Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in anjali_'s LiveJournal:

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
11:32 pm	here i am I am away, out of town, not in vancouver. it is kind of good, so much shit with family happening right now. Because i worry so much its better for my parents i'm not there to increase the anxiety. I am really happy to be here, i lurk on the computer, have been walking beach walking as well, shopping, drinking martini's with my grandfather, reading, cooking, and just sleeping. CPE 2 is finished and the semester starts in two weeks give or take. So selfishly i am going to try and spend as much time with B, with my friends and just doing what i want to do before school starts. It is going to be an interesting semester i'm looking forward to it. Valentines passed, and it was a really nice evening/day. too much chocolate though. mmmm my ballet boots showed up v day so i was uber happy to have them for a bit before i left. yummy, they make me feel all pretty like. anyways oddly life is good, i have been good, no selfdestructive actions, thoughts yes, but those are hard to escape. anyways anyways i am going to the most beautiful restauant tomorrow nite, and i am super excited, we are going to get dressed up and a few of my friends, well people i know here will be coming with. Christian in particular, powel river reminds me of him, him and i play fighting in my guest house, playing on the swings at the park and the evil way he used to pin me down and pinche me, good times. anyways i'm sure i'll write more later, i know its been a while but what can i say... Current Mood: contemplative (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 29th, 2006
9:01 pm	weekend ok, well had a bit of a rough day on Friday, long story and don't want to talk about....but he saved me Friday night and Saturday little breakdown he saved me again.i workehd on this week as well, and have my last week of full clinical, only four more days left. Saturday night went and saw underworld, it took a bit to get into, lots of information and history....but turned out to be a very good movie, i'll need to watch it a few more times. i think i am gonna go away for a bit when i have my break between clinical and school, i need to just get away and relax...some time for me, gonna read, spend time with my grandparents ect ect....*sigh* of sonata artica is this coming week, i hope B can go, speaking of which gonna get the tickets w00t ciao (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 21st, 2006
12:02 pm	disreguard myself.... alright, so basically he wants freedom, and i am not that. i guess i want too much? which is sad really. Upon reflexion i see that he isnt the person to spend my life with, maybe to spend this part of my life with yes.....anyways we will carry on as always, and see other people and eventually go our own ways. I have imagined myself with an intellect equal to me, a sex drive equal to me, a person who will take charge and not continually let me make the descions, descions in reguards to minor or major things. I want someone i know i feel safe telling exactly how i feel. i am not there with him, but i am going to enjoy where we are now. On another note school is nuts and i am thinking about spending my month off traveling...excited at the prospect, inspired by friends. mmmm went for sushi and good times with them last night. lovely people, who are lovely in love. much to look up to. Current Mood: confusion? (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 14th, 2006
10:04 am	thinking before speaking.. I guess I have this problem, well maybe two....I don't know, i have had boyfriends before ect ect, but still i find it hard to let someone care about me, or just like know that they care for me and that people can love me...why is that so hard to comprehend when i have been around people who love me so often i my life....I wish i knew what my problem was, something i need to work on, just trusting that its ok to be me and be loved....my second problem, i dont think things through or the results of them before i speak....at work i am able to stop think critically about how i am going to approach a problem, but when it comes to my own personal life, different story and i hurt other peoples feelings and become a selfish little girl. Anyways yet another thing to work on, imperfections i guess are what make us human, i am uber human :) today B and I are going over to a friends and tonight going to Sin City...i am looking forward to dancing and having fun. I am also looking forward to trying to convince these friends to come....on occasion i can be very persuasive Current Mood: determined Current Music: Tool - Lateralus (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 8th, 2006
6:13 pm	long time no entry So back at it, school has started again and i am thrilled. (sarcasm) i am working three days a week free lance student! ick it is bad but time will fly and then again another break, woohooo. My friends are home from their christmas vacation and i was able to catch up and talk to her and see how things went. she looks really good. i missed her, she was the person i would confide in well one of three or four heh. So everything has been ok, one huge disaster in my life but i imagine i will get through it, no need for details but it sucks, beyond belief. I went to the munch this week and had a very nice time seeing people i hadnt seen in a while. It is always nice to catch up. things with B are good. I am not sure but he continues to amaze me in how he supports me and cares for me. is it weird that sometimes i feel like i totally dont deserve it. I am learning though that maybe i do. i like the way he looks at me it makes me mental. we bought some new toys this weekend and tried them out today. therefore i am a space case. anyways i am not sure how to articulate how lucky i am....i just am...I was sad at one point this weekend. hmmm this person that B knows has the ability to change his mood in seconds. i want to protect him/us and i hate how it affects us/him, we talk about it but i am not sure what else i can tell or say to him, i guess this is his battle and he has to make the choices of what he wants or is going to do in life. but i am here and try my best to support him i wish i could do more... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 24th, 2005
