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November 18th, 2006


02:21 am
Why the fuck am I updating this? I don't have a clue, besides that I want to clear somethings up, if only for the future me who will be sure to scan my past, pathetically pessimistic entries in a year or so.

My life has changed drastically. To give you a head's up, I am slightly drunk and my fingers are sliding every which way around the keyboard.

I work at a movie theatre. I like it. Boys like me there. It's a fantastic feeling. In fact, the entire idea of boys liking me is still a mind-boggler ever since I was that shy, slightly chubby freshman. I have to divulge that I look a tad different these days. I've grown up and I am no longer shy.

I still hate school, but for different reasons, I guess. I rarely go, in fact. Most of the time I sleep in or leave early. My grades have slacked a bit, but I don't care because I am going to IU and they will accept anyone who can attempt to pay for college. If I really want to know, for future reference, what my daily classes are like, they go as follows:
English: I dislike female teachers. I don't have anything against this one in particular, but just the gender issue? I don't know.
Math: My teacher looks like a penis. It's rather funny. Her hair and everything.
US History: My teacher is a sexist, racist bastard. He fancies the cheerleaders and has this overwhelming sense of authority.
LUNCH: I LOVE MY FUCKING LUNCH TABLE!
(pause for brief sip of jagermeister)
ehhh...
Film Lit: very nice. i'm reading high fidelity. it's insightful, yet somewhat depressing.
newspaper: i'm usually not present in this class. if i am, i take pictures. and then i leave.

weird cult favorites: i love watching leonardo dicaprio movies in psych. i love psychology. i love english with rakic. only rakic. hmmm? he reminds me of the protagonist in munich. i want to be a model. i sneak onto model's webpages a lot and am completey fascinated. shallow, unrealistic, i don't give a fuck. i love da al-g show. borat is seriously incredible. i've seen the roots, ben folds, wilco, and death cab in concert updated as of tuesday. boys fascinate me. and i fascinate boys. it's a two-way street. and i know what to do. i love work. seriously. these people are really awesome. i drink a lot. and smoke. there's no reason not to, as long as i am still smart. i love 80's music. preferably, new order, echo & the bunnymen, dexy's, and depeche mode. depeche mode's "enjoy the silence" speaks to me on their lyrical level. fuck, that shot did me in. i drive a fucked car. it breaks down every other week and my dad disconnected to radio/CD. i want a puppy for christmas and i want to date two boys right now but i don't know which one, but that doesn't really matter because it's out of my control. i feel out of sorts, take that as whatever. i'm tired, but i'm also floaty and i don't want to waste in on sleep. i don't sleep. i drink too much coffee and think about my perfect life too much to actual shape it to that point. Panera's french onion soup is mother-fucking incredible. I hate sorority girls who wear shorts in November with UGG boots and big sunglasses indoors. They're stupid and more importantly ugly and i hate them because i feel inferior to them. i want to go to chicago with a boy who loves me (NEW!) and see the strokes and go to new year's eve parties with a sexy, black shirt that plunges in a square on the back.

i feel like if i say anything else i would be merely retarded. goooodnight! gooooodnight!
Current Music: depeche modeeeeeeeeeeee

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July 10th, 2006


12:43 pm - Another headaches, another heartbreaks
Some thoughts on a Monday morning.

I like sticking my head into the ice machine at work because the smell reminds me of the materials used at Disney World, perhaps on a log type ride. Also, I imagine that smell would relate to Alaska, like icebergs, because it doesn't hurt your nose. That kind of smell is what you get in Indiana.

I want to collect more DVD's. I have The Audrey Hepburn DVD Collection, Donnie Darko, and Sin City. I want To Kill A Mockingbird, Say Anything, and V For Vendetta.

My dreams keep getting stranger and stranger these days.

I like alcohol, preferably beer.

My new favorite song is All These Things That I've Done by The Killers.

My dream world has gotten a little far-fetched lately. In such world I would currently be in Disney World with a certain number of friends and family in our private hotel or apartment at The Polynesian. I would also be a known model, run track and cross country, be a generous person and volunteer, be fun loving, and most importantly my boyfriend would still look at me the way he used to-- that crazy, almost fiery look he used to have whenever I smiled. And unfortunately, I am or have none of those.

