistic ]

Well I'm back from Philly. It was a good weekend. Got to chill it wit my girl Cheesecakes <33 We did some hardcore shoppin, got some sexxay fuck me shoes and watched some bangin ass movies.

Well.. I've been thinking a lot. And I was going through my old journals, I was looking for pictures then something made me look for this one entry, and the comment to it made me start crying. And I don't know man, I just miss the old days. So much has happened in the past 2 years of my life, it's crazy. The past 2 years seem like they were like 7 years. I don't know. Me and Brad broke up, and I started drifting from my friends. It's not like I lost them, it's just not the same anymore. Me and Brittany aren't what we were. Brad's not there 24/7. Michelle and TJ are always together. Jess is always working, and if she's not she's with Jon. Bobby doesn't really come out anymore. Me and Jerry aren't best friends anymore. Bob's not my Shabootay, Lance isn't my Cupcake, there's no more mall nights, no more D&D. Everythings so different. All I really have is my Cheesecakes. And I love it. She's the greatest thing. We've hardcore bonded, it's been a while since I've been so close to someone, and I don't wana lose it. Of everyone, I'd rather spend my time with her. But I still miss my old days. Guess it's just life. Nothing ever stays the same. It's a part of growing up. 2 years I'll be out on my own, in a year I'll have my license. I gota get a job really soon. I'm not that little girl that used to play Power Rangers outback with my neighbors and have sleepovers with my cousin and start making my Christmas List in mid-summer. I can't goof off in school if I want my dreams to come true. It's time for me to seriously grow up. Ya know, I never understand why adults said to enjoy you're childhood cause once you grow up you can never go back. But I'm only 16, I'm still a kid, I'm not an adult yet but I already have to start growing up. I can't handle being an adult alone. Living on my own, all those bills, a 9-5 job. It's crazy man. I don't know how people do it. I just wana go back in time, and party my life away. I don't wana grow up. I don't wana get old. It's kinda crazy, we're born to die. What fun is that? You have to live life working hard as hell just to experience pain and then die? What's the point?

Blahh... Well I'm gona go I guess.


4 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

All I want for Christmas is --> You [17 Dec 2004|03:37pm]
Hey hey fellers, what is up? Well, its 3:40 on this lovely Friday afternoon.

Last night I came out for a little bit then das Mutter picked me up and I went home and did some cleaning woah. Rooms looking pretty spiffy with the sexxay new Tinkerbell sheets and all. <33

School, I had my sophomore retreat. It was so boring, all I wanted to do was sleep. We went in and had breakfast, then made cookies, then wrote letters to the troops over in Iraq, then cleaned desks, then took some survey in the chapel then sat in the cafeteria for a while. I think we were supposed to decorate bags but I just chilled and ate Dorito's and Mountain Dew. Then we had Mass then I pccceeeddd outa there. Came home and packed up my shizz and talked to Jess. Then das Mutter picked me up and we went to Shop Rite. I went over to Loews and saw Jess and got light bulbs. Then das Mutter dropped me off at Cheese's crib. We're just chillin, hold on Edd is calling. Alright well we're making brownies and doing laundry then we bizoucing out and I'ma get meself a Boost. mMm. We're going to Philly for the weekend so I'll be back Sunday.

Alright well Pce Pce.

2 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

I could take every fucking word she said and throw it in her face [17 Dec 2004|12:15am]
It's 12:15. I'm bout to go to bed. School was mad easy today we didn't really do anything.
History we watched West Wing.
Religion we did this paper about The Night Before Christmas and answered questions.
Then I had lunch.
Bio we did a lab.
Geometry he went over the PSAT's but I never pay attention in that class, so I did my usual, went through my purse and played with my make up.
English we took a test that I completely forgot about, I answered 7 questions and 2 halfs of questions and 6 questions were straight guesses lol. So I defintely failed that but it's all good. And we watched some movie.
Driver's Ed we did a project in the computer lab.
And German we didn't do anything we all just talked and shit and the wreath caught on fire and I was burning yarn and braiding it. I make a pink and blue necklace.

So I got home and changed and went over Jess'. We went uptown and all, walked around the other part of town and talked and shit. Then went up to the Rag. And das Mutter picked me up and I came home and cleaned a little and took a shower, and talked to TJ and Cheese. And yep. That was my day.

Well I'm freezing cold so I think I'ma bizounce to bed soon.