10:25 pm	twas the night before christmas Alright, so one more sleep....and like a child i am excited. I have a bunch of things for my parents stockings and our tree looks beautiful. Each year my mother would give us an orniment, mine were usually angels. So the tree is filled with old and new orniments and it smells amazing. Tonight we did the traditional ukrainian thing with the 12 course dinner and of course too much red wine, although i think that is less ukranian and more my family. Anyways B called ad poor boy sounds dreadfully bored. I hope he enjoys his christmas i love the season, the happy people and the kids. I think he has some kids where he is so that should help. My cousin Hope was mad with excitment i love watching it. I asked for only two things for christmas from my family, in totaly i asked only three people for anything this year....i honestly dont need anything as i have been spoiled for many christmases. Anyways *sigh* maybe i'll go sleep now see if i can hear sleigh bells :0P honestly i am 26.... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 23rd, 2005
12:59 pm	2nd place Do you ever consistantly feel like you are the runner up? That no matter who you are, what you do or say that is what you will be? I'm not sure if i feel like that, maybe i have been feeling like that for the last few months, maybe i should or have reason to. Maybe it is just me, i'm a big girl and i know what i want and deserve in life. It is hard when you feel like your competeing in a battle that is already decided.... (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 18th, 2005
4:04 pm	so much to type Ok, so basically the past two days i have had little sleep...this being said, i just woke up. Not last night but the night before we ended up going to seattle instead of just bellingham, and nope no passport needed right now. So at about 4pm we drove down there, well it was madness and the traffic was horrible so we ended up getting reading in the car, four girls trying to change for a club, it was quite funny. Anyways it was a blast we saw this amazing DJ and danced until about 4am, i'm not sure why we got the hotel because we only slept there for maybe 4 hours and then booted it back up here. anyways did i mention the boys? the boys in seattle seem to be quite different than the boys here, honestly, i mean they come up to you, talk to you, ask you to dance offer to buy you a drink ect ect. Maybe they just want in your pants more than the canadian boys do? reguardless it is fun to find a few boys to flirt with and spent the evening dancing with them. I love to dance, if there was no one to dance with i would dance by myself, and i love house music to dance to. anyways we were accosted by johnny when we were trying to leave the club. none of us took anyone home, of course there was a time when maybe two out of the four of us was stupid enough to take home a guy from the club, but these two gurlies have men now, so its just fun to go out and look, which has always been my thing, taking men home from clubs...hmm that is a whole other entry. so then last night, can i say i had been like waiting since last monday to see B. I mean holly crap i'm bad heh poor guy was swamped with exams that luckily are now done and all i could do was count down to saturday night. I was uber sad he was going to leave on sunday, he owes me a sleep in damnit, hopefully i'll get it when he gets back. So yes, i waited and waited and of course he fell asleep and was going to be late, obviously i was like gah. So i went out for a walk, it was about 8pm and bloody cold out but it was lovely. Anyways he arrived and it was really nice to see him, it is a paradox sometimes, i crave his gentle nature and he can be delicate with me and then in then in the next breath well its different, but equally as lovely. So we watched movies, drank wine had dinner and spent a really lovely night together, up and out of bed at 3am for an icecream run though! I was finally able to give him his present...i dont know if i should have waited or not, but i had to do it, i was so impacient. So i do think he was happy, and really liked them, he tried to guess each one and it was very cute. it felt really nice being able to give him those things....because i am pretty sure he will enjoy them. So we went to bed at 4am and were up by 7. he left around 11 after i tried to coax him to stay...i got an extra hour, but i know he wants to get home...he misses his family a lot sometimes i think. so yea i hope, he will have an amazing christmas with his family and nieces and nephew. I selfishly have to say i wish he would be down here, but family is uber important over the holidays...i'm looking forward to spending it with mine. Besides i have some lovely bite marks to tide me over......we'll see for how long! Current Mood: just good ol happiness Current Music: metallica fade to black (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
11:05 pm	ok so basically i did nothing I did nothing tonight, sadly other people suffer from my boredom. I had two invitations to go out and i just did not really want to leave the little hideout that is my home....the next two days are going to be nuts, my parents fly out tomorrow and i have to be up early to take them to the airport, i have to do a wack of running around and have dinner plans with an old friend. Then on Friday i am hoping to leave in the afternoon and head out to bellingham to shop and maybe visit a boy, who likes to be a baby! He is a friend of a friends and we met a while ago at a party, i have only seen him that one time and would totally love to hook up and chat. as for the boy i feel obnoxious and selfish, he is almost done and so i'm going to pretend he doesnt exist starting tomorrow morning, no more pestering. i guess because i am done i expect everyone to be. he is patient with all my wingnuttedness and i dont want to take that for granted, i have been really good lately, in terms of my mood and not doing anything self destructive...i am uber happy about that....i have someone else to do that for me. i am almost 27, and i can say i have not figured out the world, i so badly want explanations for everything, a rationale, but