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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in alwaysinrepair_'s LiveJournal:

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Friday, October 27th, 2006
10:21 pm
Oh Timmy Hos
For those of you who don't know, I have a job at Tim Hortons. It's truly, truly glorious.

Except, I really wish I had that explosive temper I used to have. Now, whenever someone starts freaking out, my instinct is to just stare at them until they calm down or I can get a word in. I wish I could start freaking out back, and particularly today because of this one guy:

A new girl on till, she doesn't know how everything works that well. Some guys orders something, he goes to the sandwich station, and it turns out she punched in something else. He starts freaking out on the girl at the sandwich station, and she shafts him onto us. I talk to him and he has the sandwich open, and is very animated, going 'I ordered (whatever) and I got... I don't even know what this is! It disturbs me!'

Thinking about it now, I really wish I had just stared at him and gone 'This disturbs you? You're one of those guys that watchs those World Vision specials and laughs, aren't you?'
Friday, September 15th, 2006
10:04 pm
So, I totally quit my job, and then today I go in to get some stuff. I wind up working for an hour, even though I'm not employed there. :P It wound up being OK, because I got 10$ for it, and I still like the people there.

Also, I rented season 2 of The Office from Rogers- it has 4 discs, so that's 20$ all together. I decide I like it enough to buy it. The buying price is 40$. Then, I'm being lazy and not returning the last disc 'cause it's cold and raining outside. So, really, The Office is costing me a lot of money.

Le sigh.

Edit: Oi. vey.
Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
10:43 pm
Must see!!!
Alright, everyone who likes Digimon must see this:

Digimon Romance Theatre Trailer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bx8kVoohe-U

It is one of the funniest things I have ever heard.

Warnings: Contains much swearing. Do not have speakers on very loudly if your family will come down and ask questions.

But seriously, you HAVE to see this!
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
9:10 am
My life is so interesting! (for once)
So, my graduating class had a murder mystery. Which I wrote. Yey! Except, I started it last Monday, and we had it on Friday, and it was for 14 people, and it took forever. But other than that, it was good. Then, yesterday, which was Tuesday, grades 10-12 went to Edmonton for a job fair. Then we returned. On the same day!

8 hours in a bus with the same people! I almost cried. So I skipped school today so I wouldn't have to see them.
Saturday, April 22nd, 2006
5:00 pm
Harry Potter Parody made by Comic Relief. British People. It's amusing.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=7aISzEbGK1w&search=harry%20potter
4:44 pm
Right. Because I am bored, I will do this: the purity test. Take away one point from 100 for every one of these you have done.

Smoked

Drank alcohol. -1

Cried when someone died. -1

Been drunk.

Had sex.

Been to a concert. -1

Given a handjob/gotten a handjob.

Given a blowjob/gotten a blowjob.

Been verbally/sexually harassed. -1

Verbally/sexually harassed somebody.

Felt someone up and/or been felt up. -1

Laughed so hard something came out of your nose. -1

Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.

Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Been to prom. -1

Cried at school. -1

Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store. -1

Went streaking.

Given a lap dance.

Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.

Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.

Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house.

Kissed a stranger.

Hugged a stranger. -1

Went scuba diving.

Driven a car.

Gotten an xray. -1

Hit by a car.

Had a party. -1

Done drugs.

Played strip poker.

Got paid to strip for someone.

Ran away from home.

Broken a bone.

Eaten sushi.-1

Bought porn.

Watched porn. -1

Made porn.

Had a crush on someone of the same sex. -1

Been in love.

Frenched kissed. -1

Laughed so hard you cried. -1

Cried yourself to sleep.-1

Laughed yourself to sleep. -1

Stabbed yourself. -1

Shot a gun.

Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day. -1

Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.

Been online for 9 consecutive hours. -1

Watched an animal die. -1

Watched a person die.

Had sex and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present. -1

Pranked somebody. -1

Put somebody in the hospital.

Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out.

Kissed somebody of the same sex. -1

Dressed punk.

Dressed goth.-1

Dressed preppy. -1

Been to a motocross race.

Avoided somebody. -1

Been stalked.

Stalked someone.

Met a celebrity.

Played an instrument. -1

Ridden a horse. -1

Cut yourself. -1

Bungee jumped.

Ding dong ditched somebody. (OK, WTF is this?)

