its not unnatural to feel like you lost it all.

Wed, 24 Mar 2004 02:18:26 GMT

i moved. sexontherocks add me there and ill add you back. duh.

boooooooooooook

Tue, 23 Mar 2004 21:19:44 GMT

EVERYONE! RECOMMEND A BOOK FOR ME TO READ! NOW NOW NOW NOW!

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 19:53:34 GMT

actually, keep me on your friends lists. im not going to write anything i just want to read.

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 01:43:29 GMT

peace out livejournal land. im fucking gone. this means im taking you all off of my friends list and i would expect you to do the same.

spring

Sun, 21 Mar 2004 20:22:41 GMT

yesterday was ultra fabulous. even getting up at 5am and standing in line for 3 hours was fabulous. free ritas and only wearing 3 layers instead of the usual 5 or 6. there should be more days like yesterday.

remember the last time i told you i loved you?

Sat, 20 Mar 2004 02:02:42 GMT

i remember thinking and i always thought it would be better than this. we fight and strive to feel what we think we are supposed to feel. life is made up of relationships. relationships with our family, our friends, over lovers, whatever. relationships are what can build us up and make us happy or tear us down and make it harder than anything else to just stay awake. its awful to wish that there were no relationships, no one else to worry about besides ourselves. but, what would be the point if we were just living for ourselves. so when you really care about someone it comes down to choosing yourself or choosing them. you can either choose to be selfish and take everything for granted and not appreciate anything or you can appreciate what you have and what you want and what it is to make someone else happy, if it takes letting go. ive had chances to choose and ive chosen myself and the results werent what i was looking for. sure the drugs were good, they made me forget for a little while, maybe be "happy". it starts out with something small and leads up to something so much bigger and by the time you realize whats going on you are so out of control its sickening. now, if i had a chance to go back to june and start over knowing what i know now there would be so much that i would change. maybe i would have waited to find someone amazing and someone i actually cared about to give myself to and it wouldnt be what it is. maybe i wouldnt have done what ive done or experienced what i have. sitting outside in the afternoons when i come home from school i can hear the grass moving in the wind and sometimes it makes me cry. its been there all my life but just now ive taken my time to notice little things like that. but now is a time when the books i read are better than reality.

ps; im pretty sure my dad is moving back to delaware. he is applying right now to take some vet-tech program. ashley= super OMGZ! excited.

there is no forever, just this.

Sat, 13 Mar 2004 18:46:36 GMT

i'm at a point of giving up. i've cried more in the last two days than i have in months. i'm glad you can smile because i can't and you have to do it for me. i don't know why i even take the time to pretend anymore, it takes too much energy. so the only thing i've left is sleep because my thoughts are too exhausting. i wish i could just leave my brain, just for a little while..

you can tell me how vile i already know that i am

Sat, 13 Mar 2004 01:00:14 GMT

i dont know if ive told you enough. but i miss you. i miss you so much. </3

you rusted all your armor

Fri, 12 Mar 2004 01:15:06 GMT

now that you are gone, and out of my life it seems harder than it was when you were right in the middle of things. and i would always wish for this when i didnt have to worry about you anymore because i thought it would make things easier. really, it just makes me feel more empty inside. its really disgusting the things i do to try to make myself not feel anything for you anymore but it doesnt matter because everything reminds me of you. i just want to hear your voice. i say it al the time how pathetic i am but now i think im reaching a new point in pathetic-ness. now im starting to disgust myself because things werent that great when you were there i was just a whole lot happier. i dont even know what to do with myself anymore. why do i always make the wrong decision?

goodness gracious.

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 03:59:28 GMT

aw guess what? i fucking hate you. =D

tomorrow is my last day here before i leave for my short little vacation. thank god im getting out of here.

inhale. exhale.

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 01:08:33 GMT

i finally got a haircut today. its been 3 months, and finally i got one. its awfully short but by next week it will have grown out alittle and ill be more comfortable.

hang the dj

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 12:29:05 GMT

oh yeah, guess what? i dont care. its a nice thing not caring. i would also like to say, the only thing i miss are the old days. now life seems like such a hassle. lets takes it back to september and go from there. peace out son and daughters.

goodness

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 16:41:12 GMT

im making my friend cortney a winter mix cd and i have a few ideas for songs but i was wondering if you guys had suggestions. the cd is titled, winter: it's supposed to be about new beginnings but ive still got a broken heart. its just really a super sad cd. yeah so if anyone has suggestions telllllll me.

and then there is this:
Survey
1. Copy the following list into your livejournal.
2. Bold the movies you've seen.
3. Add five more movies that you've seen to the bottom of the list.
4. Pass it on.

