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Alright everyone, this is a long fucking update. I haven't been on for a day or so, and a lot happened. In this entry you're going to find out why i freaked out the other night. So sit tight.
It started with me talking to Joel online. He was getting mad because I skipped gym, and said I was losing participation marks but.. I don't care. So anyways, I told him to tell me a story.. cause I was bored you know? He ended up telling me this really adorable story about him playing a really good game of baseball and his dad was happy for him. for once. He asked me to tell him one and I told him about how I got my tongue stuck to a pole, and how it was a 'sad' day.
And he just.. like.. broke down. I guess the word 'Sad' just sets off memories in his head, not good ones too. He started telling me how his dad kicked him so hard once he could barely eat for a week.
and I fucking lost it, thank you very much.
Then he got into detail about other shit his dad has done to him, and thats just waaay to personal to be put in here. but lets just say if he ever touches joel like that ever again.. I will fucking put him into his grave.
I got so mad, I couldn't control myself. I was like freaking out on AIM. I despise his father with everything I have, and if I actually had the chance to take Joel away from all that suffering and shit, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I've never been so angry. I told Joel that. And he told me to calm down and all this shit, and he started feeling bad that he told me. I didn't want him to. I don't even understand how he can live with that shit and kept it a secret for so long. I told him I needed to know these things, and he asked why. And I said so I could take care of him. Be the shoulder to cry on.
And then he was like, you know what I want right now?
so I asked what?
and he was like, for you to be here right now while im crying..
or something... but the point is he wanted me there. so you know what? Joel needed me. So I was there. I logged off and fucking left in a heart beat.
I don't know why I did it.. but earliar in the conversation he said he was hungry. So on my way out the door, I grabbed some leftovers of my moms pasta..yknow, for him.
So when I got there, he was just standing there.. and it was a bit silent and awkward until we both kinda just.. hugged. I don't know what it was, but I just felt like I needed to hold onto him, to know that he was protected in my arms. it also kinda, i dunno.. can i say broke my heart? cause hes my like closest and only friend and to see him hurting this badly killed me. Anyways, I kinda brought him inside because he was just so lost.
And he didn't eat the pasta, but I kinda wasn't expecting him too... hey its the thought that counts!
So we got into his room, sat on his bed and I took him into my arms and just sat there while he cried and it was so emotional for me, but i guess im the strong one in this so I just sat there and held him. Then he just started spilling it out, like everything. Everything thats happened to him. Every now and then he'd pull apart from me and tell me something that I couldn't hear because it was being muffeled. And then.. theres one memory.. I dont know if he still does it.. but when Joel was telling me, I couldn't hear him. So he pulled apart from me and wouldn't look me in the eyes. and he just kinda mumbled 'he makes me touch myself infront of him.'. And I was fucking shocked, like.. speechless so I went to go hug him and he pushed me away, and I was like.. ohshitohshit I shouldn't have asked.
He bent over the side of his bed and just started puking. And I was like, fuck! Why did I make him rethink these horrible memories. I was so clueless. So I just sat there and rubbed his back, finally when he was done he just sat there breathing and slowly sat back up and I just had to have him in my arms after that. So I pulled him in and I don't know why, but its a comforting jesture, so I pulled him in and felt him breathing and crying and I just.. kissed his head, and after that he kinda just.. relaxed.
but I didn't. I was so fucking angry. I started tensing up and mumbling curse words and threats against his father, and somehow.. I don't know. My adrenaline took over me, and Joel was no longer in my arms and I was standing up near his door ready to go fucking kill the sorry excuse called his Father, until Joel just kinda grabbed my hand into his and pulled me into the hug. I didn't like it that he was hugging me, I was supposed to be hugging him.. but I just couldn't be mad and sad at the same time, so I just let go of my anger for Joel. He thinks his dad can do all this bad shit to me, which is like.. fucking wrong because his dad can't do jack shit to me. Hes fucking lucky enough hes touching Joel now that Im around, because I'll fucking kill him if he does it again.
Joel fell asleep in my arms. So I tucked him under his covers, and just stared at him. He wasn't crying but he didn't look so peaceful, but at least he was getting some rest. Fuck, if I could of stayed there and lay next to him protecting him all night.. I would've, but his Dad was in the house. So, I cleaned up the throw up the best I could, climbed out his window and was gone. I wish I could've stayed... I got no sleep what so ever.
So around like 6:30 or some stupid early morning time, I got changed and left and sat on the curb outside near Joels house. I just, don't know.. I needed to be watching over him. I put my head in my knees and kinda dozed off, and then I was snapped back to reality when I felt a pair of arms around me and a voice saying 'thank you' and I slowly looked up, saw Joel, and gave a small smile cause I was so fucking tired.
So we went to school.
You don't really need to hear about my school day after reading all that. But lets just say it was so boring. I kept glancing to Joel, trying to read his facial expressions. Sometimes I still feel like hes one big mystery to me..
Ha, in Gym though.. I decided to go, for him..yknow? And we were jogging for a bit and I ran up to him and was like "I don't see your participation skills, Mr.Combs!" Just to bring a smile to his face. It worked too.
so then after school, I invited him over before the big baseball game he had. He came over, and I felt kinda weird having him in my house because... his house is so much nicer. ive never brought a friend home. and my whole house was clean but my room was a mess. it had cd's, paper that I tried writing on, and clothes everywhere. But he brushed it off and just sat on my bed and listened to music.
We kinda noticed we were running a bit late, so we bolted out of my house. Just as we were arriving and I was about to go up into the stands I took Joel by the shoulders, and told him he was going to do great. He nodded and gave me an unsure smile, and I just left.
And holyshit hes so good. He can really play ball man. Like, I know nothing about sports or baseball if anything.. but he can pitch pretty fucking fast and nice. It looked like a very nice game. He did fine. All that worrying for nothing.
so after the game he came up to me and I told him he did fucking brilliant and that I'd offer to walk him home. Incase the fucking idiot was home, and I don't know.. I just did, hes my friend yknow. Luckily he wasn't home.. I don't know if he came home that night or not, but as long as he wasnt home then.
We just kinda stood there, and I was like about to say goodbye.. when he just pulled me into another hug and said Thanks again.
So thats where it ends my friends. I'm so fucking story you had to read through all that emotional stuff, all that hugging and shit.. but, well.. its something that completely changed my life.
talk to you kids later.
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