Carl

within you without me

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 16:36:23 GMT

Its not your fault its really not. If anything this was all mine & no it wasnt a mistake so shush before the words come out of your mouth i knew what i was doing although sometimes i think i dont & if anything this is my fault. Youre great youre lovely but i always told you that already. There are too many regrets to remember & if wishes were horses we'd be all the way to france on ponies by now but theres no remedy to change the past ¬hing i could do to change a fucked up heart.

I might wish so hard for it my eyes water because youve such a good, good heart & you know if i could change things to if it were just you & me i would i really would,. I wish harder than anything because for once it was easy you would smile at me & id smile back & it was alright it was. I dont expect you to want to talk to me any more or act like nothing happened but i wouldnt want to forget it because something did happen & it was good & you were good to me which was something i needed because i was so so cruel to myself. Thank you thank you thank you & i am so so sorry,.

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 06:34:10 GMT

Today has been one of the oddest days in living memory yet beginning from the morning, when katie phoned me at johns telling me that Peter had lapsed into insanity because of his mild concussion though he didnt seem at all insane when i dropped him off at the hospital just sort of unconscious.

When i decided to go back to my flat at last (because i think john can only stand so much coconut shampooed hair clogging up his shower sink) i found Peter curled up like an abandoned child at my door sleeping so soundly that for a second i stood back & admired how he was so quiet & still for once stead of being all over the place screeching as he usually is. lately Peter seems to be unconscious around me all the time which i admit is not exactly a bad thing sometimes.

But i had to wake him up sometime as i still needed to go into my flat. He awoke with an alarming start his right eye twitching madly even though ive never noticed he had a tic & before found me standing very suspiciously in front of him & shouted "BIGGLES" & gave me an immense hug around the waist as if i were some very adorable very large teddy bear.

I realised that perhaps this was what katie meant by temporary insanity & decided to invite him in before he proceeded to suffocate me to expiration but before Peter seemed strangely reluctant to come in, making some strange swooping movement with his hands & saying he felt "bad vibrations" emanating from my flat which made me wonder if dharma had got to Peter as well & made him take one of her awful holistic homeopathic homocidal home remedies.

"Its just like the old times biggles" Peter moaned happily clapping his hands across his face & this was when i seriously began to fear for my safety & his sanity when he suddenly grabbed me & shoved me against the wall & latched onto my mouth. I could feel a bit of the old rage & indignation & a lot of new confusion coming up among other things coming up on Peters side but it kind of dissolvedi nto incoherence when Peter slipped me the tongue which okay, i admit peter has always been quite a good kisser if not a bit overenthusiastic but still this was incredibly strange considering the last time we met hed punched me & kicked & rolled us onto the floor where i ,. & i suddenly got very mad at the situation & how he figured me to be some sort of slag that id let myself get shoved against walls & tongue kissed which i am empathetically not so i shoved him back against the opposite wall & was about to give him the tongue for good measure back too but his head banged against the wall & the paint from the ceiling gave way in a cloud of flakes &dust coating us all & Peter suddenly said "carl?" & then looked very confused & shocked & then confused again & his right eye had stopped twitching crazily as well, i noticed. then he suddenly walked off with dirty white paint all over his head & shoulders like divine dandruff,.

What the fuck just happened?

helter skelter

Sat, 09 Jul 2005 17:47:19 GMT

I was on katies futon for the most of yesterday moving with fast swiftness between falling asleep & throwing up & wrapping myself up like a sushi roll in the blankets trying to stop the painful light from getting into my eyes until john came to get me out into the open for some fresh air at least. The mattress was starting to smell like me which was basically like vomit & unhappiness & me telling katie too much that i should maybe have kept to myself & the bottom of a bottle, whos always a friend anyway, & katie saying she wasnt surprised, really she wasnt.

