__andthepills

blankdays_ @ 2008-06-17T00:14:00

2008-06-17T05:18:41Z

omg posting a live journal entry seems so unusual and foreign.

life is good, life is more controllable and i feel I have a better grasp at the goals I want to achieve. I was feeling down and useless for a while but up until about 3 months ago I've just taken positive changes and got my priorities in a clearer order. I have been doing a lot of art lately and it just makes me happy. I know this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, which gives me reassurance that I have some sort of niche I should pursue. It's so easy to get lost in everything, and I know it will eventually happen because it's a natural experience in life, but I don't think I could get further from where I need to be.. I'm just going to continue pursuing what I want and trying to make things better for me and everyone I care about. For once I find growing up refreshing.

I'm working part time right now and do a few jobs on the weekends.. Still trying to figure out the school thing. Right now I'm just focused on saving money, eventually moving out and letting everything flow naturally and when I'm ready, I'll hopefully make the right steps I need to take.

shoot w/ dana. thurs/nov.30/07

2007-12-03T04:50:59Z

i want to photoshop these so badly:(

dana came over on friday and we had a little shoot. it went really good, she did great. the only thing that frustrates me is I don't have a computer to work with, I have to use my moms laptop.. So I can't get all the pictures up and I can't photoshop them. These are untouched and I'm dying to play around with them and polish them off. I'll try to get more up as soon as I can.

I START MY NEW JOB TOMORROW!! AHHH. Nervous as fuck.

NOW FUR REAL, R YEW KIDDN ME?

2007-11-23T00:19:41Z

NO WONDA THARZ PANIC IN THA INDUSTREE I MEAN PLZ

blankdays_ @ 2007-11-20T01:02:00

2007-11-20T07:27:27Z

I'm in the mood to give this thing some lovin, it's been a while.

I switched things up by staying in all weekend. Yes. And this is a change because I'd say for about the past 4 months every weekend I party it up til the wee hours of the morning and find myself extremely far from where I need to be. Usually downtown or in the Osborne area waking up hungover as fuck, and then an excruciatingly long 1 hour bus ride home followed by a shower and then sleeping the day away. I've gotten use to this so it ain't no thang, but it was nice to stay in and just geek out, watch incredibly retarded art films with some friends and be well rested.

Saturday Paige and Chelsey came over, MOVIE NIGHT PT. 1. I think I want this to become a tradition. A mandatory movie night every week is good for the soul. I made little pizza pitas and stuffed them with cheese, tomatoes, red onions, green and red peppers and threw them in the oven. I also made some vodka punch. We munched down all the pizza ( about 14 or so ) and then threw in Panic in Needle Park, staring a very young and foxy Al Pacino. It's not exactly hard to follow but it jumps from one scenario to another and never really gives you a chance to grasp or understand any situation, not to mention you feel as though you missed a 30 minute chunk because the love story isn't explained, it just starts without any pre text. We never made it threw that one.

The second movie. GUMMO. Gummo. Where do I start with this one? It's a film simply filled with images that most audiences wouldn't be able to relate to, which makes it all the more shocking and some what far fetched, but knowing that It's based in a small town setting it's not all that hard to believe. It's a movie that induces laughs because the situations are humorous but after the laughter ends, you are left with an unsettling feeling because the scenerios are disturbing and hopeless. I enjoyed watching this movie because al though grotesque at times, it furthur proves the point that life is beautiful even in the most horrible ways. The cinemaphotography is beautiful as well, and even though you are bombarded left and right with images such as cat slayings, kids huffing glue, kids wandering around hopelessly, a midget with a strangely huge forehead, a husband pimping out his mentally ill girlfriend, you can still spot and appreciate the visual wonders of mostly any situation life has to offer. You will probably walk into this movie looking for a deeper meaning because its presented in such a lose and straight forward manner but I think it's simply just a movie that gives you a glimpse into the lives of people living in a completely different world than you live in.

GUMMO. this scene was almost too disgusting to watch. and almost ruined spaghetti forever for me, almost.

So I wasn't intentionally planning on writing pretentious movie reviews, so lets skip a head. My computer is completely dead and I have to use my moms laptop. No programs, just the internet. I've come to the conclusion that photoshop is my drug. I NEED IT. I'm dying. I have a lot of ideas for pieces but no computer to execute them with.

