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[18 Feb 2008|02:02pm]
NEW JOURNAL IS UP AND RUNNING!


CHECK YOUR "FRIENDS OF" LIST
AND ADD ME BACK!

IF I FORGOT ANYONE
! COMMENT HERE !
SO I CAN ADD YOU

!!


[ 9 | your voilence is beautiful ]

[28 Dec 2005|12:12pm]
i miss this journal.
[ your voilence is beautiful ]

[19 Jul 2004|10:45am]
[ 22 | your voilence is beautiful ]

you are discusting. [06 Jul 2004|06:39pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

i don't enjoy being fake with people.



......IN FACT- it makes me sick to my stomach.
[ 10 | your voilence is beautiful ]

[02 Jul 2004|03:54pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

yesterday was great.. i think i'm off to quite an amazing start.. i'm trying- and even just the effort is making me smile again. me and briana spent most of the day together yesterday-- i thought it was guna be weird and i didn't know how it was guna go, but oddly-> from the second she stepped into the car, it was non-stop talking and laughing.. i felt like i was hanging out with an old friend. it's almost a relief. i mainly did it all for jon cuz i don't get to hang out with him as much lately and we've been really distant.. but after a while, it wasn't for jon anymore.. *shock* i was actually having fun. we talked, A LOT.. and learned A LOT about each other. i was wrong about her- and it's all because of misinterpreted crap, and jon twisting words around like crazy. watta retard. blagh. anyway.. the last few days, i realized there are people that really and truely care about me, and those are the people that count. i'm through pretending and putting on a fake smile, just to get stepped all over. it's not worth it. thats not friendship. thats bullshit. and no matter what they tell me, and how much they try to put me down- i know i'm worth more than that.. a few days ago someone told me, you're the better person. just leave it alone and walk away.. cuz karma will come back and bite them in the ass. oh what wonderful words [you know who you are]. i'm wasting my life being upset- and i'm wasting my tears on them. friendship isn't supposed to hurt.. and thats all i've been feeling..



so you can leave this knife in my back..
cuz i'm strong enough now to pull it out
with my own bare hands.. and walk away from it all.
sadly, the only thing that'll hurt you,
is thinking you haven't hurt me.
i hate you.

[ 8 | your voilence is beautiful ]

[02 Jul 2004|03:33pm]
i miss jennifer ware, like woah. ♥
[ your voilence is beautiful ]

"friendship" is a dirty game =( [30 Jun 2004|07:23pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

i hate my friends.

i didn't know they're supposed to make u cry

i didn't know they're supposed to stabb u in the back

i didn't know they're supposed to talk shit about you

i didn't know they're supposed to bribe people into getting money for information about u

i didn't know they're supposed to steal your clothes when you're not looking

i didn't know they're supposed to lie right to your face [and swear on it]

i didn't know they're supposed to hit on your boyfriends

i didn't know they're supposed to spread rumors about you

i didn't know they're supposed to put u down every second they get

and i didn't know they were supposed to use things u trusted in telling them, to throw right in ur face later on.


........if i did- i would have never signed up.........

[ 14 | your voilence is beautiful ]

my weekend.. + monday [28 Jun 2004|11:55pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

friday i went to the yankees vs. mets game.. but due to damn mother nature, it got rained out and postponed till sunday afternoon.. took a few picsCollapse )...

saturday was the "cousin's party" with all the family and stuff. it was fun =) my dad is insanely loud.... but yea, it was fun.. me, jon, <3, and my cousins went to shoot off fireworks... well, no, actually- we went to shoot off these things that make a lot of smoke and a loud popping noise =/ yea, then we went to knock over people's garbage cans =/ ..oh brother.. the [trouble makers] yelled at people.. it was quite funny! and again... i have pics from saturdayCollapse )

sunday was the yankee game.. but my brother couldnt go cuz he was going away =( and my dad sat downstairs with his friend.... it was fun though... god damn my cousin is so effin LOUD.. i thought i was guna go deaf..! =/ it was good spending time with her again though.. didn't take any pics, but w/e....