John & i went to an anonymous pub to get drinks of the nonalcoholic kind & it was half full half empty, full of not young not old men past completely caring about their white hairs & yellow teeth nursing another pint, & another & then another & then a quick detour to get some fags to smoke before the missus comes home from grocery shopping & it just hit me like a brick wall,. &i dragged johnny into the loo & i was shaking & couldnt explain it lord knows the poor boy was terrified & so was i & he wrapped his hands round my shaking hands into his & they didnt still but they felt more secure kind of like warmer, somehow i needed him so much needed touch needed contact to reassure mysefl that the world wasnt like that it wasnt just a grey grey future where your hair goes grey & you turn pale & then from being pink & blood & alive youre not, youre just grey & then white & then youre gone. &the reason why i was so scared was somehow like i couldnt see that as a bad thing, i mean i could see the going grey and white as awful but being gone not so muchm, like being rolled up in katies bedding & not having to wake up to puke again ever & not have to cope talk or work through lifes muck & the light never comes in to hurt your eyes

&as i was kissing john i kept onh making these garbled mewling noises like a kitten trying not to drown in a bucket & scrabbling my fingers on the tiles until some grafitti paint came off under my nails & suddenly there was a sharp, 'oh' & a crash of somebody pinwheeling through the air & a painful dull thud. we went to investigate the nextdoor stall & peter was there god knows why sprawled across the floor with his long legs skidding over the floor under the partition passed out like nobodys busy. there was a bit of blood from his forehead where he must have hit the cistern & my first thought was oh fuck hes been snorting in the toilet but tehre was nothing across the top of the cistern & peter never really got into snorting i think ahhh dfuck anyway we brought him to the er where they diagnosed him with mild concussion & stitched him up abit im not quite sure because i failed my gcse biology after all. hes under observation now i think i smiled a bit & made nice with the nurse to get him his own room because i didnt think hed want to deal with the press now & made her promise to take care of him & then i left with john.

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 15:47:10 GMT

jkatie can i come over towa yoru flat iveaw drunk everything in mimne

this boy

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 05:39:11 GMT

Alan's band last night was quite good although they had a most confusing name they were called "the whats" which resulted in a very repetitive exchange between me & alan over the noise of the club that went something like "they're called the whats", "they're called the what?", "no, the whats!", "what?", "no, whats!" & when johnny pulled me aside to whisper in my ear their real name i went over the punch alan for playing silly buggers with band names. I dont know why he says it hurts alans got titanium running through his veins he does.,

I was knackered (and very slightly sloshed) after the gig so i stayed over at johnnys & after a nice morning lie-in i went back to the flat to find lila calmly watching her yank cartoon (i still like the black-haired ones hair best) eating mars bars and crisps for brunch & gave her a good talkingto about proper nutrition when you were growing up unless she wanted to shortly turn out stunted like me thanks to dharmas cooking, in which she called me mummy once, uncle carl twice because she said peterd told her to call me that then carl once finally when i corrected her & said being called uncle carl made me feel like some flabby fat old homosexual giving out lollipops to the boys at the local comprehensive.

&then when i went to the kitchen to try to find that old box of muesli annalisa had given me when i was in that phase where i thought three different types of whiskey could constitute three square meals a day i tripped over peter.

at first i screamed & the czech landlady started to cursing in her mellifluously multilingual tongue about stupid boys whose fathers never taught them to shutup then lila pulled my hand sat me down in the sofa & explained to me that peter had sat around sulking for most of the evening last night until he fell asleep. At around six a funny man wanted to be let in & lila refused until he could prove to her he wasnt a murderer or a molester & only relented when he sang can you feel the love tonight? & she realized he was simba from the lion king except with funny glasses & bad teeth. she said simba then dragged peter awake saying he had to sing for live eggs went into my bathroom & slapped some of my makeup onto peter (i am most certainly having a word with mr simba after this) & took him away.

then, lila said, she watched cartoon network for a bit.

