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@$HL3!GH

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Yeah, you know you're not. [ 022006]
[ mood | accomplished ]

This journal is overused.


contarchismes
Add it.
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My lungs are fresh and yours to keep [ 022006]
[ mood | calm ]

Jon's picking me up soon, we're going dress shopping since I have to attend a formal Sweet 16 in a week. I will take some pictures of my new dress and probably some with Jon tonight. Today's getting better.

Oh cute picture of Jon I just found.

haha cutie?Collapse )
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Jesus christ. [ 022006]
[ mood | crappy ]

It's hard to deny the fact that I am in love and I don't give a flying fuck what anyone has to say about that one. :0]
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Okay so. [ 021906]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Originally, after Jon's mom said I couldn't go over cause he's sick, I was going to go to Roberto's "surprise" party with Alison and Peter. That slightly backfired so we decided we'd go chill with Lee. I knew this would pose a threat with Jon & I but I decided to see how he'd handle it.

He didn't yell, he didn't get moody and he didn't ask me not to go. He only sent 1 text message while I was there and he was apologizing for worrying. I respect that. Anyways, we watched some movies, hung out and ate pizza. Then Peter showed up.

I hadn't seen Peter in ages and I ended up getting a hug out of him before I left. I had a good time I just was kind of out of it. Lee's little sister is adorable and I plan on kidnapping her and playing with her toy cars. I didn't take any pictures tonight just cause I didn't feel like scaring everyone with a camera flash every 5 seconds.

So that's that. I have to work at 6am tomorrow, so I'm thinking about going to bed soon.
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Rest In Peace Afflac & Guineazilla [ 021906]
[ mood | not sure ]

I called him I said Happy Birthday
he said "oh wow you remembered"
I said I had to go
he tried to make conversation
I said I had to go
and he said "well thanks Ashleigh"
and I hung up.
2 // comment

asdasf [ 021806]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I love him to tears but he can't be the basis to my happiness anymore. I'm just going to start doing things that don't involve him. Maybe he'll realize that he kind of liked me hanging around and showering him with love. Maybe not. Which ever it may be I promise to be content with his decisions.

We're still together. & that's that.

PS I finished my book. [Teacher Man by Frank McCourt] I suggest it to everyone but first read his first two books [Angela's Ashes & 'Tis].
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Won't you cure my tragedy?? [ 021806]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

I'm so bitter right now. I can't even smile. I feel like screaming more than once in more than one way, if that can justify the magnitude of my anger. I feel trapped and I feel tricked. I hate caring about people that just hurt themselves. It's beyond pointless, but nevertheless, I'm stuck now and I'll care until I die.

Tonight's my last night grounded. It's probably a good thing becuase if I saw anyone right now I'd just hurt them. I'd take everything that I keep in me and just in a fit or a rage batter their faces with my punches and cries. I have so much I stand for, but I feel as if I'm still sitting down.

What happened to being so brave?

I'm just going to play piano all night since no one's really here. I'll just play until my fingers hurt or I want to go to bed. Maybe that'll help.
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So far away. [ 021706]
[ mood | chipper ]

God damnit, I have to write one more entry. I just need to make it blatently clear that no one has stood up for me against Amanda at Fairfax. They are always far too worried about their reputation to ever realize what a bitch she and her friends are to me to just for once help me out. I mean they snicker behind her back and say rude things about her but I mean when it comes down to me and her in the hallway, no one would ever just be like Hey, Fuck you.

& I've finally found someone that will definetly have my back. I don't know how lucky I am to find this new friend of mine. I appreciate you a lot Lee. I really don't give a flying fuck what people say anymore, and the stupid shit they make up to justify our friendship, I don't care.

zieglerwashere: id never hurt my best friend at FFX

So contrary to what Jon says, I know you won't hurt me. Thank you for being a good friend with such short timing and I hope we can be closer and be pretty shweeeet friends. =]
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It says one day I will make this count. [ 021706]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Yeah, another entry, but what do you expect? I'm bored and grounded haha.