1. X-Men
2. The Craft
3. X2
4. Swimfan
5. Fellowship of the Ring
6. Finding Nemo
7. Peter Pan (Disney version)
8. Home Alone
9. Aladdin
10. The Ring
11. 10 Things I Hate About You
12. Not Another Teen Movie
13. Spice World
14. 8 Mile
15. Bambi
16. Pirates of the Caribbean
17. Edward Scissorhands
18. Stepmom
19. My Best Friend's Wedding
20. 101 Dalmatians
21. Scream
22. Scream 2
23. Scream 3
24. Big Daddy
25. Billy Madison
26. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
27. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
28. Heartbreakers
29. Dumb & Dumber
30. Two Week's Notice
31. Scary Movie
32. Look Who's Talking
33. Blade
34. Blade II
35. O
36. Titanic
37. Carrie
38. Carrie 2: The Rage
39. Daddy Day Care
40. Legally Blonde
41. Austin Powers
42. Storm of the Century
43. Oliver and Company
44. The Two Towers
45. Return of the King
46. Mighty Ducks
47. Fast and the Furious
48. 2 Fast, 2 Furious
49. A Walk To Remember
50. XXX
51. Beauty and the Beast
52. I Know What You Did Last Summer
53. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
54. The Sound of Music
55. Mary Poppins
56. Tuck Everlasting
57. The Patriot
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Teaching Mrs. Tingle
60. Crossroads
61. Now and Then
62. Pearl Harbor
63. Just Married
64. Cast Away
65. Radio Flyer
66. Final Destination
67. Lady and the Tramp
68. Shallow Hal
69. 40 Days and 40 Nights
70. Bring It On
71. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
72. The Outsiders
73. The Matrix
74. Perfect Storm
75. Cruel Intentions
76. Never Been Kissed
77. Clueless
78. Bruce Almighty
79. Remember the Titans
81. Girl, Interrupted
82. SWAT
83. Sixth Sense
84. Phone Booth
85. The Lion King
86. Urban Legends
87. Nightflier
88. Lion King 2
89. Little Mermaid
90. American Pie
91. Center Stage
92. Scooby Doo
93. Bedazzled
94. Mrs. Doubtfire
95. Save the Last Dance
96. My Girl
97. American Beauty
98. Romeo & Juliet
99. Lost World
100. Casper
101. Miss Congeniality
102. The Rock
103. Face/Off
104. Moulin Rouge
105. Sleeping Beauty
106. Alien
107. Tombstone
108. Lake Placid
109. The Recruit
110. The Shining
111. Pocahontas
112. Win a Date with Tad Hamilton
113. Koyaanisqatsi
114. Princess Mononoke
115. Braveheart
116. Gone With the Wind
117. She's All That
118. Heavy Metal
119. Remo Williams
120. Fried Green Tomatoes
121. Steel Magnolias
122. Fight Club
123. Star Wars
124. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
125. Small Soldiers
126. Clerks
127. Magnolia
128. Wild Things
129. The Nightmare Before Christmas
130. What Dreams May Come
131. Fierce Creatures
132. Frequency
133. The Others
134. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
135. Along Came A Spider
136. Annie (1982 version)
137. Eyes Wide Shut
138. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
139. Practical Magic
140. Down With Love
141. The Fifth Element
142. Donnie Darko
143. Kiki's Delivery Service
144. Big Fish
145. Chasing Amy
146. Unbearable Lightness of Being
147. Parent Trap
148. Great Expectations
149. Bridges of Madison County
150. I am Sam
151. Life as a House
152. Prince of Tides
153. Kill Bill Vol. 1
154. Bowling For Columbine
155. Elf
156. Spun
157. Weekend at Bernie's
158. The House of Mirth
159. The Rose
160. Chocolat
161. Requiem for a Dream
162. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
163. Mask
164. Gia
165. Secretary
166. The Big Lebowski
167. Rushmore
168. Return to Me
169. Muppets Take Manhattan
170. The X-Files: Fight The Future
171. Moonstruck
172. Happy Gilmore
173. Mona Lisa Smile
174. Bad Boys
175. Bad Boys 2
176. The Delta Force
177. A League of Their Own
178. Murder by Death
179. The Hot Chick
180. Shrek
181. Groundhog Day
182. Liar Liar
183. House of Sand & Fog
184. Adventures in Babysitting
185. Monty Python & the Holy Grail
186. Hedwig & the Angry Inch
187. As Good As It Gets
188. Murder By Numbers
189. The Unsaid
190. 12 Monkeys
191. Igby Goes Down
192. The Mummy
193. The New Guy
194. Girl
195. And Starring Pancho Villa As Himself
196. Valentine
197. Wag the Dog
198. Spirited Away
199. Almost Famous
200. Royal Tenenbaums
201. Citizen Kane
202. Lost In Translation
203. Sid and Nancy
204. Empire Records
205. Suspiria
206. Niagara Niagara
207. Sweethearts (w/ Janeane Garofalo)
208. Dead Man Walking