when peter came back he had a hat on & sulked some more took the remote away from her to watch a funny show with a little version of peter with a little version of his hat singing being kissed by simba from the lion king while looking very sulky and distracted. then peter sulked a bit more saying he was hungry & lila made him some muesli but he said he didnt want any & instead was going to starve to death & expire upon my floor & stink up my flat & that was what i got for leaving him & lila alone & hungry. then lila said she ate the muesli & fell asleep. also she said she liked my beret very much and thank you mummy for the nice hat.

i didnt bother to correct her because i was still anxious peter might be dead & i was about to try to perform cpr on him but got a bit mixed up because i wasnt sure if you put the spoon in the dead persons mouth only if he was epileptic or electrocuted or just plain expired & was about to just fuck it & start pumping peters chest when he very groggily opened his eyes and said "elton?"

no i said its carl & he rubbed his eyes which i remembered still makes him look like a little boy scrunching his eyes up & he said in a very fraily & faint voice "i thought i was dead" & then his eyes cleared up & he said "you left me to die of starvation" in a very pointed & accusing voice which i thought was rather unnecessary & told him so & we had a bit of a fight (dont get your knickers in a knit annalisa it wasnt half as bad as the ones we had before) where he suddenly said "& you left a child & me to spend the night with your boy is that it?" which sounded very familiar i swore lisa once said the same thing to peter & i told him so & peter got even angrier & we had a few harsh words before he stormed out. i suppose id be mad at him but im not isnt it funny i suppose after a while it all seems the same,.

after he left lila offered me a mars bars & said "dont worry mummy, he does this all the time with the other mum,my."

in the morning

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 05:09:18 GMT

Finally the night is gone & rubbished down into the bin i havent felt this worn out since i was sixteen at glasto & had to crawl out of a pit of quicksand mud by myself at two in the morning while dharma was trying to seduce mick jagger. Met with johnny for what promised itself to be a restful supper & just when we were at my flat getting to the especially restful bits without shirts on, who should burst in but Peter with a child (no not yours lisa dont get into a rage blackout),.

He looked awful as if he hadnt had enough sleep for either of us & he had eyebags the size of china (either that or hed forgotten to clean off his eyeliner again) & he shouted: "CARL!" & then "ER!" & then he covered his eyes & then covered the kids eyes & then tripped over himself running down the corridor looking disturbingly distressed & teary-eyed so of course i went after him.

It turns out that kate moss had been spying on both of us with private investigators which explains that strange man in a trenchcoat who keeps on smiling strangely at me everytime i board the tube. so in a fit of ill-advised anger Peter took off with kate moss child, who is called lila or It if kate moss is around. shes rather sweet really i made her hot chocolate & sneaked a bit of gin into it because id heard it calms children down though really i think Peter needed it more, so i made a cup for him too.

I was about to order in curry for them when there was an boisterous banging at the door & i looked through the peephole & was about to tell this skinny beggar with awful stringy hair to sod off & stop bothering me but peter peeked as well. He bolted upright & said: "its kate", grabbed lila & looked about ready to scarper off through the window which was of course ridiculous, since he didnt even have shoes on & just goes to show that peter still doesnt think things out very well. I didnt let her in even though she kept screaming the worst things at me like "you homosexual harpy" & "drunken dogeaten drag queen" & the kicker was finally when she screeched "you have horrible hair!" & i just lost it & kicked the door very hard.

The door broke in & splintered on the floor & there was a minute of very stunned silence in which i saw kate moss for the first time in ever & my first thought was i admit to be, they let people like that be models now? but admittedly she did have her child just taken from me i suppose if somebody did the same with astile id be in a right state and astiles not even my proper kid.

Then Peter turned up beside me brandishing a butter knife at kate shouting "fuck off you anorexic ape" or summat, i suppose its likely i was the one shouting that too, pete looking quite ghastly because his eyeliner had run with his tears & he'd gone quite red from too much gin & hot chocolate. in any case we made an awful din enough for my czech landlady to come out of her flat & start screaming in czech english & broken french at us so kate finally ran off.

