[	mood	|	calm	]
[	music	|	None.	]

My layouts don't work anymore on here for some reason.

--> _cloneyourlover  .. enjoy.

[	mood	|	creative	]
[	music	|	<3 The Smiths - Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want	]

Hmn, I haven't updated in about a week, so let me give you the down-low..

Today (or yesterday? uh, well, the 17th): Stayed home, because I genrally felt like crap, and my throat hurt. And I was crying this morning because I felt so sick, and my mom thought I was mentally insane and I am now going to get psychological help. I swear, everything I do, she takes so defensivley. We are usually so close, but latley she's turning into someone I don't know anymore. She always wants to talk and make things better, so I start talking, and the next thing I know she's screaming at me. e_e Oh, and it's Steve and Jessica's, & Matt and Stephanie's one month anniverseries. : ) Kudos to them.

Yesterday (the 16th): Quite a confusing day. School was okay, I guess. Found out that my average in Italian is a 99.3, thank goodness. Everything seems crappy though. After school, went to the library with Kelly. My new library buddy Lauren is going to foster care. ;_; We were just becoming good friends too.. I am going to miss her. ;\ I also was thinking so much about Michelle on the ride home from the library. It's like.. I left her out in the cold. I haven't stopped by her house in forever. Those people need a fucking phone. I miss her so much. Oh, and when me and my mom just pulled into the driveway, guess what happened? My mom's cell phone rang, and she picked it up, and it was my dad.. Molly ran away. Than I just broke down in tears. I love my dog to death. I really do. Go ahead, make fun. My dog is like my sister, she really is. So we drove around everywhere, I called her name until I couldn't talk anymore. So after an hour me and my mom went back to the house and my brother and dad went to look around. Me and my mom were writing Lost Dog Ads, when my dad called and said that they found her. She was on the lot of house number 87. We are house number 2. She was trying to get into some old lady's house who was making chicken, hahah. I am so relived to have her back, I really am.

Today (18th): Kelly is coming over around 1 PM. I am so happy about that. I miss him all the time. He has such soft hair. He has such a strong but gentle embrace, and such a heartwarming smile. He has such beautiful chocolate brown eyes, and his giant hands seem to fit perfectly in my tiny ones. I hope he likes his Christmas present. He bought *one* of mine today, and I am nervous. I have a genral idea of what it might be, and I sure hope he didn't spend too much on me. I wish I knew where the ring is that he gave me. My finger feels so empty. =\ I think I am going to change my LJ layout again. The purple's getting a little old. Oh, and guess what? I am now a member on Runescape! That's right bitches, Roberta's a member now! I am so happy. I <3 Runescape. But not as much as I <3 my Tashy (Kelly) of course. : )

[	mood	|	annoyed	]
[	music	|	<3 The Streets - Don't Mug Yourself <3	]

Today I actually tried going to school with the crutches, but I left third peroid. It's so hard to use them. =\ I was breaking out in a sweat, and now my arms and good leg are killing me. My dad still thinks I am over reacting and I just made up my hurt leg, even after the doctor said I might need surgery. He thinks I planned this out or something. How ignorant can someone get? You can't talk to the guy.. AT ALL.

Today I got this thing in the mail saying that shit about the honors awards ceremony crap. I don't want to go. I know when I did good, I know when I did bad, I don't need to be honoured. I know I can do better anyway. Let them honour me next quarter when my average is higher. The school is retarted. Why must I go up in front of everyone for a certificate? Of course certificates are nice, but I kind of have social anxiety inside. I am so bi-polar. One day I am a social butterfly, and the next when I am around people I feel like throwing up my heart.

I hope I can see Kelly tomorrow. It would make my weekend so much better. We can cuddle and snuggle and I can kick his ass in THPS.. ;D But than again, I should let him hang out with his funner, non-injured friends. Hahah. I am making a MySpace, finally. I will post the link when I am all done. Right now I am just trying to figure out how to change the color of the layout.. hmmmn.

My ankle's been screwed up for three days, and my best friend doesn't even know yet. God damn. I feel like such a great friend.

Later..