tonight crissy is sleeping over- she's s cute... we had soo much fun today.. we went shopping and bought her like 7 outfits. ((so cute)), did arts and crafts, made a picture frame to put our favorite picture from tonight in. (lol) and did singalongs =) [[for anyone that doesnt know-- crissy is my mom's best friends daughter- she's 6 =)]] so thats all... and god damn this was a long ass entry!.. wow. i'll post more pics tomorrow... later kiddies. <3<3<3<3

[ your voilence is beautiful ]

it wasn't meant to end... [25 Jun 2004|03:13pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

yesterday, i flipped.. i just lost it. i don't even kow what triggered it, but stuff was building up, and i completely lost control. my body went completely numb, i couldn't help but to almost litereally burst into tears.. i ran around like a crazy person, pulling at my hair- i could barely breathe. runing down the stairs to try and find some sanity, i couldnt see where i was going. stumbling down the last few, i was spead walking to the backyard. circling nothing for no reason, wiping my tears as my eyes continued to fill, faster and faster- i couldnt keep up with it.. and i fell to the ground without even realizing it. when i opened my eyes, i was sitting on the grass with my knees to my chest- tears streaming down my face- hair all a mess. my body got up without my mind telling it to. uncontrolably, i ran to the bathroom and grabbed for anything in the medicine cabinet.. my hands couldn't keep any kind of a steady pace, as bottles were all over the floor- again, i fell to the ground, looking for..anything. i don't even know what the prescriptions were, but before i knew it i was swallowing a handfull of pills.. and onto the next bottle, and i couldn't stop myself. and i picked up another bottle, and swallowed more. god what was i doing? with pills still in my hand, i grabbed my keys. shaking like i've never felt before in my life, i ran to my car. i couldn't even open the door. when i finally did, i sat behind the wheel and, screamed.. so loud i thought the windows would shatter. my head fell onto the wheel, with tears soaking my face. i gained the stregnth to start the ignition.. drove to the lake.. got out- and climbed onto the wall that hangs over the water. i just stood there- with no idea what would happen next. my body trembling, hair a mess, trails of mascara continuing down my face. i was gasping for air. i looked below my feet at the water beneath me. roughly i put my palm tomy face, and wiped a tear. trying hard to catch my breath and stop crying, i thought about how easy it would be to fall right in. and all i heard was the sound of my unsteady heart, and uneven breathing.. "don't look down, just fall in, and let yourself sink", i told my self.. "it'll all be over soon." and i took a deep breath, barely even able to hold it- but i let go, and fell.. onto the grass.. i fell to my knees and prayed, deeper than i've ever prayed before.. and the tears stopped, and i stuck my finger down my throat, and everything i swallowed came up.. and i stood there looking at what i tried to do to myself.. and i cried- over what i almost lost. i couldn't believe what had just happened. that i could ever in my life feel that horrible. and i had thanked god for listening to me. i went home- and just cried until i threw up again.. then i fell asleep.. woke up and called him*.. cuz i know he's worth living for.. when he picked up, thats when i started smiling again.. and i knew everything was guna be okay.

[ 4 | your voilence is beautiful ]

bold the ones you've done... [20 Jun 2004|06:50pm]
[ mood | bored ]

bold the one's you've doneCollapse )

[ 2 | your voilence is beautiful ]

[15 Jun 2004|06:49pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

i've been isolating myself from the world a lot lately. i just feel like i don't have time for anyone, but i have all the time in the world. like i can't be bothered, but i have nothing better to do. i get annoyed so easily. i can't stand most of the the people that come near me lately. i wana scream so fucking loud.. make everyone deaf.. make them all feel completely helpless and stranded- make them notice me, just a little. i'm so tired of people walking all over me- and not even noticing.. passing by like i'm invisible... i awlays feel like the world is against me, like there's this big plan that everyone's in on, except me.. i don't feel like anyone genuinly cares. and thats why i just want to get away from them all. i don't even want to talk to any of my friends that i used to be so close with. i don't feel like i have an real friends at all. it's all one sided, and i never get anything in return. i hate it all.. and everything hurts. it hurts to realize the people you though the world of, don't think of you at all. it kills to hear them talk about you.. and it scars everytime i let it happen again. i hate trust, i hate love.. but most of all, i hate myself for believing in those words..