Ouch what an exhausting night Peter & lila fell asleep on my bed & for a minute i was tempted to join in because my couch had the upholstery broken & fag ends in all the corners but it felt i dunno a bit too wrong & a bit too right & a bit too weird, overall. Now lila's managed to fix the tv reception & is watching some yankee morning cartoon with three supergirls in it i quite like the black-haired ones hair, its very nice & flippy at the ends & peters still asleep poor thing he didnt seem quite ready to fall asleep until i reassured him that id let him & lila stay here for now & swore on my grandmothers blind eye there werent any cameras in the flat.

Johnny im sorry about last night such horrendous happenings shall we meet up again soon?

here comes the sun

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 14:19:26 GMT

Ive forgotten how good it feels in that moment where you look in somebodys eyes and uncomplex uncomplicated you can say with quiet conviction yes, i want you & yes, im ready without even parting your lips at all./ Its not like mindless fucking or crude unclassy pickups its the slow segue into something else something meaningful something full of hope.

Im a happier boy for last night a much happier boy for you.

best of you

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 14:29:40 GMT

The meeting is over thank heavenly father & annalisa for getting me through it all I dont know what id do without you dear. Dharma was late unsurprisingly i had anticipated this & showed up half an hour late but Dharma went and showed up an hour & a half later so i suppose its hats off to show that lateness is hereditary. annalisa the only punctual one in the family it has to be said was fuming.

Dharma noted that my aura was looking a lot more polished and clear, i gave her my best sarcastic sneer & asked if it was better than the last time it looked opaque but ruined the effect by spilling my cup of tea over Annalisa. Dharma then replied that i was always one for dramatics but that she blamed that bit on the french blood from da's side, but said that the real dramatic was Peter. Peter who? i said & sneered again mercifully without spilling anybody else's tea.

Dharma said Peter the boy you used to hang around all the time, the one with big eyes & the slightly green-y aura dating the megamodel now? Annalisa said its supermodel, mum & Dharma went on to ramble rollickingly on about how me & peters auras used to complement so well they went into rainbows when we were around each other & it was no suprise that now both our auras are looking worse the wear without each other & me and annalisa we really shouldnt call her mum, it makes her feel elderly & we should regard all women as "mothers" as we all spring from their communal womb of knowledge tapping from the ancestral genetic hive memory.

By the end of it all i really didnt know which i was more bothered by, Peter & the auras or the idea that all women in the world got together and birthed me &annalisa through a shared pregnancy.

it's all right

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 21:55:42 GMT

Dharma phoned this morning rudely awakening my still-addled sleep, saying she wanted to meet up for a cuppa to apologise & work in some family time. I didn't trust her to choose somewhere not infested with magical crystals & smoke so I chose the location, & Annalisa is coming along to participate but generally more to act as a buffer of good common sense & to protect me from any other laughing buddha statues heading in the general direction of my face.

confronting the psychic wall of energy

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 14:23:40 GMT

Finally stumbled back into my ramshackle flat with tesco bagfuls of mouldy presents & hot pink toenails & a sore head. The events of the past one&ahalf days are somewhat lost in the fog & mists of lowgrade concussion, but i do remember quite a fair bit the least of which was wandering into walls in london & being suddenly grabbed & bundled into a rubbish bag, but not before my hair was ruthlessly tugged several times. That rather pissed me off actually & my scalp still hurts.

What actually happened (and no katie you may not call social services because i am an adult now & the police cant arrest my mother for child abuse) is that i was kidnapped by my mother. or rather i was kidnapped by Dharma. I went up North to say hello & before i could get out to avoid being suffocated to death by incense, she clubbed me over the head with her laughing Buddha statue & dragged me into the backseat of her electric car where i was transported to a hippie commune in sussex for "spiritual cleansing",.

apparently once i walked into her flat she could sense an "overpowering overwhelming aura of hopelessness & despair" around me that was also incidentally "slightly greenish-purple". the possibility that this hopelessness&despair was caused by me walking into her flat & promptly hitting my head on some giant tiki tiki tribal mask she hung from the door was not considered.

