hellow palm tree

goddamned teenager

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 18:20:06 GMT

so, i don't usually work all week since i have wednesday off, but since i took last thursday & friday off, my boss said i could make up for it this week (our work week is thursday - wednesday). so monday, tuesday & wednesday i worked 10 hour days, and then yesterday i went back to taking a lunch and leaving at 4:30. it didn't seem that bad, almost good actually, to work so hard all week and it made me think, "maybe i'll stay till 6 more often."

now, maybe its because its the end of the week, & i'm just tired & need my 2-day break. maybe its because my boss was out of town all week and now he's back & asking me to do stuff again. maybe its my detailed to do list, or the meeting we're having at 2:30, but i know for a fact that it started when i went on facebook during my lunch break.

see, my sister is busy with her new adult life and i haven't seen her in awhile. she backed out to have dinner with me & jess for my birthday, she backed out to have dinner with a bunch of us at lauren's apartment, and now i'm trying to get her to come out for Jessica's birthday, and it looks like thats not going to happen either. i posted something on her wall about it, and my mom had to jump in (because my mom ALWAYS has to jump in) with "you could come up here and visit, casey." like, she doesn't even know anything and just decides to give her two cents without provocation. it irritates me. so i commented "shut up mom." & said something like, don't give megan fodder to not come.

when i got on facebook again at lunch, my mom had sent me a message about how rude i had been on a "public facebook page." and then my sister said that she probably won't come, which means she's definitely not going to come. & i don't know whats going on with me, but the whole thing makes me want to cry. ok, to be perfectly honest, when i was reading megan's comments i did start to cry. because i am a fuckin crybaby and i can't stop it from happening. i try to be proud of it and say "i feel my emotions," but its something i wish i could control. but the purpose of this post is to say i feel so fuckin depressed now about the whole thing.

so now i just want to go home so bad. at like 11:00 i had the worst hunger pains ever and i felt so nauseous that i considered going home early. i still want to go home early, but i'm like 2 hours away from when i usually go home so i need to stick it out. i just wonder if i'll ever stop acting like a goddamned teenager. i still get pimples on my face, i still get super depressed & cry about dumb things, and i still have no money and don't feel ready for anything.

this too shall pass. that is probably my favorite phrase because it applies to my life 75% of the time.

love,
casey

california ramblings

Thu, 04 Aug 2011 14:31:32 GMT

no one posts in lj anymore! i suppose its just as well...i can plot to my heart's content & no one will be the wiser. bwahahaha!

not that i have much to go on. this is my private blog (public one), so no need for professional updates. i was just reading my blog entry where i was considering moving to california, but before it had become THE BIG PLAN, with adam and alex jumping on board. now they are all out there & ryan & i are not.

i am extremely torn on whether i made a good decision or not. on the positive side, i'm pretty sure i would never get the job i have now if i had moved to CA. & having the job i have now will be very helpful on my resume in getting a job like this in the future, like in CA. i was even thinking i would stick with the garden centers since i like gardening and there are lots of garden centers in California. so there's that.

i know Ryan also loves his job, and probably feels the same way i do about job availability in CA. he's getting more and more screen printing experience under his belt, and i know that's the unofficial career choice he's made. All in all, we are both happy with the jobs we have in Richmond, and they are adding to the career we want to live off of.

but there is a part of us both that is unhappy.....i can feel it. ryan has told me how he sometimes thinks, we should have moved to CA. honestly, the scary, what-if part of me thinks, "what if we never have another chance?" i can't save money the way i was saving last year. the only thing i could think of is to sell most of our furniture, sell my car, & then drive to CA with no real plan. crazy kids do it every day, & we have friends & family who i know would help us.

our lease is up in January, but something tells me it won't happen. i want this job on my resume for as long as possible....2 years is better than 1. it's just such a hard thing to wrestle with. i have the craziest mind, where i will think things like, "what if the state of California separates from the U.S. and sinks before i can get out there?" & the intelligent response to that is, "well, you dodged a bullet then, didn't you???"

its just something i feel in my bones, i need to see palm trees in my window. i need the breeze, the beaches, the medical marijuana even. (haha) i'm going out there end of september where i want to plan even more, though i don't really know what i'd do. its so hard to plan anything when its all so precarious. it would be easier if i wasn't tied to my possessions. not all of them, but i need my kitchen stuff. i need my wand collection, it has become a work of art in itself. we could get rid of the mattress, & keep the bed frame (it folds up). this feels like when we thought we were moving all over again, counting every item & wondering if it will fit.

its not easy being on the other side of the country. all i know is we will make it out there someday.

love,
feisty

tick tock

Wed, 22 Jun 2011 15:47:52 GMT

Oof. I went to check out my friends page and an empty cardboard box stared back at me. too bad....i needed a distraction.

every once in a while, i find myself getting really depressed about life. now, mind you, i'm not in a bad place - i have a long term relationship with a boy i call hubby, a creative job, a pretty nice house, and family and friends who love me. sure.
the sad side to all that is i'm not making nearly as much money as i need. in fact, here's some scary math for you: i make less money than i owe a month. with savings, this has not yet caught up with me but i'm afraid what the 2nd half of this year is going to look like. i also wish that i was more motivated to do the things i want to do instead of falling into the tv trap again and again. & then there's ryan.

we argue, so what? its normal for 2 people who see each other every day for hours at a time to argue. but its so draining when it happens and it makes me emotionally overwhelmed. its always a misunderstanding, and more often than not, he approaches me later with an apology. lately, i don't know if its more because he thinks i was right or because he wants to move on. i'm too damn stubborn to do the same.

