August 10th, 2004
My own (step-)father didn't remember my birthday, but my e-friends did!
The last couple of months have sucked. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say it is true. Still, I'm doing better than I thought I would be, even with the occasional Very Bad Day.
I didn't plan anything for my b-day except a shopping trip with my sister, and I didn't even buy anything. Still, I had a good day, and the start of it all was the florist-guy at the door with flowers from people who've only met me once. I can't believe you guys. Every one of you are amazing and I can't believe my luck. The smut chatters are the only ones who sent me flowers, that's how cool you are.
Thursday, when I don't have a dawn-to-bed plan, I'll e-mail each of you privately for huggles. Until then, know that I love you, even in the states where that might be illegal.
P.S. Would Dana and Meredith e-mail me privately and reveal their super-secret screen names so I know who to thank? Thanks. :)
June 13th, 2004
I've been going to the bar where the girlfriend works to watch Queer As Folk as I don't have Showtime. I've never liked going there, and am less up for it now than usual.
Is there anyone out there who lives in the US, gets Showtime, and wouldn't mind taping the rest of this season's eps and mailing the tape to me? There aren't very many new eps left, I think.
If I could know by 8:15 central time, I could skip going tonight, but I know this might not get seen before then.
Thanks in advance.
This is going to be a little difficult, but here we go.
I easily talk about very personal things, the sort of stuff that breaches people's TMI boundaries faster than I expect. But when it comes to things which are actually important to me, or hurt, I tend to not speak of at all.
The thing in my life that I've always been the most proud of is not turning into a statistic. My mother was divorced multiple times, married to a batch of abusive husbands and she was an addict of various substances. A few years ago I could -- and did -- proudly state that I was happy, healthy, married to a wonderful man who adored me, and owned home and a successful business. When things started to slip, I ignored the warning signs and clung to that image with every avoidance technique in the book.
It's time to come clean. I've been suffering from textbook depression for many years now. It's leached the happiness out of my life, whittled away my friends, damaged my business and my marriage.
A few weeks ago, I finally admitted I had a serious problem. I quit fucking around with my anti-depressants -- some of you might remember that my 'doctor' is actually a 'dealer' and will write me whatever I ask for. So instead of playing shot-in-the-dark with the meds, I called a good friend who's a psychologist, and spent a goodly time with her figuring out what my symptoms called for. Then I went in and asked for that. I also put myself into once-a-week therapy, which is god-awful expensive, but I simply can not afford to live without.
The impetus for all this is that ... wow, this is hard ... my husband and I are divorcing. A seventeen year relationship is ending, and it feels like an amputation.
Some of you will remember that we're polyamorous, and that his girlfriend lives with us. There's many sides to this story, many ways I could phrase this to win you all over to my side, but the truth is that it takes two people to make a relationship, and two people to break it. I've been very difficult to live with, and by contrast the relationship with the girlfriend is shiny and new. They have fun together, and he's happy with her in a way he hasn't been with me for years.
I asked him to go into couple's therapy with me, but he feels that he's lost years of his life to my illness, and doesn't want to lose any more. They want babies, soon, and he's afraid that he'll lose that chance if he spends a year, or even a half-year with me in therapy. Basically, he's tired of trying to fix us, so tired he can't find the energy to try even one more time.
It's been a while since I felt like posting, or responding to anything, or reading anything in fandom. It seems silly and wasteful, and I suspect it will for a while. I know some of you will want to write me consoling letters, and I'm not going to tell you not to, but I have a suggestion. It would make me happy if instead of taking the time to do that, you turn off the computer, and go spend time doing something with someone you love that you both enjoy. Or maybe you could spend some time alone thinking about one thing in your life that makes you unhappy, make a list of potential ways to fix it, and dedicate yourself to trying them until one works.
And I want to stress this: if you feel like you're unhappy for no reason, or that your entire life makes you unhappy, I urge you to start asking around for some kind of therapist. Do it before what you have slips irretrievably out of your fingers. I've read a lot of LJ's and list posts in which people talk about their lives with far more vitriol than I've felt, even now. Please, please stop living like that. I remember being happy when I woke up in the morning, and I know what I feel like now, and it's not even the same world. The things which keep you in the dark are excuses. Quit using them. Brave the light.
If your patterns don't work, change them. Figure out what you want and change what you need to keep it. Examine the relationships in your life, eradicate the ones that bring you down, and cherish, respect, and appreciate the ones that lift you up. Ask your loved ones what they need from you and whether or not they feel they're getting it.
As I told Spring once recently: this is your life, your only one. Don't fuck around with it. I'm going to start taking my own advice.
Originally, this was going to be a goodbye post, but I changed my mind. I still don't plan on being active or visible, but I'm not signing off just yet. If I do, I'll say goodbye. Otherwise, don't expect me to be around. If you send a message to my hotmail account, I'll get it...eventually.
Michelle -- I haven't forgotten your jewelry. I still need to switch items out with galleries. When I do, I'll get it to you.
Fra -- if you get a chance (after following my plea above about spending time with loved ones) I'd appreciate any tips you have for selling jewelry on Ebay. Paying the mortgage is going to be an issue pretty soon.
Michelle, Spring, Stacey, Kirstie, Ozy, Akire, Fra, Anais, Widget, DarthHelloKitty, LaDonna, and everyone else I've missed -- your friendship, love, and support for the last couple of years has meant more to me than you can know. In fact, I'm telling you this news before I've told any of the RL friends who live in town. Don't think because I'm not here I'm not thinking about you, or that I don't care, or that I think you're 'bad' for me. I just need to re-write habits until I settle into my new life.
Take care of each other. Take care of yourselves. Be happy.
June 2nd, 2004
Michelle? I've sent a couple of e-mails to your banbudge account -- it just occured to me that you might not check that anymore. So, um... go check it. :)
May 31st, 2004
So what have we learned here? That no matter how late, or how hard a day, Apoc can pretty much always be sucked into inane internet toys.
But hey, Flamethrower
May 24th, 2004
Widget's friends have cool icons. Let's see if mine do, too. :)Click Here
If you want to try this, copy and paste the URL with your LJ name in place of 'apocrypha_'.
May 23rd, 2004
Current Music: attic fan
Went to do a quiz and ended up doing this one instead:
And now we know. Well, we knew most of that before, really -- the sign of a good on-line quiz. :)
May 19th, 2004
I went to take the quiz and see what flavor I am. Like I suspected, it came up:
I am Vanilla Flavoured.
I am one of the most popular flavours in the world. Subtle and smooth, I go reasonably with anyone, and rarely do anything to offend. I can be expected to be blending in in society. What Flavour Are You?
The odd thing is, it also said if I weren't vanilla, I would be:
Mmm, I am Lemon Flavoured.
I am bitter and twisted. Expect from me acerbic humour and sharp commentary. While I may seem nasty at first, I'm actually quite good company if I like you, so long as you don't mind a bit of cutting to the chase. What Flavour Are You?
These are my two favorite flavors... but I have to wonder about this. Perhaps I just seem
vanilla, but am filled with lemon custard. Or something.
In other news, I believe it's time to take a shower and head to bed.
Current Mood: still sleepy!
Really, I must go to bed. But before I do...
Does anyone out there know anyone who knows anyone who might be able to find an LJ mood theme set taken from Firefly?
I've been meaning to post for forever, but wasn't planning on it tonight cause it's late. But I saw this silly thing and couldn't resist.
1. Copy and paste this: [font color=username][b]username[/b][/font] into your journal.
2. Replace  with <>.
Purple. Cool. :)
Note: in the version I cut & pasted, there wasn't a '/' in front of the second b to turn off the bold font.