I'm Alone

She tells herself... [15 Dec 2004|09:27pm]
My birthday was pretty damn good. My Casey called me last night, : ) I talked to her for a couple hours then went to bed, I guess at 3 or so. I didn't have school today so I slept in til about 2:30. Woke up, the Cheese called me. I didn't even shower haha. I felt all nasty but it was all good. So I got dressed and bizounced out. Me and Cheese went to Wawa. Chilled at her crib and went up to the Rag for a little. The das Mutter and the family picked me and I'm home now. I took my shower and made my bed with my Tinkerbell sheets and now I'm gona go chill and watch a movie, Cinderella Story <33 Sexxay Sexxay.

3 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

Sweet Sixteen Baby Girl <3 [14 Dec 2004|09:48pm]
[ mood | happy ]

For you, who stood behind me all the times I needed you Brittany Leonetti
For you, who held me close each time tears fell from my eyes Lance Sowers
For you, who cared so much, to tell me when I was doing wrong Mike Rambo
For you, who gave me someone I can fully trust Jess Cheeseman
For you, who spent your days at my side, for no other reason then you wanted to Michelle Foster
For you, who did everything in your power to make me smile TJ Darmo
For you, who gave me great protection Edd McNulty
For you, who listened to me all the times I need to talk Jess Convery
For you, who tried so hard to make my dreams come true Jon Vaughn
For you, the greatest friend I've come to know

I love you guys. Thank you, for everything. <33

So, today is my Sweet Sixteen I woke up, went to school. Came home. Went with my daddy to get his new car. I picked out my car. I get it for my birthday next year : ) Wana see? Sure ya do. Hold on and let me find a picture..

Look how beautiful it is? Omg, I'm gona pee myself I love that car so much. But anyway, we got my daddy's new car.

That's my daddy's new car. Black on black. It's scrumcious. Then we came home. Had dinner, and presents and cake. My sister got me Hell's Pit and wrapped it in tin foil, how adorable? And my cousin got me a $25 gift card to Wawa. Man oh man. He's my hero <33 And das Mutter and das Vater, well I kinda kept my presents as they bought them, so they couldn't really wrap them. But I got my pink Tim's, mad clothes, and my Tinkle Bell bed spread. Sexxay Sexxay. : ) After all the goodie goodie stuff, I came upstairs and put on the sexxay corset, and rolled outa here. I went up to the Rag, and Mike sang to me. I saw Jess, and Cheese, and Tyler, and, Michelle and TJ, and man oh man. Not too many people were out, being cold and all. I SAW DEWEY!! Omg, this kid looks so grown up it's craazzzzyyyy. But yeah, we chilled in the Rag, went and had pizza, went back to the Rag. Then everyone split and me and Cheese got hot chocolate and walked around. I took pictures so when I finish the camera I'll get em developed and scan em on here yoo. Well, I took some pictures. They'll be in the other jizzournal pizzeice. But here's one.

Sexxay Sexxay <33

Alright, well thank you to everyone for today. I love you all. MWAH!!!

Pce Pce

1 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

You said loving you would make life beautiful --> [12 Dec 2004|10:05pm]

Thursday --> Went to school per usual. Went to Riverside with Myles. So, it was freezing, my uniform, and rain. Yeah. Michelle and TJ brought me pants and we had pizza. : ) Then me and Cheese came back to my house. I didn't sleep. She slept a little.

Friday --> We got ready and went to the Big City. We got there around 1. I slept in the limo. I passed out as soon as I got in there. We did some shopping, and saw Ocean's Twelve. It was a good movie. And I got the cutest pink shoes. Let me tell you. When we got back to the hotel and Edd and Gwyn were sitting in the lobby. Crazy. Das Mutter wouldn't let them they stay the night though. She said she would have had to pay 200$ for them to say. : / So Iuno how they got home. Das Mutter gave them some money. I hope they made it back safe. So me and Cheese took a few bubble baths. Then we watched a movie but I fell asleep. I slept on the couch, they couldn't get me up.

Saturday--> We got home. Went shopping, then saw Chicago. It was pretty good. Then we did some more shopping, and went to a cute little Italian restaurant. It was yummy. Some old ladies said I was fat. Sweet, huh? I was wearing a beater tied back, with a red corset over it, and jeans. But apparently "Those mid-driff shirts are nice, but not if you don't have the body", so me and Cheese worked out some, and chilled in the sauna some. Then watched another movie, and I fell asleep during that too. But I guess someone woke me up and I went into my room cause I woke up in my bed.