[ 4 | your voilence is beautiful ]

how do you sleep when you're scared to death of dreaming? [13 Jun 2004|12:29pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

.....i had the most awful dream last night.....

(i need you to say goodbye- even in my dreams..
cuz it still hurts to have u in my mind)


"once again, in self defense i wont sleep a wink.. to prevent dreaming of you"



"sleep away, a silent pain, screaming out my name

i hope for your sake that you dont wake up as broken as i am

i know that some day you will wake up as lonely as i am

cause fate works both ways"

[ 1 | your voilence is beautiful ]

shania twain [06 Jun 2004|03:26pm]

"hope life's been good to you
since you've been gone
i'm doing fine now, i've finally moved on
it's not so bad, i'm not that sad

i'm not surprised just how well i survived
i'm over the worst, and i feel so alive
i can't complain i'm free again.

and it only hurts when i'm breathing
my heart only breaks when it's beating
my dreams only die when i'm dreaming
so, i hold my breath, to forget

don't think i'm lying around crying at night
there's no need to worry, i'm really all right
i've never looked back as a matter of fact.

.....it only hurts when i breathe"

[ 2 | your voilence is beautiful ]

got bored.... [02 Jun 2004|10:35pm]
[ mood | bored ]

stolen from likesbubblewrap <33

FIRSTS
First job: working in my grandma's office answering phones. lol. oh, and babysitting
First screen name: jeni816
First funeral: GG Mary
First pet: sandy, my kitty =( she died a few years ago =( she was pretty old lol)
First piercing: ears
First kiss: matt :-p
First enemy: hmm, i dunno about ENEMY.. but the first person i EVER got mad at was nora..<33 but she was my best friend(and still is) and i was like 2 years old, so she was prolly my only friend, and well, i got mad at something- prolly her playing with one of my dolls or something.

LASTS
Last car ride: comming back from piercing myself =O
Last kiss: wouldn't you love to know :X <3333
Last library book checked out: library! HA!
Last movie watched: Trading Mom
Last beverage drank: kiwi strawberry snapple
Last food consumed: soup
Last phone call: benny
Last time showered: this morning =)
Last CD played: bob marley :-p
Last website visited: www.illwillpress.com

STUFF
Single or Taken: you figure it out ;) <33
Sex: girlll
Birthday: august 16, 1985
Sign: LEO
Siblings: joe-22, jon-16
Hair color: light brown-ish
Eye color: green-- depends on what i'm wearing, or what mood i'm in--- WeiRd
Shoe size: 8
Height: 5'4.. AND A HALF

RIGHT NOW
Wearing: pink tank top, grey zipper down sweatshirt, and strawberry shortcake PJ pants
Drinking: the snapple
Thinking: .....should i do my homeowkr now or wake up early tomorrow morning????....
Listening to: the mix on my comp.. currently Keepsake

[ 1 | your voilence is beautiful ]

he doesnt deserve to be called dad. [30 May 2004|12:48pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

he makes me feel like i don't belong anywhere. like i'm not worthy of breathing his air.. like no matter how wrong he is, he's still right. and what am i supposed to do, when no one's on my side?.. when i'm screaming my head off and people are walking by.. and he makes them just walk by like that. he makes me crazy. i just need to get away from here- some place i can be treated like a human being.. it's absurd that he calls me disrespectful. i've never treated either of them with disrespect in my entire life.. it's just not i'm just not good enough..ever. believe it or not, i do try.. i try so fuckin hard.. to make everyone happy.. to please the world him. i hate it all so much. i pray every night before i go to sleep.. sometimes i just pray i won't wake up. my ears are bleeding me deaf.. i can't take the screaming anymore. my eyes are drying out.. i can't take the crying anymore. you make me hate myself. when i try so hard, only to end up crying even harder. i don't even wana finish this entry.. i give up.