Been to a wild party.

Got caught stealing something.

Kicked a guy in the balls. -1

Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.

Went out with your friend's crush.

Got arrested.

Been pregnant.

Babysat. -1

Been to another country. -1

Started your house on fire. -1

Had an encounter with a ghost.

Donated your hair to cancer patients.

Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by. -1

Cried over a member of the opposite sex. -1

Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 3 months.

Sat on your ass all day. -1

Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.-1

Had a job.-1

Gotten cut from a sports team.

Been called a whore.

Danced like a whore. -1

Been mistaken for a celebrity.

Been in a car accident.

Been told you have beautiful eyes. -1

Been told you have beautiful hair. -1

Raped somebody.

Danced in the rain. -1

Been rejected.-1

Walked out of a restaurant without paying.

Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.

I am 54% pure.
Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
7:35 pm
NESTOR!!!! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN POSSIBLY TELL, BUT BOTH OF THE PHONES IN MY HOUSE ARE DEAD, AND THAT IS WHY THE PHONE CUT OFF AND I AM NOT ANSWERING!!!!

PLEASE STILL LOVE ME!!!!!
6:46 pm
1. Thank the person who tagged you.
2. List five random/strange/weird things about you.
3. Tag four or five other people.

1. Thanks Brianna. You whore.
2. -I'd totally be Alexander the Great's concubine if he weren't hopelessly gay. Except I wouldn't.
-I brought a beer drinking hat home from England.
-I have a sekrit crush on Pete Doherty.
-My ultimate dream is to watch Michael Moore and that chick who wrote 'How to talk to a Liberal... If You Have To' duke it out to see who gets dictatorship of the US.
-I really liked the 4th Harry Potter movie.
3. I'm pretty sure everyone on my list has been tagged... but Paul, I tag you, and anyone else who hasn't been yet!

And another tag.

Ten things that give me momentary pleasure.
1. Speaking Japanese
2. Reading
3. Doing math, even though I suck at it.
4. Making people laugh/smile.
5. Watching dumb people.
6. Bitching
7. Being complimented
8. Singing
9. Going random places by public transit and feeling like I have a life.
10. Thinking of my Grandin friends.

The same tagging for the tag above exists here.
Thursday, February 16th, 2006
6:48 pm
ATTN!!!
Alright, who on my friends list like either Franz Ferdinand or Deathcab for Cutie?
Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
11:27 pm
Am I Part of the Problem?
'I want something good to die for,
to make it beautiful to live.'
-'Go with the Flow' Queens of the Stoneage

My mother and I were having a discussion on multinational coperations operating in third world countries. It was my liberal yaking with her conservative defences. (Gods I could spend hours talking about why a poorly educated single mother making minimum wage should NOT be a conservative, but lets leave that aside.)

So, it's got me thinking. How far would I go for the rights of workers in third world countries?

My father used to sit me down when I was about 7-12, and tell me stories of how our government was fucking us over, and we were simply sheep led to slaughter. I was 7, I thought sheep were pretty damn cute. 'Revolution!' was what his hours of overtalkative propaganda boiled down to. 'If you're not going to jail for protesting, you're part of the problem.'

Fuck that, I decided. He could go to jail. I liked having the freedom to play with my barbies.

It stirred up a deep teenage rebellion: I give myself to no cause.

So why do I feel a stern lack of detication to outside causes? I mean, if I had been born at a more appropriate time, I'm sure I would have given my life for God. But never for the state. Never for those that oppose the state.

Maybe it comes from my lack of attachments. I don't know if I trust people to be there to bail me out of jail, so I will fend for myself. Fuck the starving children- I have my own life to live.

Am I selfish, or a realist?
Friday, June 24th, 2005
12:20 am
Arg.

Still angsting over the SGIT situation.

Still failed math.

Much like Nestor's post, except he expresses himself better then I. (Heee hee... lesbian lover for Xmas... yes :D)

Yey for Muroki!
Monday, April 25th, 2005
5:58 pm
Beltaine
I certainly feel dumb. I went over to the Witches Voice, to see if they had any Pagan words of wisdom on the election of a new pope, and I come across all this Beltaine shit. Arg. I feel so out of touch with my Wicca roots. They didn't have naything on the pope either. Funny, you think the Pagan community would be bitching about getting another hardliner conservative.