&....i am on an island. i have said this before, but its more real this time. i have to travel to see a friend, or they have to travel to see me. i accept the move i made, but now i feel the pressure to make friends in Richmond. and i don't even care about doing that. i've never been a big fan of selling myself because i'd rather be alone than try that hard. this should be the time i'm making videos, writing stories or working more on ryan & i's "band." (in the works). but then i just think "fuck it" & lay on the couch watching Bones.
i want to be great. right now all i have is laziness. i just watched Inception again on my birthday, and i don't want to be "an old [wo]man, filled with regret"......i guess my pain sort of motivates me.

I AM going to finish the song I started writing.

I AM going to shoot the script I wrote before Earth Day.

I AM going to think of a new idea for a short story.

even though when i get home, I AM also going to watch Bones and eat bruschetta. :)

LOVE,
feisty

i'll make this short

Mon, 04 Apr 2011 20:32:57 GMT

i love my adult friend jessica, & her amazing strength. jessica - you constantly impress me with your maturity......i feel like a child most of the time, & maybe you do too - but you are great at fooling me. now that i live 30 minutes closer i want to see you more!!!!!!!!!!

& everyone else is cool too.

love,
casey

fuck you target.com

Sun, 05 Dec 2010 08:36:13 GMT

i have been spending up a storm lately....my wardrobe has suffered for too long, & i was sick of looking at the same old shit. i've got the money, & i'm still saving a good amount too....i'll have at least $5K going into ca.

i found cute "only $30!" target nude wedges in redbook & i was in love. & then target.com said 'this item is sold out' and didn't tell me what to do about that! i like sites that can put you on a wait list so when they are back in stock, they contact you...but i guess target doesn't have time for niceties like that.

speaking of niceties, if you've never shopped modcloth.com, do it . doit. they are by far the best experience i've had with online clothes shopping...its a little on the expensive side, but they sent me all this free stuff with my order, their items have user reviews right under the item...& they deliver within the week!

bitches & drag queens

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 16:38:54 GMT

man, fuck that dress, i couldn't even fit into it. god, you don't know how i suffered for that dress. i was even planning on getting it altered, but in the end i decided it wasn't worth it. i was so sad when i returned it :(

in other news, my halloween costume is slowly coming together, which excites me. i actually had the idea to make my costume this year so i don't spend $50 on something i will most likely never wear again. i'm going to be a drag queen! ;) i already bought the wig, and i'm adding sequins and glitter to a dress my mom gave me a long time ago from some old halloween costume. all i need to get is fake nails...maybe some fake eyelashes, and i will be set! i love halloween.

anyways, so as some of you may know, i have had the same job for over 3 years. my job has its ins and outs - most recently they hired another "me", who acts sort of as my assistant. She's 23 and we get along well....its always nice to have someone in my corner, and this time she's actually my age! of course, i still have some of the same asshole co-workers, including a girl i will call D, who seriously drives me nuts sometimes. she will refuse to take responsibility for anything that goes wrong, even to the bitter end! read below & hopefully you can follow.

On Aug 30, 2010, at 12:22 PM, D wrote:

Is the following url available for Park Potomac - www.Park Potomac Live.com?

~ D

On Aug 30, 2010, at 12:26 PM, Maddy (my assistant) wrote:

Park Potomac Live.com is available for purchase. Would you like me to buy it (and set it up to track something)?

M

On Aug 30, 2010, at 12:33 PM, D wrote:

yes please purchase and you can add to media tracking as:

Park Potomac Concert Series Landing Page

Thanks ~ D

On Aug 30, 2010, at 1:27 PM, Maddy wrote:

The URL has been purchased.

Where is this URL going to be used? We are trying to determine what the redirect should be.

M

On Aug 30, 2010, at 1:29 PM, D wrote:

It will be used on signage and print materials as the landing page for these concerts. something brand new we will be creating.

~ D

On Aug 30, 2010, at 1:36 PM, Maddy wrote:

If this site is intended to be the landing page itself, we can't use it for Media Tracking purposes (since there is nothing to redirect to).

M

On Aug 30, 2010, at 1:41 PM, D wrote:

ok no worries

D

On Sep 21, 2010, at 10:45 AM, Maddy wrote: (SENT THE ABOVE EMAILS TO ME, D, & MY BOSS)

Here is the original request.

M

On Sep 21, 2010, 12:09 PM, D wrote:

yeah I know when I put this into production that I told Casey this was in place of the original landing page but guess it wasn't discussed about the url used - at least this is something that we internally figured out and not from the client. let's just move forward - I don't have time to search through any papers or emails to prove otherwise and I'm not trying to point fingers, just wanted to figure out what might have been the crack.

~ D

I don't have time to search through papers or emails to prove otherwise and I'm not trying to point fingers????? That doesn't even make sense.
Seriously, bitch rubs me the wrong way. If I lived in a comic book, she would be my sworn enemy. I would have to fight my boss, the vp of our sister company, the owner of the company, and then D before I could move to California. Evillllllllll!

love,
feisty

color & snazz

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 20:20:15 GMT

i'm getting new purple glasses! snazzy! & i bought a new party dress! its colorful and puffs out and was a little expensive but i wanted it so bad! lulus.com told me there was only 1 left so i buckled, & now i can't wait to get it. & hide the price tag from ryan...haha, we are already married!

a co-worker sent this "funny" email out, & i found that while reading it i was responding "yeah, yeah, o man, i know how that is!" so i wanted to share...or just keep it for myself, as a record on the very serious lj. notice how they never delete a single entry...i could go back & read my trials & tribulations with i before we even started dating!
i deleted the ones i didn't agree with, so all you have are the inner workings of my mind, written by somebody else...

• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

• Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

love,
feisty

skedaddle

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 21:28:31 GMT

my last post was via the ljapp that i just downloaded to my iPod. you can only post, but i thought it would make it easy to post at home when i'm feeling bored & lazy.

right before i posted that, i was trying to download it, and my iPod kept asking me to verify my billing info. whenever i would get to County, it would say Prince William. I would tap Next. Prince William would disappear so I would select "Prince William" and click Next. Prince William would disappear again. I was yelling and mumbling and my voice was getting that cry whine to it, and ryan was yelling "calm down, whats the problem?!"

so i finally got around it by verifying through my laptop - no issues there. it downloaded fine, and i opened it to write a post. it took me forever to write a paragraph because i hate touch screen keyboards. i grow my nails long, and iPod wants them short. i wrote several funny things, and then the screen got stuck. it asked me a question my stressed mind didn't understand and then i pushed the wrong button, which caused all my anecdotes to be erased. i screamed, threw my iPod against a wall and started crying.

ryan was shocked that i threw it...i was a little shocked too. but i have been having nothing but problems since i updated to IOS 4.0 (as the kids call it) and my lovable iPod was becoming my enemy iPod. & i'm pretty sure i love to cry. i like to let it all out...i think i bottle stress like cherry Pepsi, because if i don't cry for a few days, i can feel it creeping into every emotion. sleeve = heart.

ryan pointed out to me once that it sounded like i had been teased a lot as a child, by friends. & that's when i realized i had been, by friends who i deemed "best" no less, and that was why i'm always ready to pounce. i've been called defensive more than once, and i hate it. but i also hate it when people discover something about me and then laugh at it. i suppose it is true, that the toughest exteriors are to protect the most sensitive insides. like bullies and all their problems.

i want to get better with age, not continue bad habits so i eventually become too crazed and insane to be loved. i hate ruts, and my life is full of them.

btw, i have invented a new pen name based on my character and the story topics i tend to gravitate to.

feisty fatale, or feisty for short. i am desperate for feedback, though afraid of it at the same time. i think i'm good and ryan says i am, but both of those people are so very very biased.

http://feistywrites.weebly.com/
http://feistywrites.weebly.com/
http://feistywrites.weebly.com/
http://feistywrites.weebly.com/
http://feistywrites.weebly.com/
http://feistywrites.weebly.com/
http://feistywrites.weebly.com/

love,
ff

Wave of the future

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 01:20:54 GMT

I just cut my right thumbnail so i could type faster on my ipod. Even though its been acting rather buggy since i updated to 4.0. Goddamn, sometimes i hate this digital age.
...gotta go, its Fright Night time!

Love,
Feisty

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

it doesn't get much better than this

Fri, 16 Apr 2010 18:39:53 GMT

i will never be a great artist because i have an unsteady hand. i can never draw a character the same more than once. i would like to think my special brand of drawing will still be admired, but i'm never right about those things. the worst thing i could probably say about my life is i have no idea what i want my career to be. i love to write, and would believe in god if it meant i could just be a writer and live off that. but then, i don't think i'm much good at that either. so much for confidence, eh?

other than that, i am pretty happy. i got a raise at work, which will make it slightly easier to save money and pay off my credit card bills. ryan is the love of my life, and i tell him many times how closely he resembles the perfect guy list in my mind. the best thing about him is how well we fit, like puzzle pieces, and how much he adores me. everything i do is cute to him. the worst thing about him is how good he is at music, because he has been doing it forever and it reminds me that i never focused on anything.

i suppose all this me bashing has come from the year's obsession; my life change at the end of november. thinking about getting a job in california, and it always comes back to my retched "experience;" looking up clerical jobs, secretarial, administration, and anything that asks you know Microsoft Office and can type fast. the problem is, i'm almost 26 and this is the base i'm standing on. its a life base i don't want and am scared to death i will end up with, just like my mother. i think moving to the l.a. area will put me in a different place, but it won't. i'm still only experienced in one thing: OFFICE.

sometimes i think about something outrageous, like some kind of performer. i make jokes all the time, and make people laugh...ryan always talks about my future stand up career (like i could ever get away with that!). i will say things, and he will jump on them, insisting that go in my "act." we also have an unofficial band, where i sing & he plays acoustic guitar and sings. its all covers, we don't really have a name, and i insist if we ever perform that it be on a random street corner. i'm too shy to ever indulge in this, so i'm back to having nothing.

ian messaged me on facebook letting me know that last night he had a dream we were making out..."very soft." it creeps me out & amuses me at the same time...is this normal? he's the only ex i have, and being cordial is one thing, but if this was turned around, i would never tell him about it. its weird to me, and i don't think ryan would appreciate it (he has announced at one point, "I hate all guys named ian!" when someone else had mentioned another ian), so i had to tell someone. or something. thanks livejournal for being the inanimate object i can talk to and not feel crazy.

don't want no hippie pad, i want a house just like mom & dad

Mon, 05 Apr 2010 21:03:46 GMT

i realized today that i stress out and worry too much. my mind is a little trap that works an idea through the system again and again, like if i think about it enough i'll be sure to see every flaw from a mile away. i don't know how much more i can think about it from now until november before i just explode with worry and die of young age.

i realized today that my soul mate loves me, even when i'm throwing a tantrum and crying because he tells me the truth. he's a hard worker and the best lover, friend, boyfriend, partner, etc. i've ever had. i don't think i will ever lose him, but i'm still terrified i will. o great, something else to worry about.

i realized today that everything boils down to confidence. at used up's last show, a split second mistake caused noah to make a face, making it obvious. i told them later that if i hadn't seen him do that, i would've thought the whole thing was part of the show. i struggle with confidence, only because its something my mother lacks and something i never felt i had growing up. its a must-have in every situation, and i'm slowly swallowing it down. the trick is to tell them you can do anything and then look it up later.

i realized today that i still get depressed. i thought maybe it was a horny, angst-y teenage thing, but now its more of a hopeless, sluggish 20-something thing. it works together with the anti-confidence and likes to fuck with my head. my biggest fault is my enormous self doubt.

sunny work days make me the most depressed.