Sunday --> We got up, had breakfast. Showered, dressed and waited for the car. I slept on the ride home. We got back around 1. I was home for like 5-10 minutes then went to Riverside. We dropped Jess' stuff off and went uptown and met up with Michelle. We got Boost and Ashlyn's birthday card. It was for a 2 year-old and had duckies on it. I picked it out : ) Then we walked a little. Saw Tyler. Took some pictures. Walked him to the Choo-Choo station. Me and Michelle went to her house. She gave me my Birthday and Christmas presents. Then we walked to TJ's. It was Ashlyn's birthday party. So we chilled there, then came back to Michelle's at 7. I went and met up with Cheese. We walked around and talked and meine das Mutter picked me up at 8. Came home.

Tuesday's my birthday.

I'm going to Jess' this weekend.

Christmas next week.


But I'm gona go now.

Bye Bye <33

I'm Alone

I meant to be this way --> Alone [10 Dec 2004|05:36am]
5:37am. I'm freezing. No sleep, I'm a fuckin' Marine.

So school tomorrow, sleepover tonight. Woo.

Me and Cheese are disappearing for a few.

I'll be back Sunday.

It's so cold.

I feel like shit.

I ate soooo much.

And it's really cold.

So I think I'm gona head to the other jizournal pizeice.

Do some surveys and all.

Full house is on in the background. lol.

And I'm all congested.

Me and Myles went to Riverside after school.

It started raining. My uniform. Soooo cold.

Yeah. Well good bye.
5 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

Let the rain fall --> [05 Dec 2004|07:06pm]
So it's Sunday night. I spent my weekend at Gwyn and Edd's. I went to Jess' Friday. We chilled til 6 or so and she went to Philly and I went over Gwyn's. We played video games until Edd got home from work. Then we all watched movies and pigged out on junk food. And did the same thing Saturday. lol Me and Gwyn didn't go outside until 11pm Saturday night. 7 hours of straight Final Fantasy. Yeaahh baby. And today was a rough day. : /

My birthday's next Tuesday. Sweet Sixteen. It doesn't feel so great. And Christmas right around the corner. 6 months being alone. Yet I'm alone but at the same time I'm not. Atleast I have the greatest friends in the world.

mystic glOw vv (10:13:51 PM): KAIT
Dream f0r yoU (10:13:57 PM): yeshm baby?
mystic glOw vv (10:13:59 PM): i love u!
Dream f0r yoU (10:14:05 PM): i love you too
mystic glOw vv (10:14:10 PM): :-)
Dream f0r yoU (10:14:29 PM): you made me feel like 10 times happier : )
mystic glOw vv (10:14:34 PM): good

See, look at that. I love my wifey. She just randomly IMs me to tell me she loves me. I miss her though. No more hot tubin sleep overs. We hardly chill. But she's making my brother extremely happy so thats all that matters.

Me and Jess Cheese have gotten insanely close. We're running away together Friday, we'll be back Sunday. I'm glad me and her are the way we are. Cause it's like everybody has a boyfriend or a girlfriend and we have each other? It's like anymore the only guys who want me are dirty, nasty assholes.

I chill with Edd and Gwyn a lot. I love being with them. I sleepover there basically every weekend. I have the greatest time sitting inside and watching movies. Their trying so hard and it's like no one supports them, and everyone is against them. I hope everything works out for them, they really deserve it. All they want is to get married and be together.

I chill with Kelly and all too. And the normal people uptown whenever I feel bored enough to go outside. Iuno, I don't talk to many people in school. Don't assoicate with any of them really outa school.

Everything is just in a constant cycle of change. And I just can't stand it. I'm only 16 and I feel like I'll be alone the rest of my life. Me and Jess always get into some deep conversation. And we've both concluded we're not good enough for any of those "great guys" that supposedly exist. Neither of us believe anyone will love us, neither of us believe we'll ever be married.

So my dream ever comes true, and I happen to have my baby girl, she'll be the product of some sleezy one night stand. It's sad, but as each day passes, I believe it more and more.

My feelings are so negative this time of year usually. Last year was a great Christmas and birthday though. My birthday Brad, Brittany and TJ were here. It really was the best birthday I've had. Better then the year before with Josh and Casey and Matt. And that Y100 concert with Dan, Casey and Danielle. And all those sleepovers where someone always got sick, and there was always a fight.