As for politics: if an election were to be held right now, and I was eligible to vote, I don't think I'd actually go out. You've got Liberals on your left, who basically gave away 120 million to people they thought were shiney, and have spent twice that trying to find out who should be punished for it (Martin, just do us all a favour and flee the country before we have to spend another few million on your trial. Aw, fuck, who am I kidding? Like he'll go to trial). Then, on the right, we have the conservatives, who are against gay marriage.

It's really too bad the entire gay marriage thing is big right now. I don't want to vote to conservatives in and get that taken away. And if that happens, the enxt time the liberals do get voted back in, they're not going to be so passionate on the issue.

I mean, I know politics are basically a loose/loose situation anyway. But I can't even half assedly bring myself to BS myself.

I mean, we were talking in social, and Italy has about 30 different political parties to vote for, every election! 30! Your vote actually does count.

Gar. Life sucsk sometimes.
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
6:06 pm
More tests I jacked from my friends :D This time it was from Mali



Your Inner European is Italian!









Passionate and colorful.

You show the world what culture really is.







You Are 40% Normal

(Somewhat Normal)









While some of your behavior is quite normal...

Other things you do are downright strange

You've got a little of your freak going on

But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself






You Will Die at Age 79



79





You're pretty average when it comes to how you live...

And how you'll die as well.








Your Brain is 26.67% Female, 73.33% Male



You have a total boy brain

Logical and detailed, you tend to look at the facts

And while your emotions do sway you sometimes...

You never like to get feelings too involved







Your Seduction Style: The Coquette





You are a pro at playing the age old game of hard to get.
Your flirting style runs hot and cold, giving just enough to keep them chasing you.
Independent and self-sufficient, you don't need any one person to make you compelte.
And that independence is exactly what makes people pursue you.






You Are 16 Years Old



16





Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.




K, that's creepy. How did they know?
5:52 pm
No one believes me :(
Today I skipped school to go to mass twice. So I missed social. So I go tho the SGIT at the end of the day with the slip from the mass I was supposed to attend.

SGIT: It's too late. Why weren't you in class?
Me: I went to church.
SGIT: (confused, twitchy eye thing) But that was in the morning...
Me: And in the afternoon.
SGIT: (more confused, twitchy eye thing) (It finally computes) Cayley, this is why they split it in two. So you could go to mass once and go to class the other time. Sorry, but it's too late to hand it in.
Me: Damn. (leaves)

I don't think he believed me though. Phst.

My mom didn't believe me either. Thank God, because Muroki and Psycho were at the train station, and Muroki talked to my mom and was like 'Yeah, she actually did skip school to go to mass twice. She wrote notes. I was confused.' Gods blessed her soul.

The day wasn't a total loss though. The SGIT and I were talking this morning, and he said that I could totally hit on gay Jewish guys when we go to the holocaust symposium. Outside of the synagouge though. I suppose the SGIT would be very knowledgable in this area :D

As for the two masses, the second one was better. It was more focused. And the priest read from conclave. Good times.
Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
10:26 pm
Test
Jacked from Chris :D