introspective

Sat, 13 Feb 2010 07:01:41 GMT

lately i have been feeling my age. NOT OLD, i know! just...getting bored really. honestly, i'm thinking about my future, and what i want to end up doing with my life. & something that needs to change is my location.

its not the snow. i mean, i got 3 days off work this week, so some cold & wetness i will handle for that. but residing on the west coast is what i need to do. its in my blood, and the older i get, the more i want to find something that i can run with, that i can build on and create. every time i think of things to do, though, i look around and realize i'm in virginia, and i can't start anything because then i'll be stuck here for good and god damnit will i kill myself then.

ryan & i want to move to california, previous home for both of us. he says hollywood; i want to be in southern cal & near a beach, so if they coincide, so be it. honestly, i came from san jose so i'm not familiar with that area at all. throw in the mix, ryan's good friend noah, who comes over & brings all this stuff up. he's heading there end of this year, with friends or alone, but he pushes for us to come with him. ryan & i have not saved much money to do this & noah has saved $3K, so we're hesitant. our lease is up in october, so do we renew or do we wing it, do we just do it because how else are we going to get out there?

the point is, i have no idea what to do. i've already decided i will sell my car, and we will keep ryan's car. kbb rates my car as having a value of $7000 - $8500, but thats not any kind of guarantee. i can save money here and there..how do i know its enough? i worry about not getting a job for forever, and being stuck in ryan's grandma's house (she lives in lawndale). i think he is really fearful of that.

its such a big decision. if anyone had any guidance i would love to hear it...........i suppose i will get out there eventually, the hard part is knowing when i'm ready. i don't want to be stranded, but then i tell myself 'how could you be, ryan has so much family out there, my dad lives out there, blah blah blah'
being such a bump on a log makes it so hard to move.

work sucks - i know*

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 18:56:46 GMT

not just job-work, but work-work, as in packing and lifting heavy boxes and bags and furniture, and unpacking and stressing about it all. i want to go back to being a bump on a couch.

but in greater news, the new place is pretty cool. its like another version of our old apartment, but better. like instead of Manassas Apartment #243 Level D, we are now in Manassas Apartment #243 Level B. Everything is newer, and the floorplan is more open, and the walk-in closet is even bigger, which is silly but excites me the most. that makes me feel like such a chick.

anyway, the place is a townhouse broken up like a duplex, though the people above us have their own door and stairs to their place. so our address has no apartment number, which is nice, and the neighborhood feels more like one than an apartment complex. o, and its $45 cheaper a month!! so, life is good...

****

i am so worried about halloween...its a little more than a week away, and though i've thought about what i'm going to be, i have no idea how to pull it off. i haven't done anything for halloween, the move has kind of taken over my october. i'm going to halloween parties, so i need a good costume! hopefully i can get away with clothes i already have...because that's what i plan on doing!

****

so all this talk lately of kids growing up is boggling my mind. i still feel like a fuckin teenager a lot of the time, so i have no plans anytime soon for marriage or children...even if i'm almost at the age that i should be thinking about it! (ha, almost, who am i kidding..) but carey d. is getting married, and i saw today that veronica (friend of jessica's) is fuckin pregnant. she just got married AND NOW SHE'S PREGNANT!! honestly, who wants to jump into it that fast?? the whole thing gives me the creeps. i never feel steady, and i'd rather not bring in people to rely on me even more than people already do.

****

its nice to have this thing called internet to keep up with other people's lives. i think i would otherwise feel utterly alone, already more than i do. sometimes, and i'm not exactly sure what initiates this, but ryan and i will get high and be watching tv, and i will start to think about my future life, and freak out. i'll start thinking about how i'll have no friends, just ryan's friends, who don't really care about me, so i'll ultimately have no friends, and it really scares me. i think of how long its been since i've seen people, and if we can still be friends since its been so long. it's tough...i'm such a shut in and i like domestic life, but lately i've been feeling like i do need to get out. i need someone else's opinion on anything, because ryan is my main friend right now...i also feel, for his sake, that i should venture out and get a life. its just...what do i do? i'm poor as a rat right now, i can't afford to go out, i can't afford anything really. maybe soon since rent has gone down :), but for now i feel trapped. like always i suppose.

i'm starting to think of my years past, and the consistencies in my life, which makes me feel old. like, who was i at 21, or 23? didn't i always feel this way? a propensity toward isolation, and then always regretting it because of the loneliness. man, moving has made me crazy. i just want to go back to having time after work for me. i need to go back to writing and submitting. i've been writing but not submitting, which is good but not as productive. that's my way out....i can write goddamnit. i just need to start writing to save my life.

love,
casey

p.s. check out my icon - so cool! i love skulls

*=she left me roses by the stairs - surprises let me know she cares

do you want to kick it with me? i wanna kick it with you

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 17:58:23 GMT

2 points of interest:

uno.awesome soda display!! i wish i lived in places that did stuff like this. it seems i got stuck in an area where nobody gives a shit about shit. funny, that sounds like me...i guess what goes around really is what comes around.

dos.i'm going to the salon this saturday since i have all day to myself - ryan is going to nj (overnight! boohoo) for an iron wolf show (he plays substitute bass) & i was told by noah (iron wolf drummer) that i didn't want to go...apparently they are all taking one car together and it gets smelly. whatever, i'm getting my hair done! i plan on bringing this picture and hopefully i can get a look like this. i've done it all, so its time for something new. i'm not sure about black tips, maybe red? we'll see what "Lan" (hairstylist) thinks.

oi to the punks

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 14:31:50 GMT

i swear, there is something wrong with me. i get so jealous over stupid stuff. ug its annoying and i just have to keep focusing on how i'm around now. .....ryan knows this girl amy (that he used to have a crush on :/) who's been friends with him and all the other guys since high school. she posts this facebook album filled with pics of them all back then, and its dumb, but i get pangs of jealousy. how she knows these guys all so intimately, from so far back, and i'm just the new girl. the flash in the pan, the girlfriend. its this whole thing about being loved, i want it to the point where i don't want anyone else to have it? that doesn't even make sense.