And Christmas Eve I went to Brad's grandmom's. And Christmas we went to each other's houses and I slept over there and we went and saw Brittany. And that's when she got her phone.

I do miss her too. We were so alike it was scary. We did everything together. And it was great. Even when people talked shit on us. We stood strong together. But we let guys come between us. We still talk, still chill ocassionaly. But it's not the same, it's not what it was. It's hard to keep a steady relationship with her, when we both have school, she works, I'll be working soon. Some of my friends don't want me being friends with her. But I can't choose sides. That fucked us up before, I don't see why I can't be friends with everyone, and that's what I intend on doing. Like Michelle and Britt don't get along the best. But Michelle knows I still talk to Britt and it hasn't affected mine and Michelle's friendship any. So it seems this plan of mine works. : )

Well the Cheese has called so I will bizounce out.

Comment <--
1 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

[30 Nov 2004|09:36pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Baby <33 I miss him : (


Vic, Me, Jess, Lance and Britt

Vic, Me, Jess, Lance, and Britt

Cheesey Baby <333

Wifey Cheese Mwahs*

That would be myself.

Purrty Lance

Myself rockin' Lances sexxay hat.

That would be me again.

Little Brittanys

My wife and the cake I made her. She did the dishes : ) We're so cute



That's Jess, I love that picture, iuno why it looks so cool though : )

Gangsta Kait *ut oh*

Yeeeep!!! Lots and lots of pictures. They soon will all be on my wall plus more : ) I love my pictures. Yep.

Weeelllll... I had lessons at 4. Dropped my pictures off, went to the dollar store and got candy canes for me and Courtney in school. Yep. Chilled with Jess and Kelly. Stopped by Gwyn's. Got Boost and Hot Chocolate.

Yesterday Jess came here and I think she's coming here again tomorrow. Iunos.

Well I must finish hanging the pictures, take a shower, call Jess, pee, and go sweepie.

Toodles <33

2 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

You Make Me Smile - - > [29 Nov 2004|09:38pm]
--> I went to Riverside Saturday. Chilled with Michelle, then met up with Jess. Slept at Gwyn's. It was a good night, we chilled inside and watched movies : )

--> Sunday I um, we chilled at Gwyn's all day. I dyed Jess' hair. Daddy picked me up and took me to Wawa.

--> Today I went to school. Dompy gave me a ride to Riverside. Met up with Jess, got a Boost and daddy picked us up and brought us back here. We chilled, watched Clueless, had tacos for dinner, took lots and lots of pictures I gota get developed tomorrow : ) Hopefully those fuckers won't mess them up this time.

--> Okay well Jess went bye bye's. I cleaned my room up. Did my homework in school. So I think it's shower time.


Leave me sum lovin <33
1 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

[26 Nov 2004|09:30pm]
I'm homeeeeee. On the tellie with Michelle. Daddy went and got me a Boost. It was good to get away. I got to see my family. My cousin Pat, haven't seen him in like 4 years. But it was sooooo boring. So we got to leave early. And now I'm home and yay : ) Here's a song I wrote on the way home tonight...

Do you know how long it's been?
Do you have any idea, just what you've done to me?
Beat and battered, too many times before
Tonight's the last, I'm walking out the door
Good bye to the love, good bye to the pain
An good bye to the fucking games you play

Tonight is the night, I'll break away
I'll disappear into the night
Away from the house, out of your life
The pain you cause is my desire
To start anew and forget your face

Too many times, your torments led to my bloodshed
Scarred for life, bruised for weeks
Two babys I couldn't keep
This is the last, I swear I'll leave
No more tears falling from my eyes

Tonight is the night, I'll break away
I'll disappear into the night
Away from the house, out of your life
The pain you cause is my desire
To start anew and forget your face

All the times you said you'd change
I shouldn't have listened, shouldn't have stayed
But I was too weak, was too scared
Fear of my life, fear of my daughters'
But this is the last, I'm leaving tonight
And I'll give birth to this little girl

Tonight is the night, I'll break away
I'll disappear into the night
Away from the house, out of your life
The pain you cause is my desire
To start anew and forget your face

I'll break away and I'll disappear
Away... Away from the house
And out of your life
Cause the pain you cause
Is my desire to start anew
And forget, and forget your fucking face
I'm Alone

--> Updating for my Wifey [23 Nov 2004|07:56pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

Alright, well the Wife asked me to update so I will.

My week was alright. Lance was down. I got to see Bob and Britt and Britt.

