- October 22nd, 2009
not just job-work, but work-work, as in packing and lifting heavy boxes and bags and furniture, and unpacking and stressing about it all. i want to go back to being a bump on a couch.
but in greater news, the new place is pretty cool. its like another version of our old apartment, but better. like instead of Manassas Apartment #243 Level D, we are now in Manassas Apartment #243 Level B. Everything is newer, and the floorplan is more open, and the walk-in closet is even bigger, which is silly but excites me the most. that makes me feel like such a chick.
anyway, the place is a townhouse broken up like a duplex, though the people above us have their own door and stairs to their place. so our address has no apartment number, which is nice, and the neighborhood feels more like one than an apartment complex. o, and its $45 cheaper a month!! so, life is good...
i am so worried about halloween...its a little more than a week away, and though i've thought about what i'm going to be, i have no idea how to pull it off. i haven't done anything for halloween, the move has kind of taken over my october. i'm going to halloween parties, so i need a good costume! hopefully i can get away with clothes i already have...because that's what i plan on doing!
so all this talk lately of kids growing up is boggling my mind. i still feel like a fuckin teenager a lot of the time, so i have no plans anytime soon for marriage or children...even if i'm almost at the age that i should be thinking about it! (ha, almost, who am i kidding..) but carey d. is getting married, and i saw today that veronica (friend of jessica's) is fuckin pregnant. she just got married AND NOW SHE'S PREGNANT!! honestly, who wants to jump into it that fast?? the whole thing gives me the creeps. i never feel steady, and i'd rather not bring in people to rely on me even more than people already do.
its nice to have this thing called internet to keep up with other people's lives. i think i would otherwise feel utterly alone, already more than i do. sometimes, and i'm not exactly sure what initiates this, but ryan and i will get high and be watching tv, and i will start to think about my future life, and freak out. i'll start thinking about how i'll have no friends, just ryan's friends, who don't really care about me, so i'll ultimately have no friends, and it really scares me. i think of how long its been since i've seen people, and if we can still be friends since its been so long. it's tough...i'm such a shut in and i like domestic life, but lately i've been feeling like i do need to get out. i need someone else's opinion on anything, because ryan is my main friend right now...i also feel, for his sake, that i should venture out and get a life. its just...what do i do? i'm poor as a rat right now, i can't afford to go out, i can't afford anything really. maybe soon since rent has gone down :), but for now i feel trapped. like always i suppose.
i'm starting to think of my years past, and the consistencies in my life, which makes me feel old. like, who was i at 21, or 23? didn't i always feel this way? a propensity toward isolation, and then always regretting it because of the loneliness. man, moving has made me crazy. i just want to go back to having time after work for me. i need to go back to writing and submitting. i've been writing but not submitting, which is good but not as productive. that's my way out....i can write goddamnit. i just need to start writing to save my life.
p.s. check out my icon - so cool! i love skulls
*=she left me roses by the stairs - surprises let me know she cares