Journal moving time. It's an OCD thing. http://rrandomkkarma.livejournal.com/

Nixon once observed that “there are those who want instant integration and those who want segregation forever. I believe that we need to have a middle course between those two extremes.”

This makes sense, really. It's similar to switching from water everyday to a pop. The results is you will feel shitty, be grumpy, and in disapproval of this new change.

It also is similar as to the gay marriage thing. Instead of going straight (HA!) to it being legal, we'll have a lower form of marriage, a civil union. And one day, as like intergration, gay marriage will be the normal.

Sure, neither was/will be easy, but in 60 or so years and we'll look back and think of how horrible it was that we didn't give equal rights to someone of different color or sexuality.

But I think in order to do this, you need to be accepting. Even to this day, my mom doesn't want me to date a black man, or anyone out side of my race. I grant you there will always be this immaturity, but I'm hoping with time, it will get better.

And if my mother is reading this, if I dated outside of my race and/or the opposite sex/same sex, would you still love me? I'm guessing you would say yes, and if you did, why tell me things that doing so is wrong? And for your information, this is not my "coming out" in anyway, so don't take it in that way, OK?

It all seemed perfect/But there are moments when I feel nothing at all/Same as always/Now it's repeating itself all over again

• Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
  
• "I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
  
• I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and gasps "Oh look at that!" Then - whoosh, and I'm gone... and they'll never see anything like it ever again, and they won't be able to forget me - ever.
  
• "I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments."
  
• Listen, real poetry doesn't say anything; it just ticks off the possibilities. Opens all doors. You can walk through anyone that suits you.
  
• "Love cannot save you from your own fate."
  
• People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend.
  
• "There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors."
  
• Violence isn't always evil. What's evil is the infatuation with violence.

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

There is seriously something wrong with me, I just spent 3 hours looking around the internet when I have 79 assignments to go in 19 fucking days.

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!

goodfuckingnight/


Breakdown/Yeah you breakdown/Well don’t you breakdown

You can only move as fast as
Who's in front of you
And if you assume
Just like them
What good will it do
So find out for yourself
So your ignorance
Will stop bleeding through

You can breathe today

So many lies swirling
All around you
You're suffocating
The empty shape in you
Steals your breath
You're suffocating

Logic forces me to believe in this
And I have learned to see
And I can only say what I've seen and heard
And only you can choose
And every choice you make will effect you
Search your own self

You can breathe today

So many lies swirling
All around you
You're suffocating
The empty shape in you
Steals your breath
You're suffocating

So many lies swirling
All around you
You're suffocating
The empty shape in you
Steals your breath
You're suffocating

Breathe

Big enough to fill the void that's inside of you
It's just a breath away

So many lies swirling
All around you
You're suffocating
The empty shape in you
Steals your breath
You're suffocating

So many lies swirling
All around you
You're suffocating
The empty shape in you
Steals your breath

Breathe

So many lies swirling
All around you
You're suffocating
Breathe
The empty shape in you
Breathe today

Hi. I'm Brandy. I'm confused on many things about me. But I do know one thing, "Miss Murder" reminds me of someone, not because she they like AFI. Oh, what have I done?

Hey Miss Murder can I/Make beauty stay if I/take my life?

Hydrocodone is some good shit.

In Bio we're dissecting frogs. Which is basically going to a web site and looking and reading each of the 53 steps. I feel like I am going to puke.

JUST TALK TO ME ALREADY! i don't bite, i promise. I like you. Just acknowledge me, please!


I kept my mouth shut for too long/All this time you got me wrong

I had a dream last night. Surprise, really. But it involved a boy. He was perfect. We were driving around, and I look over at him and he had snakebites and was kinda scruffy, and leaned over to kiss him and he didn't like go off, in fact I had to make the move to go further. So this is all I can remember, but I really wanna know where the real-life version of this boy is...


When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch your skin/I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck

Low blood sugars suck, it's general knowledge. But when I change my set and I have a low I hate life. Seriously, nothing makes it harder to see if a set is working then a low blod sugar. I feel like crying. I have to wake up at 6.3a for an eye appointment so tomorrow will suck, too.


Kat Von D = my hero, kinda

You're laughing/But you're hiding/God I know that trick too well/You forget/That I've been you/And now I'm just the shell/I promise/I love you and/Everything will work out fine/Don't try to/Grow up yet/Oh just give it some time

i♥u

Brand New = best band ever. I don't care what you say, they are. They are the one of the few artists that I would stand out in the rain for for months to get a concert ticket. I'm in love, too, which a band. Hahaha. Oh, and the last post about love, still feel it.

What do I do when you get close?/If I kissed your neck, would you slit my throat?

AHHHH!!! DEGRASSI!!!!

“We've got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn't matter with me now, because I've been to the mountain top. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life…. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land.”