[	mood	|	sore	]
[	music	|	<3 Dead Can Dance - Song of the Dispossesed <3	]

Hey everyone, how's it going? Well, I have a story for you all so pull up a bean bag chair and listen.. -opens up storybook-

Well, on Monday is when it started. Chorus rehersal for the concert just ended. Instead of using the stairs and being impatient, I jumped off the stage and landed on my left foot the wrong way, kind of on my heel. It hurt for a few minutes, but than it just kind of went away and I went to 9th Peroid Science. I didn't feel anything else until 8th peroid yesterday in Gym. I started playing volleyball and jumped up to hit it, but when I landed, the same area started to hurt much. Once again I ignored it. When I got home off of the bus, it started hurting even more and more. All that night it hurt. When I woke up and got out of my bed, I could hardly walk. Today my mom brought me to the doctor's and it turns out that I pulled my achillies tendon, that ridgy thing on the back of your foot. All the fibers got pulled out of it, and my leg was all hard. So now, I might need surgery. I am getting an MRI soon to see how bad it was. I need to use crutches for a whole fucking week. UGH! I am a cripple! ; ( Oh, and that's not all. The back of my neck behind my ears was all hard like rocks and was sore. Do you remeber how I kept on having to go to the doctor's because my left side under my ribcage was all poufy and hurt when I touched it? That is where my spleen is. The doctor says I might have mono. No kissing Kelly! ;_; God damnit! The same thing happened to Joannah! Next thing I will be slammed into a desk and have to go to the hospital, gosh! I mean I guess there are a few advantages.. leaving class early, no gym.. but I can't do anything all week or more. ugh. I can hardly walk, it fucking sucks. I like using bold lettering, hah. But I am so pissed. It hurts a lot. Poor RobbyBertaBoo.. (thanks Melissa, hah). Well, I will update again soon, complaining about how much I hurt.

[	mood	|	mellow	]
[	music	|	<3 Bauhaus - She's In Parties <3	]

Wow, it feels like just yesterday it was Christmas! I can't believe the year went by so fast. I love the holiday season! It's nice and cold [ i love the cold weather ], people are hanging up pretty lights, I can't wait for Christmas! I feel like such a little kid for saying that, but Christmas is wonderful. I hope this year near Christmas I can go into the city. The city is so beautiful during the holiday season, it really is. I went when I was ten, and it was the best. It's not just about presents [ although I've been waiting for that camera for sometime now! ], it's just about the Christmas feeling, ya know? I love the feeling of giving presents, and seeing the people's reactions when I give it to them. I am quite the gift giver, if you haven't heard already. ;D Woosh! So exciting! Today was okay. My Tech teacher is so fucking boring. Whenever he talks, I feel like I am going to pass out from exhaustion. He's very italian, so he moves his hands a lot when talking, it's quite hilarious. And you can see your reflection in his head, I swear. I bought little chocolate bars from Miss Rehbit during Team, I was so in the mood for it. It was orgasmic. I am a little sad though, I haven't seen my Library buddies in like, forever! I miss Clint, Jesse, Phil and everyone else so much. ;_; Hopefully I can go tomorrow. I am losing touch with a lot of my friends, it hurts so much. At least I can see my friends from Paca like Joannah, Erin and Michelle next year though. That will be grrrrrreat. : ) I love Kelly so much. He's so sweet. -talks about how much she likes Kelly for three and a half hours- I am gonna go now, not much else to talk about so.. later.

P.S. I hate this girl on the bus. I was talking with Junior on the bus, and she was making a CROSS to him, as if I were Satanic or something. I don't understand, is it how I dressed? Than again, what is wrong with a blue tee, a suit jacket and bluejeans? People suck.

