_youpromisedme

i realized today that i stress out and worry too much. my mind is a little trap that works an idea through the system again and again, like if i think about it enough i'll be sure to see every flaw from a mile away. i don't know how much more i can think about it from now until november before i just explode with worry and die of young age.

i realized today that my soul mate loves me, even when i'm throwing a tantrum and crying because he tells me the truth. he's a hard worker and the best lover, friend, boyfriend, partner, etc. i've ever had. i don't think i will ever lose him, but i'm still terrified i will. o great, something else to worry about.

i realized today that everything boils down to confidence. at used up's last show, a split second mistake caused noah to make a face, making it obvious. i told them later that if i hadn't seen him do that, i would've thought the whole thing was part of the show. i struggle with confidence, only because its something my mother lacks and something i never felt i had growing up. its a must-have in every situation, and i'm slowly swallowing it down. the trick is to tell them you can do anything and then look it up later.

i realized today that i still get depressed. i thought maybe it was a horny, angst-y teenage thing, but now its more of a hopeless, sluggish 20-something thing. it works together with the anti-confidence and likes to fuck with my head. my biggest fault is my enormous self doubt.

sunny work days make me the most depressed.

lately i have been feeling my age. NOT OLD, i know! just...getting bored really. honestly, i'm thinking about my future, and what i want to end up doing with my life. & something that needs to change is my location.

its not the snow. i mean, i got 3 days off work this week, so some cold & wetness i will handle for that. but residing on the west coast is what i need to do. its in my blood, and the older i get, the more i want to find something that i can run with, that i can build on and create. every time i think of things to do, though, i look around and realize i'm in virginia, and i can't start anything because then i'll be stuck here for good and god damnit will i kill myself then.

ryan & i want to move to california, previous home for both of us. he says hollywood; i want to be in southern cal & near a beach, so if they coincide, so be it. honestly, i came from san jose so i'm not familiar with that area at all. throw in the mix, ryan's good friend noah, who comes over & brings all this stuff up. he's heading there end of this year, with friends or alone, but he pushes for us to come with him. ryan & i have not saved much money to do this & noah has saved $3K, so we're hesitant. our lease is up in october, so do we renew or do we wing it, do we just do it because how else are we going to get out there?

the point is, i have no idea what to do. i've already decided i will sell my car, and we will keep ryan's car. kbb rates my car as having a value of $7000 - $8500, but thats not any kind of guarantee. i can save money here and there..how do i know its enough? i worry about not getting a job for forever, and being stuck in ryan's grandma's house (she lives in lawndale). i think he is really fearful of that.

its such a big decision. if anyone had any guidance i would love to hear it...........i suppose i will get out there eventually, the hard part is knowing when i'm ready. i don't want to be stranded, but then i tell myself 'how could you be, ryan has so much family out there, my dad lives out there, blah blah blah'
being such a bump on a log makes it so hard to move.

not just job-work, but work-work, as in packing and lifting heavy boxes and bags and furniture, and unpacking and stressing about it all. i want to go back to being a bump on a couch.

but in greater news, the new place is pretty cool. its like another version of our old apartment, but better. like instead of Manassas Apartment #243 Level D, we are now in Manassas Apartment #243 Level B. Everything is newer, and the floorplan is more open, and the walk-in closet is even bigger, which is silly but excites me the most. that makes me feel like such a chick.

anyway, the place is a townhouse broken up like a duplex, though the people above us have their own door and stairs to their place. so our address has no apartment number, which is nice, and the neighborhood feels more like one than an apartment complex. o, and its $45 cheaper a month!! so, life is good...

****

i am so worried about halloween...its a little more than a week away, and though i've thought about what i'm going to be, i have no idea how to pull it off. i haven't done anything for halloween, the move has kind of taken over my october. i'm going to halloween parties, so i need a good costume! hopefully i can get away with clothes i already have...because that's what i plan on doing!

****

so all this talk lately of kids growing up is boggling my mind. i still feel like a fuckin teenager a lot of the time, so i have no plans anytime soon for marriage or children...even if i'm almost at the age that i should be thinking about it! (ha, almost, who am i kidding..) but carey d. is getting married, and i saw today that veronica (friend of jessica's) is fuckin pregnant. she just got married AND NOW SHE'S PREGNANT!! honestly, who wants to jump into it that fast?? the whole thing gives me the creeps. i never feel steady, and i'd rather not bring in people to rely on me even more than people already do.