Monday was a shitty day. I went to Riverside. Got bitch at by the mother from the time I woke up at 7:30 until I went to sleep.

Today I went to Riverside. Had lessons. Chilled. Found a dollar infront of Cumbo.

Tomorrow I'm going to Riverside, I get out at 12:30. I'm going to the dance with Jess, Michelle and Kelly <33

Thursday I'm leaving for Maryland. Going to my uncles. I get to see Ali, and Pat who I haven't seen in 3 or 4 years.

In about 2 weeks me and the Cheese are disappearing for a few days.

Then it's my birthday.

Then Christmas.

Then it's a brand new year.

I hope this year goes by fast. But just because I want it to, it won't.

I take my driver's ed test January 13th I think.

So hopefully I'll get my permit within the next 2 months.

Then next December I'll be 17, have a car. It'll be GG BABY

I really can't wait. I'll be able to do what I want, go where I want, when I want.

Then the year after that, I'm graduating. And me and Michelle get to make our dreams come to life. : )

Well, I'm gona go do I don't know. Yeah.


Michelle, I updated for you : ) Smile. I see you tomorrow hunnay MWAHS!!!

4 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

[17 Nov 2004|02:12pm]
[ mood | burnt ]

I thought it was too good to be true
I found somebody who understands me
Someone who would help me to get through
And fill an emptiness I had inside me
But you kept inside and I just denied
Some things that we should have both said
I knew it was too good to be true
Cause I'm the only one who understands me

What happened to us
We used to be so perfect, now we're lost and lonely
What happened to us
And deep inside I wonder, did I lose my only?

Remember they thought we were too young
To really know what it takes to make it
But we had survived off what we have done
So we could show them all that they're mistaken
But who could have known the lies that would grow
Until we could see right through them
Remember they knew we were too young
We still don't know what it takes to me it

What happened to us
We used to be so perfect, now we're lost and lonely
What happened to us
And deep inside I wonder, did I lose my only?

We could have made it work, we could have found a way
We should have done our best to see another day
But we kept it all inside until it was too late
And now we're both alone, the consequence we pay
For throwing it all away, for throwing it all away....

1 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

[14 Nov 2004|11:08pm]
[ mood | flirty ]

So it's Sunday night. I'm sitting here, getting kinda sleepy, waiting for Jess to call back. Was fighting with Brad again, he's mad because I want my books, I don't even really want them, there's only a few I want back, but my mom hates Brad, and wants everything back. Yeah so I ended up blocking him because it's a useless cause. It all goes in one of his ears and out the other. Boy needs to chill.

It's funny, a year ago we were all happy and in love and all the mushy drama bullshit. It's sad what that relationship did to me. Tore me apart. I hope one day, I actually find a guy that will treat me right, be sweet, caring. Someone who will love me for me and not what I have. I don't see it happening. But in what 2 1/2-3 years I'm moving out to Cali whether, my dad, Michelle, Gwyn and Edd come or not. I'm getting outa here. Away from the past, the bullshit drama, away from it all.

But back to my relationship with Brad.... I was with him 15 months. In that time, I was cheated on twice that I know of, beat up, dumped, lied to, he fucked around behind my back telling chicks bullshit and all. Then there was that whole Michelle thing, my best friend now. But when I first met her, I fucking hated her ass. Because supposedly TJ wanted Michelle, but Michelle was alllll up on Brad. Funny that's the complete opposite. Brad was telling Michelle me and Brad broke up like everyday, he even kissed her on the cheek and shit. FUCK THAT. And I'm supposed to believe he loved me? It's really hard. It's really hard to put trust in any male anymore. It's hard to know who my true friends are. But I'm not saying all this to make Brad look bad, he was a sweet heart, we were happy, we did have great times and great memories. Its funny, we said we'd get married, have kids, I want a daughter named Zoe Jane, we'd never break up, we'd never hate each, we'd always be together. But all that's left now is the memories. The rings lost in my pottie somewhere, the pictures were mostly burned and ripped to shreds. Shit really changed between us. We were so close, he wasn't just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. And all that he did to me killed me and tore me apart piece my piece.

I never cheated on him. I never exactly had feelings for anyone else when we were together. I'll admit I had feelings for Lance, but that started in June when me and Brad were broken up. So it wasn't wrong really, I don't think it was. And that other incident over the summer, the situation was fucked up, but it wasn't wrong. It wasn't cheating, ya know? And after that, Brad went and did shit to get back at me, guess it kinda hurt, but then I realized we didn't go 0ut. So after that we got back together, then Michelle ended it completely for me. That's when I knew it was over for good, because I couldn't even say it. I was sleeping over Michelle's laying in her bed, on the phone with Jerry, and she did it for me.

