always have, always will

if you live by your heart and value the love that you find, when you have all you need.

2009-09-11T08:18:34Z

i wish this weird warp that is now called reality goes back to normal,i'm losing it...figured out or came to realized that i've lost love, my value of love given was taken from granted and i won't feel home. i leave for work in approximate 2 hours, I haven't slept in 4 now 5 days. aloft in Rancho Cucamonga, gave me complications which I ended up paying around $2500 they charge you extra when you pass the check in/out mark on top of that they was "gratitude" fee, which I didn't use any gratitude... just the people in the front signing me in. WORST W HOTEL.
What I need to do is cook some pasta, with no sleep at all and carbs I believe I can drink a good amount tonight/friday night at the big bear lounge.
HEPCAT & Flogging Molly on Saturday night, taking david's room when he's out to palm springs this weekend. Stay with his hybrid cats, that don't shed and look like leopards: Killer & Baxter!

afilmabout_ @ 2009-09-01T14:09:00

2009-09-01T21:44:50Z

I needed last night, friends I haven't seen in long awhile. good good fun for Adri's pool birthday party which we also celebrated Tim's bday as well. Meeting with Kurt that has not ended but instead has postpone till later on today. Then it's my time for the rest of the week till friday-saturday which is going to be a hassle with 2 things going on at once. I'm glad I spend the night at their place, well his wife Katey took care of me.
Morning family, night work... Monday School and new job which seems not to end. a month ago I got tickets to see Hepcat on the 12th at the Greek Theater, however I also have a clash with another premiere party that I'm doing. Well it starts late around 9p, I have Hepcat and a few songs from Flogging Molly, leave with a few songs left. Friday night I'll be working on that and Saturday morning, then shower and change for the party. I need to look for something that can fit the show and the party so I don't have to worry about changing.

I'm in work mode, which anything that happens in my personal life with family or a break-up doesn't effect me, thanks to England I have this habit. You NEVER bring work home with you, if you do...expect being isolated as if you never came home from work. When at work NEVER bring personal with you, that just fucks up everything makes things more complicated especially when they are mighty difficult to begin with.
I've just cried myself to sleep with pints of ninecastles and a bottle of frambrose however once work is over I'll be in my car in tears...hopefully Penguin's frozen yogurt is still open even with the fires. I have a class that I signed up for CONSTRUCTION how to read blueprints. yay for PCC, it's funny that i'm immune to the fires because of the years that repeat in evacuation and fires. You know when fall come when the fires die down.

Work: Yesterday when I went to work from Ben's News has spread like the fires ever place i've been afflicted with knows. Thank you to the Sheriff of Santa Clarita. I had an intervention, why... i don't know. They brought up 'Well you have a loving boyfriend.' That made me cry, which i've never cried or was ever sad at work... I bust balls and I get my shit done. Yes i've been stressed and I took it out on smoking with yoga breathing. I don't have Ben, I wish I did... I even told ron, I wish i should have told him we can't be just friends. we can slow things down a notch or two... but you'll still be my boyfriend. even with premonitions i sadly have the same feelings. He said he never did anything, oh premonitions of her being catholic and drunken words/names. He's my weird counselor, I've already have my first assignment from which to help me cope, and sadly I can't tell him. Maybe email him, with September presents coming in and I can't even see him smile. I have him prepared with love till 3 years from now. SAD, fuck matty's premonitions, even though they have done justice with work,school and love so far last weekend was too much.
This is random, my written ramble are more in place then this above.

Checklist:
Rambles
Paint
Music

The last two weeks were DRAMA

2009-06-29T07:41:41Z

It had nothing to do with the economy, just on the verge of you causing my break up, you your way of expressing care was more of making others feel guilty and belittle them. BUT don't worry you'll be with them for soothing. Yeah after not sleeping for 72 hours and finally eating after 24 hours with beer you tend to vomit. You treated my vomit like AIDS with your latex gloves holding the bag ahead of you and then washing your hand viciously with loads of anti-bacteria soap. The first picture you see of my boyfriend you said he looks like a fag. Who does that? Thank you for allowing me to stay at your place while visiting you, but that doesn't give you the right to treat your guest and people they care about even if they are not there physically like shit. You made that whole weekend miserable. By the way, at Hooters I loved that you told me to burn my Ben Sherman hoodie because it read the name Ben on it. ... Yes, I'm really going to listen to you and burn this 5yr old hoodie that at the time i probably paid $110 for. fucking hell!
After reconciling with my love with a long long but Good talk with him, I was more relaxed and happy for this talk. I'm grateful for him. I started to weed people out, called themselves friends or family and after all this. YOU called to tell me about a death I already knew about 4 hours prior then asking if I'm okay. When I responded with yes, I feel much better. You said good, i'm glad you're single. No i'm not single, ben and I worked things out... I'm still with him.
pictures from

Madden below refreshed me, a good tribute.

</div>

Camping this weekend at the hut cleared my plans... i'm all set!

to the unknown

2009-03-13T09:21:49Z

i'm in love.

Well I'm falling in love when I took his hand tuesday and leaped to the unknown. To tell you the truth it feels damn good. I haven't had this feeling since jerm that ended 15m after 12 on my birthday, and we lasted 4yrs. That will be 9 years ago exactly on the 19th. picture soon, and i've painting my feelings since that day on two canvases after work.

