Something Wild

Exist To Exit

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 19:00:05 GMT

You know, I am so fucking pissed off. My blood is boiling and my head is whirling with rage.
That poxy little shop annoys me so fucking much. And this bastard street.

So, yesterday, we had the usual parade of arse holes in the street, throwing snowballs at the windows, hurling abuse at my parents. They hit my Dad in the face with a snowball, so he gave chase but the little shit had a head start due to our front gate being a bastard. Called the police, and they've still not taken any interest.
Those are the arse holes that kick peoples cars for no reason and burn anything they find in the back lane.

So, work. We had the usual array of drunken arse holes in trying to be clever, Steve decided to offload all of his jobs onto us, and then when i finally got a break, he was fluttering around me when I'm trying to relax. "Can you just count this, and this and sign this?" How about no? this afternoon was a fucking nightmare. I swept the shop, and my God, whoever usually sweeps the floor needs a lesson in hygene. There was still salt on the floor from when we had snow last week!! The mats were pitted with dust, dirt and salt. I shook them outside, as we're supposed to do every afternoon, and there was dust everywhere, all over my clothing, my tabbard, in my hair, there was even a thick layer of the shit on the inside of my glasses. Whoever usually sweeps up needs to learn how to push down with the sweeping brush so it actually moves the dirt, not just unsettles it. A sweeping brush is a tool used to aid sweeping up, it's the person who actually sweeps up. Then mopping the floor, Jesus Christ.... Whoever mops up can't rinse a bastard mop out. Clean water and floor cleaner was Ok, but the mop was a disgrace, it left dirty streaks everywhere and it took me ages to get it clean.
Next we have a shop lifter! The bastard got fucking lippy and was almost getting violent when told to leave the shop. I'm sick and tired of that fucking place. I'm sick and tired of every fucking where! You aren't safe at work, and you aren't safe in your own home....
What the fuck can we do though? We're expected to leave everything to the police, but they don't do anything. MEH!

Well, one good thing that happened today was that this guy came into the shop. Black hair, tight pants, eyeliner, oooh, he awakened in me something I've not felt for a long time, he definately reached out and touched a carnal urge... I had a hard time working for the next hour or so.... Let's just say, if I were a guy, I would have had the hugest errection in history!

Also, I had a strange dream last night. I was in a school, an all girls school, Catholic I think. Everything was white, the walls, floors, ceilings, the works. Something was chasing me, it was big, and black, and evil. It had red eyes and fiery breath. It chased me outside, through some woods that were dark an eerie, reminded me of the woods in Sleepy Hollow (Christina Ricci, yum!), and there were tree roots everywhere. I tripped over and couldn't get back up. I lay there and just opened my legs ready for the evil to take me. Strangely, I woke up wanting that evil more than I have ever wanted anything before... Just wanting...Lusting...
I think I'm corrupt.

Erlandsson
xXx

Throught the maw of the wanton a carriage was drawn

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 10:10:45 GMT

Well, I've had an interested weekend. Adam and I make a right pair. He had a depressive moment on Sunday. We were in his room dancing to a Cd I had, and he started crying. I comforted him and talked to him, and he told me that he feels old, and the only thing in his life worth living for is me. He knows what the doctor told me in my letter, which I haven't actually updated about. He know's I'm in the "borderline depressive" stage, and he hates it. He hates the part where he has to leave me and he can't be there to pick up my broken pieces. Today, Adam found my razors. He threw them out. I'm embarassed to say that I actually went looking for them, but I can't find them. I'm sure that Adam understands what is actually going on inside my head, but that's not importent, because I don't know either.
I have a lovely lie in tomorrow. The delivery will be a day late, so I'm working from 11 until 530 tomorrow, instead of 830 til 530.
It's terrible at the moment. Steve's in a flap, and Jenny is reallt irrate, £50 cash has gone missing. It's when they come up to you and say this and you don't know what to say. You just stand there and kinda go "Oh..." and look away. I just know it's going to come down to each employee being talked to and questionned. They're probably going to connect the camera's again. I don't mind this, because I don't have anything to hide, but I've become close to everyone I'm working with, and it's going to be terrible when they find out who it is. They may already have the camera's in, they'll have me wiping my nose on my tabard *blushes* lol, oh well!