[ your voilence is beautiful ]

let the posting begin :-p [24 May 2004|07:35pm]
[ mood | curious ]

think i need a change in hairstyle. i dunno, i'm getting pretty bored of my hair. i duno what to do with it.... dye? highlights? cut? grow? bangs? ugh.. but i dont wana look stupid.. lol..i'll post pics.. u post ideas.

 

this should be interesting.....Collapse )

[ 7 | your voilence is beautiful ]

slowly erasing you... [20 May 2004|12:42pm]
[ mood | scared ]

my love, nothing was ever real with us. i convinced myself so hard, cuz i wanted to believe so bad.. now my eyes are wide open and those gates are closed. darling, i could have died for your words.. now i just feel dead cause i believed them.  and remembering us, hurts so much- because i couldn't see anything past your gorgeous eyes. i never noticed that yellow part of them.. that lying decieving part.. i so lost in what i thought they were. i just was so blinded by what i wanted us to be, i couldn't accept what we actually were. now i can see it all.. now that i'm strong enough to walk away from you.. and you're already gone. with nothing to walk away from, i feel so weak. like everything i gained was just no use if i can't throw it in your face. god, i thought i'd never be able to live a day without you.. cuz everytime i started for forget you, you'd call, and we'd become friends again, and get back together. and i tried harder every time. it wasn't worth it. nothing is worth what you put me through. i think about all the excuses, and all the lies, and everything so fake.. and what i have now- and it's so real, it almost makes me want to cry. i feel like i don't deserve it, but i deserve all of it at the same time. everything is so perfect.. then you came back.. with that predictable phone call. only this time, i felt nothing.. and when you asked "what's so special about this guy?" ..all i said was "..he's everything you're not."

the last 5 years were just pretend..

and you'll go through your life pretending. no doubt you'll forget all about me. and continue your pathetic life, getting by on lies and cheating.. but me, i'll never forget you.. you were the biggest mistake that i could never forget to never make again....

scared to leave my past.. afraid to forget you.. but strong enough to walk away from it all
[ 5 | your voilence is beautiful ]

[10 May 2004|06:41pm]
[ mood | sad ]

that one word brings me to tears.. i can't even speak it without feeling that lump in my throat.. i hesitate to say it, but when i finally gain courage, i get chills all down my spine... the cancer that tears apart his family. god, it even hurts to type it. and when i saw him the other day, at crissy's communion party.. i'll never forget that. it was awful..

.........i walked right passed him.. i turned back, and when our eyes met, i realized it was him. i felt the tears well up in my the back of my eyes. the medication makes him barely even recognizable. i asked him how he was.. stumbling over his words, he lost himself in a sentence. i wanted to help him through the sentence- make him make sense.. but he gave up and turned his attention else where. i watched him, watching his kids. they were smiling so hard, i could almost feel how much their jaws hurt from laughter.. and it hurt to look at them- then look at him- and know they're losing him. their laughter was so loud, it made me wana cry. and i wanted to scream and yell- until someone up there heard me- and cured him. but it's no use.. i'll scream myself to death.. it won't save him.. so i'm stuck here, with these prayers inside my head. every night.. i'm stuck inside my head. can't anyone hear me?! now i'm yelling at the top of my lungs.. it's all just echoing through my head. i just want to save them.. i want to hear his wife laugh again.. i want to see him smile again.. i never wana see his kids cry over him.. i just want to cure it all... god, cure it all.

his familyCollapse )

[ 13 | your voilence is beautiful ]

and lots of friction.. [02 May 2004|10:40am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

i love the way my hands fits in yours.. like they should have been created that way or something.. and when they slowly unlock, i feel them graze my body.. so gentle it barely feels like hands. they continue down, and i almost lose control.. something about your touch that makes everything almost unreal. all i keep thinking about is how i never wana move.. that i'm scared to leave and never feel like this again.. and i don't want it to end.. then our bodies meet, and you hold me so close.. and i know it won't end.. and i feel perfect.. like nothng could ever go wrong.. just cuz, you wouldn't let it. and you never have to say a word for me to know it's all true.. and that it's all real. with your skin on mine, and our bodies intertwined- it's like magic. and we're closer than ever.. it's like you're like heaven to me.. ..(and lots of friction)..