****

its nice to have this thing called internet to keep up with other people's lives. i think i would otherwise feel utterly alone, already more than i do. sometimes, and i'm not exactly sure what initiates this, but ryan and i will get high and be watching tv, and i will start to think about my future life, and freak out. i'll start thinking about how i'll have no friends, just ryan's friends, who don't really care about me, so i'll ultimately have no friends, and it really scares me. i think of how long its been since i've seen people, and if we can still be friends since its been so long. it's tough...i'm such a shut in and i like domestic life, but lately i've been feeling like i do need to get out. i need someone else's opinion on anything, because ryan is my main friend right now...i also feel, for his sake, that i should venture out and get a life. its just...what do i do? i'm poor as a rat right now, i can't afford to go out, i can't afford anything really. maybe soon since rent has gone down :), but for now i feel trapped. like always i suppose.

i'm starting to think of my years past, and the consistencies in my life, which makes me feel old. like, who was i at 21, or 23? didn't i always feel this way? a propensity toward isolation, and then always regretting it because of the loneliness. man, moving has made me crazy. i just want to go back to having time after work for me. i need to go back to writing and submitting. i've been writing but not submitting, which is good but not as productive. that's my way out....i can write goddamnit. i just need to start writing to save my life.

love,
casey

p.s. check out my icon - so cool! i love skulls

*=she left me roses by the stairs - surprises let me know she cares

2 points of interest:

uno.awesome soda display!! i wish i lived in places that did stuff like this. it seems i got stuck in an area where nobody gives a shit about shit. funny, that sounds like me...i guess what goes around really is what comes around.




dos.i'm going to the salon this saturday since i have all day to myself - ryan is going to nj (overnight! boohoo) for an iron wolf show (he plays substitute bass) & i was told by noah (iron wolf drummer) that i didn't want to go...apparently they are all taking one car together and it gets smelly. whatever, i'm getting my hair done! i plan on bringing this picture and hopefully i can get a look like this. i've done it all, so its time for something new. i'm not sure about black tips, maybe red? we'll see what "Lan" (hairstylist) thinks.

i swear, there is something wrong with me. i get so jealous over stupid stuff. ug its annoying and i just have to keep focusing on how i'm around now. .....ryan knows this girl amy (that he used to have a crush on :/) who's been friends with him and all the other guys since high school. she posts this facebook album filled with pics of them all back then, and its dumb, but i get pangs of jealousy. how she knows these guys all so intimately, from so far back, and i'm just the new girl. the flash in the pan, the girlfriend. its this whole thing about being loved, i want it to the point where i don't want anyone else to have it? that doesn't even make sense.


monday night was noah's bday & i had way too much to drink & i think i made myself sick. my throat hurts, blah. i'm going to see teenage bottlerocket this thursday and i don't even want to drink. isn't that crazy? i am feeling so dull overall. & work is all slow, which just makes the whole day go by so slow. lunchtime, come faster!

also, can you believe its the end of june? the year is more than halfway over now...summer will be over soon, then 2009, and then before you know it, i'm celebrating my 30th birthday. if i'm not dead before then. sometimes i wonder if i've pushed my body too far. then i think, there's probably people who do more than me...who get shit faced every day all day and they're still alive. i guess i've been feeling old lately. at noah's party, we were talking about getting "old" and he says "23 is not old, 25, 30 isn't old either" and i had to argue & point out "old is a state of mind." some days i feel young. some days i feel old.

and i had to argue...i hope people love me for that. oh shit, there i go again.

love,
casey

it's nice that livejournal has returned to being empty. my friends page is filled with carey & raptamakeout (art community) updates, which i find soothing. no one will read this

its been a long time since i've had some free time at work. since i finished my monday reports all on monday for the first time in a while (o my!), my whole week has been filled with these giant empty holes of time where i don't know what to do. i used to yearn for those times when i could do whatever i wanted, but now i feel guilty. i feel like i should be doing something and i just can't figure out what. o fuggit

one thing that has been really irking me lately is the amount of homophobia that still exists in this country. sure there's the conservative fucks who still call black people 'ni**ers' behind closed doors, but i'm talking about people in the public eye. i guess they could still be conservative fucks, but being part of the media, i would hope you would keep up to date with the media and its people. I guess I just don't understand how someone can look at a gay person and see 'freak', 'monster' or what have you. I mean for Chrissakes, Ellen is gay. Sweet, funny Ellen is a lesbian, a card-carrying dyke, and all she wanted was to marry her pretty little bride. So I have to ask, what part of that freaks out conservatives? Is it because its not the nuclear family, which by the way, has been out of date for LONG LONG TIME.

I read a story the other day about how a gay couple and their children were denied a family discount at a water park because the management told them that the state had specified that a family only consists of a man, woman and children. A lot of people commented about single mothers/fathers who raise their children - are they not considered a family??? Personally, I think whoever told them that is a major idiot who was just taking their homophobia out on these people. But it scares me that we are getting to this point, where people are becoming so forward about it all. Like the one radio station hosts that called all transsexual & sexually confused children "freaks," and encouraged listeners to berate and tease this kids. Yah, smart! Let's give bullies more fodder and children more reasons to not want to go to school. Or more reasons to kill themselves!

