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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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Thomas Newman - Road to Chicago |
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Tomorrow, hopefully, I'm signing a contract and getting the keys to a 350sqm place on one of the most central and trafficked streets in Stockholm. I'm scared shitless that it'll magically fall through last minute and I'll be left out on the streets with hundreds of student, since I've already canceled the contract to the studio where I've been for the last year and a half.
I've been looking for a new place for more than 10 months. No dice.
Last minute, this fell into my lap, and it's quite perfect. I don't dare to believe it. When things seem too good to be true, they most often are.
I'm also nervous about making the heavy rent. Especially during summer when I'll have no business. Instead, I'll be getting the place renovated and ready for the fall semester. Currently, it's just a huge basement. There's not even a proper floor.
Lots of construction work needs to be done. I'm also nervous about all THOSE bills and expenses. And about getting any constructions workers at all, since most are free during summer. And those that aren't, are booked solid.
I'm nervous about it not turning out as I like. I'm nervous about having twisted the memory of the place into something much better than reality. It's been a few weeks since I saw it, last time.
I'm nervous about what the original landlord will think and say, since I'm renting second hand from an IT-firm. There's no way that contract could instantly be transferred to me. I need to be there for a while, carry myself well and make them like and trust me first.
I'm too young, no one takes me seriously. I make good business NOW, but when they do a background check on me, the most relevant thing they can get is what I made in 2006. When I was 19! Come on! What the fuck does that have to do with the current situation or what does my personal income as a teenager even have to do with my venture?!
It's absurd. I've been kicked around and screwed over so many times, by all kinds of people. I literally feel sick to my stomach.
This while I instruct almost 20hours a week. I train a lot on top of that. Fight fire with fire, you know? If I condition my body hard enough, hopefully it won't break.
I'm training new co-instructors from two of my most advanced students, in August. That, and I'm looking into getting more different people working, teaching other useful classes at the new place.
I'm also looking into registering this thing from a small business to a stock bearing one before the turn of the year. It's insanely expensive but legally beneficial. Hopefully, it'll also be useful as far as being taken seriously by middle aged people goes. Because they cut me no freakin' slack at this point.
Grown fucking people... they can be such lying cowards. It amazes me. I wasn't ready for that. You try to be so cooperative, nice and honest, and someone just treats you like shit because you were born in the 80ies and have tits.
I truly believe that I've been this successful because I'm genuine, because I've been my true self with people. It creates some amazing bonds. But when you're that open and someone stabs you - you take it equally personally. At least I do. I'm sensitive that way. Lame :/
Tears and frustration.
Every day, I doubt. That I'm good, that it'll work out. It just seems too unrealistic.
Within a couple of days, the semester will be over and I'll leave this insane asylum to travel. Vacation for about a month and a half. Lots of different places. I'm so nervous about leaving everything. But if I don't, I'll probably break down and die from exhaustion.
I'm nervous about not being able to relax while away. And thus wasting all that time and money I'll be investing in my well being.
I'm nervous about the artistic performance me and three other people have started working on. Do I cut it? What about my stage fright? What if it turns to shit?
I'm nervous about the market not being ready for the business expansions I plan to make.
I'm nervous about doing something wrong with the bookkeeping since I do it myself and getting in trouble with the tax man.
I feel rushed as far as getting my MC license goes. I need to get it done this season but I don't think there will be time.
I'm nervous about managing studies and business next semester since it's been quite difficult, previously.
I'm afraid people won't like my new place. I'm nervous that I'll end up in debt and on the street as a bankrupt hobo or something.
If could animate all my fears and worries they would probably fill up an entire room with black shiny pulsating slime.
I have an amazing life and I love it. But it scares me shitless every single day. And sometimes I just want someone to hold me and cry my eyes out.
What if..? What if? What if.
I hate to feel weak.
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