I am having this fight with my brain by deciding whether I like working at the movie theatre more than at the snack bar. I am leaning towards the snack bar for various reasons. First, it pays more and the hours don't suck. Secondly, I could read and listen to music and talk on my cell phone. Third, my boss didn't really boss me (and unfortunately, I didn't understand this until my second job). The movie theatre is really strict. Our uniform has to be perfection and if your shirt isn't tucking in then you are either written up or fired on the spot. This situation depends on whether the district manager likes you and the chances he does are slim. Plus the work is really shitty. Popping popcorn and shoveling it to and fro is not exactly fun. I don't have to take out the trash or deal with racoons, but I feel really greasy at the end of the day. I am also technically required to upsell, but I think I would feel like a crook if I ever even tried. If I were a customer I would not want someone to say "Would you like to upgrade that to a Mega Combo for $2 bucks more?" I like the people that work there a lot more though. That is probably the only reason I am still working. I met up with a couple last night at Pirates. Everyone is so close to each other. With them I feel normal, not like I have to pretend to be a prissy bitch like at the pool. And that's about it.

I want to call Kristie and go to Chicago. If I don't leave the town I am going to go insane. Have I not already?

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March 15th, 2006


05:15 pm - Update!
Wow, it's be almost a year since I've been on this site.

Everything has changed and I mean that in the best way possible.

I have had a boyfriend (yes!--me, the ultimate pessimist has a boyfriend) since June of last year. He is amazing and he makes me feel like the only girl in the world.

I am not longer anorexic (which I was--for those few who didn't know). It was very hard then, I was really deep into it, and Chelsee was close to telling my parents. Then, I just stopped. I became more attached to D and that time just kind of closed out. I wouldn't part with my diet pills until December, though. I confessed to D about my eating disorder last summer and he helped me take them to a dumpster. I know that's lame, but it kind of bolted the door on that miserable time of my life.

What else...

I smoke a lot of pot. A lot. Everyone does here. But I don't really drink that much, I don't really know why.

I don't watch Dawson's Creek. A year ago, I would have been completely shocked, but it really doesn't bother me.

I can drive.

I have gotten really into Photography. I am a serious dark room junkie.

I still hate math and science.

I am still a perfectionist.

Most of all, though, I have lived. I don't think I could honestly have said that a year ago.

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June 11th, 2005


09:44 pm

(I tried to post this on taketosea, but photobucket is crazed these days.  Regardless...)




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May 4th, 2005


04:26 pm
New username: vanishupshore. Please add me.

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May 2nd, 2005


09:43 am
To say the least (and I mean very least) my house has been buzzing with comments pertaining to the entire Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise thing. Now, of course, you must remember that when Katie and Chris broke up I was oh-so-excited that maybe, just maybe Katie would realize that her and Pacey are really very cute. I guess not. That’s fine. Really. They had their thing. It’s over. But Tom Cruise? Really Katie? Oh, well. Who am I to talk?

Meanwhile, we had a bit of a disaster at my house. While watching Desperate Housewives, I kind of sort of may have accidentally attempted (attempted being the operative word) to make green tea in the microwave by first heating up water in a metal cup. In my defense however, I am retarded, I understand this, but there were no other cups clean except plastic. And no one ever told me about the relationship between metal and the microwave. After doing this, our house stunk of this awful and indescribable smell for the rest of the night. And our microwave blew up.

My mom hardly let me make coffee this morning, something I cannot possibly make it through the day without.

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May 1st, 2005


05:28 pm
Today is the first day of May. Weird.

This morning I went out to the BCC with Chels to talk about the summer with Ann. Joy. Being out there for just 30 minutes makes me look even more less forward to the summer, which is really depressing. I am started to wish I had weighed my options more heavily. Moreso, Ann asked what I was paid last year. She did so on the spot, just staring idly at me while I tinkered with possible numbers, none of which seemed accurate. I finally told her six or seven, maybe, to which she said, "I think it was six." Oh well, look on the bright side, there is coffee. A lot of freaking coffee.

So, not to be indulgent on my behalf, but my life is perfection. That is, it should be. My room is a freaking palace, organized and efficient. I even washed my frothy white curtains today. Moreso, my computer is absolutely amazing. iTunes is finally up and running and my computer has definately stopped freezing up every two seconds. Though the best part is my array of Microsoft choices. I have never seen such an awesome version of Powerpoint. And I have Publisher, probably the coolest application ever. Score! I am such a formatting freak these days.

Ohhhh and we are getting Insight Broadband Wednesday, which means my sister and I won't fight over the interent anymore (AMAZING!) and my dad won't be screaming at us to use the phone.

And I watched four episodes of Sex and the City today. And I vacuumed. I love vacuuming. Things are certainly looking up!