I find out on Wednesday if I got the job at Payless Shoes or not. Whatever. I NEED A JOB, but I won't cry if I don't get it. I think I did though.

blankdays_ @ 2007-10-17T02:33:00

2007-10-17T07:35:22Z

dont fear what they'll say because they'll say anything to make you fear

mini update:

working on a personal site - kinda procrastinating
been working on a lot of art
job searching - need a job asap
so excited for halloween , too many things to do (nutty klub, scream , etc)
excited for andy warhol exhibit on nov.2nd

now what i need is simple - a job and a boy
i can wait for the boy, but i need the job asap

i want to take a photography class as well

and also, i need to decide what i want to take at red river , graphic design or photography
hard hard decision!!

blankdays_ @ 2007-08-15T15:18:00

2007-08-15T20:18:51Z

I NEED SOMEONE TO HOST MY WEBSITE BUT SHIT I DON'T HAVE ANY ~INTERNET~ CONNECTIONS ANYMORE! :( THIS SUCKS.

blankdays_ @ 2007-08-04T02:15:00

2007-08-04T07:22:41Z

fucking up and over thinking, what else do i do these days?

so I'm jobless and the whole fucking world is acting like i just need a job .. since when did employment completely reflect on a person? I'm 17, the only job I could possibly get right now is a no brainer piece of shit job that will in the end teach me no valuable skills. i plan on becoming a graphic designer so right now in my life, a part time job isn't a necessity, however sitting on my computer and designing will give me experience that i actually need in the future. not to mention i worked full time for 4 months and after doing that, i was drained and completely turned off from the whole working 9-5 life. why bother have money when you have little time to enjoy it?

Due to my lack of job .. I'm having a sweet summer of being outside, walking around, eating good meals around the city, sitting outside on patios drinking delicious martinis .. very lazy summer of doing "nothing" but just enjoying the weather and my friends .. what's so bad about that?

I'll look for a fucking job when I want to

in other news, I'm seeing this guy who's sweet , I'm just weary because on record it doesn't sound like it'd work.. but I'm sick of hearing things from an "on record" point of view, because everything turns out completely different than how you think it will. i say fuck following the standards of life , the mandatory path. I'm going to do whatever feels right, instead of constantly comparing my situation to other peoples.

18 in a month and 1 day .. scary thought, scary indeed.

blankdays_ @ 2007-05-25T18:10:00

2007-05-25T23:12:54Z

I love the little things that leave me breathless, the simplistic things that seem so complicated but are exactly as they are, as straight forward as possible.

I love having hope, I love being excited for what's to come.

Payday today, I'm getting ready to go out for Sushi, some shopping, drinks with one of my faves Megan, and it'll be amazing. Good conversation with ensue, I know it.

blankdays_ @ 2007-05-21T17:10:00

2007-05-21T22:11:53Z

More to come. I need to get a website up asap, for personal satisfaction. And also, I need a boyfriend :[

blankdays_ @ 2007-05-07T20:43:00

2007-05-08T01:47:44Z

What's new? Nothing really. Same old, Same old.

I've been thinking a lot of what I want to accomplish in the future and what I want to be .. It's nice to dream but it comes to a point where you have to actually start planning and figuring out how exactly you're going to accomplish this. I really want to start a online magazine. Or a street fashion blog, something of that sort. And take the pictures for it. And make the illustrations. I want to go to college and study Graphic Design but I also want to study photography. I need to start saving my money and start practicing more and more. I've lost a bit of interest with the whole art thing, that's not entirely true.. I've just been having this HUGE 1 year spanding creative block, I feel as though my talents are slowly fading and that is a seriously scary thought to have. The 2 things I want most currently, are a relationship and to do something with my talent .. I want a project that forces me to organize my work and constantly have something to work on for that matter.

So, I need to make a plan. First I need to purchase a domain, but I have no way of doing so .. I need to get paypal, but first I need to get a bank account .. mine got shut down because I was broke for like 6 months with absolutely no money in there. If my dad would stop procrastinating .. He was suppose to take me to get one for like 4 weeks now, lol.

New work.