so in my "best interests" she concussed me because she knew i "wouldnt let her do it otherwise" & took me to her commune to "unblock my chakras". after that it was mostly a blur although i do recall at some point a very large bald Norweigan telling me to relax while he directed sprays of cold water at my naked body as well as an old lady in tip-to-toe tie-dye passing me 20 joints & telling me to inhale them all at the same time. when i told her it was physically impossible for me to fit 15 joints in my mouth at once, she looked very doubtful & muttered that that wasnt what Dharma had told her.

also i remember subsisting entirely on mushrooms & i dont mean those chewy japanese types.

the next thing i know im wandering around london which appeared in my hallucinations as a giant seething mollusc with tentacles raping my hair & at some point being chained to the ground & being brutally slapped around for a bit while being called a "useless prettyboy" then having my cheek roughly stroked while somebody sobbed "but so, so pretty" (although that particular hallucination seemed incredibly real). & then peter & katie in the guise of spongebob & patrick came to rescue me. i promptly passed out on katies bed & dont remember much else besides this vague feeling of nostalgia & familiarity as i did so as if i were doing something i remembered doing a long long time ago. were you doing anything then peter?

all in all i am quite angry with Dharma & the smells of incense are going to take forever to wash out of this outfit & it was one of my favourites too. i feel slightly less tense but having a pedicure always does that & my chakras have not yet unblocked themselves, let alone materialized.

birthday

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 14:28:55 GMT

About to leave the house to visit Dharma, who is my mam but who refuses to be called one. If there are going to be kryptonite birthday tea cakes though, i am leaving because the memory of getting high at an infant six years old on a harmless looking tea cake burns too bright in my already aggled noggin. I prefer my marijuana in a joint & not encased in gooey chocolate fudge thank you very much.

Your place later, katie? Not too many people (or pple as you put it) there, mind. Im not in a crowd sort of mood tonight.

i was just thinking

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 15:56:26 GMT

Ive been having the worlds worst hangover despite having the worlds highest stella tolerance which is frankly as ridiculously shite as it comes. Raw eggs i would scoff & scorn at you if i didn't feel nauseous at the terribly tender thought of my vomit in contact with the cistern again.

Its odd but im thinking about dusty dry hot Mexico again, with its smell of madmen & desperate flowers shoving against the earths skin. people dancing in clubs like angels tanning under a discoball, the listless worm in my tequila & his warm tongue on my shocked lips, the seven days spent screaming in my face in strange tongues & fucking my surprise & distress away.

I fell asleep on my feet in the ladies' with a rabble of beautiful transvestites who dragged me in to examine my hair & i woke to find myself bound to your bed in the slums with my own tie & you were smoking fags straddling me & the ash was falling onto your knees and my chest. Naked desire is always a little less complicated, but calling his name for me to you has never been harder or easier on me since.

sdffczxsf

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 14:11:35 GMT

hello tewrhe bacdaak froam pub staomach tinglying uuup && down ilek elasticc hairbahdns inmy guts whupsw fellover. katieaw madeww me twhis designt istn it absoutleyly marvyellous how she can htmp whiel smasehd utterly& compleatly? istn it so greeeeeen&nicie likke countrysisde afrms>? i ahdave farming ancenstry you know, &&7 ad deep eampthy&cdonnection to rakes & hooes &the eyelashesa on cowsw are mAGNificnet allllls preeaaaad out likke china chinese dolls those amde of procelian.. you know,. like

ohhhh fewllover again

i miss youu, carlos. youuuuu tastead likke cheawp tequila & i msis thatt.,

crazy english summer

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 16:37:03 GMT

This is all rather new & i'm not quite used to typing stead of writing. where is my biro? Funny thing about the internet is that eventually it sucks you in even though youve spent half your life ignoring machinery & being the only accountant (once a long time ago when my face was not quite so weathered & leathered) without a pde.

I am not quite used to many new things however & i shall continue soldiering on although, over my dead buggered body i am getting a pde.

Hello friends old & new,.