monday night was noah's bday & i had way too much to drink & i think i made myself sick. my throat hurts, blah. i'm going to see teenage bottlerocket this thursday and i don't even want to drink. isn't that crazy? i am feeling so dull overall. & work is all slow, which just makes the whole day go by so slow. lunchtime, come faster!

also, can you believe its the end of june? the year is more than halfway over now...summer will be over soon, then 2009, and then before you know it, i'm celebrating my 30th birthday. if i'm not dead before then. sometimes i wonder if i've pushed my body too far. then i think, there's probably people who do more than me...who get shit faced every day all day and they're still alive. i guess i've been feeling old lately. at noah's party, we were talking about getting "old" and he says "23 is not old, 25, 30 isn't old either" and i had to argue & point out "old is a state of mind." some days i feel young. some days i feel old.

and i had to argue...i hope people love me for that. oh shit, there i go again.

love,
casey

maybe its my ape drape, or hippies in my bed

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 16:27:44 GMT

it's nice that livejournal has returned to being empty. my friends page is filled with carey & raptamakeout (art community) updates, which i find soothing. no one will read this

its been a long time since i've had some free time at work. since i finished my monday reports all on monday for the first time in a while (o my!), my whole week has been filled with these giant empty holes of time where i don't know what to do. i used to yearn for those times when i could do whatever i wanted, but now i feel guilty. i feel like i should be doing something and i just can't figure out what. o fuggit

one thing that has been really irking me lately is the amount of homophobia that still exists in this country. sure there's the conservative fucks who still call black people 'ni**ers' behind closed doors, but i'm talking about people in the public eye. i guess they could still be conservative fucks, but being part of the media, i would hope you would keep up to date with the media and its people. I guess I just don't understand how someone can look at a gay person and see 'freak', 'monster' or what have you. I mean for Chrissakes, Ellen is gay. Sweet, funny Ellen is a lesbian, a card-carrying dyke, and all she wanted was to marry her pretty little bride. So I have to ask, what part of that freaks out conservatives? Is it because its not the nuclear family, which by the way, has been out of date for LONG LONG TIME.

I read a story the other day about how a gay couple and their children were denied a family discount at a water park because the management told them that the state had specified that a family only consists of a man, woman and children. A lot of people commented about single mothers/fathers who raise their children - are they not considered a family??? Personally, I think whoever told them that is a major idiot who was just taking their homophobia out on these people. But it scares me that we are getting to this point, where people are becoming so forward about it all. Like the one radio station hosts that called all transsexual & sexually confused children "freaks," and encouraged listeners to berate and tease this kids. Yah, smart! Let's give bullies more fodder and children more reasons to not want to go to school. Or more reasons to kill themselves!

And it also drives me crazy that two women or two men getting married shits on the sanctity of marriage, but 2 trashed straight retards can get married in vegas in 30 minutes, and that's fine. If anything shits on the sanctity of marriage, its divorce. I think the real reason, the only reason, that gay marriage is such an issue is because they don't want gay people to have the rights. That's all. My religion, marriage is between a man & a woman, blah blah blah. it's all bullshit. All they really want is for marriage is to stay theirs, so basically we're back in kindergarten, and no one wants to share. Ug. I repeat myself, but Bob Dylan called it before it even started happening.

how many years can some people exist before they're allowed to be free?

In other news...My "as many shows as possible" resolution is going okay. Money prevents me from going to every show I want to go to unfortunately, but i've got No Doubt this sunday!!! And have Teenage Bottlerocket later this month. I've already seen Alkaline Trio and Joey Cape (Joey Capo!) this year, and am discussing All Points West (music fest in NJ) with my sister. I <3 shows.

Also...I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA FOR EIGHT STRAIGHT DAYS IN AUGUST!!! We'll be in the LA area, which I've never been to, and I'm going with Ryan so I'm so excited. His grandma bought my ticket, can you believe it? I was shocked...I tease him by saying they probably expect me to become part of the family soon :) (he says he doesn't want to get married but i'll get him) Marriage can wait, but the wedding is what excites me. I've decided I want my colors to be red, yellow and white. I want a yellow & white wedding dress with a big red flower in my hair :) Ryan wants to wear green, which matches because of the yellow. Without it, it would be Xmas colors, but I want a summer wedding so that would not work. Ha, listen to me. Just a girl I guess.

Lunchtime!
Love,
Casey

don't kill the messenger

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 15:49:47 GMT

because its me and all i'm trying to tell you is WHAT TO DO.

why can't saturday come soonER????

my life is filled with why's

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 22:33:57 GMT

why can't a job just fall into my lap?

admittedly, i'd probably hate to be working in falls church, especially now that i live in manassas, but i remember i had applied to work for a newspaper and they actually contacted me for an interview, but i ignored it bc i decided i didn't want to work in falls church. i sort of kick myself over that.

now its like jobs have gone extinct, or maybe just for people like me who don't have amazing resumes. & i'm really bad at getting comfortable and ignoring everything else, because a part of me is hesitant to get a new job. i think to myself, 'i know what i'm doing, i'm completely knowledgeable on all the going ons of this company, i know everyone, blah blah blah.' plus ms. pega (for non-tracking purposes, i added the a) is gone now, which is mostly a good thing.

i say mostly because now crazy people like (evil AE) can run free and do whatever their crazy perfectionist minds can think of. there's a website we (mostly codee) have been working on day & night (mostly day), and today i get an email from her saying "i must be the only one who checks this site. now please make all these edits that randomly came into my head but you should have seen coming." that stuff boils my blood. i mean, its my job to check stuff before sending it, so thats like a slap in the face.

so its stuff like that that makes me think, 'maybe there's something better out there.' is there a job where i can make how much i'm making, not hate the work, and get along with everyone? i see tons of "fun" jobs out there, but where there's fun, there's usually not money. i'm hanging by a string as it is, so taking a pay cut is not an option.

i'm going to go job searching, but i don't expect to find anything! because there's probably nothing there.