2007-04-10T05:25:01Z

Just a little something I made. I know it's really busy but that's my style lol. Estimated time - 30 minutes.

" Taking notes, Never giving the speech "

2007-04-05T02:34:28Z

I feel like relationships are the hardest thing to come by in my life but where does this stem from? You have to keep some skeletons in your closet and I think I will keep mine in for today

I know why I have such a hard time connecting to people, because of what has happened to me in the past, but I don't really know how to overcome it. It's always an underlying thought in my head and when someone attempts to get close to me i immediately jeopardize the potential relationship and shut down, shut them out and make myself un appealing and some what scare them away. These sort of things are hard to understand let alone change, I wouldn't know where to start.

I long for closeness with anyone and yes I have close friends but you know, I feel as though I've missed out on the whole ' tell a person everything / call them all the time / let them know everything about you / feel connected ' .. I have never really had that with anyone and when I do have that it eventually fades into a acquaintance type relationship.

"What you hate you will eventually become"
Is this true? do you spend so much time analyzing and reading what you dislike that it seems intriguing and you're slowly gripped into what you despise.

"The person who knows you the best will eventually become a stranger"
This quote is so sad because It's true.

Do you jeopardize a bit of yourself to gain what you long for? .. in doing so you just lose a bit of your previous self and you long for what you use to have , because you no longer have it.

You'll never be satisfied with what you have because there is always a bigger improvement , a technological advancement , a prettier specimen , a more successful person.. I wish I could be happy with what I have but I feel so ugly awkward and stupid. Sometimes I feel like a non existing observer of the world .. like I'm not actually living here just taking notes and observing, never giving the speech.

How can you live and succeed when you .. just don't really want to live?

I think the hardest thing ever is understanding if the horrible realization that you just realized is true or just a paranoid thought you made up to cope with your current loses.

Can I ever go back to who I was ? . . before all this. These past 2 years have erased the other 15.

pictures.

2007-03-29T02:14:23Z

blankdays_ @ 2007-02-12T18:24:00

2007-02-13T00:31:48Z

yum dana's so gorgeous. i was intially going to do something different with these pictures but i'm the worst procrastinator in history and just wanted to get them done. i still might, i have something else planned and there are a lot of other pictures from that 'shoot'

i'm really eager to start practicing more and more and now that my basement is completely empty it will be more convenient and much more space to do so.

hehe no one reads this thing or comments so I don't know why I update but oh wellz enjoy non existing audience.

blankdays_ @ 2007-02-06T02:43:00

2007-02-06T08:45:24Z

I'm done school and don't know where I stand. I know what I want to do and I kind of know how to get it, the only problem that stands before me is actually accomplishing it. It's easy to imagine what you want, what's hard is actually getting to it.

the latest. Don't know if I like it or not, I'm leaning towards the 'oh visually it looks ok' but hmm. Something missing? It was kind of rushed.

just a little somethin' somethin'

2007-02-02T06:16:27Z

more to come.

druken art.

2007-01-06T06:34:33Z

Something I've been working on. Picture I took of Carly and Christina when we got juiced as fuck on Wednesday lol. I just don't know what to add or where I'm going with it but right now I think it looks pretty decent. I'm thinking i'll use it for the cover of my online mag when it goes up.

This is what is created when you are drunk and attempt art.

I better be allowed to go out tomorrow night because I wanna check temple of sound out. Even just for a bit, I know I won't be do anything so I might get tired and want to leave earlier. Tonight has been dreadfully boring and school is soon. Oh no. I know there are assignments I should of been finished already but oh well. I'll probably do them on sunday because I'm such a procrastinator, lol.

Just a thought.

2006-12-19T06:40:52Z

so many sheltered people surround me and at the same time ,
I might be a little envious because we probably view the world in a completely different light,
them in a positive yet confusing one and me in a generally negative vision
at the same time however sympathy for them falls upon me because one can't live sheltered
the experiences they miss, or shall i say the feeling of never quite knowing if they've missed anything at all.

a mystery will remain as they indulge in a little reflection time and time again
an inability to place emotions to experiences
a generally close minded view on how things really work

i'm glad I haven't lived completely sheltered and for this reason alone I have nothing to complain about
because I know at least through the experiences i've had i've grown into the person I'm semi content with right now

when someone lives sheltered it will eventually build up and evolve into a constant awareness of missing out
and allow them to justify their potential poor decisions
with the excuse that they haven't lived at all
and when one hasn't lived at all .. an eagerness to make up for the lack of feeling they've never felt will fall upon them

and when one tries to make up for the experiences they've missed, they tend to lead to excess
and that only leads to a road that everyone has been down before
a road that is seldom taken on purpose, but often taken by curiosity.

hello.