[	mood	|	thoughtful	]
[	music	|	<3 Coldplay - In My Place <3	]

Well, Roberta's sick, once again! I might be coming down with amonia [ however you spell it ], again. Gee, this is great! Last time I had it I missed a month and a half of school and almost had to go to the hospital! Joy. I am feeling quite pessimistic lately. I feel kind of ignored, pushed away, that kind of thing. But in reality, I am not! I am madly in love and have some great friends. So what's the problem? Maybe I am just depressed. Maybe I just look on the negative side of everything. Kind of sucks. I am so hungry. Argh. And I miss Kelly. I am so pathedic, I saw him last night! But it feels like weeks. The only reason I really like school is because I get to see some of my good friends and Kelly. He's my world, I love him to death. I am so bi-polar. One minute I am talking about how depressed I am, and than the next I talk about how much I am in love. Hah. I just feel like I have an empty space in my heart that despreatly needs to be filled. I wish I knew what it was! I need a hobby. Hopefully when I get my  digital camera , I won't be so bored. I need it so badly! Christmas is less than a month away, how exciting. I sure hope my friends and Kelly like their presents! Well, I am gonna go see if there is anything good to eat. Later.

[	mood	|	sick	]
[	music	|	<3 Bon Jovi - Someday I'll Be Saturday Night <3	]

Today was intresting. I got up at 4:30 AM and went to Cody's. We decided to take a drive(just got a car), so he pulled out of the driveway and we drove about 10 feet and he almost crashed into a tree, hahah. Funny shit. Than we ate whipped cream sandwiches (the only thing in the house). After than we played Xbox, and I kicked his ass in THPS, as always, hahah. We also played DDR. Watching Cody dance is hilarious. It really is! He looks like he's on speed and giving birth, as Melissa explained it. When I got home around 12:30 I went on the PC and played Runescape. What an addicting game! And later I went to Friendly's with Kelly, his mom and his brother. His brother went to go get a crayon from under the table and he put his hand up my skirt. xD Oh man. It was hilarious. I want to become vegeterian again.. maybe this time I will do it right. ;\ I really feel bad for the animals. The way Maryanna spoke about the poor cows getting killed during lunch made my heart sink. Today I went onto Peta and watched a video of animals getting killed .. ugh it was terrible. And I never knew how abortion really worked, so I went on a site and -- I am very disturbed. It was pictures of fetuses. : (  UGH. ABORTION SHOULD NOT BE USED AS A BIRTH CONTROL METHOD, STUPID FUCKS! It should only be used if the girl is raped. Otherwise, fuck you, stupid slut. You should of worn a fucking condom..

I feel sick, as usual. My throat is sore. : (  I am always sick. God damnit. I think I am gonna go to sleep, I am pooped. Later.

[	mood	|	lonely	]
[	music	|	<3 the Goo Goo Dolls - Black Balloon <3	]

Happy Thanksgiving, all. I just ate so much that I feel like I am about to explode. I feel so sick, ugh.

I should be happy. I mean, I am with my family, I have the best boyfriend in the world, average in school, plenty of friends, but..

I just feel kind of lost inside. I don't know why. I feel like just giving up on everything, because no matter what I try to do, I suck. I suck at everything, and I can't excel in anything.

I feel like I am nobody for anybody.. nothing for anything. I want to be accepted so badly.

I wish I was about 20 pounds lighter. I wish that I had soft, pretty hair. I wish I could show my emotions more. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was a good singer. I wish I could play bass guitar good. I wish I could dress good, and get remarks like "wow, that looks so nice". I wish I could take beautiful pictures. I wish I was stronger. I wish so many things..

And believe me, I tried to do good. But I feel like giving up on everything sometimes. The only place I feel secure is in Kelly's arms. I know that's the closest to heaven I'll ever be. I keep on making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I just don't know where to go, how to start off a new life for me. I would love to change and make everything great. I'm just a square, I guess. Your plain old average, thirteen year old girl with no talents. I want the Roberta inside to show. I know that inside I am so creative and full of ideas, I just don't know where to start. But the two things I would never change are my best friends and my boyfriend. If I never had those two things, I wouldn't even be here right now.

I'd be six feet under.

If I could go back into the past, I would change so many things..

I'd make sure to have a great relationship with my father. That's too late now though. I would treat my friends better instead of shit. I would tell Kelly everyday that I loved him instead of putting him down. I would of been there for Cody when he needed me. It's too late for him now though .. I wish I could help. He's slowly fading away from the world. Even though we fought a lot, I still love him as a best friend and always will. I just wish he could of had a normal life. Him and Ryan should just run away together and never look back. And Melissa, I wish I could be with her every moment, I admire her. She's such a strong, amazing girl. And I wish I kept more in touch with Michelle, because she was one of the greatest friends I ever had. She was so understanding and knew how to cheer me up. I hope I don't part from Sarah, because she would be so hard to replace. So hard..