<3,
casey

you won't be safe until you love me

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 20:39:04 GMT

gotta kick ass
gotta be kick ass
gotta kick ass
i gotta be kick ass, gotta be kick ass

lately i've been feeling pretty hopeless. blame it on the (cold) wind if you'd like, but i feel sort of depressed. and i hate it, because i cry so easy....i don't know if thats just me, or if maybe i've just been depressed all my life. its a little unbearable sometimes. for example,

ryan's birthday is today, and his friends are having a party at this one guy's house. we've talked about the party, and ryan has said things like, "is it lame to leave your own party early?" when i asked him why, he said "because i don't like parties, i'm not a party kind of person." and "its going to be small, just a couple of people are invited."
so imagine my surprise when i see that this adam guy (who is more a friend of ryan's friend noah) had put up the party as a facebook event, and invited over 30 people. i call ryan to tell him about it, who thinks i'm complaining about it, so is just like "ya? so what?" i get offended that he's being rude and automatically i feel like crying. i end up sort of hanging up on him (i said 'bye' and then hung up without waiting for a reply), which he gets pissed about. (text: "thanks for the birthday hang up") and then for the next 20 minutes, i still feel like crying. i don't (thank god - i'm at work!) but the whole thing just annoys me.

& also, its like, ryan feels like my soul mate because we always make each other laugh, and usually have the same opinions, and just feel the same way about so many things, important things, like religion, and where to live, and even how to raise our non-existent, probably won't happen child (no tv until he/she graduates from middle school and if they skip out on chores they don't get any food). :)
but then we fight about something as stupid as this, and i'm like "is this really how its supposed to go?" how do you know how much fighting you should do? how much is too much? they say you fight with someone because you care, but what's to care about in a fight like that?

it always comes back to the same thing - i don't know whats normal, and whats not. What goes on in a relationship between two people is one thing you can't compare to others, because how do you know what other people do? all you can compare it to is other relationships you've had, and i will say that ryan is the healthiest i have been as far as romance. he's not an alcoholic, not a slut, and not an asshole. haha..i guess that really is the epitome of them all.

i guess, its not really a question of 'is he good enough' or not, because he is. he loves me, he compliments me, he honestly has improved my self esteem, he makes me laugh, he laughs at my jokes, he loves music & movies, he's witty, he's knowledgeable.....i just wish he never snapped at me. i wish he never got depressed...one of the reasons we probably get along so well is because of how alike we are. including his moods, his insecurities, his inner anger.

nobody's perfect though. i love him, and that means loving his faults right? i just wish he never made me cry, but i guess thats hard for someone in my life as much as he is. since, you know, i cry if my shoe's untied. (ha ha)

<3,
casey

you told me

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:02:42 GMT

that you want to die
i said i've been there before
more than a few times
i go back every once & awhile
you, called me lucky. you
called me lucky.

its in my head!!!! i can't get it out. btw, where do they buy organs? how do i sign up to sell my organs??? livejournal, you brought it up!! point me in the right direction goddamnit.

work sucks. i know
man i just want to get back to not working, 4 day weekends with my baby. i need that much time to decompress.

What bill do you hate paying the most?
credit card, bank of america SHIT

Whens the last time someone cooked you a romantic dinner?
not too long ago ryan made me breakfast in bed. i think thats more romantic than the schlep we eat for dinner.

Whats the farthest you would drive to see someone?
well i drove to woodbridge from centreville to give ryan dinner once. that was far enough for me.

How many colleges did you attend?
just the one

Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
i feel i've become increasingly daring when it comes to my clothes. or lazy, whichever you prefer. i grabbed the purple short sleeved jacket-like thing because i was wearing brown tights and i thought they didn't not match...

What are your thoughts on gas prices?
its so crazy...i just hope it stays under $2 for the rest of my life

First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
fuck this shit

Last thought before going to sleep last night?
i don't remember. probably 'mmm i love sleep' haha

Do you miss being a child?
i miss the no bills, the no responsibilities. but the freedom and the knowledge really are nice.

What errand/chore do you despise?
vacuuming...its so much work. cleaning the house, though vague, is my least favorite chore

Get up early or sleep in?
haha..what??? sleep in! sleep in! sleep in!!

Favorite lunch meat?
turkey. though certain roast beefs tickle my fancy

What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
??? cheap product

Beach or lake?
beach. o man, i wish i was at the beach now.

What are you listening to?
clickity clack

Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
i think the time we start to think about marriage is outdated. people live to 100, why are we getting married in our 20's??

Do you own land?
no...i rent.

Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
ryan & i share a secret affinity for 90's teen movies (can't hardly wait, drive me crazy, 10 things). thats how i know i've found my match.

Cowboys or Indians?
i'd rather fuck a cowboy. but i'd rather hang out with the indians...as long as they don't try to kill me.

Cops or Robbers?
fuck the police

Who from high school would you like to run in to?
what an odd and unnecessary question. honestly, who hopes to run into people from hs??

Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
SOPRANOS!!!!! omg that is the worst comparison.

Grey's or 'The Office?
the office is funny and i wish i had come back to it. i watched every episode of 1st & 2nd season and then just stopped.

What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
andy warhol

Indoors or Outdoor?
out in the sun. otherwise, fuck off outdoors.

Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
yes x2 or is it 3??

Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
thank god, no.

Do you have a teddy bear?
yes, but i don't know where they are. i think i left them at my parents'

What does someone have to do to get your attention?
say "hey casey." that usually works. or if they make a crack about my sister. i'll even kick you for that.

