So it's Sunday night. I'm sitting here, getting kinda sleepy, waiting for Jess to call back. Was fighting with Brad again, he's mad because I want my books, I don't even really want them, there's only a few I want back, but my mom hates Brad, and wants everything back. Yeah so I ended up blocking him because it's a useless cause. It all goes in one of his ears and out the other. Boy needs to chill.
It's funny, a year ago we were all happy and in love and all the mushy drama bullshit. It's sad what that relationship did to me. Tore me apart. I hope one day, I actually find a guy that will treat me right, be sweet, caring. Someone who will love me for me and not what I have. I don't see it happening. But in what 2 1/2-3 years I'm moving out to Cali whether, my dad, Michelle, Gwyn and Edd come or not. I'm getting outa here. Away from the past, the bullshit drama, away from it all.
But back to my relationship with Brad.... I was with him 15 months. In that time, I was cheated on twice that I know of, beat up, dumped, lied to, he fucked around behind my back telling chicks bullshit and all. Then there was that whole Michelle thing, my best friend now. But when I first met her, I fucking hated her ass. Because supposedly TJ wanted Michelle, but Michelle was alllll up on Brad. Funny that's the complete opposite. Brad was telling Michelle me and Brad broke up like everyday, he even kissed her on the cheek and shit. FUCK THAT. And I'm supposed to believe he loved me? It's really hard. It's really hard to put trust in any male anymore. It's hard to know who my true friends are. But I'm not saying all this to make Brad look bad, he was a sweet heart, we were happy, we did have great times and great memories. Its funny, we said we'd get married, have kids, I want a daughter named Zoe Jane, we'd never break up, we'd never hate each, we'd always be together. But all that's left now is the memories. The rings lost in my pottie somewhere, the pictures were mostly burned and ripped to shreds. Shit really changed between us. We were so close, he wasn't just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. And all that he did to me killed me and tore me apart piece my piece.
I never cheated on him. I never exactly had feelings for anyone else when we were together. I'll admit I had feelings for Lance, but that started in June when me and Brad were broken up. So it wasn't wrong really, I don't think it was. And that other incident over the summer, the situation was fucked up, but it wasn't wrong. It wasn't cheating, ya know? And after that, Brad went and did shit to get back at me, guess it kinda hurt, but then I realized we didn't go 0ut. So after that we got back together, then Michelle ended it completely for me. That's when I knew it was over for good, because I couldn't even say it. I was sleeping over Michelle's laying in her bed, on the phone with Jerry, and she did it for me.
After that I completely shut myself off from Brad until I knew I was over it. I am now. I have been for a couple months, which is good. So now that I'm straight I'd figure I'd try and have the friendship we never got to have, we started going out right off the bat. But this friendship idea isn't working out to well. I guess since we broke up we both changed too much for each other.
I'm happy with life over all. I have some of the greatest friends. I chill with Gwyn, Edd and Jess pretty much everyday. I'm finally learning how to play that fucking bass. I have the greatest craziest kitty in the whole world : ) hehe thats my baby, she never did me wrong : )
So, with Brad. All I can say is I do miss what we had. But I'll never be able to go back. I promised myself I wouldnt, I promised my parents I wouldnt, I promised so many friends I wouldn't. And I know people are talking mad shit on me, saying I'm easy and bullshit like that. But hey that's fucking Riverside. I don't know what to say of mine and Brad''s relationship really, it all seems so surreal to me. I know it happened, there's so many great memories, but so many memories that kill me to think about. Like one of the greatest was 2 summers ago when we went to the shore and we got to sleep together one night, just laid there holding each other, woke up next to each other, that was a great memory. But then there's one's like St. Charles Carnival, or that one night in May..... I could gone on for hours literally of all the good and bad we had together.
I guess Brad I'm sorry it got so fucked up. But isn't it you who says "Everything happens for reasons we just don't know"...?
Well Bradley, you can read this, because I'm through talking to you. Like I said, good bye to it... The past, the now, the future. The memories, all the laughs, the cries, the late nights. All of it. I'm done talking to you until you grow up, and realize there's more to life then D&D and having some bitch to call yours. I don't know you like I used to so I'm not gona say anything, all I can say is you're not who you used to be, and I guess I'm not who I used to be. But I'm satisfied with myself, and if you're happy with who you are then it's all good right?
Hm, so today I woke up at 9:30. Went to the mall at like 12:30. Went to Gwyn's after that. Chilled with Gwyn, Edd and Matt most of the night. Chilled with Jess a little. Saw Lance for like 10 minutes. Got recordeded with the camera by Mister Mike Rambo : ) He's a great friend too, he's always there no matter what. I'm glad I got to know him, he makes things make so much sense to me. Left at like 7:45. Came home, tried on my clothes, took a shower, now just chillin til I go to bed.