that isnt realistic, somethings just are because they are. i have been a control nut since i can remember, i guess maybe having to help out a lot with my little brother had something to do with it, maybe my real fathers personality i dont know i could blame it on a million things. there is this contradiction going on in my head...so badly i want to not have control, but my mind finds it hard to just do that, to feel out of control.....its scary beacause again it means being vulnerable...after knowing someone for a period of time and being intimate not just physically is it odd to feel selfconcious about telling them all your thoughts about life, and how you are feeling, weather they are good or bad? i really like this boy people...and i think we are having fun exploring different sides of our personalities, i think we are both taking on roles we arent so familiar with, i guess we have to have patients with each other.....right now as i type it i am debating if i should post it heh. ps i desperately want to confess what i got hime for christmas damnit, i cant keep a secret. Current Mood: oddly enough i am a happy girl Current Music: DJ shadow endtroducing (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:34 pm	sleep ok, i just got back from taking charlie to the airport, i have to go there again tomorrow to take my parents. This morning was my last exam and my head hurts. I hate exam week, my body is sore and so is my mind...i am trying to relax. I was up last night until 4am and up at 6am, i really should have slept more as i feel like i am a zombie. Tonight we are supposed to go to the cellar, or i was invited to bellingham, and all i really want to do it sleep, read and try to get my house back to normal. i know the holidays will go by fast they always seem to, but i am seriously going to try not to work much and just spend time with my friends and family.truly i am tired i need a nap...maybe i'll add more later, oh weirdness i have been having really weird dreams about various male people i know. they range from intimate dreams to madly running as fast as i can to get away...odd... Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Monday, December 12th, 2005
10:05 pm	bed... So I wrote my first exam, and i am sitting here, trying to study for another one i have tomorrow morning. I am stressed, finals are supposed to make you mental no? I am calm other wise but my body is rigid. I didnt sleep much last night, i got up at 2:30am and painted my nails a wicked red. evil news...my father might be coming back to canada, but i keep my fingers crossed that he find another job, or the plane that he is on goes down and oddly enough he is the only one on the flight! Two more exams to go....I didnt want to get out of bed today....twice. i fell asleep around 4am and woke up at 6am, i did not want to get up, i hadnt set my coffee machine and i forgot breakfast...bleh to the morning. After my exam i visited (how to refer to this person?) I visited B and we slept, i think i made him mental with my tossing, and my unrelaxedness..i slept on the floor of the living room, the boy poor needed sleep....school is crazy for him to. but i crawled back inbefore i had to leave for yet another Dr's appt. i didnt want to get up...basically i didnt want to go to the dr for yet another test. just a scan but still. its true what they say, people in the medical profession make the wost patients...even my dr says so. Christmas is close and i can't wait to give my presents to people. right now i want to write about the things i am thinking...i have written them in my own personal journal, and well this stuff i am sharing isnt so personal...i have issues, i think my problems and concerns should just be mine, unless poor specific people become the bane of my concerns... ps I bought ballet boots, the are ankle boots and they lock....is it wrong to want to please someone??? anyways nite Current Mood: cold Current Music: Sonata arctica - broken (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 11th, 2005
11:53 am	pro cras tin a tion So, exams start tomorrow and it seems i want to do anything but study. my house is covered in books and paper. information is everywhere. i have been listening to music constantly, working, i buggered off one day and probably put us both back a day. i have talked to a bunch of people from school and no one really wants to study anymore. i keep questioning why i went into school. i mean if i could write books, poetry, short stories, goof off, i dont know, i want to do something i love, do i love looking after people, yea i guess its part of my nature, i guess you go through this shit to get to the good stuff. and by good stuff i mean enemas and disimpactment. dont ask. early last week i was beyong grumpy, i have been seeing my doctors trying to figure out what the next step is. i hate constantly going to see the doctors, and i love my one doctor and all but every time i see him i end up needing stitches and bleeding just a little too much. only because i am a nurse he says. christmas is coming soon and i plan on laying low doing nothing but work, i hope to take five days off before school restarts. CPE2 yuck three 12 hour shifts a week, bleh, i guess it will be a good experince. ha, i havent dont any christmas shopping, ill wait till the last minute. I did however get one which i am uber proud of, and hope he likes, shrug, if not i can keep it! ok back to the books.... Current Mood: randy Current Music: remy Zero - save me (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 5th, 2005
10:29 pm	day five home from work bored tired should sleep but i dont want to should do some studying but i dont want to i am scared to write personal stuff in here for the fear of people actually reading it and maybe learning something about me. so why the hell am i still writing? cathardic i'm not sure of the spelling on that one but you get it no? maybe as i go on i'll become more daring.... Current Mood: dirty in a good way Current Music: sonata artica-broken (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
12:31 pm	new to this alright I am not so sure how i feel about the whole blog thing. i am trying this anyways...lets see where it goes shall we? Current Mood: amused Current Music: the cure - burn (Comment on this)