♥ [entries|friends|calendar] internationally fashioned, like disease [ website | myspaceisyourspace ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[15 Oct 2009|12:43pm] "I just don't want you to get hurt". Thanks for the FUCKING concern, but it's too late for that. Initials for names. sleep

[07 Oct 2009|11:42pm] I feel like we are always doing something, or waiting to do something. We have become over-scheduled as a culture. No one takes their time anymore. There is a rush order on life, and I’m saying “no”! I want to stroll. Maybe even take a couple rest stops on the way. sleep

[02 Aug 2009|12:57am] Another year has gone by, and all I feel I have to show for it is a hand-full more of complicated life situations. And a sweet tattoo on my wrist. No real deep thoughts, or revelations. Instead I have some bills, some friends, and a slight sunburn. 2 pills|sleep

[29 May 2009|02:21pm] I miss the feeling of new love. When you meet someone you are truly excited about, and their phone call is the highlight of your drive to work. Someone who can't wait to see you. Where is that? Does dating become more logical, more like something to work for the older we get? I feel like I am shopping for better qualities, and placing safer bets. Where is that schoolboy crush? The first college love? Have our inhibitions caused more cautious, damaged, daters? Do our fears take the fun out of love? 1 pill|sleep

[14 May 2009|09:49pm] I don't want to settle, but sometimes it's hard to know what you're doing. sleep

[23 Nov 2008|02:19pm] As of late, I have found myself in a challenging and unfair living situation. I have also heard some nasty rumors about myself that have frustrated me. I need seven hundred dollars by December 5th. My roommate ditched on me a week before rent is due. And in no way am I doing coke and hooking up with men. It's a nasty drug that brings only trouble, and I think that I am much classier than to whore myself out on Class A narcotics. You should not be concerned with me anyways; you did this to yourself. My heart got broken while you acted like you didn't have one. It still hurts. 1 pill|sleep

[26 Sep 2008|03:39pm] I think it's unfair. Don't try to APOLOGIZE because you knew what you were doing. I knew what I was doing when I told you to man up. The beach at two a.m. and the adventures around this city are just a game. I don't play anymore. I retired from that last season. As for the former: I want my clothes back. Maybe some respect, but mostly I just want my things from you. Whatever happened to "treat people the way you want to be treated." I'm glad you left. And it's hard because you don't have much going for you. Self absorbed & boring is hardly anyone's type. Speaking of people's types, no one likes someone who pretends they are interested only when they want something from you. Just don't call me at all if that is the situation. You are awkward anyways, and I can't spend the night thinking you may die at any moment, pretending the orange juice will save you. I'm growing bitter and callused as the days pass. I don't take shit. sleep

[27 Jun 2008|02:56pm] I don't know how I got here, but I can't wait to get out. I just don't want to feel this anymore. It's been one hit after another since that morning. And now the constant taste of blood is a reminder of everything that's preceded this fall. It was a physical culmination of words exchanged. A rock to the face. sleep

[18 May 2008|11:09pm] Are our attitudes towards dating jaded? I feel like we only focus on the negative experiences of others; are we just waiting for the worst to happen? When did dating change from working for the best and having faith in ourselves and others in to fearing for the worst and suspecting infidelity out of our partners? There has been a big loss of hope in today's dating world. Lying, cheating, and secrets have become the norm, leaving romance for the movies and TV shows we soak up at night after our long days at work. Checking up on people's locations, reading e-mails and text messages do nothing to help a relationship. Investigating your suspicions, however relevant they may be, only allows for both parties to be consumed by distrust. And when do investigate your suspicions, you are left feeling guilty and shamed instead of the feeling the relief you were looking for. Is it just curious human nature that leads us to do these things. Are we, as humans, incapable of true romance? Of complete trust? Or is it a choice we make? Can we choose to fully trust our hearts with another without doubting them? I think that the movement for romance needs to be put in to effect. It's starting tonight, with me. From this moment on, my heart is completely trusted with another, and I'm not going to spend time worrying about all the things that could go wrong, but simply appreciate all the things that are right. I am going to give in to love, and not give up on it. 1 pill|sleep

[11 May 2008|03:15pm] I'm numb. I don't know what to think right now, or what to feel. I'm a push-over. sleep

[20 Apr 2008|11:09am] I'm throwing what I know out of the window. Everything I thought I had down comes up time and time again as incorrect. Maybe no one really figures anything out, that life is circumstantial and rules that applied before need not apply years down the road. You can't expect to keep up, just to be willing to change. sleep

[15 Apr 2008|04:49pm] I feel like a fuck-up. Everything I have thought or done lately has been horribly, and ridiculously incorrect. Sorry. sleep