Jon admitted to watching Star Trek tonight and it reminded me of when he admitted to being obsessed or highly fond of Star Wars. Which then reminded me a really really great day a while back. The importance of that day won't be told but before I had to leave him that day he said I looked like ET with my hoodie over my head. I attacked him and probably smiled the most I have ever. Not only had our love been proven but he was always able to make me smile uncontrollably.

I wish I could see him right now. ET <3's Star Wars Nerd. Always and forever


I've fallen way too hard.
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This could be it. [ 021706]
[ mood | full ]

Health class is officially the most boring place on Earth. And PT in the cafeteria is not so bad with Philip & Gupta along with passing kids like Glazewski and Roberto that write things on paper and hold it up to the cafeteria glass. Lee greeted me in there before the class ended and we made our way to English together.

English was boring too, what do you know? Then we went to lunch and Lee sat with us instead of Amanda. They attempted to attack him after they left their class but he kind of just ran away real quickly while they were yelling for him. Side note: Why did you deface my English folder?

AP: uggh. Stupid class. Except Liann, Annie & I got to walk around the hallways with a Marketing book [just incase]. Candace made up a lame excuse for pretending to not be "able" to ride the bus when really she was just getting a ride with Kelly. Excuses afterwards didn't change my opinion on how rude it was.

I finally talked to Jon today. Go figure it'd take 10 years. At first I thought things were going perfectly but then he admitted to not liking me hanging with Lee because he'll more than likely hurt me. But I finally stood my ground and asked him to stop worrying about me. I also finally talked to him about some things that have been bugging me a lot recently. He really didn't give me any kind of reply. So all I can hope for is that he's willing to see that the littlest things can make me so happy.

I went to the chiropractor and basically fell asleep not only on the rollertable but on the inversion table. He really helped me a lot today though and I finally felt better, though the good feeling left me about an hour after I left. Not to mention I drove home.

I recorded the chorus to my new song. It's on purevolume and if you'd like to hear it you are more than welcome to IM me and ask me for it. Keep in mind I have not played in ages or sang and my recording equipment really isn't advanced. I hope to practice some more and record at Peter's soon enough.

So it's been Pizza and Tivo since I got done playing and I have to work tomorrow so I really just plan on going to bed early so that I can wake up at 6:30AM. Woohoo?

Oh and I broke my iPod earphones. I feel fucking dumb today and I'm more than pissed at myself for a bunch of stupid shit. Whatever, go figure.
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[ 021706]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I have enabled commenting. PS: Friday. =]
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Blue skies? [ 021606]
[ mood | calm ]

I'm guessing I was terribly wrong. Jon wasn't avoiding/ignoring me and he didn't have the intentions of not talking to me. I think he was just sleeping off the surgery. I was just comparing him to how Candace dealt with it and she was able to be up and moving and talking. I guess it just affected Jon more.

He texted me while I was downstairs watching RENO911! and I didn't get the message. He signed off about 20 minutes before I came upstairs. I haven't actually talked to him since Tuesday, this is so depressing.

I love him uncontrollably. I don't know why I let my thoughts get to me. I'm glad I wrote a song today. I hope Jon feels better soon, and I hope I can lay in his arms soon enough. Alison offered to see if Peter will drive me over to Jon's this weekend since he's probably not going to feel up to going out or anything of the sort.

I'd appreciate that more than anything. I'm now realizing that Jon has just been really stressed out recently, with districts, regionals, college stuff, and now his surgery. Ahhh how could I have been so selfish and assumed he was avoiding me? I hate how I get so stupid sometimes.

Yes, I would have loved if he had surprised me with something sweet on Valentine's Day but honestly, it's just a holiday, why did I care so much? Why did I let it bug me? I just assumed he forgot me. He hasn't forgotten me, and I think we'll be just fine now. I've been seeing things clearer these past 2 days.

I have the capability of caring about Lee. I hope he doesn't mind and I'm glad he's called me a couple times and confides in me. I'm glad that Alison and I are talking, she lets me unload so much and because of our similarities, I feel like talking to her is so easy. Peter and I are even talking again and we're going to start a project.