I was going to Berlins tongiht, but I really don't want to now. It seems everyone'e moved on and stuff....

Oh yeah, that letter from the Doctor, I have borderline bipolar disorder. Another label, yet no closer to being any better.

I was watching Charlies Angels II this afternoon, man I fucking love Drew Barrymore!

Erlandsson
xXx

My man.My love...My unicorn

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 10:09:19 GMT

I feel awful. I have no appetite whatsoever and I forced myself to eat tonight, I just feel so sick.
I got my new shoes today and I haven't taken them off yet. I've spent my energy by jumping about in my new shoes for 5 minutes, just to test them. I'm extremely lethargic now. It's taken 15 minutes to type these few lines so far.
Adam invited me out for a meal tomorrow night, but he took back the invitation cos I finish at 430, and I won't get to his house until 630. I don't know what to do tonight, I can't be arsed to go to bed, I can't be arsed to stay here. I just want to go to that plane of non-existance.

I've found that the more I hide my true feelings, the more I force a smile to cover my depression, the more lethargic I get.

Erlandsson
xXx

Wibble

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 10:08:11 GMT

I just had one hell of a temper tantrum, and it was all over nothing. There was pieces of my bedroom door all over the landing and all down the stairs.

I got my new t-shirt and my new shoes! Me like.

Fuck it, I'm depressed.

Erlandsson
xXx

Thu, 26 Feb 2004 20:24:42 GMT

I need punk music, lots and lots of punk.

Fuck biscuits

Sat, 21 Feb 2004 20:53:13 GMT

I have not been here for absolutely ages. I can't believe these things don't have some kind of expiry shit on them.
God I am so bored tonight. I'm tired, but restless if that makes any sense at all! Besides, I'm waiting for Adam to come back online.
Tomorrow is going to be so cool. I can spend as long as I want in bed, NO 4:30am wake up call, then doze off again in the bath!!!
I'm fucking ill again. GAY. My ulcerative colitis is flaring up in bits so I'm going back on that mesalazine stuff, and I'm back on ferrous Sulphate. My turd has turned black once again. Fuck biscuits. I'm also on anti-biotics for some kind of gay throat infection, and extreme pain killers for extreme period pains. Adam saw the worst of it on Thursday, God that was terrible. I swear to God, if you listen carefully you can hear me rattle as I move. Call me Farmer. Farmer C. Baddum tsh.
Just watched Charmed. Some little shit killed Leo a couple of weeks ago, and just as your fucking intrigued as to how they could kill one of the main characters of (Pre excluded) they show repeats of the old bastard series. I tuned in last week and saw Prue and I was like "What the Fuck??"
Sharon's getting wrong at work. She's been off for absolutely ages. She said she was going on the sick cos she had cancer in her womb and she had to go to hospital, then she ad recovery time, then she was asked to get a doctors certificate to say that she's been off ill, and that she is now fit to work. We have seen no such thing. We keep asking her and asking her, but she's just not doing it. Without the sick note thing, she's not getting any money at all, and we're starting to wonder if she has actually been to hospital in the first place. Oh well. Failed.
When Jenny's off for Maternity leave, I'll be senior sales assistant, and I won't have to start work until 11am! Excellent!!
Fucking hell! I hjust got a virus, luckily Norton denied access to it.

Bah, I'm bored, tired and in pain.
Adam just signed in!!! Yay!

Triple Corpse! Hammer blow!

Tue, 20 Jan 2004 16:47:23 GMT

Today was pretty boring. I started work later than usual, and when I got in there was a delivery, so the morning did go pretty fast. I was feeling pretty ditzy and clumsy today.
I decided during a boring quiet period that I need to start looking after my body and my health. I'm going to try and eliminate junk food, and get a regular cleaning routine to try and rid myself of the horrible skin on my feet. I need to try and exercise too, just to try and lose a bit of flab and get toned.
Vicki is much too bold for my liking right now. I don't know why I feel this way, just she's talking really openly about her life and Alex. In two minds exzisting simultaneously, I both don't want to know, and I am too nosey that I want to know it all. Maybe it's just cos I'm missing her? I only ever see her at work now.
Right now I'm burning Cd's and relaxing. I'm looking forward to when my father comes home, because it will be soon dinner time! My mum's cooked my favourite, Roast Chicken dinner with loads of veg! Yummy! I'm definately looking forward to it, I've starved myself since 11 o clock just to make room for it all!
I have just managed to remind myself to ask Adam tonight if he'd like to go and see Surferosa on the 11th Feb. 11th Feb! If you're available, O mysterious stranger reading my journal, make sure you're there! I really hope Surferosa make it big. I want to see them have a long and succesful career. I am really interested to know what a band in their line of music would do!
I bought some coasters today! They have 50's pin=up models on them. I love all that retro stuff!