Do you go to church?
no. i'm not sure i believe in god, and my boyfriend hails from a family of atheists.

How old are you?
24

What do you need right now?
sleep. time off.

Whats the last thing you ate?
fruit snacks.

Do you have any pets?
just ryan.

Last thing you bought?
checkers dinner for my baby and i.

Are you going to work?
i'm at work fucker. don't remind me...

i seriously feel so over being here. god, why can't i just NOT HAVE A JOB????????? i wish that life existed. boo hoo.

anyway, happy new year. try to make a fun resolution, eh? the not-so-fun ones are always ignored anyway.

<3,
casey

put a price - put a price on my soul

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:10:45 GMT

the other night i had a dream that i got everything i ever asked for from my mama. not just from xmas, but all the stuff she didn't get me for my birthday.

it was a little disappointing to wake up and realize that no, i didn't get the little ones cd sing song, but it did get me exciting for xmas. its only 3 weeks away! what's even scarier is that jessica's wedding is in a week & a half. i've never been in a wedding before, so i am very nervous that i am going to fuck things up. like trip. or still be sick (cough + sneeze during the ceremony). or not fit into my dress! oy vey.

anyone know any good, fast diets? besides becoming anorexic, or diet pills. i hate diet pills..i have the nv ones (or something like that...in the tall red bottle), and i took them for one day. the whole day i felt like i had gone crazy. i feel like if i took those on a regular basis, i would become bipolar. i'm thinking liquid diet, & my sister told me to make sure i take lots of vitamins with that liquid. vitamins cost $$ though, & i'm running on the idea that if nothing comes my way (to pay for), i will survive the rest of the year. hopefully my work hands out bonuses too. if i get a bonus, i'm going to get new lenses for my glasses, and get emissions for my car. o how sad that i'm excited for those things.

let's see, let's see...tonight, i'm excited because my hair is going to be transformed from this discolored rat's nest to gorgeous, hair commercial hair! well...let's hope. i have a haircut appointment at 6:30, and then i'm going to go home and dye my hair black. its blue black...i wanted "bright black" but the box was $9 & i had to be price conscious and pick something lower. at walmart no less! i do a lot of my shopping there now...living in manassas and shopping at walmart. gas at raceway. lunch at checkers. ha, it feels kind of fun to play white trash.

in other news, i'm in a good mood because my boyfriend gets things done. he just sent me a text saying rent is paid (yay!), and he called me earlier letting me know he had taken care of our little problem. let's just say brian was supposed to be home last night so i could pick something up from him, & then i went over there and noah's like "my dad's here. brian isn't here." i was so mad! but ryan makes it all better. <3 i'm such a sap.

i think he made me love my hair more. ryan loves to rub my hair all over his face; he tries to do it all secretive when we're in public. and now i find myself rubbing my face in my hair...it does smell good. :)

la-la-love,
casey

gimme the keys you cocksuckin' motherfucker

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 22:17:14 GMT

i'm crawling out of my skin.

i think i'm going to try and leave early today, even though i was 30 minutes late...but its 5 and i have had next to nothing to do for the past 2 hours. i spent time making my xmas list here, but after a while i couldn't even think of things I wanted. then i did random shit, like check my bank account (eek) & my email againnnn. (gmu)

o somebody kill me please

the worst thing is that the only offers i've gotten for jobs are part time & way low pay, & the commute to work is starting to really drag me down, so i don't know if i should go ahead and take a shitty job thats closer to manassas, or if i should keep looking because i don't have such a bad thing going on at ecendant. i mean, for the majority of the time, i'm left alone, i know how to do everything, and i get along with (most of) my coworkers. but then peg does something so frustrating, or i realize how everyone i work with is an idiot, and i want to leave so bad. if i quit every time i hated my job...well, i guess it doesn't matter how many times its done, because it only needs to be done once.

& i'm starting to feel hopeless, because i'm getting closer and closer to death without a clear picture of what i want to do. ryan wants to quit his job and be a pizza delivery guy, which makes me think that we will be those 30 year olds stuck in shitty customer service jobs...but then i don't want to be hidden away in an office either.

i want to be an artist's assistant...i've already applied to 2 different places, but both times they were looking for part time workers (like 10-15 hours/wk) and the last place was in manassas, but she could only offer me $10/hr. the first place was in fairfax, and i had an interview with them...and then the woman told me she gave the job to someone else because she felt i needed "more hours than she could give me." bahhhhhh

i hate this shitty economy. i hate hating my job. i hate that it took me over an hour this morning to get to work because i drive one lane roads almost the whole way there and CARS ARE DUMB. especially when it comes to merging, OMYFUCKINGOD do not get me started on that. i hate the cold. i hate when ryan works nights. i hate applying to jobs. I HATE LIFE. well just the working part.

-c

hey hey we're the monkeys

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 17:22:25 GMT

people say we monkey around

:sigh: i'm bored. & i'm so sick of looking for jobs because nothing ever comes of it. seriously, i keep applying and other people keep getting hired. i feel unwanted (in the job world).

but i do like the apartment; that part is really just frosting on my home situation. not only do i have my own place, but i have a kitchen to make dinner in (& i love it! tonight i'm making spaghetti with mushrooms, tomatoes and meat sauce), i have a bed to share with ryan, and we have a spacious living room to hang out and do as we please without interruption or interrogation.

i just wish they'd build a super target somewhere nearby...like where google maps said there would be one!!! all we have is a shitty walmart and a giant thats further down sudley then my place.

<3,
casey

o i'll never be as happy as i can be.