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:Cayley
Birthday:That's personal
Birthplace:Calgary
Current Location:Clagary
Eye Color:Grey/Blue/Green (you know, that awkward colour that no one can define)
Hair Color:Brown
Height:5'6
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right
Your Heritage:Belgium-inian, German and random other shit
The Shoes You Wore Today:My old, extremely crappy sneakers. But they're so broken in! I lube them!
Your Weakness:My comfort zone of solidarity
Your Fears:Not being true to myself
Your Perfect Pizza:Cheese
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:Do better in all my classes
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:Eww, what smells?
Your Best Physical Feature:I really like how I have those little blond parts in my hair that frame my face
Your Bedtime:10:30-11
Your Most Missed Memory:Self pity
Pepsi or Coke:Coke. Pepsi should die.
MacDonalds or Burger King:McDonalds, but I only say that ebcause I'm a vegetarian, so they have ice cream :D
Single or Group Dates:I haven't been on either, so I'll say... neither.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:Nestea all the way.
Chocolate or Vanilla:Depends what it's in. Like vanilla icecream better though.
Cappuccino or Coffee:I don't drink either.
Do you Smoke:No
Do you Swear:Yes
Do you Sing:Badly
Do you Shower Daily:No, and those who do obviously have issues with germs or have ffaaarrrr too much time.
Have you Been in Love:No
Do you want to go to College:Yes.
Do you want to get Married:If I find the right person
Do you belive in yourself:Yes
Do you get Motion Sickness:No
Do you think you are Attractive:Yes
Are you a Health Freak:I get into spurts, but not overall.
Do you get along with your Parents:To a degree.
Do you like Thunderstorms:Absolutely.
Do you play an Instrument:No.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:No
In the past month have you Smoked:No
In the past month have you been on Drugs:No
In the past month have you gone on a Date:No (Fuck I'm boring)
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:Yes!!!
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:No. ......................................:(
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:Yes
In the past month have you been on Stage:No
In the past month have you been Dumped:No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:No
Ever been Drunk:No
Ever been called a Tease:No
Ever been Beaten up:No
Ever Shoplifted:Once. But I was 8 or something and the item neatly fell out of the package...
How do you want to Die:Knowing I have no regrets
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:Mature.
What country would you most like to Visit:Italy
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:Blue eyes
Favourite Hair Color:Black on guys, blue on women
Short or Long Hair:Doesn't matter. Jesus like hair doens't look good on guys though
Height:Women... around my heigh. Guys.... a few inches taller then me.
Weight:It's not the wight, it's how they feel about themselves.
Best Clothing Style:I like yuppie professional. Something about it is so asexy
Number of Drugs I have taken:0
Number of CDs I own:Not many. 40ish?
Number of Piercings:None
Number of Tattoos:None
Number of things in my Past I Regret:'We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut a door on it.'

CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!
Thursday, April 14th, 2005
11:43 pm
Apologies
To any friend I've ever ignored or didn't see signs of cutting or abuse... I'm sorry.

To any friend I've ever ignored, been rude to or just treated like shit... I'm sorry.

To anyone that has come to me for a crying shoulder and I've brushed them off or made them feel worse... I'm sorry.

To anyone I've ever made feel like shit... I'm sorry.

I wish I knew how to treat my friends better. I wish I knew how to express how awesome each and every one of them are, and how my life would be shit without them. But I don't. And for that I'm sorry.
Monday, April 11th, 2005
3:46 pm
EMERGENCY!!!!!!
We did a test in social today to figure out where I fall in the political spectrum. Guess where I fell? Yeah, that's right- facism.

Facism.A lot of antisemites have come from fascism. So here's the issue: how will I take over the papacy? If I'm fascist, can I have a gay, Jewish husband?
When I take over the island of Corscia, will I have to have some ethnic cleansing policy? I mean, I will have to shove off the French to make room for all the Italians, but I don't want to kill them. Then, who will I settle my island with? Gah.

I'm thinking, I could be a new-aged fascist, with different prejudices and suchforth. But I need help in sorting it all out. I went to the SGIT, but we got stuck at 'Why would a gay Jewish man want to marry you?' So there will be a meeting at lunch to discuss how I will incoperate my new found fascism in with my love of Jewish people and plans to overthrow the papacy.
Sunday, April 10th, 2005
1:17 am
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||| 60%
Stability |||||||||| 33%
Orderliness |||||||||||| 46%
Empathy |||||| 23%
Interdependence |||||||||| 36%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63%
Mystical |||| 16%
Artistic |||||| 23%
Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Hedonism |||||| 23%
Materialism |||||| 30%
Narcissism |||||||||||| 43%
Adventurousness |||||| 30%
Work ethic |||||||||||| 43%
Self absorbed |||||||||||||| 56%
Conflict seeking |||||||||| 36%
Need to dominate |||||||||||| 50%
Romantic || 10%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Anti-authority |||| 16%
Wealth |||||| 23%
Dependency |||||||||||||| 56%
Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56%
Individuality |||||||||||||||| 63%
Sexuality || 10%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Physical security |||||||||||||| 56%
Food indulgent |||||||||||||| 56%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 50%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Vanity |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 63%
Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 63%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
1:05 am
Quiz
It's fucking 1 in the morning, I'm tired, and have a headache. But I've been fucking driving myself insane again. So I'll do quizzes until I force myself asleep.

captain
captain


Which Millenium Organisation (from Hellsing) character art thou?
brought to you by Quizilla