I can't wait to feel as happy as I used to be. I can finally see it all clearing up though.

PS I think I almost thought I broke my washer but I really didnt.
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Just wrote a new song. [ 021606]
An Extended Metaphor and Everything It Hides
By Me. 02/16/06

Buckle your seatbelts, youre in for a long ride.
And not to mention the time it takes to tell where we're going,
or which direction leads where.
And even though we all may act confused or unexcited
about the tree ligned backroads or the curving bumps and hills,
Secretly there's a part of us that is just in it for the thrill.

We could ride for months and days or even add on a whole year,
But we wouldn't miss the things we left behind half as much as the things we won't ever come near,
That's if though, and theoretically speaking, we don't hit just the right pothole to send us swerving off the road.

This could be it. And I know it scares you to death.
To know this could be our last ride together
Or possibly our last laugh
And if you just turn the music up louder and drive a little bit faster
Maybe things won't seem so far away, or so close to ending here.

I imagined the sun hitting the windshield, at an appropriate angle
That it allows all the perfect parts of you to get the best parts of me.
And all this unmarked unmapped territory has given me a feeling of regret
For knowing all this time I've shared with you, I've never once yet,
Told you that the sunrise isn't half as pretty as when the sun sets,
and that if I had my way, I'd hold your hand now, so that I'll never forget.

This could be it. And I know it scares you to death.
To know this could be our last ride together
Or possibly our last laugh
And if you just turn the music up louder and drive a little bit faster
Maybe things won't seem so far away, or so close to ending here.
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And I may never know [ 021606]
[ mood | cranky ]

All this stupid fucking gossip and talk is just bugging me. I don't even know why but it really just has been eating at me but I've done a decent job keeping my mouth shut. I don't like people talking about him as if they know him when they've never even held a conversation with him. Oh & adding him on myspace does not make you his best friend.

I don't even know the kid that well myself, but the fact that we had an hour long phone conversation and he confides in me, tells me that maybe I know him better than most people do at this point at Fairfax. They basically are picking who would make the best couple with him, while he's sitting 20 feet away. "Oh I think Erica would be great with him" Have you ever talked to him? He doesn't want a girlfriend.

Why does this bug me? Probably because I actually want to be a good friend to him. Even if our 5 minute conversation before his Journalism class was all I got today, I think I know him enough to know he deserves to not be coupled with girls he doesn't know at a lunch table full of girls he's never met.

PS Tommy & Alex, leave him alone.
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[ 021506]
[ mood | blank ]

I need to decide what I want in life. I need to decide things I'm going to start doing differently and things I really need to stick myself to. This week I have completely dropped my study habits becuase I'm just too drained. I need to stop that, starting tomorrow.


I Would Like..
+ to be happy
+ to do things for myself
+ to feel loved all the time
+ to have things I deserve
+ to be great at something
+ to pick back up my guitar
+ to play the piano the way I used to
+ to get my mile time to 6:00
+ to talk to Roberto again
+ to fix things with Jon
+ to save Lee from Fairfax
+ to forgive and forget
+ to erase last year and all those occurances
+ to erase my mistakes from last year
+ to never think about it again
+ to trust myself
+ to stop being scared
+ to stand up for myself, maturely
+ to stop desiring the absense in my heart
+ to gain respect from others that normally don't
+ to overall better myself
+ to prove myself
+ to not feel like your judging me
+ to have my old friends back, the ones that cared
+ to stop involving myself in high school drama
+ to have Jon call me once, on his own
+ to have Jon do the things he used to
+ to have more days full of laughing
+ to read more books
+ to write more songs
+ to sing more
+ to be more confident
+ to start back up working again
+ to use my cell phone less
+ to see Jon more
+ to have Jon love me more
+ to be the person I was when Jon fell in love with me
+ to stay in my size 2 jeans
+ to take as many photographs as possible
+ to get a scholarship
+ to understand the fate and cause of the world
+ to get flowers from someone that loves me


That's all I can think of for now. I know it's selfish, writing the things I want. But if I just write it down, then I feel better cause a lot of those things, well, most of those things, I can do for myself.
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Keepin' it fun for ya. [ 021506]
[ mood | sore ]

I took the AMC10 for a chance at a scholarship, don't think I got it. We were released into PT.

