"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are."
- Kurt Cobain
"I think men are very funny. If I had one of those dangly things stuffed down the front of my pants, I'd sit at home all day laughing at myself."
- Dawn French.
"We lit candles and sat around listening to John Lennon sing with genuine passion in his voice about how he was the egg man, and they were the egg man, and he was also the walrus, and, by God, we knew exactly what he meant."
- Dave Barry.
"We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually."
- Steven Wright.
"Let's have some new cliches."
- Samuel Goldwyn.
"Very nice, though there are dull stretches."
- Antoine De Rivarol (Reviewing a Two-Line poem.)
"The most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me was when I entered a Dolly Parton look-alike contest, and lost."
- Dolly Parton.
"It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope."
- Pope John XXlll
"On my gravestone I want it to say, "I told you I was sick".
- Tom Waits.
"I don't know anything about music. In my line, you don't have to."
- Elvis Presley.
"For birth control I rely on my personality."
- Milt Abel.
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
- Ellen De Generes.
"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."
- G.K Chesterton.
"It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
" - Roseanne.
"Queen Elizabeth is the whitest person in the world."
- Bette Midler.
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
- A. Whitney Brown.
"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."
- The Chinese version of the jingle 'Come Alive With Pepsi.".
"Fish fingers do not make great pets."
- Gretel Killeen.
"Applaud, friends, the comedy is finished."
- Beethoven's last words.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks."
- Steve Martin.
"After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts for lions."
- Bert Lahr
"If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber."
- Albert Einstein.
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph."
- Shirley Temple.
"Can I know that mine was a foolish, innocent world, a world of delusion and feeling and ridiculous dreams, a world of music, and still love it? Endlessly, effortlessly."