I wish I could change. I don't wanna be me. </3

[	mood	|	relieved	]
[	music	|	<3 the Goo Goo Dolls - Naked <3	]

Today me and Kelly were apart for a few hours. I'd rather not get into the details, but I thought he was lying about something, and it turns out he wasn't.. or so I think. Anyway, it brought us closer and I love him so much. I feel like I can totally trust him now, which is a great feeling.

Anyway, today I picked up my two film CDs, and one CD was kind of messed up (but the negatives were fine) so we are getting them re-done and most likely getting those pictures back tomarrow. Here are a few from the Ellis Island Trip. : )

( The Camera Loves Ya, Baby! )

[	mood	|	heartbroken	]
[	music	|	<3 the Goo Goo Dolls - Here Is Gone <3	]

I just came back from Chan's party. I am going to miss that kid. It was fun, it was me, Kelly, Joannah, Steph, Jessica, Chan, Mike, Matt, Steve, Matt, his brother and some other girls I did not know. Everything was great until Jessica, Joannah and Steph left. Something happened between me and Kelly.

Sometimes I get nervous because, well, Matt and his brother do some bad things, and Kelly hangs around them and .. I am sacred he will give into peer pressure.

I care about him too much. He was being kind of snotty about me caring for him, so I called him an ass. Jesus fucking Christ, I love him and I don't want him to get hurt! We promised each other that we wouldn't do any drugs or drink. I stopped because I want to change, I want to turn my life around. We had a big fight, and right in the middle of it my mom was there to come pick me up.

I got up, and I just left.

I ran through the front door in the downpour, down the wet steps covoured by rain drenched leaves, and right to my mom's car.

I didn't say goodbye.

I didn't look back.

No hug.

No kiss.

No wave.

One part of me is mad at myself..

But the other half is patting me on the back, telling me I did the right thing.

[	mood	|	cheerful	]
[	music	|	<3 the Goo Goo Dolls - Name <3	]

Hey there again, everyone. I am deciding to not neglect my journal today. -applause-

Ellis Island was awesome yesterday. I took plenty of pictures and I am getting them tomarrow from one hour photo, so I shall post them! Oh how I can't wait to get my digital camera.

Yesterday I put a blank CD in my CD player and it was the Goo Goo Dolls.

I love them now.

All of their songs are great, espically "Name", "Iris", "Naked", "Acoustic #3", "Here Is Gone", "Black Balloon", and "Sympathy." I have always liked them, but I smell an obsession coming on. Hah, wow, I like so many different kinds of music.. Cradle of Filth, the Goo Goo Dolls, the Business, Elvis Presley, Depeche Mode.. wow.

Micheal is going to China for SIX WEEKS! I am so sad. I will be like, Chan-less for a month and a half. Ugh. Well, just wait until he sees what we have in store for him tonight. : )

I feel like I am about to turn my life around. I have had a lot of confidence lately.

I can't wait to change everything. I can't wait to start all over, with the exception of my friends and Kelly. I would never give them up. <3

------------------------

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cuz all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Got lost or thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans
And never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

We grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name
I won't tell em' your name
Oooh, oooh, oooh
I won't tell em' your name..

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are
Come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name

[	mood	|	schmokin'.	]
[	music	|	<3 The Goo Goo Dolls - Iris <3 makes me think of Kellyy. : )	]

First quarter of school is almost over, thank goodness. I might not get a great grade this quarter, but hey, I get to start off fresh soon. : ) Nothing much going on over here. Yesterday I got a down feather bed comforter and it's so comfy, I heart it. I am supposed to go the movies tonight with Kelly, Stephanie, Matt, Jessica, Steve and Joannah, so that should be fun. I haven't seen Joannah in about a bazillion years, so that should be cool.

I have this bump on my lip. I think it might be a -pause for dramatic effect- COLDSORE. God dammit. Now I wonder who I might of got that from.. hmmn..