[ 10 | your voilence is beautiful ]

[25 Apr 2004|05:01pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

MTV- please please make urself better. i'm so sick of your stuff.. you've totally sold out. i know i've said it before.. but you've turned my favorite bands into complete crapp thrown to the bottom of my list. i am so completely embarrased to say that i used to like simple plan. i even saw them in concert. now i wouldn't even think of telling anyone that. i've hated them since the very first day i saw them on your channel. you kill everything. you used to be so cool. but now you suck. terrible, terrible.. oh it's just awful.  ugh, music television sucks mutherfuckin ass.. I LOVE IT, I HEAR IT ON UR GAY ASS CHANNEL.. AND I HATE IT. die television, die.

dissapointed viewer.

[ 18 | your voilence is beautiful ]

wish i lived in neverland* [21 Apr 2004|02:04pm]
[ mood | angry ]

went to visit st.pius yesterday.. *sigh* everything's so different... none of the same teachers are there.. not even mrs.o'hara.... thats sad.. that lady worked there for like 30 something years.. she had me and both my brothers.. =( o boy.. i miss my childhood. *sniffle* growing up is horrible. i hate it. although i do prolly act more like a kid than most 5 year olds, but thats besides the point. college sucks ass. i feel dumber every day i go there.. i'm leaving with a crap ton less than i came with. man.. i miss high school like nothing else. geeze, time passes wayyy tooo god damn quickly.. i hate it! >:O


"i'm gonna stay eighteen forever.. so we can stay like this forever"-brand new

[ your voilence is beautiful ]

pictures [19 Apr 2004|12:58pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

went to the spot where i always walk to, just to sit and think. this time i took my little brother, and it was just great. its so much different during the day..

the spotCollapse )

[ 10 | your voilence is beautiful ]

[15 Apr 2004|11:16pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

went for a walk.. those 20 minutes felt like a lifetime.. i sat by the water- where i always sit and reflect. but this time, all i saw was my reflection. and i stared at it, staring back at me- and wondered who the hell it was. i saw a drop fall into the water, ruining that image and my only friend. the ripples flowed out to beyond where i could even see. then another drop fell, and another, and another.. i touched my face and realized they were comming from my eyes. the pain built up and left its evidence of black trails down my face. all i could do was throw my head into my hands and grieve in my own disparity. i don't know how things got like this. all i could think about was how badly i wish things were different. how badly i want my brother to stop smoking, how badly i need my grandma back, how badly it hurts to watch my aunt scream in pain over ovarian cists, how much i hate having to see the only grandma i now have- taking blood tests every day- having to worry about her health and what she eats and how much worse her condition is getting every day of her life. i hate hearing my mom fall apart, i hate the fact that dispite everything thats going on, my dad still beats the shit out of my brothers. and more than anything on earth, i hated having to get up from that spot, knowing i have to walk back to it all. i didn't wana go home- more than anything i wanted to sit there a little longer. even if it was only to cry a little harder, and feel a little worse about myself. but i got up, wiped away my running makeup and hopped off the stone wall. walked home with my shadow to keep me company, and reached for my keys. i could hear the screaming from outside. put the key in the door, and started to turn it, when i felt my eyes fill quicker than they ever have before. it was so uncontrolable. i prayed to god it would stop so no one would see me like this. i went inside, without even being noticed. went upstairs, shut the door, and blasted my music. went to get my books when i heard my brother say "i don't fuckin care.. i'll kill you and i'll kill myself" i don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. everything is fucking falling apart. god, i'd do anything to make it all stop.

[ 2 | your voilence is beautiful ]

i hate dreaming* [15 Apr 2004|09:55am]
[ mood | sad ]

i hate falling asleep.. i dream of your face. you're right next to me. you're always next to me, i wake up and every morning, and all over again i have to tell myself it wasn't real- you're not really there. having to get over the fact that it was just a dream.. every time.. is the worst feeling in the world. trying to make myself understand that you're not comming back doesn't seem to register. like i just don't get it. there's nothing to get. we're over- plain and simple.. forever. sadly, i'd do anything to see you right now- for your number to show up on my phone.. this morning.. i would have done anything to wake up and see "one missed call" from you. but you'd never even dare....... you'll never even look back.. and thats what hurts the most..