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 15:19:08 GMT

sometimes i get lost in how many hip, artistic people are out there. i am these things (right?), just not such a concentrated mass of it....lj is so full of these people with their black framed glasses and their monster drawings and the pillows they made out of those monster drawings. i don't have time for that shit.

i do wish i took more photos though. i guess...i wish i actually posted the pics that i did take. o i'll never be as happy as i can be.

in much darker scarier news, when i woke up on sunday i was covered in sweat and wondering what happened to my saturday night. ryan told me that i was a drunk monster and kept stumbling around everywhere and dragging him outside for cigarettes. i don't remember nofx playing (how sad). & i just cannot believe at how drunk i let myself get. seriously, i thought i was being a more responsible drunk and i just threw all that shit out the window that night. it probably had something to do with my newly found friend pbr...that huge can for only $6?? sign me up playa.

what i do remember was a good time leading up to the great blackout.
i remember teenage bottlerocket (ya we were at the front + every song they played i knew!)
i remember kale buying me & ryan vip tickets (ya!)
i remember going outside for cigarettes & the ashtray was smoking like fire.
i remember asking the vip bartender if i could touch her afro, and when she said no i kept trying to touch it anyway (i think that was around the time i was on my way out).

oy i just feel like a total douche. we had planned to hit up some after party and that didn't happen. ryan sorta says it was because i was so gone, but also because he didn't want to go. & matt + noah both drove home with us and saw me in my sorry state...and this is right after noah tells me he considers me a friend, out of the blue! i'm so self destructive...

i started thinking maybe i really can't have a normal relationship with alcohol...which really isn't fair. i see people who drink 3 drinks, get tipsy and are good for the rest of the night & i'm like 'why can't that be me????' i mean, in a way, i'm proud that i am usually the last girl up, throwing back beers with the rest of the stragglers. but either that happens, or i'm this out-of-control louse of an alcoholic, drinking more than i should and giving you a loud FUCK YOU if you try to take my beer. i just feel bad for terrorizing ryan.

i also burned myself on two different fingers, got a weird circular bruise on my arm, and my ankles have been feeling funny. thats probably all the running around i've been doing though.

& now i'm at work where it is dead as shit. and its cold in this motherfucker. i can't believe how cold it gets in this office. i guess i'll write something...any suggestions? something on the darker side would be preferred. a list of topics i have wrote about so far...

waking up in a mental institution / shock therapy
a group of guys fucking a female cadaver
a girl loving another girl who is dead floating in the water
drug addiction x2
having a zombie friend i need to feed my flesh to (out of the kindness of my heart)

i'm sure you get the picture. hey, when did live journal become undead journal? way to jump on the indie bandwagon you fucks.

<3,
casey

p.s. i love me & ryan's new apartment. it already feels like home, which feels like a sappy thing to say, but it really does. i love sharing everything with him.

what if you just eat a lot of chocolate like, all the time?

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 19:51:11 GMT

i actually didn't end up getting either of those ebay items but i eventually won a different, better! nightgown, a garter belt and a corset. how sexy, eh??? its all white too, so with my black hair and the red blood/lips i'm going to look so delicious. i'm seriously super excited. seriously.

yesterday i went to kings dominion with ryan since we had only used the tickets we bought in july once. i wasn't sure what to expect, and everything turned out perfect. it was amazing how perfect it really was. let's make a list, shall we?

-sunny weather, but not too hot
-no traffic going there or back
-next to no lines at almost every ride
-not crowded at all
-ryan & i got along swimmingly
-the halloween stuff was awesome!!!!

they had multiple mazes you could go into and they were all fantastic. one was a carnival theme where the walls were 3D and the clowns wore 3D patterned outfits. another was some toxic waste theme, and one of the rooms was all strobe light and some guy chopping up bodies - blood everywhere!!! it was just great...at around 7 p.m. all of a sudden kings dominion just immerses itself in halloween fun...even outside the mazes there are "ghouls" lurking about and will chase you if you walk by them. the ride where you drive a car around a track had characters chasing after you with a chainsaw. o man, it was just absolutely fabulous.

anyways...i just realized that i have until next monday to find a new job and put my two weeks in...otherwise i will be driving from manassas to dulles in the mornings. i would rather not work than be suffering through that type of commute.
i just realized that in every dream last night i was so high energy...in one, someone said their hours were like 7am-4 and i was like "no way, i could never do that!" and they were like "o but i get to drink starbucks every morning." and i was just not having it, "i don't care that it just wayyyy too early for me!" in another one, i was bitching about how my parents are buying devin a guitar now, after they bought him drums that he now never uses.

i don't know...i really feel like i'm going to explode if something doesn't happen soon. i'm tired of the prospect of any job. any lifestyle that promises repetition makes me cringe...scares the fuck out of me. i guess i feel like a caged animal, i want to bust out and stop following in line. ehhh, sometimes i just get that whole feeling, where i'm silent, unmoving...but if you were to listen in on my head you would just hear these screams of pain and misery.

the last day i saw you
you're wearing the suit you wore
when we went to jessica's wedding.
the suit you spilled my
cranberry vodka on,
when you stumbled back from the open bar.
i remember that shiny, black tie,
how i'd pull it
when i wanted your attention.
That crisp black shirt;
it still displays the folds
from when it sat atop your dresser
for months.
everyone else there,
they all cry
with their hands up, taking loud gulps of air.
everyone gray and black and sorry,
they bow their heads and pray
for a god you never believed in.
i don't pray,
i don't cry,
all i do is think of you in that suit.
you always looked so handsome
in that suit.

ya....an idea i had..i just wrote it out now, so its not a final at all. i just wanted to write it out before i forgot about it. i always think of writing ideas and then i forget them...or lose interest.

o man i am so tired. this morning i wanted to take a nap SO BAD. thats what makes me miss school the most (haha), that i could take a nap when i wanted to in class...at work, people are actually paying you to be there so its harder to get away with it. i also miss the learning....it was always such a warm & lovely feeling for me.

<3,
ccccccccccc