I am bored, so I am going to do a boring survey. This one isn't insanley long

( ///Survey///  )

[	mood	|	drunk on apple juice	]
[	music	|	<3 My Brother - Talking <3	]

woo-hoo! wayne's world! wayne's world! party time, excellent!

Sarah shall now tag my LJ entry..

Yo yo yo this is my segment of this entry yo! Do Dlo Do! Do Dlo!

Hmm..

[	mood	|	pretty fucking confused	]
[	music	|	<3 CKY - Halfway House <3	]

I really do feel guilty when I don't update my journal. Isn't that sick? Anyhow, nothing quite intresting happened this week. I went to the library, ate 2 whole boxes of chocolate in five minutes, went to see Saw [hah, seesaw] with Kelly yesterday, Bush won the election [insert hardcore anti-bush comment here] and erm, went to school. The schoolday sucked yesterday, because in the beginning of Math [how ironic], I started feeling nauseus and having terrible cramps. I felt like a little elf or something was in my body, squeezing my intestines. Not good! So I went to the nurse, and I could hardly stand anymore, so I went to sleep on one of the beds. I woke up around the beginning of 9th, when I heard someone spelling Kelly's last name. And Kelly was there! A teacher made him go there because Jeanette kicked him in the nuts. Aww. I felt a lot better, so I went to Science and finished up the flame test lab..

Halloween was also nice. I hung out with my lovely baby Kelly. : )

I am supposed to be hanging out with Sarah today. I am happy about that. But..

I have a problem again. A biiiiiig problem. A problem that I can only tell people I can trust.

Can I trust you?

I am not quite sure.

But the 'problem' makes me feel terrible. I wish I could change it, I really could. But I can't. And I don't know why this problem is happening. I wish I could change how I felt. I wish I could..

I am the worst girlfriend ever.

Ever. </3

[	mood	|	loved	]
[	music	|	<3 Oxymoron - Get a Gun <3	]

The great love that I had for you

is gone, and I find that my dislike for you

grows everyday. when I see you,

I do not even want to look at your face,

the one thing that i want to do is to

look at other guys. I never wanted to

marry you. Our last conversation

was very boring and has not

made me look forward to seeing you again.

You think only of yourself and no one else.

If we were married, I know that I would find

life very difficlut, and I would have no

pleasure in living with you. I have a heart

to give, but it is not something

that I want to give you. No one is more

foolish and selfish then you are, and you are not

able to care for me and help me.

I sincerely want you to understand that

I speak the truth. You will do me a favor

if you end our relationship. Do not try

to answer this. Your letters are full of

things that do not interest me. You have no

true love for me. Believe me,

I do not care for you. Please do not think that

I am still your girlfriend.

Read 'inbetween' the lines <33 i.e. every other line

[	mood	|	disappointed	]
[	music	|	<3 Mayhem - Deathcrush <3	]

Today was boring. Still sick, so I stayed home. I should be able to go to school tomarrow, though.

I hope Kelly calls me, it would make me feel so much better. <3

But you know, he has things to do, people to see, places to go, and he can't always worry about me.

So, I spent my day making works of art. I uploaded a few, wish to see?

( Don't be jealous. )

[	mood	|	sore	]
[	music	|	<3 Against Me - Shit Stroll <3	]

I didn't go to school today, but instead me and my mother went to the doctor's. It turns out that I have a sinus infection, and she had bronchitus. Great, eh? Hopefully I'll be feeling well for Halloween.

It feels like I haven't been to the library forever. And I was just there on Monday. ;\ I miss my friends so much. I really do. I wish I could be either closer with some of them or make some new ones. I wish I had a best friend that I could hang out with everyday, and we'd do everything together. ah, that'd be grand. Of course Sarah and Lauren are very close to me, I just want to see them both more. Sadly, Lauren's kind of fading away. She has other friends, never comes by, and ever calls. It's very depressing. But nobody likes a moody bitch, so I will just shut up.

Anyway, how's life for you all? My throat's all scratchy. Ow-ness. : (  I think I shall make some green tea.

Did you know there's a lunar eclipse tonight? 9:14, I hear.

Can't wait. :D