209. My Dog Skip
210. American History X
211. Minority Report
212. Spaceballs
213. The Last of the Mohicans
214. The Mists of Avalon (TV version)
215. The Horseman on the Roof (French version)
216. The Birdcage (with Robin Williams and Nathan Lane)
217. Peter Pan (2003)
218. Frailty
219. Men of Honor
220. Meet the Parents
221. Bend It Like Beckham
222. Speed
223. The Count of Monte Cristo (1934)
224. Highlander
225. Die Hard
226. The Goonies
227. The Last Unicorn
228. Monsters, Inc.
229. Muriel's Wedding
230. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
231. Cold Mountain
232. Battle Royale
233. Tampopo
234. A Face In the Crowd
235. Tigerland
235. Road Trip
236. Better than Chocolate
237. Y tu mama tambien
238. Vertigo
239. Ordinary People
240. Plata Quemada
241. Dil Se
242. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
243. Man with a Movie Camera (1929)
244. Some Like It Hot
245. Andrei Rublev
246. A Matter of Life and Death
247. Metropolis
248. Dawn of the Dead
249. Ed Wood
250. My Beautiful Laundrette
251. The Killer
252. The Princess Bride
253. Gallipoli
254. Black Hawk Down
255. Aliens
256. Breakfast At Tiffany's
257. Pitch Black
258. Casablanca
259. My Fair Lady
260. Monster's Ball
261. Death Becomes Her
262. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
263. What Lies Beneath
264. Boondock Saints
265. Velvet Goldmine
266. Elizabeth
267. Anne of the Thousand Days
268. Doctor Zhivago
269. Chicago
270. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
275. Whale Rider
276. Victor/Victoria
277. Sense and Sensibility
278. Freaky Friday
279. Love Actually
280. The Philadelphia Story
281. Roman Holiday
282. What a Girl Wants
283. Zoolander
284. Count of Monte Cristo (with Jim Caviezel)
285. Amelie
286. Dave
287. Brother Bear
288. A Wrinkle In Time
289. Rabbit Proof Fence
290. Bram Stoker’s Dracula
291. Benny and Joon
292. October Sky
293. Mulan
294. Singing in the Rain
295. The Ninth Gate
296. Legend of the Red Dragon
297. Robin Hood: Men in Tights
298. Resident Evil 1
299. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
300. Playing Mona Lisa
301. The Man from Snowy River
302. Lady Hawke
303. Camelot
304. Catch Me if You Can
305. Holes
306. The Matrix: Reloaded
307. Cookie's Fortune
308. Crazy In Alabama
309. From Hell
310. The Ghost And The Darkness
311. La Vita e Bella
312. Triumph of the Will
313. Escape From Sobibor
314. Enemy at the Gates
315. Shining Through
316. Inventing the Abbotts
317. Bridget Jones's Diary
318. Whatever It Takes
319. Dogma
320. Mallrats
321. Hamlet (Mel Gibson version)
322. Hamlet (Kenneth Branagh version)
323. Much Ado About Nothing
324. Life Is Beautiful
325. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
326. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
327. Pump Up The Volume
328. Pi
329. The War At Home
330. The Secret Garden
331. Intermission
332. Dead Man
333. Captain Horatio Hornblower (with Gregory Peck)
334. Gangster No. 1
335. Tonari No Totoro
336. The Fox and the Hound
337. The Animatrix
338. Spiderman
339. The Empire Strikes Back
340. Seabiscuit
341. Philadelphia
342. To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar
343. The Adventures Of Priscilla; Queen Of The Desert
344. The Witches Of Eastwick
345. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
346. How to Deal
347. The Day the Earth Stood Still
348. Little Shop of Horrors
349. Freddy VS. Jason
350. Enemy Mine
351. Billy Elliot
352. Hunchback of Notre Dame
353. Return of the Jedi
354. Saving Private Ryan
355. The Emperor's New Groove
356. Dreamcatcher
357. Con Air
358. The Neverending Story
359. Legend
360. The Abyss
361. Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
362. This is Spinal Tap
363. The Shawshank Redemption
364. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
365. The Seven Year Itch
366. The Incredible Mr. Limpet
367. Six String Samurai
368. Tremors
369. Color of Night
370. Prince of the Sun
371: Gleaming the Cube
372: Shoujo Kakumei Utena: Adolescence Mokushiroku
373: The Toxic Avenger
374: Junkers Come Here
375: Big Money Hustlas
376. Fame
377. Flash Dance
378. Dirty Dancing
379. Dance With Me
380. Hero (Ying Xiong)
381. 50 first dates
382. passions of Christ
383. dirty dancing havana nights
384. waynes world
385. the cat in the hat

