I've been a bit absent from LJ lately since my anxiety is a little crazy right now and I can't seem to get sucked into LJ without getting worked up about something (Not you guys! Communities and whatnot. I don't even read the drama ones, just the normal ones have been setting me off!) I've been hanging out at GCM instead where things are a bit more lovey-dovey and feel-good-y ;) I have been reading though, and commenting when I have free hands!
So first off, yet another birth dream again last night. CUT IT OUT, BRAIN. This one was very different and very scary - it was "present day" (as in, Mayah was still 14 m/o) and we had just found out that I was pregnant again. For whatever reason we were totally cool with it even though it meant that my IUD had failed and blah blah blah. So next thing I know (in the dream), I wake up in a hospital, am told that I just gave birth because apparently I was way further along than I thought, but the baby was a bit early and had been taken to the NICU. So my dream progressed into me LEAVING the hospital and the baby, attempting to process that I suddenly have another child, and then getting lost and needing to find my way back to the NICU to see my baby. Eventually I do find my way back, find my baby (who is a boy - I don't think we named him in the dream), and attempt to get him latched on to nurse, but he refuses to nurse and seems to have some kind of horrible upper lip tie. I'm devastated, crying, and the last thing that I remember thinking before I woke up was "I have to call and cancel all our vacation plans that are supposed to happen in 6 weeks!" (lol at that being on my list of worries) The relief that I felt when I woke up and realized that it wasn't real... it was monumental. What a horrible, anxious dream.
So yes, my baby fever is still out of control, my mind won't stop producing these vivid birth dreams and I've decided that I have no idea how to deal with it all. So I'm just not, for now. I'm just letting it happen - ironically, much like my mantra for coping with labor. "Just let the pain happen." Just let the baby fever happen. Sigh.
Moving on, some kind of BIG news about something I haven't posted about much: our yard. Our yard pretty much IS wetlands. When I look out my kitchen window, I see what is now essentially a pond. As in, ducks live there. Two mallards, they are in love and will soon produce little baby mallards in my pondyard. I was given the impression by a rather rude secretary that I shouldn't even bother approaching the IWWCC (Inland Wetlands something something Commission) about modifying our yard because it would be shot down and cost a lot of money. I had been pretty depressed about it because it meant that we have pretty much NO usable outdoor space on our .25 acres (withholding a vent about how absurd it is that the town can control what I do with land that I supposedly OWN) and being outdoors/getting sunlight/having space for Mayah is really important for me. Even though we're within walking distance (sort of) of a large park, it's not the same as being right in your own backyard with your own food and your own toilet and your own extra jacket and whatnot right at your disposal.
So I finally got really upset about it and called the IWWCC head guy after finding his direct line number and he was WAY positive about it! He knew my property and I explained exactly what we wanted to do, which apparently won't actually interfere with the *actual* wetlands (we'd only be modifying about 1/4 of our land, since 3/4 of it is legit wetlands), it's just that everything is regulated within 100 ft of them. We should be able to build a retaining wall, level everything out, and fence everything in, and we might not even have to go before the commission at all! We need a wetlands permit which is a little bit of a production (we need scale drawings of our plans, cross-sections of the retaining wall, photos, etc.) but he seemed to think that as long as we go through the whole process it was entirely possible and he didn't mention anything about hiring an environmental specialist ($$$$). What a 180 from the impression I had before! I feel so much more optimistic about our space now - we still won't have a huge yard, but it will be enough, particularly once our side/front yards are fenced too. Chris and I are now postponing finishing our basement space until the fall so we can focus on the yard. We want to have the yard finished by summer, spend summer clearing out the basement, and then work on the basement in the fall so that we have the space for next winter. Money is, of course, the big issue, but I'm hoping that we'll have a little extra from our tax return to set aside (unsure, as we just got another expensive oil delivery ughhhh). Anyway, that's exciting and I can't wait for it to be warm!
I'm in the market for a stroller. You heard me right - I, Hater of Strolling Contraptions, am actively seeking out a stroller. I don't think strollers are the devil (although since I brought up the subject Chris has been doing his best Maggie Gyllenhaal and asking me WHY I want to PUSH my babies AWAY from me hahaha), I just think they're a huge pain for someone as mechanically (kinesthetically?) inept as me - difficult to fold/unfold, difficult to store, bulky to move around, one more thing you have to keep from rolling away - babywearing has always been my go-to, mainly out of sheer laziness. But, Mayah is wanting to get down and walk and explore, be picked up for a bit, get down and check something out, go see Daddy, explore more stuff, be carried - you get the picture. Taking her in and out of a supportive carrier (Ellaroo or O&A) is getting to be a pain on longer trips where this kind of thing is alright, and the Maya wrap RS (my go-to "easy" carrier) is not supportive enough for long trips, even with my tiny 18 lb toddler. I'll definitely still be using the Ellaroo/O&A for hikes and grocery shopping etc. but I have little to no desire to fasten/wrap a carrier 20 times for a walk down the road or a trip to the mall. I shouldn't be as frustrated by this as I am, but... I am. Strollers are just not my thing. They'll grow on me I'm sure!
Mayah verbalized 3 new words in the past few days! "Mouth", "Bye" (while waving, so cute), and "socks", which she also occasionally signs. She also likes to pretend anything is a phone, and hold it up to her ear and say "Hi! Hi!" forever. Her ability to understand and follow directions astounds me every day (The other day I said offhandedly that I needed to find my phone and she went and got it from where she stashed it in her bedroom and brought it to me! I was like O_O) and she now knows the sign for "diaper" so she tells me when she needs to be changed (hallelujah). I'm considering getting more serious about EC once it gets warmer and she can just wear dresses/skirts with no diaper, or just little cloth trainers. She's pretty aware of her elimination needs, and I'm at least on the right track with my awareness since we've been EC-ing since 4 months, but man, mobile babies in pants are a pain to undress in a hurry.
I have a new meal plan, but it's across the room right now and I'm too lazy to go get it. I'll put it up in the next couple days because there is some seriously good food on it. Dairy-free has been getting better and better (although we're totally eating baked mac and cheese when Mayah stays over my mom's on the 2nd) and we've been cooking up some awesomely tasty things over here. (However, do not attempt to make chicken gnocchi soup with rice milk. Sadly, it is not good eats.)
Mayah is now starting out the night on the toddler bed in HER room (AND we got the guest bedroom set up so we have a real 3-bedroom house now instead of one bedroom with 2 storage rooms :D) so Chris and I can actually use our master bathroom for the first time in MONTHS, which is where I'm now headed to brush my teeth. Good night all!