And it also drives me crazy that two women or two men getting married shits on the sanctity of marriage, but 2 trashed straight retards can get married in vegas in 30 minutes, and that's fine. If anything shits on the sanctity of marriage, its divorce. I think the real reason, the only reason, that gay marriage is such an issue is because they don't want gay people to have the rights. That's all. My religion, marriage is between a man & a woman, blah blah blah. it's all bullshit. All they really want is for marriage is to stay theirs, so basically we're back in kindergarten, and no one wants to share. Ug. I repeat myself, but Bob Dylan called it before it even started happening.

how many years can some people exist before they're allowed to be free?

In other news...My "as many shows as possible" resolution is going okay. Money prevents me from going to every show I want to go to unfortunately, but i've got No Doubt this sunday!!! And have Teenage Bottlerocket later this month. I've already seen Alkaline Trio and Joey Cape (Joey Capo!) this year, and am discussing All Points West (music fest in NJ) with my sister. I <3 shows.

Also...I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA FOR EIGHT STRAIGHT DAYS IN AUGUST!!! We'll be in the LA area, which I've never been to, and I'm going with Ryan so I'm so excited. His grandma bought my ticket, can you believe it? I was shocked...I tease him by saying they probably expect me to become part of the family soon :) (he says he doesn't want to get married but i'll get him) Marriage can wait, but the wedding is what excites me. I've decided I want my colors to be red, yellow and white. I want a yellow & white wedding dress with a big red flower in my hair :) Ryan wants to wear green, which matches because of the yellow. Without it, it would be Xmas colors, but I want a summer wedding so that would not work. Ha, listen to me. Just a girl I guess.

Lunchtime!
Love,
Casey

because its me and all i'm trying to tell you is WHAT TO DO.

why can't saturday come soonER????

why can't a job just fall into my lap?

admittedly, i'd probably hate to be working in falls church, especially now that i live in manassas, but i remember i had applied to work for a newspaper and they actually contacted me for an interview, but i ignored it bc i decided i didn't want to work in falls church. i sort of kick myself over that.

now its like jobs have gone extinct, or maybe just for people like me who don't have amazing resumes. & i'm really bad at getting comfortable and ignoring everything else, because a part of me is hesitant to get a new job. i think to myself, 'i know what i'm doing, i'm completely knowledgeable on all the going ons of this company, i know everyone, blah blah blah.' plus ms. pega (for non-tracking purposes, i added the a) is gone now, which is mostly a good thing.

i say mostly because now crazy people like (evil AE) can run free and do whatever their crazy perfectionist minds can think of. there's a website we (mostly codee) have been working on day & night (mostly day), and today i get an email from her saying "i must be the only one who checks this site. now please make all these edits that randomly came into my head but you should have seen coming." that stuff boils my blood. i mean, its my job to check stuff before sending it, so thats like a slap in the face.

so its stuff like that that makes me think, 'maybe there's something better out there.' is there a job where i can make how much i'm making, not hate the work, and get along with everyone? i see tons of "fun" jobs out there, but where there's fun, there's usually not money. i'm hanging by a string as it is, so taking a pay cut is not an option.

i'm going to go job searching, but i don't expect to find anything! because there's probably nothing there.

<3,
casey

gotta kick ass
gotta be kick ass
gotta kick ass
i gotta be kick ass, gotta be kick ass

lately i've been feeling pretty hopeless. blame it on the (cold) wind if you'd like, but i feel sort of depressed. and i hate it, because i cry so easy....i don't know if thats just me, or if maybe i've just been depressed all my life. its a little unbearable sometimes. for example,

ryan's birthday is today, and his friends are having a party at this one guy's house. we've talked about the party, and ryan has said things like, "is it lame to leave your own party early?" when i asked him why, he said "because i don't like parties, i'm not a party kind of person." and "its going to be small, just a couple of people are invited."
so imagine my surprise when i see that this adam guy (who is more a friend of ryan's friend noah) had put up the party as a facebook event, and invited over 30 people. i call ryan to tell him about it, who thinks i'm complaining about it, so is just like "ya? so what?" i get offended that he's being rude and automatically i feel like crying. i end up sort of hanging up on him (i said 'bye' and then hung up without waiting for a reply), which he gets pissed about. (text: "thanks for the birthday hang up") and then for the next 20 minutes, i still feel like crying. i don't (thank god - i'm at work!) but the whole thing just annoys me.