[ your voilence is beautiful ]

i'll never let you down* [14 Apr 2004|01:24pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i can't be your stregnth when i can't even be my own. i can't keep this smile on the outside when all i wana do is break down and cry. it hurts, and i wana break and tell you about my pain.. but i won't do that, cause i know i've got to stay strong for you. i'm so tired, but i don't dare let you down. as long as you're alive, i will carry you.. if my arms die down and my legs no longer stand, my heart will carry all your weight until you walk away.... no matter how much it hurts, i'll never let you see the real me.. cause it will kill you.. to see how weak i really am.

[ your voilence is beautiful ]

[12 Apr 2004|11:18pm]
[ mood | bored ]

yea, i went to like two classes today(i had 5). eh, just didn't feel like it- bla bla... hung out with ash.. then came home and watch ms.usa.  sorry but there's some crazy ugly girls on there.... if they're the one's representingtheir state, i hate to see what the rest of them look like=/ i don't even remember which state won.. i remember my mom making fun of the winner's dress from the very beginning and my mom wanting north carolina to win cuz her last name was puleo..(puleo is her maiden name) she's so convincedd she's related to her, lol. o boy..well, yea i got bored and stole this surgey... i lubb u linda!!fun stuffCollapse )

[ 6 | your voilence is beautiful ]

and it just gets worse... [09 Apr 2004|06:59pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

i'm trying to be strong. i'm trying not to let this stuff bother me.. but it's really hard when you watch the strongest people in ur life fall to pieces. when i heard my mom crying the other day, i had no idea what to do.. and before i knew it, i couldn't control my own tears. it's hard to stay strong for someone who has been your strength all these years. my little brother has stopped sleeping at night.. he lives off coffee, and started smoking. his psychologist apparently isn't helping too much. as much as i know he's a strong kid and thought he'd brush this off, surprisingly, it's really gotten to him. he's not the same at all anymore. not even to me. maybe i'm the only one that noticed the difference cuz i'm so close to him.. it's horrible... everything.. everyone.. is changing.. i hate change. sometimes i miss *him*. mostly i don't.. but he was the one thing that never changed. so many years- he was like home.. you know no matter where u are or where you've gone, you can always go back for reassuring safe feeling. the one thing that never changes, and brings you right back to a place where everything's guna be ok.. man, i just want everything to back back to how it was when i was 5.. nothin to worry about.. no broken hearts, no painful changes.. where anytime i got hurt, my mom would put a bandaid on me, and kiss it better.. and it was that simple. you can't put a bandaid of any of this. and the hurt won't go away by kissing it. i would do anything to make it all better..

and if i had the chance, i would have picked my brother up from school that day.. i'd take the ovarian cists for my aunt.. i'd change my dad's childhood and make him never want to hit my brothers again.. i'd cry a million tears each day to never see them fall from my mom's eyes again.. i'd take the bottle away from my grandpa.. i'd find a cure for cancer and bring my grandma back.. i'd give my life to take their hurt away..

if you talk to the angels, tell them they forget about someone.
[ 11 | your voilence is beautiful ]

<33 [08 Apr 2004|12:22am]
[ mood | loved ]

i might be falling too hard too fast.. but i can't help it.. cuz when i look into ur eyes, i know you'd never hurt me.. and somehow, you don't ever have to say a word, for me to believe it all. i don't know how i'm letting myself let u in, when i'm so terrified of everything.. but you're still there helping to tear down those walls so many others helped build.. you've never given up.. and you'll never know how much that means to me.. and i don't think you'll ever know how much you mean to me...

[ 2 | your voilence is beautiful ]

dum bee dumm [02 Apr 2004|03:59pm]
[ mood | amused ]

i'm guna post some pictures later... i'm so effing bored.... here--> let this keep u busy for a little...