New kid in class, after I heard his name realized who he was and his connection with other kids that don't exactly love me. But he didn't care, we talked for about 3 hours, and he's really cool with me. Just IMed him and I think we're going to be pretty good friends. Lee's the name. He just liked that I was the only one that wasn't all over his nuts about what he did, even though I knew, but really didn't care. He went to go smoke after class, I asked him not to and to please just come eat lunch with me. I knew that he had a high percentage of getting caught since there's construction. He put it out halfway through because he decided since I actually was waiting for him, he'd stop. We walked inside.

AP was so boring and I started feeling sick. I went to the team dinner and had a really good time. I'm going to miss them so much, I wish the season wasn't over. I just took an hour nap cause I didn't feel good at all. Homework maybe?
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WHAT [ 021406]
[ mood | content ]

New Photo Journal.

artificialightx
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Just be jealous. [ 021406]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Valentine’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Valentine’s Day. I’m not quite sure what to make of it. Nick made me a card and got me a stuffed animal, which he left at home on accident. In lunch a boy sold David a balloon for 2 dollars and then another girl came up to him, selling the same balloon but only charged 25 cents. Tony bought me a mini balloon on a stick so that I could hit people, like Philip, on the head while roaming the halls.

Jon played a prank on me this morning. I’m not mad but I’m still not sure why he constantly has to pull things on me to prove that I love him and not someone else. Kind of makes me nervous but it didn’t bug me so as long as it makes him feel better about not being there all the time to make sure I’m true.

I just got in from going out with Candace and Emily. I completely forgot that I was grounded and just went out with them. My moms upset with me which is understandable but I honestly forgot. I feel like a fucking retard cause now I definetly can’t go to the Centreville game tonight even though we’re going to crush them and it’s the first district game.

That’s alright I probably should be studying anyways. Good luck tonight Philip.

& HAPPY VALENTINE`S DAY GUYS!!
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[ 021306]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Valentine's Day Colors. :]


My valentine's the cutest.



It takes more time than I've ever had, drains the life from me, makes me want to forget, as young as I was, I felt older back then; more disciplined, stronger and certain. But I was scared to death of eternity, I was saved by grace, but destroyed by naivety. And I lied to myself and said it was for the best and now faith is replaced with a logic so cold. I've disregarded what I was, now that I'm older. And I know much more than I did back then but the more I learn, the more I can't understand.

____________SR
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May cause dizziness. [ 021306]
[ mood | okay ]

So a lot of things happened today. I talked to Julian and he wishes I had talked to him before he left like I had offered Peter that I would, because he wishes he never left. I miss that kid, I love him to peices but I didn't think it was good to come into his life at the time anymore. But now I wish I had.

I faught with my mom after and before I came home. We screamed, we cried, but we're going to eventually be okay. I mean, after all, she is the only real family that I have that isn't extended. Everyone in this house is just an attachment, never the less I love them anyways.

I saw Jon. I was so happy, I felt so safe and calm. He was almost his normal hyper self. He was quite mild actually. Though he did steal Sugar in the Raw from Chipotle and eat it plain. But he did take me to the bookstore to get a new book for after I finish a few others. And he did hold my hand and he did gives me kisses and he did make me laugh immensely.

He just challenged me to a backgammon game on MSN. I was sure I would lose after about 5 minutes but you know I did end up winning, thanks.

I hope things work out sooner or later. I'm kind of grounded right now but I don't know. We're working it out. But as of right now my step sister and step brother seem to be fighting. I guess nothing will ever be perfect but I guess that's fine.

I've been listening to Straylight Run a lot more recently, I don't know why.
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