~Yael~
xXx

Mon, 19 Jan 2004 19:50:29 GMT

Right, a while ago, my ex girlfriend invited me to move in with her, her girlfriend Alex, and a friend we all know, Jason. To be honest the decision was rash, I said yes, but now I can't. I don't think I would realy like to hear my ex and her new girlfriend fucking all the time, and I'm not in a mentally stable place to be independant. Its best to stay put just until I'm sure that my eating disorder, self harm and schizophrenia are out of the way. I am feeling good about myself though, this year I am sorting out my life, clearing away emotional and physical baggage. I'm currently on the project of clearing out my bedroom, giving it a good spring clean and the whole "out with the old, in with the new" affair. I want new bed sheets, a new wardrobem and a few items of storage, especially for my base guitar.
I have quite a few drawer units, probably one more than I actually need, but they belong to my parents and I can't really just throw them away without permission. It's amazing seeing the amount of shite you can collect over time!
This year is definately a good year, I found out that a band that were supporting Electric 6 last year, Surferosa, have their own UK tour this year, and they are playing a Newcastle date one the night before my day off! I fell in love with Surferosa, they have a good image, great music, and the fact that they are playing Newcastle shows they listen to the needs of their fans. There are a lot of people who saw them in Newcastle who have been posting messages on the official guest book on their website saying that they would love to see surferosa again. Can you love anything more than a band with a good level of interaction with the fans?
Later on this year, I'm going to Bloodstock too, I have half of the money, and the days booked off work. It's going to be really brilliant because the whole festival is really like a Power Metal festival, and Power Metal rules! Oh, and Children of Bodom are palying! Fantastic! Children of Bodom are an absolutely fantastic band, and Alexi is very, very hott!!
I'm keeping my eyes and ears open for other festivals and concerts that are taking place. I now have the money, thanks to my brand new old job! Well, new hours, old job! I keep getting compliments from my manager too. Today he commented on how hard I work, and I've heard from my mum that he thinks I'm good at using initiative! I take that as quite a compliment, especially considering I am not entirely the brightest person! I blame the fact that I am blonde.
Today, Adam and I moved another step up on the relationship ladder. We've decided to take out a joint bank account so we can both put money in, and we promise each other that we won't touch it. It's a fund for when we are ready to move in together, and then for a wedding. Adam says that all decent houses and flats in Newcastle are currently occupied, so we'll have to wait a while, and of course, Adam has no job, and if we want to go to Newcastle, then I will have to get a new job in Newcastle. If we have this bank account, it will give is some a financial "matress", as it were, to fall back on, should we hit hard times. Oh, look at me, all adult and responsible! I like it, actually, I feel very in-control. That's a good feeling for me finally.
Well, I think I've finished this update, I'm going to browse the Metal Hammer Forums now.

~Yael~
xXx

Meh

Wed, 14 Jan 2004 20:06:30 GMT

I feel ill. Like, really ill. My head is all dizzy and there's a daunting feeling in my tummy. I was ill yesterday too, but that was pain. I am paranoid, I keep thinking I'm pregnant, but I use protection, and I haven't thrown up, nor felt like it.
I'm just being silly and paranoid.
I am going through a broody stage right now, I do want a baby, but I can't have one just yet. I know this is just a phase and that I shouldn't act on it. My hormones are fucked up ever since that ordeal with the r, p and a.
Sorry bout the code, I'm not really all that comfortable with just blurting it out unprovoked, and I don't know if anyone's interested.
I love Adam, but sometimes I wish he'd give me a bit of space to be me.

Wooha!

Wed, 14 Jan 2004 19:41:09 GMT

Welcome to the first entry of my new journal!
I'm Yael, you can find out the main jist of me in my userinfo.