[ your voilence is beautiful ]

[01 Apr 2004|09:24am]
bored
[ 3 | your voilence is beautiful ]

[30 Mar 2004|02:46pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

i go out of my way to make sure i never see you again.. how could i be so careless as to bump into you the other day? your face discusts me. i thought i was breaking, thought i was starting to miss you, almost picked up the phone to call you once... but seeing you there, with your back hair, and your black sweatshirt.. black pants, and black sneakers.. seeing your eyes again- those big green eyes that looked straight into mine so many times, and swore against your lies.. your mouth that let those excuses tumble out with every sound you utterd.. how dare you ask "whats up", as if you actually care.. how dare you wait for a response, as if you even deserve one. you make me sick.. gave you halfa smile out of pitty.. and out of pure discust, i pushed passed you as quick as i could. you remind me of everything this hate stands for. the reason why i get sick to my stomach whenever i'm reminded of you or our past. all those fucking wasted years.. i gave you so much of myself, it makes me wana throw up everytime i think about it now. 

[ 3 | your voilence is beautiful ]

why does my cousin live in yonkers? =( [26 Mar 2004|08:47pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

why can't i accept the fact that you're gone.. and that you're not comming back.. sometimes i feel like it was all a dream. sometimes, i wish it really was all just a dream..</p> </p>i was driving my cousin home, when i realized how close she lives to you... and thats when it all happened.. passed your appartment , then the CVS where i got lost the first time i drove there.. then the diner we ate in.. then i passed your job, and i looked for your car. i just wanted to see something to let me know you're close by. it wasn't there. and i reminded myself that you aren't either.. i continued towards her house and passed the park where we went when we cut school... remember those days?.. of course you don't.. remember our first kiss? of course you don't.. well, it was 11/12/99.. it still feels like yesterday. i remember every moment of that day. you wouldn't believe the things i remember.. mostly, i wish i could forget them. but they were the best days of my life. now every single day hurts.. i'm so lost.. i'm sorry.. i can't help it anymore.. i miss you.. i really do.. i want to just pick up the phone and call you.. you'd just tell me you were busy and you'd call me back.. and that'd be the end.. until the next time i break down again. you wouldn't believe how badly i just want to see you right now. why am i doing this to myself? i hate you.. i hate you so much.. i love you. i can't help it. i don't want to let go. i can't move forward. i wish you'd just look back. cuz i'm still here.. wishing i could just feel your fingers inbetween mine.. i want to lay in your arms.. with our tangled legs, and beating hearts. twisted sheets, and bare skin.. that was my only comfort on the world. now what? cuz i don't even know where i am.. or where to go. i'm so lost without you. i'd do anything for this feeling to end.</p>

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how broken i am... [25 Mar 2004|01:29pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

it makes me wana cry.. when i think about how i am. about how much i want to love.. how much i want to be loved.. but somehow i won't allow it. i'm sorry, i'm trying so hard. it hurts. i wish you'd understand. you mean so much to me. i wish you wouldn't give up. but i don't deserve you. i'd give you the world if i could... i'd crumble it in my hand, and i'd wrap it.. i'd even put a bow on it for you.. i'd write a note that says "it's all for you" on the top.. and i'd give it to you. it makes me want to scream that i can't actually do that. my eyes are getting watery.. make it stop. i hate falling apart like this.. you're the only one that can stop my tears... i wish you'd know to call me right now.. sometimes i wish you could read my mind, so you'd know everything i say and do.... is all for you.... i wish you could see, i'd give my life for you.. i'd swim the atlantic ocean if you asked me to.. but one day you'll live an amazing life.. with someone who deserves you.. who wants what you want, and can give all of themself to you.. i hope you find in someone, everything i'm missing, and all i wish i could be..