— Martin Luther King, Jr., April 3, 1968


It's rather sad, and ironic, that he was assassinated the next day.

It's times like these that make the life seem so simply complexed. With tears we shed our fears. And when these tears dry we either feel joy it is out, or sadness that they are gone. It is a matter of representation, I handle mine different from yours. Simply put; no one is the same. We do not cry the same tears, for mine mean something different than yours. Additionally, we do not all bleed the same, blood and tears are not far apart. I'm trying to make it through this life and I feel like I have so much to learn, yet so little exposure. But at the end of the day, I am happy, and I feel good, so the lesson yet to be learned will come, sooner or later.

You say you'll love me but you wont/When you find out who I am

You actually do care. Or it's just good timing..

When your only friends are hotel rooms/Hands are distant lullabies/If I could turn around I would tonight/These roads never seemed so long/Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone/Will daybreak ever come?

Why must we cry? Why must I over stupid things? Perhaps the fact I can slowly hear my heart tearing itself from my soul? The fact that as I read the ball in my throat grows with each word. Maybe it is the fact that I can still taste you, though we've never tasted. That I give out what I've never gotten back. I've been sober for five months and goddamnit I will not break that. But it is tempting. The bets are stacked high on that you wouldn't notice if I was to be there. But I am not, so the bet isn't fair. I promised to never let someone effect me in the ways in which you have, but I've broken that more times then I have breathed. I want this to be a reach to you, but I know you will never see it. I am not the go-to, I'm just poison in the bottle. I wish that I could forget you as you have done to me. I am seen has a strong person to the outside world, but inside, I am a small, crumbling soul with a time limit.

I still taste you/thus reserves my right to hate you.

My name:
Who is the love of my life:
Where did we meet:
Take a stab at my middle name:
How long have you known me:
When is the last time that we saw each other:
Do I smoke:
Do I drink:
What was your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me:
What's one of my favorite things to do:
Am I funny:
What's my favorite type of music:
What is the best feature about me:
Am I shy or outgoing:
Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
Do I have any special talents:
Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what):
Have you ever hugged me:
What is my favorite food:
Have you ever had a crush on me:
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
What's your favorite memory of me:
Who do I like right now:
What is my worst habit:
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring?
Are we friends:
Do you want us to be more than friends?
Will you repost this so I can do it for you?

Pete Doherty = The New Kurt Cobain.


I still think they're hot.

I've noticed something, with each day I'm finding myself wanting to peel off my layers of skin. Not literally, but my soul's skin. I want to forgot. Not everything, of course, but certain things. Not the lying, or anything like that. But I want to get rid a certain person in my life. I'm not longer close to them, but they are still in my everyday thoughts, and that is annoying. But it's not like I can just say, "Oh fuck it, whatever", this person shares half of my genes, and that bothers me.

Well, I guess that I will alwaysalways be related to this person is what bothers me. Said person is hopping around the world and not giving a shit. So everything this person does is reflective of me and my last name. For clearance, there are only 50 people in the world with my last name, so clearly, it's tight knit. And I don't want my fucktard of a half-sister destroying my rep.

At CSAP, one of the teachers asked if I was related to said person, and slowly said yes. I know it's a small town, and everybody and their brother knows my dad, which is fine because he is a good person, but they also know my sisters. The ones when they lived here were none for drinking, drugs, partying, and abortions. I think my choice on not doing those things is that I don't want to be a reflection of my sisters. I know when someone says they know my sisters they know their past, they don't know mine. I don't want to be seen as one of my sisters.

I'd like my own person. I don't want to be ____'s sister or _____'s daughter. I'm BRANDY, goddamnit. Why can't people see that? I'm at the breaking point, I know when people meet me they don't try and remember my name, they just remember I'm related to so-and-so.

Switchfoot is the new blade.

I have the flu. goddamnit. I'm sweating on moment, then freezing the next. It's like monopause. =(

Yeah, sorry about flooding your FP.

So...it's time for Brandy to grow up. The heart sank when realizing this, but I assure you, it's a good idea.

"Kenji"

My father came from Japan in 1905
He was 15 when he immigrated from Japan
He worked until he was able to buy - to actually build a store

