I don't know if it's just me getting older, or my continuing embrace of all things atheistic, but Christmas seems to mean less and less to me every year. I was thinking though about all the trappings - tree, presents, turkey, carols etc. Who came up with all of this. How did we end up with the incomprehenisble pastiche of commercialism, religion and unquestioned tradition we have now? People say 'I'm not religious, but I still love Christmas' but it's called CHRIST-mas. Would you still celebrate it if it was called Mohammedmas?
With this in mind, I thought why not create your own (seasonal festivity that used to be called Christmas). I thought such an attempt should address the following;
• Time of year/season: What should the weather be like on your festival?
• How is it celebrated: Do you exchange gifts, eat, get pissed, spin like a dervish?
• Does it venerate anyone/anything: Jesus, Alfred E Neuman, Douglas Adams, the assassination of JFK?
• Set dressing: How is your festival coloured and decorated, sombre sepias, day-glo-yellow, tie-die purple, tinsel, incense sticks, lines of coke?
So I created this sample holiday;
• Occurs around the same time as Christmas, when the year is warm and I am sick of working with blank-eyed jacktards. I'm going to choose December 25, because I think this baby is a winner and can give Christmas a run for its money.
• Participants relieve 12 months of shit and stress with the ceremonial binge of junk food, booze and an endless showing of zombie movies.
• It venerates the blank indifference of the universe to the travails of man and the unquestioned genius of George Romero, Lucio Fulci and other carrion-purveyors.
• The room is lovingly decorated with fake blood, limbs and skulls, as well as toy chainsaws and shotguns. The colour tone is generally black/red. Black and red cloth is draped liberally around the room to make it look spooky.
• Gifts are not exchanged by habit, except if you want to. It is customary to allow either the host, or people named Michael, full and unrestricted access to your booze and fags.
Tags: rant, zombie