my five:
386. pee-wee's big adventure
387. the rules of attraction
388. dazed and confused
389. 25th hour
400. the order

damn. i watch alot of movies, alot of stupid movies at that. i cant believe i actually took my time and did that. i must be crazy.

ew

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 05:57:39 GMT

this journal is really quite pointless and serves no point yet i still update it every so often. i dont understand that, but okay.

next friday im going to visit my dad for about a week and im really excited about that. ill finally be getting away from here only for alittle bit but at least thats enough. i wish he didnt have a computer then i wouldnt have to talk to anyone either but i know that i will use the computer when i get that bored because thats what i do. i think he could really use me now because he is in such a bad situation and i understand him and im his best friend, really. life for ashley is like a movie. i swear everything i do reminds me of a movie. today was just hectic. i slept all day long and then i went out at 830 with lizz and then got cortney and calum was there. and calum just looks like he is going to cry everytime he looks at cortney and when they are together its just like electric. its a beautiful thing, really. then we went to brads and dumb cunts came and made us just want to leave so we did. lizz had a really bad time the last like half hour and was crying and i didnt know what to do. blah blah blah blah. oh yeah, i realized today that im better off with my girly movies that are made for little kids then moping around about you cause thats what my life has consisted of recently and its a waste of my darn time. i owe lizz's sister 5 dollars and cortney 4. im a cheap skate and have to borrow money alot. i just suck. random and pointless. oh yeah im in a bad mood. someone should come to my house tomorrow and take a walk with me. but no one will because thats how it goes. i miss some people, alot alot alot. because they would be content with taking a walk with me and take pictures of me when i wasnt looking and i thought i wouldnt miss that but really i do. damn.

we've been through this so many times

Fri, 05 Mar 2004 23:15:21 GMT

i was bored and decided to do this:

xcrashyourstar (8)

deviantways (8)

startoxic (7)

notsoinfinite (7)

______semaphore (6)

bellascritto (5)

_onefoolishline (5)

revolution__ (5)

notaudible (4)

__threedaysago (4)

_superstition (4)

killwinterstar (4)

hardcoresince3 (4)

divineroutine (4)

december_drive (4)

skylight_ (4)

lovebreaksheart (4)

rararadio (4)

____inthecity (4)

__abscess (4)

sidewalkcracks (4)

Who are your most trusted non-friends?

interesting, eh?

i'm still afraid what i think gets continued in sleep

Wed, 03 Mar 2004 04:58:47 GMT

today is just one of those days that i miss having someone to talk to more than i miss anything that ive ever had. today is one of those days where i cant find anything im looking for. today is one of those days that i feel like i havent felt in some time, i didnt even know i could feel like this anymore. today is just one day in a set of too many that things arent going right. today is today is tomorrow. today is a day that i realize i have made a lot of mistakes and i cant take them back. today is a day full of fake smiles and laughs. today is one of those days where too many people need too many things from me. today. today is a day like so many before. today the weather was so so nice and i just felt too nostalgic to fucking enjoy myself. i really do wonder if someday i will find someone that is the other half of me, and i really dont give a damn how stupid that sounds. today just makes me think that i need so much to change and no matter how hard i try to change it it just ends up staying the same. too many memories have been discussed, thought about, and just relived today. you know i have these dreams where i just run away from everything and i dont have to think and i dont have to live what ive made for myself but i have something so much more than i can make possible right now. today ive thought about how to make things better but you know maybe i fucked up just alittle too much lately to make anything better right now. 11:11 is over-worked and i seem to be wishing for the same thing every time it comes around. i cant seem to make anything right today. i wish i could turn this into something beautiful and something that i didnt have to worry about. im so fucking worried that im going to be alone for the rest of my life. that i wont have anyone to talk to. and i push and push away at the good things around me and i pull in all the negativity. i never let anyone figure me out and i think that maybe i should, but maybe if i let someone figure me out i somehow wont be myself anyone because someone will know me. the thought of someone actually knowing me scares me more than almost anything. but i want it so much, i want someone to actually be genuinely interested in knowing me. i may not be beautiful or amazing but one day i hope i can find someone that thinks im beautiful and amazing and that i can just be with and we can have comfortable silences and spend nights together and we will be content with just feeling each others breathing. i saw the most poetic beautiful sex scene in the entire world. its in pink floyds the wall. i just think that that is the most incredible thing in the world. and you know ive become more pathetic the last few days in putting so much time in creating this journal. gluing pictures into it and coloring the pages. i just want to fill it with everything that im thinking and everything that im feeling and be able to give it to someone one day. maybe no one will get to read it because i wont feel that close to someone or feel the need to share my entire self with someone but hopefully one day i will.