[14 Apr 2008|05:08pm] I don't like being stood up. I think it's a really shitty thing to do. 1 pill|sleep

[11 Apr 2008|07:59pm] Don't leave. sleep

[02 Apr 2008|09:59am] FUCK i'm going back to bed sleep

[27 Mar 2008|06:47am] I've found a place to live. Sumter Street. The people who live across the street sell crack off of their front porch. I'm buying a bike. I wish I could end my day sitting next to AJ in our own apartment, relaxing on the couch and sharing a snack before going to bed. Homework done. Party on the weekends. Soon. ♥. Just a little place we could call home. The kid makes me feel at home though, regardless of bricks or wood. It's one of my favorite feelings; I've never had that. Everything has been so peripheral lately when it comes to school, and I've started to kick my self in the ass for it. The other day I was questioning my major. People ask me about school and I respond, "It's hard but I love it". Truthfully, I really don't want to do anything and I feel I chose the major that I would hate the least. You see, these days you can't say that. Honesty is a veil for corrupt politicians and uninformed news anchors instead of the foundation of everyday conversation. It's been lost because no one really wants to hear the truth, but instead a sweeter version of the truth that can distract them from their own feelings of doubt and confusion. Well, here are some truths, real and uncensored: I feel I am struggling to re-motivate myself in my school work and social life. I miss my family a lot. Especially my father, which surprised me considering we didn't see eye-to-eye very often when I was growing up. I am scared to finally move out of my parents house, but at the same time cannot wait for the one thing I have wanted to do since I was 16. I am noticing that life isn't as bad as it seems (though I have made it sound bad up until now). I am in love with someone. They are in love with me. Maybe, if we were all a little more honest with ourselves, we could finally say we are completely happy? I'm going to get things done today, Things I've been meaning to do. And tonight, honestly, I'll feel completely happy When I fall asleep holding you. sleep

[24 Mar 2008|10:15am] I feel over-obligated. I don't care of that's not a real word. Too much shit. sleep

[10 Mar 2008|01:36pm] I'm not angry. frustrated, yes. I don't know. I'm afraid of turning into the fuck up I was. disappointed about things; bummed out. I think I am getting a cold, good. it will really make me feel better, at least I have physical symptoms and not just emotional ones. I'm just a mess today. I'm telling myself it will pass. I am not a failure. I want a room of my own, but that means I need somewhere to live. I hope I can live there. I love you so much, and I have done things that have made you upset, too. I'm not mad at you, I am bothered by myself. I took it out on you and I am sorry. work later, at least I haven't fucked that up yet. although, I was already told that I have. "it's the dumbest thing you've done, this will ruin everything". thanks for the vote of confidence. I want to scream out of the window. I want you to not be in lab and be here sleeping with me. that's what you do when you are beating your self up, you sleep all day. I should be sleeping. I just don't want to mess anything up anymore. I had things under control, but I lost priorities. I know I am only supposed to be getting my things, but I really wish you could sit with me tonight. at least wait until I fall asleep. sleep

[26 Feb 2008|11:54pm] I'm excited about a lot of things. you included. sleep

[06 Feb 2008|09:24am] lately, in regards to my classes, I have really been making a mess of things. I feel like second semester is always harder than first semester when it comes to going to classes and paying attention. it shouldn't take more effort, but somehow it does. in other areas of my life things are going along swimmingly. I think I have finally secured myself a job, and I have a potential apartment to be living in over the summer and for however longer I decide to inhabit the place. valentine's day is coming up. I still don't know how I feel about the holiday. last year my valentine's day sucked ass. apparently my blasé attitude towards the holiday was enough to create a problem that warranted the end of a relationship. now that I am not in a virulent coupling though, I think that february fourteenth might turn out to be a nice day. I'm not going to expect anything more than a normal day though. I still believe that there is too much hype concerning the inamorato's day. I suppose I just don't find roses and chocolates all that meaningful. a nice walk and a picnic dinner with champagne a dance party and making out would suffice. no big bangs, no huge surprises. I just think that you should always be doing that kind of shit for someone you love. there shouldn't be a day people use to make up for their missed opportunities and lack of affection throughout the other days of the year. speaking of love, AJ and I are taking a trip to connecticut in march and I am so excited for it. a whole week-long trip including plane rides and everything. I couldn't think of anyone I would rather adventure with. plus, he gets to meet my family which should be hilarious. they are insane. okay, I have to get started on my day. wednesdays are so lame, I have so much shit I am obligated to do on wednesdays. thumbs down. hopefully tonight I get to have a little fun. sleep

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