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survey [21 Mar 2004|03:41pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates aten
your best quality isyoure hot but modest about it
your worst quality isnothing! youre perfect hun
this is becauseIts who you are
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!
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this should be interisting... [21 Mar 2004|12:20am]
[ mood | amused ]

(_) I NEVER HAVE SAID INSERT YOU FOOLCollapse )

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ps- shut the fuck up [20 Mar 2004|02:56pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

why is everyone still giving me i told you so's? i dont' wana think about it- he makes me fucking sick to my stomach.... why does everyone insist on asking me questions when i'm happily erasing each and every memory of him day by day.. leave me the fuck alone, and let me go back to forgetting... i'm sick of ur questions...NO, i haven't talk to that sorry excuse for a human being.. NO, i don't want to hear his fucking discusting voice.. NO, i'm not ignoring him.. it's hard to ignore something that's not there. NO, i haven't seen his pathetic face.. NO, i don't want him back... NO, i don't fucking regret one thing i ever said to him.. NO, i don't believe for one second that any of it was ever real..... AND NO, i don't fucking think he ever thinks about me either.....

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[19 Jan 2004|07:19pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

so i guess everyone was right. god i hate admiting that. i can't even put into words the disappointment i feel right now. i thought it'd be different. i always thought "we" would be different from everyone else. like it didn't matter what people were saying, or what happened in the past, or anything, cuz i felt like we'd always make it through. but man, it hurts to replay the words he said to me. but it seems to be the only thing lingering in my head. hour after hour, i can't help it. i wana forget it all. sometimes i wish i never met him. sometimes i wish i could erase everything and never feel this pain. but the love i felt was so amazing, i really don't think i'd ever take any of that back for anything in the world. and i know i'll move on, and i know i'll get over it- it just kinda, well, sUcKs right now. you know? like everything is chaging right in front of me, and he's always been that one thing that's just, always there and never changed. now i feel like things are really comming to an end when the only thing you could rely on for comfort and safety and reassurance, faded away along with everything else. i can still hear him talking. like a knife through my heart. i know he didn't do any of it on purpose and i dont blame him for any of it, at all. i just.... i guess i'm mad at myself for letting it happen. i really don't know. truth is, even after all of this is said and done, and i've moved on, he'll never leave my heart. i know he won't. nothing compares. it's like, he's guna be in the back of my mind forever. i'll settle down and live my life, and i have no doubts it will be with the guy of my dreams, but i know, he'll always be in the back of my mind, cuz the reality of it all is, he showed me love. he taught me how to love. he made me so much of what i am today, that will never ever leave me. no matter how far i am, he's always guna be so close. if i could say one last think to him, i wouldn't confess my love to him, or beg him to stay. i wouldn't recite our past, or live in our memories. i wouldn't give reasons to stay together, or explain all he means to me.. i'd keep all of that silenced in my heart.. and just tell him "thank you."--> for everything. for what he's given me, taught me, shared with him, and for what he's made me. i know he's going to live a great happy life with someone so perfect and amazing for him- and while i wish that person was me, i'm hoping he finds love and feels about her the way i feel about him. cuz i know when he finds that- that's all he'll ever need to live the rest of his life in complete happiness. and he deserves it. so if by any chance, this could happen to get to him- thank you. from the bottom of my heart for showing me what true love is.

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"i wana hate u so bad, but i can't stop this anymore than u can" [19 Jan 2004|07:00pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

"i didn't want it to mean that much to me"

well, so much for "following my heart"=( i really thought like this time would be diferent from all the other times. he's still the same, and he'll always be. he doesn't know what he wants, and it just hurts so much to even know him. all i wanted was to be with him. nothing more, nothing less. he said so many things to me, and made so many "promises", it was soo hard to not get attached, again. it's like, just when i can finally let go-> he comes back into my life.

he'll never understand how much he gurts me. yesterday was terrible. i felt so pathetic and helpless. thats not me. i've never taken a breakup so bad. i duno whats wrong with me. at 7am i had this crazy panic attack, then i threw up. i was litereally worrying myself sick. i hate admiting how much he's affected my life. it's been such a long time with us.. i duno man.. i need to move on. it fuckin sucks, but these tears won't last forever. i need to get him out of my life. as much as this kills me, i don't want to sit here crying anymore.

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crush me baby, i'm all ears [17 Jan 2004|11:19pm]
[ mood | worried ]

[x] wana kick my own ass [x]

i'm just waiting for that phone call. you know the one that always starts out "we need to talk..." i just wish i could be proven wrong, so i could prove the rest of the world wrong.

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