After that I completely shut myself off from Brad until I knew I was over it. I am now. I have been for a couple months, which is good. So now that I'm straight I'd figure I'd try and have the friendship we never got to have, we started going out right off the bat. But this friendship idea isn't working out to well. I guess since we broke up we both changed too much for each other.

I'm happy with life over all. I have some of the greatest friends. I chill with Gwyn, Edd and Jess pretty much everyday. I'm finally learning how to play that fucking bass. I have the greatest craziest kitty in the whole world : ) hehe thats my baby, she never did me wrong : )

So, with Brad. All I can say is I do miss what we had. But I'll never be able to go back. I promised myself I wouldnt, I promised my parents I wouldnt, I promised so many friends I wouldn't. And I know people are talking mad shit on me, saying I'm easy and bullshit like that. But hey that's fucking Riverside. I don't know what to say of mine and Brad''s relationship really, it all seems so surreal to me. I know it happened, there's so many great memories, but so many memories that kill me to think about. Like one of the greatest was 2 summers ago when we went to the shore and we got to sleep together one night, just laid there holding each other, woke up next to each other, that was a great memory. But then there's one's like St. Charles Carnival, or that one night in May..... I could gone on for hours literally of all the good and bad we had together.

I guess Brad I'm sorry it got so fucked up. But isn't it you who says "Everything happens for reasons we just don't know"...?

Well Bradley, you can read this, because I'm through talking to you. Like I said, good bye to it... The past, the now, the future. The memories, all the laughs, the cries, the late nights. All of it. I'm done talking to you until you grow up, and realize there's more to life then D&D and having some bitch to call yours. I don't know you like I used to so I'm not gona say anything, all I can say is you're not who you used to be, and I guess I'm not who I used to be. But I'm satisfied with myself, and if you're happy with who you are then it's all good right?

Hm, so today I woke up at 9:30. Went to the mall at like 12:30. Went to Gwyn's after that. Chilled with Gwyn, Edd and Matt most of the night. Chilled with Jess a little. Saw Lance for like 10 minutes. Got recordeded with the camera by Mister Mike Rambo : ) He's a great friend too, he's always there no matter what. I'm glad I got to know him, he makes things make so much sense to me. Left at like 7:45. Came home, tried on my clothes, took a shower, now just chillin til I go to bed.

1 Die for you to love me I'm Alone

[13 Nov 2004|10:50pm]
[ mood | cold ]

So it's been a while since I've updated, my bad. Haven't been home too much the past week.

Edd got out Tuesday night. So I walked my ass to Riverside from school in Wednesday in the freezing cold. I slept at Gwyn's that night. Didn't have school Thursday. So it's been like one big party weekend since Wednesday. lol. We went to Breniggan's or how ever the fuck that's spelled, watched Dave play, chilled, it was fun.

Thursday Kev picked us up and we went to my house. Gwyn's working for my daddy. She works in my basement : ) Me and my daddy took Edd to a couple places so he could apply for a job. Then me and my daddy went to breakfast at Paula's and he spilled water all over my phone so he bought me a new one : ) It's pretty, it flips and it's color and has a camera and AIM ahhh!!! *The excitement* Then we went to the mall and did some shopping. I spent 2000$ in one day. Crrraaaazzzzyyyy. After the shopping I went to Riverside. Had my lessons with Al, chilled then went home.

Friday I went to Riverside when Gwyn got off work. I slept at her house again. Wee sleepovers : ) We went to dinner at Nick's, watched movies, and chillllled. And now it's Saturday. We went up to Edd's work, I got my Wawa sandwich and pretzel. I'm home now. Got some cleaning and laundry to do. Fun fun.

I made honor roll : ) I'm proud of myself.

Okay well I'm freeezzzzzzzzzing. So I'm gona attempt to find a hoodie or something, get warm, do some cleaning and if I'm still up at 1 I'm gona watch Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, then get my sleep on.

Me and Jess are going to New York for my birthday. Weee. My birthday's a month from tomorrow.

I'm going to Maryland for Thanksgiving.

Going shopping tomorrow, supposed to go today but the mama didn't wana go today, she said tomorrow so we'll see.

Okay well pccceeeee nigga


I'm Alone

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