2006-12-16T07:03:15Z

what is up my niggas. i'm so bored, as usual i sat on my ass on a friday night and geeked it up. hopefully tomorrow is gonna be awesome! going to temple of sound and getting fucking hammered.

hmm .. heres something i made tonight.

that picture is the most unflattering pic i've ever seen but it's so awesome in too many ways lol. i have so much more shit to post, but right now i'm just way too lazy!

New work

2006-10-25T03:14:17Z

I finally got my creative juice flowing and made this today in a half an hour or so. I like it. Comments?

blankdays_ @ 2006-10-23T22:43:00

2006-10-24T03:54:50Z

Today was a good day because I got my scream ticket and most of my costume .. I got the fake eyelashes, the black top hat, a cane, and these pimped out white suspenders that dana bought me from le chateau for $6.99 lol! the deal is though that she's keeping them after but its obviously only fair. (btw I'm being alex from a clockwork orange, what's with NOBODY seeing that movie?)

Janelle and I drove around downtown for a bit, went to starbucks lol , my first time having their coffeee .. fuck buddy like I bought a large and I was off the wall and way too energetic for my own good.. for once in my life I felt energy in my body lmao .. I'm such a burn out.

Speaking of being a burn out I'm laying off the weed for sure .. like I dont smoke that much anymore but I like having a clear mind because when I'm not high I'm so much more outgoing and I'm not shy .. I have a better understanding of things and I'm more confident .. basically I'm not a dumbass lol..

School's going good I have an 89% in graphics and I dont know about my other classes but I'm doing good in everything except fucking math .. I hate math it's really confusing to me, I'm more of an english kinda guy.

1 picture, HOLY FUCK EXCITING!!!

2006-10-22T02:24:26Z

Can you tell what it is? Hopefully.

blankdays_ @ 2006-10-21T15:17:00

2006-10-21T20:20:12Z

'the fuck .... lol i'm so bored and burnt out .. yesterday tina shaughnessy carly and i smoked like half an ounce and wake and baked ... blah. I have to set up my room and shit actually I have a lot of shit I need to do

I need my ticket for scream .. 23 bucks, rofl after starving myself by not eating lunch at school because I had to save my money up ( hahaha grade 9 memories fack) it best be worth it oh but it will

and i have pics to post but i'm lazy .

hmmmmm what should I do today ..

blankdays_ @ 2006-10-12T11:20:00

2006-10-12T16:21:19Z

I just wrote a stupid post that didn't work, but anyways .. I'm sick of complaining that I'm sick but like fuck .. it's been so long I just want to enjoy some nice food and maybe a smoke? Although I think I'm gonna quit it really disgusts me and so far it's been like 4 days without one.

So I CAN GO TO SCREAM NOW:D So pumped.. I dont know what to be though.. I kinda wanna be a vampire.. so unoriginal but I don't care lolol .. any suggestions?

blankdays_ @ 2006-10-10T00:54:00

2006-10-10T05:57:02Z

I'm so fucking sick AGAIN. Return of the killer painful tonsilitis, It just won't leave me alone .. JUST LEAVE ME ALLLLOOOONE.

Lol omg saturday was so fun! I love going to the loft, it was 18+ but the nice little cute lady let us in anyway and we didn't have to pay either. I love when things come together like that, it's magic baby.

I have so many pictures to post lol I need permission though because even though I think they are gold the people that are featured in them might not rofl. I took pics at the loft and they all turned out awesome, I love it.

I need to get a website asap, Like I literally need to pimp myself out to some creepy 40 year old pedos lol easier said then done though. Anyways I'm gonna go my throat fucking hurts I need to rip it out then fry it on the stove, bye!