& also, its like, ryan feels like my soul mate because we always make each other laugh, and usually have the same opinions, and just feel the same way about so many things, important things, like religion, and where to live, and even how to raise our non-existent, probably won't happen child (no tv until he/she graduates from middle school and if they skip out on chores they don't get any food). :)
but then we fight about something as stupid as this, and i'm like "is this really how its supposed to go?" how do you know how much fighting you should do? how much is too much? they say you fight with someone because you care, but what's to care about in a fight like that?

it always comes back to the same thing - i don't know whats normal, and whats not. What goes on in a relationship between two people is one thing you can't compare to others, because how do you know what other people do? all you can compare it to is other relationships you've had, and i will say that ryan is the healthiest i have been as far as romance. he's not an alcoholic, not a slut, and not an asshole. haha..i guess that really is the epitome of them all.

i guess, its not really a question of 'is he good enough' or not, because he is. he loves me, he compliments me, he honestly has improved my self esteem, he makes me laugh, he laughs at my jokes, he loves music & movies, he's witty, he's knowledgeable.....i just wish he never snapped at me. i wish he never got depressed...one of the reasons we probably get along so well is because of how alike we are. including his moods, his insecurities, his inner anger.

nobody's perfect though. i love him, and that means loving his faults right? i just wish he never made me cry, but i guess thats hard for someone in my life as much as he is. since, you know, i cry if my shoe's untied. (ha ha)

<3,
casey

that you want to die
i said i've been there before
more than a few times
i go back every once & awhile
you, called me lucky. you
called me lucky.

its in my head!!!! i can't get it out. btw, where do they buy organs? how do i sign up to sell my organs??? livejournal, you brought it up!! point me in the right direction goddamnit.

work sucks. i know
man i just want to get back to not working, 4 day weekends with my baby. i need that much time to decompress.


What bill do you hate paying the most?
credit card, bank of america SHIT


Whens the last time someone cooked you a romantic dinner?
not too long ago ryan made me breakfast in bed. i think thats more romantic than the schlep we eat for dinner.


Whats the farthest you would drive to see someone?
well i drove to woodbridge from centreville to give ryan dinner once. that was far enough for me.


How many colleges did you attend?
just the one


Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
i feel i've become increasingly daring when it comes to my clothes. or lazy, whichever you prefer. i grabbed the purple short sleeved jacket-like thing because i was wearing brown tights and i thought they didn't not match...


What are your thoughts on gas prices?
its so crazy...i just hope it stays under $2 for the rest of my life


First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
fuck this shit


Last thought before going to sleep last night?
i don't remember. probably 'mmm i love sleep' haha


Do you miss being a child?
i miss the no bills, the no responsibilities. but the freedom and the knowledge really are nice.


What errand/chore do you despise?
vacuuming...its so much work. cleaning the house, though vague, is my least favorite chore

Get up early or sleep in?
haha..what??? sleep in! sleep in! sleep in!!

Favorite lunch meat?
turkey. though certain roast beefs tickle my fancy


What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
??? cheap product


Beach or lake?
beach. o man, i wish i was at the beach now.


What are you listening to?
clickity clack


Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
i think the time we start to think about marriage is outdated. people live to 100, why are we getting married in our 20's??


Do you own land?
no...i rent.


Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
ryan & i share a secret affinity for 90's teen movies (can't hardly wait, drive me crazy, 10 things). thats how i know i've found my match.


Cowboys or Indians?
i'd rather fuck a cowboy. but i'd rather hang out with the indians...as long as they don't try to kill me.


Cops or Robbers?
fuck the police


Who from high school would you like to run in to?
what an odd and unnecessary question. honestly, who hopes to run into people from hs??


Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
SOPRANOS!!!!! omg that is the worst comparison.


Grey's or 'The Office?
the office is funny and i wish i had come back to it. i watched every episode of 1st & 2nd season and then just stopped.


What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
andy warhol


Indoors or Outdoor?
out in the sun. otherwise, fuck off outdoors.


Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
yes x2 or is it 3??


Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
thank god, no.


Do you have a teddy bear?
yes, but i don't know where they are. i think i left them at my parents'


What does someone have to do to get your attention?
say "hey casey." that usually works. or if they make a crack about my sister. i'll even kick you for that.


Do you go to church?
no. i'm not sure i believe in god, and my boyfriend hails from a family of atheists.


How old are you?
24


What do you need right now?
sleep. time off.


Whats the last thing you ate?
fruit snacks.


Do you have any pets?
just ryan.


Last thing you bought?
checkers dinner for my baby and i.


Are you going to work?
i'm at work fucker. don't remind me...


i seriously feel so over being here. god, why can't i just NOT HAVE A JOB????????? i wish that life existed. boo hoo.

anyway, happy new year. try to make a fun resolution, eh? the not-so-fun ones are always ignored anyway.

<3,
casey