fuck. i lied, that wasnt my last post. and you know this isnt either. i think that this journal will be alot more public lately.

being stupid is fun, i guess?

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 12:27:59 GMT

i thought spending time with someone else and even kissing them would make me get over you faster. but really, all it did was make me miss your lips. dag, im just stupid.

oh yeah, this is probably my last post. ♥

yes this is public

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 23:32:08 GMT

Dad: You in a bad mood? I found some stuff on the computer today and it made me very sad.
youSCREAM ironic: What did you find today that made you sad?
Dad: A letter she wrote me.
youSCREAM ironic: Oh goodness gracious. What did it say?
Dad: Just stuff about how she loves me, whether we are together or not and shit like that.
youSCREAM ironic: When did she write it?
Dad: According to the date stamp on the computer about 4-5 days after she had me arrested.
youSCREAM ironic: Then I don't understand what was going through her head. Maybe she's just fucking stupid. I also hope she realizes that just saying things like that isn't going to fix anything.
Dad: Made me cry all day though!!!!!!!
youSCREAM ironic: I could understand you wanting to be with her if she didn't get you arrested and put you through hell and back but wanting to be with her after that is just stupid on your part. I think that you realize that. But, it doesn't matter when you love something I guess.
youSCREAM ironic: I just hope you make the right decision.
Dad: Well, I know it's stupid! I'm Not going to go back to her or anything. Just made me very depressed. Very Very Dark
youSCREAM ironic: So I'm guessing she feels guilty about the whole situation?
Dad: I guess. Still does not change the fact that I may have to spend time in Jail though.
youSCREAM ironic: I know that.
Dad: Mixed up! Angry!!!! Depressed!!! Lonely!!!!!! Don't know what to feel anymore.
Dad: So, I drink as much as possible, then at least it does not matter for little while..
youSCREAM ironic: That's dumb.
youSCREAM ironic: You need to stop drinking to make it better because drinking just makes it worse and you know it as well as I do.
Dad: Maybe, maybe not. But I don't know what else to do. I don't have anything else to do to take my mind off of things.

&this conversation that I had with my father over AOL reminds me of the kind of conversations I have with friends of mine. I don't want to have to realize that he is pathetic&that I am just as pathetic as he is because I'm his daughter&I have to be the one there for him. As I've grown up I've never felt like I've had a father&that is one of the saddest things that I can think of. I really do love him but it's sad because he isn't a father. He is someone looking for a friend&I have come to fill that place. Looking back on the conversation makes me realize this more and more and also make me realize what I'm missing. I sit&wonder if he will ever grow up, take responsibility for himself,&if he even realizes that he has a daughter. I'm almost 16 years old&he still has done nothing to prove that he is mature enough to have a daughter. I think it was partly my realizing how pathetic he is&how pathetic he makes me feel for me to make my decison to stop drinking and to stop doing drugs. You know what he does with his life? He lives with my grandparents, gets drunk, hides it from them,&is "in love" with a fucking 23 year old girl that got him arrested,&he is now facing jail time because she made things up. The whole situation is ridiculous. Maybe I should stop trying to make him more than he is. I'm almost an adult and he doesn't understand that he has missed out on my entire life&that makes me so sad. My mother has been there through everything&I put her through hell&back because I don't know what else to do. &I would still choose a father over my mother&I haven't even had one. Ew.

bada BING

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 19:22:00 GMT

new screen name: youSCREAM ironic.

locked!

Sun, 04 Jan 2004 17:09:32 GMT

friends only.
i might add you.
comment.