There were good times, it wasn't like I spent every single day hating the thought of going back to school and those people. Not every day, but there were times that I thought that. Long extended periods of time. And I think middle school really was the worst of it. I mean elementary school is sort of okay for the most part everyone is still kind of stuck in that kid mode, it's around 4th and 5th grade that it started getting worse for me and then right on into middle school.
You know I was always really content to just hang out with my friends and ignore everyone else. I wasn't super aware of anything that made me terribly different from anyone else for a long time. Not until people felt the need to start telling me, oh hey btw you're fat. And they felt the need to tell me that repeatedly and often and in various hurtful ways. I found it written on tables outside my classrooms, notes I got passed in the halls, and yelled at me in the middle of the cafeteria.
The girls I considered my best friends since we were in kindergarten stopped being my friends and there was this period of limbo where I wasn't completely sure where I fit or what I was supposed to do. Eventually I found a place, I tried out for the cheerleading team because I wanted to be something like popular for once, and I had girls single me out in the middle of the cafeteria calling me a fat slut and how dare I think I could be a cheerleader. And kids on the hour long bus ride back home in the afternoons.
And there is a lot more to my young life, issues at home and at church and all of that contributed to my way of dealing with it all. But I'm still here, and all of that is over now, and I'm not that girl I was then.
So I got a message on facebook the other day from one of the girls who helped to make my middle school experience hell all those years ago. I'll just share it here rather than try to explain it.
I hope things are well for you. I want to apologize for being mean to you in middle school. I know it was a long time ago, but I think about you occasionally and I am embarrassed about the the way I treated you. I want you to know I am so sorry and wish you all the best in the future.
And I don't know what to do with this. Mom says I should be mean back to this girl, but that's not me in the first place, and it's not going to do anything to change what happened in the past, and it won't make me feel better now. And I'd rather not open the door to more meanness if there is going to be any further interactions between us in the future. And I suspect the only reason she thought about me are the upcoming reunion festivities later this year.
But yeah, a lot of navel gazing and uncomfortable trips down memory lane recently. Ugh. Ignore my rambling, I just needed to talk this out a little.