I didn't expect it, everything was amazing and it just got so much more better. He got a new door knob, which I thought was his start again process of fixing up his house. I found out his ex came over when he was at work, trashed and took her stuff... she then took his spare key. After talking a bit, we were outside on the front porch his head was in my lap and I was running my fingers through his hair. Telling how happy&content he is with me, stories of his dad, his ex, cheating, growing up in the SGV and wearing the wrong colors when getting food with his dad. We watched the neighborhood kids run around playing with water guns. We were sync, the day just seemed long, it slowed down for us and worth it. Throwing back bottles ninecastles, taking pictures with the peaceful weather. Now that's something I got from him, calling newcastles them ninecastles without emphasizing the NINE. hahahaha best. He sat up looked at me with his blue soul eyes and asked: 'I need to know the truth, how do you feel about me or us. In the future can you see us, because I can see us and I want more than just this. I need to know if you're on the same page as me? ... I need to know, if this is real. I've been screwed over, stabbed and lost my heart to someone who I've loved and I thought she loved me back when she made vows of promises. I don't want or need that again, I have strong feelings for you and I do love you. ... There's no point in going on if you don't have feelings for me or can see us in the future... so?'
I didn't expect that, especially at the end of January I left his house crying and devastated that he ended this happiness randomly. When his explanation of slowing things down to get more situated with life came off as it's over. He like he is fully hugged me, telling me how beautiful I was and apologize for hurting me. Maybe it's spending more time with each other, communication, his delicious cooking (anyone can just marry him), we can talk for hours little stories and thoughts to an explanation between a mod and a scooter boy. I've listened and learned a great amount. He was never an idea or statement of a boyfriend, he's real as 1945 atomic bomb with a fucking heart and soul that feels and not here with me for money, manipulating, punching bag, or the idea of a girlfriend. His voice when explaining, you knew it came from within, plus that overwhelming feeling of happiness. Happiness that these feelings are mutual, this is it... this is me taking that unknown leap with ben with loyalty and love.
I told him, ever since I met him in July and you would call me in the morning when headed to work, checked up on me at least every other day even calling my work. I have this message, that can make anyone smile it's in my achieves. I kinda knew I wasn't just a girl, as the day progress to months I started having feels for you. We've spent some amazing time together even with his random rambles on some jack&coke. After that whole misunderstanding, there was more there for me to leave crying. Then after we cleared everything up over the phone and I came over we talked about it. How spending time with you I grew having these feelings for you. So when I took your words out of context that day, of course I was heart broken because you were not just a guy, I told you this when you were at the First Lady party, you called me and I told you that my feelings for you are getting noticeable and stronger. This is not I lust you, this is all heart and soul sitting here with you is: I'm falling in am in love with you. And yes, as scary as this is I trust you and yes I want more than this. A smile widen on his face as he kissed me. Then he just got up and left back into the house. Came out, with a key in hand telling the only ones with this key is jojo, my mum and now you. I want you to have it.

Life is quite wonderful after waiting years to feel this way, I never thought I would feel this way again.

this is well appropriate:
You're walking the thin line
Between here and out of control
You kept me in mind
You got the paper cuts to prove it
Your sea sick smile
Screams sweet nausea
'76 was a good year for me
It's been uphill since then
Don't cry or stop to wonder why
We crashed out the thunder
On the floor down from the ceiling
It was nice waking up next to you
Then you crossed the line
Between here and out of this world
You blow my mind
Like a colt '45 every time
Don't cry or stop to wonder why
We crossed out our thunder
On the floor down from the ceiling
It's been nice waking up next to you
Don't cry or stop to wonder why
We crossed out our thunder
On the floor down from the ceiling
It's been nice waking up next to...
You...
And our sea sick smiles
Screaming home sweet home.

edit picture:

my favorite boddington niner, funny this picture without my photo shop background and ad like work is posted off oxford st. near my old home sadly before I traded and moved. I'm satisfied with notting hill though, 999 is my number.

p.s.

2008-11-24T21:35:11Z

madden is growing.

love how he has no neck.

for bel's wedding... i didn't go because i was laid and my incredible worthless first move out position.

...

afilmabout_ @ 2008-11-24T12:58:00

2008-11-24T21:19:49Z

A lot has happened since April 30.

- Christian's Birthday
- Started dating, again.
- Biting my tongue towards people at work
- Moved out of Saugus
- Having an A-M-A-Z-I-N-G boyfriend
- Being laid off, having a coward boss.
- Moving back to Saugus

Before I forget, DO NOT forget about this...&& GO it's worth all your pennies.

- i nabbed myself a scooter boy, for valentines he's receiving a 1967 Lambretta SX 200.
- Liezel Co, 25 but whines, nags, begs and doesn't stop complaining 15 year old.
- Moved to Maple and Wilshire... however my rent started at $950 a month, every month with in 6 month it was raised $50-100 which my last payment was $1200 and she wanted it 2 weeks earlier. my roommate BLOODY DOUCHE.
- Laid off
Christian before the laid off began he left for a week vacation, Vincent just didn't want to do it... so they made two completely head of department do it. I don't know if it's a French thing, but they were the ones who hired me... not the other head of department.
- I'm back on Grovepark Dr...looking into moving to the SGV though.
+ making stockings for the girls, boys, ben&maximus.

Good update...
I realized I'm rarely on here, and if I am on here it's seems usually from my recent past entries venting, wtfs!? and get it off when I don't have my daily rambles around me to write in. I can't believe it I'm on volume 8 already, 8 years of writing, sketching, pictures and collecting. 8 years.
So FRIENDS ONLY is off starting with this one. welcome.

afilmabout_ @ 2003-09-11T23:25:00

2003-09-12T06:32:23Z

check check.

.comment if you like to be added.
|| friends.only ||