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| 08:18pm 10/10/2008 |
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I walked away from you and I regret it.
I wish I could just say this to you.
There hasn't been a day when I haven't missed you, and there hasn't been a day when I haven't thought of you. I can almost feel your fingers in mine, and it hurts that I give you openings and you don't take them.
Well, I gave you one.
I would give anything to have you stop asking him about me, stop telling him that you miss me, and have you start telling me.
I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. And I can't fight for you any longer.
He told me that we just got lazy. Did we just get lazy? I just can't take you kissing me and taking it back, and I can't take you saying the only form of relationship you want from me is a serious one but not even attempt to call me or text me. I know this was a long time ago, but it still comes to mind.
I didn't get lazy.
I know you use the "I'm busy" reason, or maybe that was just him... But I know you aren't. If you can call him every day after school, why can't you call me? I would be more than happy to see you for an hour a week. Just an hour. Maybe it could help me figure out what I want from you.... if I want you.
I hope you read this one day. I wish I had never let you walk away from me, I wish I had never said "let's go on a break". Maybe then you could still love me. Maybe if I wouldn't have asked you to not kiss me, maybe then you could see... I thought you needed space, dear. I didn't. I didn't want space, but you seemed to be doing better without me. I still firmly believe that if you fixed things with me, you could be happier.
I know it's hard, but I know you do, as well. Someone that isn't even the tiniest bit in love doesn't ask about another every day.
Sincerely,
my heart must still be in your basement. |
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| 05:34pm 04/10/2008 |
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My Old Friend Fate,
I have always believed in you.
But this is really starting to get out of hand!
Two days ago I walked away from the only person I've ever fallen in love with, the only person I felt okay with. The one person I've never grown tired of, never got tired of kissing, of hearing his voice... you get the picture.
But it was for the best! I promise, I feel better. I really do.
Most of the time.
Well, I feel better not having to worry about him.
But seriously! Fate! You need to stop fucking with me.
Yesterday I decided to take an unfamiliar path to the movie theaters, for I didn't really want to see if the forest had lost its magic yet. There was a boy over the hill wearing a jacket... oh, it was a wonderful jacket! Wait. I know that jacket.
It was him.
I put myself back together and kept driving, my stomach bubbling.
And Fate, just when I thought that was a mistake, I wake up this morning.
He had written a poem for me, you remember that one? The one entitled Shakespeare's Aphrodite? I'm sure you do.
Well, I realized that four days after he wrote that for me (I looked up the date on the bottom of the copy he gave me) and saw I had written a poem about him. Not such a new idea, right? But this was before we had started dating, and before I knew he loved me. I had called him Adonis.
Aphrodite and Adonis were in love in Greek mythology. Of course they "broke up", but that was because Aries grew jealous and killed him. And frankly the Greeks were just very soap-opera-y in their stories.
So I continued my day, just a bit curious.
As I cried on the floor of my bedroom about how my mother doesn't think I have enough experience driving to go to my sister's, yet she never lets me go on the highway, even a little, I started flipping through the pictures on my phone.
I came across the only picture of you I have in there, the one of your hand after your tattoo.
I kept flipping, not even thinking of you.
I got to the end and started staring at the sign Kayla and I had made. One of us drew spirals over it, and one jumped out at me.
I pulled out my phone immediately and flipped to that picture. Your tattoo - the evolution of your inner self - was drawn on my cardboard sign. Perfectly. It started and ended at the same place.
I threw the phone away from me and went to sleep.
What are you trying to say, dear Fate?
Sincerely,
very confused girl.
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| 08:31pm 01/10/2008 |
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Dear best mate.
Sweetie, tell him exactly where to go. You guys broke up 2months ago. Really you two werent together properly for 6months, you were just trapped in a house together with nowhere else to go because you were too proud to admit he was a fucking twatty user. You have been so so good the last few months, You were old Zoe. You were stong again and mad and everything you were when we first met
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Its not your fault he decided to give up the job that he took so it meant you two couldnt live together, its not your fault he just sits drinking and does absolutely nothing with his life. Its not your fault that he has nothing anymore. He had you, the flat, the 'ideal' job, friends, extended family in your lot. He had everything and got too comfy and decided to fuck it up by treating you like shite.
Arguements over what? Losing a bank card that was yours and not his? What has that to do with him? Nothing. You couldnt stay over at mines without him thinking you were out sleeping with 10guys. You couldnt stay out at a club with us after 2am without 1000txts wanting to know your exact movements. You couldnt dye your hair, get a piercing, get a tattoo, go away with the girls and be able to relax. My god woman he treated you like a slave and you done it because you thought/did love him.
PLEASE please please dont feel bad for him. Everything thats shit in his life is no reflexion on how you were. You done the best you could well past the point that many. PLEASE MY GOD dont take him back, PLEASE he will destroy the little respect youve built up for yourself.
I love you lots n lots ladyface.
See you in 10mins love.
Jammies, girly films, chocolate, wine and hair dye.
Dear Richard
FUCK OFF YOU WANKER
Dear Boymistermanofmines.
How flipping glad am i that we are how we are and you are how you are. Your my bestest. Wish I could see you tonight. In havent spoke to you in like 12hrs and i feel like something is missing. Yes I may be slightly obsessed but I dont care because your worse than I am and I love it. All I need is a hug and a smile and my day is the best. Cant wait to the weekend with you allll weekend. Gonna be brilliant. Love you btw.
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