Let me tell you the story in the form of a dream,
I don't know why I have to tell it but I know what it means,
Close your eyes, just picture the scene,
As I paint it for you, it was World War II,
When this man named Kenji woke up,
Ken was not a soldier,
He was just a man with a family who owned a store in LA,
That day, he crawled out of bed like he always did,
Bacon and eggs with wife and kids,
He lived on the second floor of a little store he ran,
He moved to LA from Japan,
They called him 'Immigrant,'
In Japanese, he'd say he was called "Issei,"
That meant 'First Generation In The United States,'
When everyone was afraid of the Germans, afraid of the Japs,
But most of all afraid of a homeland attack,
And that morning when Ken went out on the doormat,
His world went black 'cause,
Right there; front page news,
Three weeks before 1942,
"Pearl Harbour's Been Bombed And The Japs Are Comin',"
Pictures of soldiers dyin' and runnin',
Ken knew what it would lead to,
Just like he guessed, the President said,
"The evil Japanese in our home country will be locked away,"
They gave Ken, a couple of days,
To get his whole life packed in two bags,
Just two bags, couldn't even pack his clothes,
Some folks didn't even have a suitcase, to pack anything in,
So two trash bags is all they gave them,
When the kids asked mom "Where are we goin'?"
Nobody even knew what to say to them,
Ken didn't wanna lie, he said "The US is lookin' for spies,
So we have to live in a place called Manzanar,
Where a lot of Japanese people are,"
Stop it don't look at the gunmen,
You don't wanna get the soldiers wonderin',
If you gonna run or not,
'Cause if you run then you might get shot,
Other than that try not to think about it,
Try not to worry 'bout it; bein' so crowded,
Someday we'll get out, someday, someday.

As soon as war broke out
The F.B.I. came and they just come to the house and
"You have to come"
"All the Japanese have to go"
They took Mr. Ni
People didn't understand
Why did they have to take him?
Because he's an innocent laborer

So now they're in a town with soldiers surroundin' them,
Every day, every night look down at them,
From watch towers up on the wall,
Ken couldn't really hate them at all;
They were just doin' their job and,
He wasn't gonna make any problems,
He had a little garden with vegetables and fruits that,
He gave to the troops in a basket his wife made,
But in the back of his mind, he wanted his families life saved,
Prisoners of war in their own damn country,
What for?
Time passed in the prison town,
He wanted them to live it down when they were free,
The only way out was joinin' the army,
And supposedly, some men went out for the army, signed on,
And ended up flyin' to Japan with a bomb,
That 15 kilotonne blast, put an end to the war pretty fast,
Two cities were blown to bits; the end of the war came quick,
Ken got out, big hopes of a normal life, with his kids and his wife,
But, when they got back to their home,
What they saw made them feel so alone,
These people had trashed every room,
Smashed in the windows and bashed in the doors,
Written on the walls and the floor,
"Japs not welcome anymore."
And Kenji dropped both of his bags at his sides and just stood outside,
He, looked at his wife without words to say,
She looked back at him wiping tears away,
And, said "Someday we'll be okay, someday,"
Now the names have been changed, but the story's true,
My family was locked up back in '42,
My family was there it was dark and damp,
And they called it an internment camp

When we first got back from camp... uhh
It was... pretty... pretty bad

I, I remember my husband said
"Are we gonna stay 'til last?"
Then my husband died before they close the camp.

I'm blood sugar is 600+, it's not registering with the BM.

For such beautiful eyes,
Such an empty soul,
Connecticut where you should go,
You hop around the world looking for a new high,
A new path of lies laid,
You can sleep so that is all that matters,
I hope you find what you are looking for,
That is how the West Coast was won,
Eyes so clear they are windows,
And the blinds are your mask,
A personal goal is to hide,
So run away,
It is what you do best,
Maybe along the way you will find the answer..

Switchfoot is so good. I can put them in my headphones, lay back and relax. It's just so chill. I feel like I am floating and that I am leaving all the things weighing me down on earth, while I soar to the sky.

...I think I am starting to sound like a stoner.

Whatever poison's in this bottle will leave me broken sore and stiff.
But it's the genie at the bottom who I'm sucking at. He owes me one last wish.
So here's a present to let you know I still exist.
I hope the next boy that you kiss has something terribly contagious on his lips.

But I got a plan (I got a plan)
Drink (drift) for forty days and forty nights.
A sip for every second-hand tick.
And for every time you fed me the line, "you mean so much to me...".
I'm without you.

[Chorus x2]
So tell all the English boys you meet, about the American boy back in the states.
The American boy you used to date.
Who would do anything you say.

(And even if her plane)
And even if her plane crashes tonight she'll find some way to disappoint me,
by not burning in the wreckage, or drowning at the bottom of the sea.
"Jess, I still taste you, thus reserve my right to hate you."
And all this empty space that you create does nothing for my flawless sense of style.

It's 8:45 (it's 8:45). The weather is getting better by the hour.
(Rains all the time) I hope it rains there all the time.
And if you ever said you miss me then don't say you never lied.
I'm without you.

[Chorus x2]
So tell all the English boys you meet, about the American boy back in the states.
The American boy you used to date.
Who would do anything you say.

Who would do anything you say

Never gonna get it right, you're never gonna get it [x7]

[x2 (previous singing continues in the background)]
No more songs about you
After this one, I am done
You are, you are, you're gone

[Chorus x2 (previous singing continues in the background)]
So tell all the English boys you meet, about the American boy back in the states.
The American boy you used to date.
Who would do anything you say.