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April 29th, 2005


06:03 pm
So, I am updating on my sisters computer. When I came down here to do so a few minutes ago, a yellow post-it caught my attention. It was stuck onto her computer screen and read "CHANGE IS THE NEW SAME." Now, I have literally not talked to my sister in four days. Such a thing has not happened in at least eight months. Today, however, I was watching The Gilmore Girls when she came up stairs, all boggly-eyed and crawled onto the couch with me wailing that she did not want college to end and that everyone is leaving. I told her that it was the perfect time to meet new people, just what she always wanted. She stalked gloomily away, probably remembering the fute we have been in since last week. Now, sure, my sister is witty, funny at times, and way too sarcastic, but then again I am biased. She is also a sponge, in that she is completely self-absorbed. She is also a bitch. But, she is my sister. And she has set some fantastic examples for me to follow (some, not so much). Today was her last day of college, next week is finals, and the week after she heads off to work at Progressive.

Moving on. So, I seem to have this fetish with The WB theme songs. I think that it should be some weird logo that they have god-awful theme songs. I mean, Dawson's Creek? (though that song has truly grown on me), The Gilmore Girls?, and please, don't even get me fucking started on 7th Heaven. I hate everything about that show. Now, of course, I do like the Smallville tune as well as One Tree Hill (though a bit sick of all the hype surrounding Gavin Degraw). It's just weird that I am either growning at a theme song or bopping around, taking in every last second. I guess there is not in between.

Also, I had this horrific thing happen to me involving the girls' bathroom (no, no, not what you think), but I did recall seeing a poem (I guess) that said "Razors lead to Roses". Now, such a thing is quite gruesome. However, would you rather be thinking about someone cutting themselves in the bathroom stall you are in or this: my sister was in the bathrooom at IU, walked in, looked at the grafiti and read, "I HAD SEX HERE." Now, I think I'd rather go with the cutting. Perhaps, neither.

Further, I am changing my screename. My perfectionist nature has called out that it is, indeed, time. I am thinking of screenames now. So far on the list is oceanbreathessalty and theworldatlarge. Suggestion would be helpful. I like little saying with no numbers or ideally no spaces (didn't quite luck out of the askmetostay_ thing). And anyway, I mean, CHANGE IS THE NEW SAME.

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April 27th, 2005


11:19 am
Has anyone ever met someone who is 5'11? I find that people who are just an inch off of six foot tend to round up, perhaps even ultimately forgetting their true height.

Besides mindless, yet amusing food for thought, I picked up my computer from PC Max yesterday night. Okay. Everything is so, so wrong. First and foremost, they deleted my iTunes library. Even after perfusily pleading that they place it into a back-up folder (which they did, with an empty iTunes library folder. Nice job.). Also, my computer freezes up A LOT, I still do not have the internet, they said they downloaded IU Ware as well as Norton, but really, they did not. At all. So, back goes my computer as well as a nice discussion with the employees at PC Max.

FIVE MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOL KIDS!! PLUS A FOUR DAY WEEKEND IN MAY AS WELL AS WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY OFF NEXT WEEK (Wednesday is teacher conferences and I have an appointment at Riley on Thursday morning in Indianapolis)

SO REALLY, JUST FOUR AND A HALF WEEKS OF SCHOOL LEFT. THAT IS 22/23 MORE DAYS OF SCHOOL. THAT IS SO FREAKING TOO MUCH.

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April 26th, 2005


09:45 am
Today I am going to tell the world about why I hate (hate being the operative word, and let me tell you, I mean it.) the librarian at school.

I will start out with a scenario that just literally happened five minutes ago. And I am full-fledging it, quotations and all.

“Do you still carry your backpack around due to your physical problem?”

I look at her questioning with a hint of hatred, though I have no idea what she is saying since I was listening to my iPod at the time.

“Would you be polite and take those off?”

I take them off.

“Do you still carry that because of your injury?”

“Yes.”

“Well… okay.”

By the way, it is ALL about the tone of her, without such, it might be hard to imagine her in such vividness that I can. Now, I should have answered no, that I don’t have a physical problem and that I am enrolled in Study Hall rather than gym because of no absolute reason. Oh and that is why I am practically addicted to pain medication. Yet, though I have told her, even with a pass from my GC, she still doesn’t believe me. Hell, she won’t even let anyone go to the bathroom. Witch.

Besides that, she is ALWAYS nonchalantly browsing what we are typing on our computer, claiming that she is checking for unrelated school topics, which is understandable. However, the fact that she stands behind people like a hulk is quite bothersome, especially when actually working on a very important paper for a very important class.

Overall, though, she is just a completely rude person. And the fact that she asked me to be polite to her (must be some weird adult thing where they crave respect, even though their attitude does not deserve anything, especially respect.) is lucrative. Really.

I am never, without thought, giving back any of the books I have checked out. See, I plan to welcome a new librarian to BHSS, one who is nice and boppy and eternally friendly. God willing.

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