I also realized I need a fuck buddy.
Friday, April 8th, 2005
10:51 pm
On Asexuality....
'Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain
In your brain
And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in your veins
In your veins
Love come quickly
Because I feel my self-esteem is caving in
It's on the brink
Love come quickly
Because I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in my skin

Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
They're morphine
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Rarely seen
Love I beg you
Lift me up into that privileged point of view
The world of two
Love don't leave me
Because I console myself that Hallmark? cards are true
I really do

I'm gunning down romance
It never did a thing for me
But heartache and misery
Ain't nothing but a tragedy

I'm gunning down romance
It never did a thing for me
But heartache and misery
Ain't nothing but a tragedy

Love don't leave me

Take these broken wings
I'm going to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
And learn to fly away
And learn to fly away

I'm gunning down romance.'
-Savage Garden 'Gunning Down Romance'

Warning, major wangsting here...

I hate my asexuality. Hate it hate it hate it hate it.

Whenever I think of it I feel this little ball in my chest. At first, I thought 'Maybe that's the sexuality that I'm repressing.' But I knew I wasn't right. Because that's too easy. If I could repress my sexuality, I would have power over it. I could decide whether I wanted to be sexually attracted to people or not that particular moment. And, as Martin Luther said, herein lies the heart of the problem.

I can't control how I feel. My religion? I could stop practicing that if I wanted. I could even become fucking Christian if I wanted to. But I chose to honour the Gods of ancient Greece because They make me aware of my life, aware of who I am and what I do. But if I found another religion which engaged me even more then the one I currently have, I could switch.

But my asexuality? I can't try to feel something I don't know. When I'm kissing someone, and I feel absolutely disgusted by it, I can't change how I feel about that. I can try to hide it, repress it. But I can never change the fact that I feel completely grossed out by the act.

But no one else seems to feel that way. It's always 'He's hot' or 'She's an ugly whore' or 'Who wants to hear about how I fucked my girlfriend last night?' I can understand these statements on certain levels. Different configurations of the face and body hold different appeals for different people. But I will never understand how these shapes can inspire lust in people, as I have never felt this force for myself.

'I want to fuck him'- why? What power does this lust have over you that makes you want to exchange these bodily fluids?

And I didn't even realize what I was missing. Even when I knew I was asexual, I thought I understood sexual attraction. But then a friend tried to explain it to me, and I realized I have no fucking clue how it feels. And I still don't know what I'm missing. And it hurts so much.

I will never know what it is like to fall for someone based of physical appearance alone. I will never understand why people feel love and sex go together. And when I fall in love, what will it mean? Will I be forced to forfeit someone I truly care about because the second their hand goes under my belt I start crying?

Hell, I don't even need relationships. My crushes thus far have been based on an emotional/mental bond. Having a good chat with someone is what I would estimate my 'orgasm' would be. I'll never be motivated to be in relationships with these people if I can get what I want from a friendhsip. Well, until they find people they fall in love with and I have to admit that maybe, although I considered it a long term relationship, they were always just a friend.

And while I don't understand sexuals, they can't figure me out either. Patrick and Muroki especial don't seem to understand the concept that I am not sexually attracted to anyone. I don't blame them for being confused, as I don't understand how hromones can make them desire someone physically. But it's just another border between me and the rest of the world.

It makes me angry. I will never understand what 99% of the population feels. I know what the answer is- I need to accept myself. But it's so fucking hard when it seems like everyone else is speaking a language I don't even understand ('She's hot' 'I want to fuck him' 'I have a boyfriend') and I have to admit that I will most likely never function in a 'normal' way when it comes to relationships. But I have to. Because I don't want to hate myself forever. I don't want to fear becoming romantically attracted to people. I don't want to force myself into sexual situations if I don't want to be in them. I don't want to spend the rest of my life hoping one day I will feel sexual attraction. Because living for something that might never happen is not living.

Maybe I'll get lucky, and I will discover I am sexual. After all, I'm 16, and I've heard our sexual behaviours are usually set in by around 25. Maybe I'll doscover I'm really hetero/bi/homosexual. Maybe I'll have sex and find out it's not as horrible as I thought it would be. Maybe maybe maybe. But maybe not. And if I can't accept myself when I feel asexual, will I ever accept myself as a sexual?
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