I'm getting my leaner's permit soon. I don't know how I feel, I'm scared, but I also think it would be cool to have the option of driving myself different place.

June 13th, a little more than three months. My 16th means so much. First tattoo, driving, three years instead of five, nine years I have owned Thumper.

March 23rd, seven years after I was diagnosed.

Time is flying, I feel like I am going no where.


Dearest you-(probably)-know-who-you-are;

I've been having some issues lately. And one of them being that more then ever I just want you here, or me where you are, to help me through. Typing is good, but I've become used to it. You are the only person I can trust, and I wish I had someone like that here so I could pour my heart out.

When we first started talking, we were in the same place. You have come so far from that, and I am so proud of you. I want that, it sounds so childish, but I want you abillity to move on, and take on anything.


amour vous à jamais, Brandy

I Bet You Will is on MTV2, I looooved this show like four years ago. I'm quite happy to be watching it as I was thinking about it the other day.

New layout. On LJ and MS. I really, really need to do homework.

"Paperthin Hymn"

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight

You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the lord

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I thought you said forever
over and over
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I thought you said forever
over and over
These thoughts run through my head

My stomach hurts from laughing so much.

See I ordered this driving class online and my booklet came today. One article including is titled, "How To Die ... in 0.7 Seconds!" I haven't laughed this hard in a while. The final line read, "Now will you wear your safety restraint?!?!?!?!" God this is going to be fun.

I find I'm hopeless. But I also fidn that I kind of like being so.

I think I have selective memory.

Example A
Ask me what the different of an angiosperm and a gymosperm, a verb and a adjective I couldn't tell you. Now, hum and few notes of a song, and I can tell you what it is.

Example B
The other day I got my bottle ol' happiness and couldn't remember were I placed it. But I remember how much water Petre drank last week.

Example C
Peppy has had this plush snake, and ripped it apart, dad asked me to pick up the pieces. I don't remember he told me this, but I do remember when/where/and how much I payed for said snake.

And various other deals. It gets so frustrating.

You spin me round round like a record baby. Who knew that a simple hair cut could make you feel so much better about yourself?

( PICTURES" )
Oh, yeah, and photobucket, your linking from my pictures to your website = annoying.

Some notes: I want to save the world, but I can't save myself. That annoys me.

I looked up PC tablets and about pissed myse;f. I think I can wait a few months/years so they can go below $1,000.

I'm doing much better. See on Friday (10th) I slowly upped my Zoloft from 100 to 125, which is probably why I was all suicidal. I'm better and I think next week I'll be bumped up to 150mg, so just a fair warning.

I haven't checked my friends page in a week, so if I missed something important, let me know.

OH MY GOD! Saw II. Fucking great. Near the end you just want to clap because the twist is so fucking good. I don't think I have ever been so excited over a movie, more less a sequal.

It's so cold outside (-15) that my whole window is covered in ice. I'm slightly tired, but OK.

Last night I went to bed at 5am, at 8.30am I finally went to bed. Not more than 15 minutes later I woke up shaking. Low blood sugar. SO NOT FAIR. [stabs panc repeatly] So I got up, stumbled into the kitchen, grabbed pop and crackers and headed back to bed. Sometimes I feel like just ignoring it so I can sleep, but I can't. And that pisses me off.

Oh, I made a break through, thanks to watching this Dr. Phil show. He says horders hord things for control. It clicked. I don't want things moved in my room because I think I would lose control of everything. Additionally, when it came to school projects, I would do everything so I had control. Figured that out. My next question was "I am I just a control freak or is it something else?" It is something else. Since I was eight I have had no control. Diabetes has taken that away from me. I cannot control my blood sugar, chemicals, and other things. So by selecting certain things that are not related to diabetes, control them and in some sense feel like I do in fact, have some control.

I think for some reason now I'm looking at things seeing if I can or cann0ot do that because of diabetes. My sister said that I should get out of the house and not be hermit because I can't live alone forever. She ment socially. But for health reasons, I can't live alone. I mean, yeah I can, but I'll probably die by 30.

It's just so heartbreaking to know that I am not the first to feel this -- nor am I the last. I feel like calling out to someone and anyone. But what would that do? Put me more under a spotlight? Actually have an offical suicide watch? I'm kidding. When slimeball was talking to my parents alone, I heard him say that to keep "a mini-suicide watch" over me while adjusting to my meds.

Long entry. Goodnight folks.

No? Went through my old entries, locked some, deleted some.

So I had this dream, me mom found my journal, and freaked the fuck out. So I'm like all fucking paranoid and shit.

Jeppy is doing better. He had to go to the vet Monday because he was acting weird, and the vet said he likely has a neurological disorder that is genetic (his brother died of a stroke in May 2005).

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